I'm halfway there.....

When I Am Old I Shall Wear Purple

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple

With a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.

And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves

And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.

I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired

And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells

And run my stick along the public railings

And make up for the sobrietry of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain

And pick flowers in other people's gardens

And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat

And eat three pounds of sausages at a go

Or only bread and pickles for a week

And hoard pens and pencils and beer mats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry

And pay our rent and not swear in the street

And set a good example for the children.

We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?

So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised

When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

~Jenny Jacobs ~

Italicized parts are where I am practising now!

Good news / bad news

Well, despite 1500 people in between and his meeting being in another building, I found a certain someone by my desk. As the door is nearby and he had not walked past and when he left he went straight out, would I be wrong to assume he sought me out?

We got chatting, I didn't flirt, although I was accused of 'twinkling' today, but then I had been 'twinkling' since I walked in the door so nobody put 2 and 2 together.

I (subtlely I think) asked how his journey home had been. He had not got back until late either, so I asked if his dinner was ready as he walked in the door, he laughed and said you don't know my gf! Damn damn damn! He then gave me a 'look' and smiled. I blushed.

He then invited me to his site and offered to take me out for lunch. Our areas never collide, there is never a need for my dept to interact with his.

So what was I to do but accept!

He kissed my cheek goodbye (not uncommon within the organisation) and my colleague came over and stated that she didn't realise that we knew each other, (they work together often) I told her that we had only met the day before to which she complained that she never got a kiss goodbye and they'd known each other years.

It is such an odd situation. He has such a D personality and the s in me just bows down to it.

What the hell happened there?????

Ok, an odd post from me but it's been a funny, odd, nice day. there are a couple of things that are needed to explain it though and put it into context.

I have always been a sucker for tall (6'4"ish), blond men. Blue eyed, broad shouldered. Good physique, no face furniture. Within 5 years or so of me in age. I am very predictable and rarely look twice at any other. If I do, then it is tall dark and handsome!!

I wasn't looking forward to the day, I was acting as exec support for a regional manager. Sitting there, smiling, reinforcing what he was saying to his team. I knew I had a 200 mile journey after this long meeting and I knew that it would be my second trip round rush hour London. (It took me 2.5 hours just to get there and then a further 4 to my hotel!)

Now, to just set the scene, my work persona is a million miles to my off duty. I have always worked in a man's world, usually the only woman. I am seen as tough, in control, decisive, authoritative, possibly even authoritarian, I am 100% confident when I speak they shut up and listen, I am (I believe) well respected. If I go into one of the 300 sites and say "please change that" it gets changed. I'm not saying this to puff myself up and I hope it doesn't sound arrogant, it's just the way it is, what I trained for years for. My nickname (so I've heard) is the ice-maiden as they can't get their own way by flirting with me.

So today, I'm prepared for a non too thrilling day.

There was to be a guest speaker, one to whom I have spoken but never met. He works out of the welsh main office.

He greeted me with the standard professional handshake and as he smiled - he looked me in the eyes and I felt nervous.

He is the same grade as me, not senior - no reason at all for this reaction.


He gave his talk, and every time he looked over, I hope I gave the cool professional smile that I reserve for guest speakers.

During the break, he came over to talk to me. In the next 5 minutes I knew his (professional) life story and a few of his hobbies. (We share one) I was almost interviewing him.

I was so darn nervous it is untrue.

The rest of the team went back through to the conference room, he was now leaving so as the regional manager was setting up his presentation, it was only courteous of me to do the formal "thank you and safe journey" part. I proffered my hand for the formal handshake, which he took in both of his, and held, enclosed, for a moment or 10 longer than the normal formal handshake. Nobody has ever done that to me in a professional scenario. I couldn't meet his gaze. Normally I am the queen of eyecontact, yet he held my gaze to the point I had to look down.

He left with a "goodbye lovely"

I was at work, and in work mode. This man had me feeling that I should be kneeling in front of him and waiting for instruction.

I wanted to be kneeling in front of him.

He is about 5'8", with a bit of a belly, and a goatee beard. Late 40s early 50s. Glasses, (doesn't wear them all the time) and tattoos.

So far opposite the type of man that physically attracts me it is untrue! He is however amazingly intelligent and fluent in 5 languages. Ex-special forces. Probably how he commanded my attention?

He is also working from the same building as me tomorrow (so are 1500 other people so I doubt I'll see him)

This does not happen to me at work.

Blimey!


Oh and no word from the Dutchman

I wish I knew!!!

Today was SR's daughter's birthday so I rang to wish her a happy birthday. First time I have spoken to her since the Xmas incident. She seemed to be happy to hear from me?

Long pause


Thoughtful silence


Someone has accessed Dutchman's e-mail as the mail I sent early last month was read. I've sent another asking to know if he is alive or not. Perhaps I shouldn't have??


Confused

Back to work

I had little flashes of inspiration today for my assignment so that is promising - time is running out!

Got chronic PMT, well I think it's PMT, better than saying I'm a miserable cow for no reason.

Went to the gym again today. Three days running again. Yay.

Grump!


God I'm so boring!

Shrugs

Well, Coffee Man, as ever had other priorities crop up so he didn't visit. In all honesty I didn't expect him too. After all I do live 40 odd miles from him and that would involve him putting himself out. It would also take him too far away from his beloved friend.

On a more difficult personal note, instead of texts to the Dutchman bouncing back undelivered after three days, it bounced straight back yesterday. When I rang it the message declared that I had dialled an incorrect number. His phone is now out of service. He's not at home. I can only assume he is in Holland or dead.

I'm hurting pretty bad at this. I've been all 'oh whatever' about the situation. Very much if it's going to happen it will. And yes I know he has done this before but that doesn't make it any easier if in three months time he turns up again. I'm in bits with it all.

I can't get to grips with my uni assignment. It just reads really twee and not enough external references that I can get to fit despite having read tons for it.

What a totally shit weekend, and I know I have so much in my life to be thankful for. But, ... oh I don't know, I need to shake myself out of it.

Shattered

After a 16 hour day yesterday culminating with a drive through the flood zones, it was a repeat performance today but without the drive.

After a full day I discovered that one of my colleagues has booked a meeting tomorrow different to the one scheduled. He always does this to me as he knows that I will put in all the hours god sends just so he can't be smarmy and patronising.

It always seems to be an I lose he wins situation, the man is a twonk!

Coffee man may be coming over Saturday, to see the new car and conservatory.... I'll leave that train of thought there, I don't know where to take it.

Dutchman is still missing...........

Networking

I had a little bit of a different day today, I had to visit a supplier and do the networking thing, it was a nice change to the normal. Back in hi-vis jackets and steel toe capped shoes. Not quite my normal suit and heels.

I popped back to the office and sorted out a new pc programme that one of the guys requested, I'm getting quite good at programming.

Came home and wrote a letter to the builders, I'm still waiting for a cheque that has been in the post for a fortnight!

In between times another visit to the gym, I lost a pound today , yay!!!

Oh, and hayfever stinks!

Productive day? No!

The day started really well today, I got loads done this morning and then the engineer arrived to do what was a simple job. Wrong! He took the whole broadband and rf system down, so from 2.30 I was twiddling my thumbs. At least all the filing is done now though. I didn't need a pc for that.

I went to the gym this evening and did circuit training. Everything hurts now and my inhaler has never been used as much. So that is 4 successive gym days, still not lost any weight though :(

Still no word from the Dutchman either.

Whirlwind

I awoke in one of those moods today. I had the bed stripped and laundered and all of the other bits and pieces washed and on the line. I went to the gym again (2 days running) came home and cleaned the house top to bottom, I spoke to my parents who were driving home from their holiday and invited them to dinner and then prepared a 3 course meal for them (and my brother who has been fending for himself for a week and was looking malnourished.)

So, I'm now tired and happy and off to bed.

Drying off

Made it home from Wales via Somerset, guess which idiot booked an appointment in deepest darkest Somerset when the Glastonbury festival is just starting. I spent the morning swamped by multi coloured Volkswagon camper vans. Made me smile though even if I was a little late. Oops!!

Then I decided to compound it by driving home. I set the sat nav and trundled off, right past Stonehenge during the summer solstice...... hmmmm, is someone up there trying to tell me I live life at too much of a rush?

I got home and did all of my laundry, hung it out and got it almost dry, pretty good since the last three days have been spent dodging torrential rain and mudslides.

I'm trying to be positive. Dutchman has done this before and then after I have given up hope I get a phone call as if nothing has happened.

I'm trying to concoct a plan for if he does. What do I do? What do I do?

I've said before that he is such a livewire, unpredictable, crushingly embarrassing in his openess, totally the opposite to the secure, safe guy I need in my life. But he has always given me butterflies, the type of thrill you get from something dangerous. Can I see myself walking into the sunset i my twilight years? Probably not. This is all probably irelevant, he may never return.

Welsh Wales

I had a great weekend with my parents, Cumbria and Yorkshire are beautiful places, so rugged and unspoilt. I love seeing my parents together, they have a wonderful relationship but it just emphasised the fact that I felt really lonely this weekend. I've still not heard fom the Dutchman.

I'm scared something has happened.

I'm in Wales, the connection here is awful, very frustrating but I feel that way about everything today, like PMT but not.

The place is lovely though, very wet and wild.

Busy day

The day started very unsettled, I woke with a start, I had been dreaming that I was at some form of a dinner party in the middle of the street, I'm not sure where it was but the architecture was fabulous. Next thing I know I'm reading a letter or an e-mail, I'm not sure which, it was from the Dutchman saying that he had met someone and he was not coming back - ever, I ran away in tears and that's when I woke, still upset.

I pulled myself together and the workmen arrived. The conservatory is all finished now. It looks good. I brought the big desk downstairs (all by myself!) and laid the flooring too. It's really taken shape now.

I then went to the gym and did a couple of classes. I did bodybalance, bodyattack and bodypump. I now feel body weary!

I'm away with my parents at a family do this weekend then straight to Wales so I may be a while!

Still no word, I'm off to bed.

I think I'm going to die!

I've just had my gym programme review. Did I insult that man's mother? I look like a beetroot, I'm wobbling like a mad cow and starved, I have this craving for a squidgy cream cake!

I've just flumped to write this and Coffee Man text, first time in weeks so I've answered him, very light and airy.

The conservatory is lacking it's windows and roof but the framework is there. I've been out and got some flooring too.

I've pulled together some information for my assignment so all is well with the world, well almost. Still no word from the Dutchman :(

Grump!

The builders finally arrived at 11am, I had rang their office at 9.30 and was told they were on their way and should be no later than 10. They had a chat and a fag and started work at 11.30. After their lunch break, they came to tell me that they would be back tomorrow as they would not have time to finih the back of the house. This was at about 3pm. They left at 3.30. Now had they got on with it and it took the same amount of time as the front (there was less to do so technically should not have taken that long) then they would have finished by now. They are forecasting rain for the rest of the week. They cannot work in the rain obviously and I have taken the week off work. What's the chances of them finishing this week? Slim, very slim or non-existant. The problem is if you say anything it will take twice as long as they prove the point, grrrrrrr. So frustrating!

I started to look at the assignment today. Yuk! shall be making phone calls this week I think for assistance,

He still has not rang :(

Disjointed day

I had a lie in this morning, I was so tired and didn't get up until 8.30, very late! Then I went to the gym to my new class.

I picked up some glazing stuff for the shed, the window cracked in bad weather a couple of weeks ago. Then I popped down to see my parents.

I came home and put the new window in, feeling qite proud that I managed it all by myself.

And that was my day, boring huh?

Still no word!

Dopey day

I am so thick!

Today I trundled off to work in the torrential rain, though abominable traffic, found a parking space, went to get my laptop out of the back, only to discover I had forgotten it. So, I shot into work, picked up some papers I needed and went and worked from home for a couple of hours before going back in to photocopy and prep the stuff I needed.

I came home and moved 200 odd bricks, from the front of the house to the back and up a flight of stairs. I have now realised that where I had planned to start work is right where I have the great wall of England, positioned there by yours truly.

So, I've decided to give in and chill out. I did manage to finish my last uni workbook though!!! Yeah!!! (yes I know - girly girly swot swot)

Still no word!

Coming out the other side

It's been a hard few days. But, resilience is key. I have two options, cope or don't. And as I am little miss fixit, the one to whom everyone turns when life falls apart, well, I have to cope don't I?

So I've spent a couple of days sulking, brooding, snivelling and feeling sorry for myself and now I need to pick myself up and sort myself out.

Brave words huh? Now I've just got to get on with it!

Still no word from the Dutchman

Breaking my heart

SR hasn't rung, or text, or e-mailed. Nothing to say I or the baby ever existed in His life. In fact He took my replacement - the one He was screwing around with out for dinner.

I'm sure they had a lovely time.

Why the hell can I not move on. I hate what He did to me. I hate the way He made me feel, I hate the fact that I let Him treat me that way. I never really really loved Him. But there is a string there I cannot cut. More than once I was going to leave Him, but He got in first. He hurt me so badly and yet I still crave His attention.

You must think I'm mad.

He is half the man (in all ways) that the Dutchman is. Don't get me wrong , I still love the Dutchman, I always have and probably always will, whatever happens. We had something magical. But there is some evil thread linking me to Him but not the other way round. If I died tomorrow He would just shrug.

I don't know if it was just the baby that makes me feel this way about Him? So many times over the last two days I have picked up the phone to call Him, I am so proud of myself that I haven't though.

Still no word from the Dutchman either. I had a really odd feeling this morning too at 7.15 that there had been a death somewhere, I'm just waiting to hear whose though. I wish he would just let me know he is ok. He's a bugger for doing this!

Miserable

Yet again my thoughts have been with SR today, thinking this time last year I was doing x,y,z.

The reason it is so fresh in my mind is that tomorrow is the anniversary of my last miscarriage. I remember that weekend so very well, He was so tender and caring, we had to make the decision whether to have an abortion (His preference) or trying to proceed with the pregnancy. Owing to a medical complication it would be an extremely problematical pregnancy. The decision was taken away. He bought me a plant on the day, a really unusual one, as a memorial, this was even before I lost the baby as the sensible thing to do was to have a termination. But we went out to the Royal Horticultural Gardens for the day and ended up in their nursery. He bought 2 identical plants, one for me and one for Him. I lost the baby at 1 am the following day. The funny thing is the plant is just coming into flower, it didn't flower for a couple of weeks last year but it is going to be at its height tomorrow. I wonder how His is doing?

Other than that I have spent the weekend doing chores around the house and garden, and lots of study. I had planned for 4 hours but I have done nearer 7.


I've still not heard from the Dutchman.

And then on a totally different subject....

Following a discussion on another blog (yes Stagger, I will work out how to link!!!)

A little history of personal, intimate domestic appliances guaranteed to reduce (induce?) hysteria in the gentle sex.


http://www.samsloan.com/vibrator.htm

Keeping the faith

Well, he promised we would have coffee this week and I've not heard from him since.

Now, I know he was driving to Holland on Friday, I know his dad is very unwell.

His texts have not been read and his phone is switched off. Now, if he was ignoring me the phone would ring and go to answer and not just straight to voicemail. Texts sent at various times at least one would get through.

Now if he was planning a quick trip it would be no surprise that he forgot his phone charger, it may even be flat.

See, rational, calm. Trying to stave off thoughts that I scared him off.

I've signed up to an 8 week programme at the gym starting Saturday week. That should keep my concentration off men,

Mutters

Big girly swat!

And then some!!! I'm not only completely up to date with my studies I've done a bit extra to make up for the fact that I know next week will be a struggle.

feeling smug - fat but smug.

I need to get my weight back under control. Since leaving CM I've put on half a stone ....eeeeeeeek!

A combination of working away and comfort eating. So I've been on the salad today, mmmm lovely (yuk yuk yuk)


a friend broke up from her man yesterday so we have been planning a little escape and girly treat. Should be fun.

I feel really random today.

Yesterday

I went for a coffee with a friend yesterday, or more honestly a friend of a friend, yes I was set up on a blind date.

We have similar interests, a geeky hobby, we spent approximately 5 hours talking about the geeky hobby, well he did, (I rarely even mention it on here so you can imaging that it is something I enjoy but am not anal about) the other couple of hours was mainly about him, the problem with women, and people watching, don't get me wrong, we had a laugh, discovered more mutual friends than I realised we had but he is not Mr Wright (yes there is a pun intended in the spelling - just think Orville)

One of the things he said he disliked in women was sarcasm, he may as well have left at that point, but he may become a friend further down the line, I thanked him for an interesting afternoon, I was very honest and explained that I was not physically attracted to him but found him interesting to chat with and a lively companion. I don't believe in letting people live in a hope that can never be fulfilled. That may be wrong of me but I would rather someone was honest with me so that I didn't sit waiting by a phone. (yes, I am! - waiting that is)

so on to today......



There were loads of things I had planned for yesterday but for obvious reasons they didn't get done so I cracked on today.

The first was to put a cover over my shed window which had broken in the weathers. I managed to do that in the weathers and somehow it is still on! It has been torrential rain and strong winds all day.

Then I sorted out all of the paperwork that has collected for the last x amount of time being put off and put off. It took ages, I really must keep on top of it.

Then I did a really thorough house clean, top to bottom.

Lastly it was time to catch up on my studies, I had to do 9 sessions to catch up as I have been remiss over the weekend, (well it was my birthday!)

I am quite pleased though as it is induction day at Uni tomorrow for the start of the new year and I have already done 7 workbooks with 4 left to do of the first module. If I can get it done before the first workshop it will leave me clear to concentrate on my assignment.

I want to try and maintain this through all 4 modules if I can. This will involve approximately 3 sessions per day every day. Not always feasible so sometimes I have to play catch up like today.

So now, it's time to chill......

Sunday

I've just got in from an afternoon coffee with a friend, hmm 7 hours, oops, I never did get all my chores done. It was an interesting afternoon though.

Good job tomorrow is a Bank Holiday.

I'm really tired and I have a headache now so I'm off to bed,

Home again

It's been another busy week again, running around all over the country. I seem to be living in the car at the moment.

I spoke to the Dutchman last night, we are meeting for coffee next week!!! I am nervous, scared, excited, apprehensive, more nervous..... It's been years since we split up and I don't know how I'm going to feel.

I'm planning on playing it cool, it's no big deal after all, 2 old friends meeting up for coffee. What can be simpler than that?

Home from the Netherlands

What a fab weekend! I just love Holland it is a wonderful place. The flowers were beautiful, the weather hot, the food --- interesting, the people friendly, or is that cheeky? I have decided that the Dutch are taught to twinkle at an early age! I always get stopped at the airport and frisked after I set the alarms off, (why I don't know) the Spanish don't have a sense of humour about it - the Dutch do, I had my phrasebook in my pocket and before I was allowed to go I was tested on my language skills.

My Dutchman text me whilst I was away to have a good weekend, when I got back I let him know with a text and asked if he missed me. Within minutes he was on the phone and asking how I got on. I had the giggles and left him in no doubt that were he there he would be in trouble!! He laughed and said he could tell I had been to Amsterdam. Still no nearer having a coffee though!

Friday!

I've been away all week so it's a quick turnaround tonight. we have to be at the airport for 3.25 am (yawn!)

Only away for the weekend but I'm having a real fret about everything going well. I don't have proper 'tickets' but the lady at the travel agent said that the booking confirmation she e-mailed me was sufficient. Until I have the boarding passes in my hnd I'm paranoid though.

Holland here we come!!!

(and yes, my Dutchman has been in contact all week - happy thoughts!)

Busy weekend

I had a flat out trying not to think sort of weekend.

I changed a couple of light switches, I didn't want to get the electrician back, after his telephone call to check whether I prefer Ms or Mrs on the invoice, he then went on to say that he only really rang because he loves talking to me, "my voice does things to him" eeeek!! He had already been far too tactile when he was here, I'm certainly not having him back if I'm home alone!!! So I changed them and they work and I didn't blow the house up.

I then did all the glossing that needed to be done, 18 sq metres of it. By Saturday night I was aching. I went to Pilates Sunday then straight to my sister's as it was my brother-in-laws birthday party.

All in all, I tried not to let my brain run loose.

It's the Dutchman's birthday today so I wished him a happy birthday early on. He complained of feeling old, bless him!

I'm away for the rest of the week so I'm not sure what connection I will have, always a mystery!

Decorating done (sort of)

Well, the decorator finished today, there's a couple of bits that I'm not happy with so I want to fiddle with them. (Perfectionist that I am!)

The Dutchman rang too. I must have been really sensitive today as his teasing got to me a bit. I must have gone quiet as he backed off and tried to reassure me. (I am so high maintenance?)

I don't mean to be high maintenance, but I think I must be. I can be really sensitive sometimes. I wish I could learn to just shrug things off and laugh.

The upshot of the conversation is he is planning to drop in and surprise me sometime, I told him I would rather know, what happens if he comes when I'm emptying the loft and all scruffy? I want our meeting (if it ever happens ) to be perfect, I want to look my best, have done all the girly stuff, you know the type of thing - not a stray hair anywhere! Be scrubbed up and sexy not in my sweats!


I feel really unsettled.

Madeleine

I've just been watching the news, it's absolutely heartbreaking. The 3 year old girl that was abducted last week, her mother is just being so brave, you can see her getting more and more gaunt every day and the way she implored the people who took her to not scare her or hurt her.... there are no words to describe the way that poor woman is feeling. I just hope and pray that the little girl is found safe and well and not scarred by the experience.

Gek

Don't ask how it happened but I have just booked a weekend in Amsterdam with my parents.

I don't know, one moment we were chatting, the next I was online booking it, there are bulb gardens in keukenhof that she wanted to see and in a moment of madness I said let's do it.

Holland here we come and no it's just a coincidence, and if we happen to meet crazy Dutch people to break her in gently then so be it. :)

I only know a couple of Dutch words gek=crazy, the first word i learned, in the context of ik ben gek over u (may have got the spelling and grammar wrong?)

and t'gaat, t'gaat as a reply to 'hoe gaat het met jij?'

Not mentioning the rude words (giggle) can't teach mother those!

Smiles

A watched phone never rings, but perhaps one you glance at once or twice might beep?
The Dutchman text this morning to say he was on his way home and then rang me from the port when he got back to Kent. We chatted for 20 minutes and as ever he wound me up, teased me, flirted, cared. I have such a maelstrom of emotions with this man. He has the knack of producing every emotion known to woman.

I hate it when he goes home as his accent is so thick when he returns, and combined with a mobile phone I sometimes struggle to understand him which he teases me for. He can be so juvenile one minute and the next he makes me feel like the only woman on earth. It would never last would it? And yet when I don't hear from him I feel like there is something missing. I don't know what to do with him for sanity. My family would hate him, they never did meet him when we were dating as I don't live on their doorstep. They hated SR as the Dutchman is zanier. He is very ...... continental. By that I mean he is blunt. My family is very English. We don't talk about anything important emotionally. Stiff upper lip, and I know that sounds old fashioned but it's the way my family are. If he wants to say something he does, if he thinks it he says it. That's how I know my family would not approve. Mentally he was always tender with me and if I was upset he was so gentle. He is a big flirt and I remember one time he took it too far. We were in a pub, and I just welled up (PMT) he took one look at my red eyes and was mortified and devoted 110% of his attention to me afterwards. He is totally anti-establishment and I'm quite a conformist.

Now, on the other side of the coin (literally) my other friend also made contact after his weekend away. On the surface my family would love him. He has a respectable job, a respectable sense of humour and would never embarrass me. (well, not in the same way) we met through a lifestyle group, and have faded in and out of each other's lives over the last 12 months or so. When I first found out about SR's interests I set out to find out more, this guy has acted as a mentor. He expressed an interest in taking it further when things went down the pan with SR. Then I met CM and fell back into a vanilla lifestyle and once more that did not work.
Does it sound strange that I am too independent and headstrong to have a vanilla relationship and yet I thrive in a D/s one?

We keep making arrangements to meet up and things keep thwarting us. I know I always say things happen for a reason, but if I'm using my head not my heart I feel that long term he is better for me. Perhaps I just need one last mad fling with the Dutchman to prove it though?

I sound like such a tart! I'm not...honest, well only when I'm told to be....

My decorator??

There you are Rosie, just for you, the Chuckle Brothers.

Bank Holiday

I wasn't sure if the decorators would be here or not today, the project manager had said they would, his secretary confirmed it, but the plasterers on Friday said that they wouldn't. They were right, so I washed my windows, (not the best idea I've had as they will be covered in dust by this time tomorrow when they start ripping out the hallway)

I'm working from home for the next few days whilst they do it so I'll be stir crazy by Friday. Noise, dust and interruptions. Pass the Valium!

The phone has been quiet again today.... but it's still early. (No Rosie ... I'm not watching it... honest!)

Same old Sunday

A normal boring Sunday, I went to the gym, came home, did the housework, changed the bed, washed the line, dried, ironed and back on the bed. Tidied, sorted out a cupboard.
Waited for the phone to ring, or beep, nothing :(


And so to bed

A Kiss

What Every Kiss Means
Body: ♥ Kiss on the stomach = I'm ready
♥Kiss on the Forehead = "I hope we're together forever"
♥Kiss on the Ear = "Your my everything"
♥Kiss on the Cheek = "We're friends"
♥Kiss on the Hand = "I adore you"
♥Kiss on the Neck = "We belong together"
♥Kiss on the Shoulder = "I want you"
♥Kiss on the Lips = "I love you"

****************************************************
♥What the gesture means♥

♥Holding Hands = "We definitely love each other"
♥Slap on the Butt = "That's mine"
♥Holding on tight = "I don't want to let go"
♥Looking into each other's Eyes = "I just plain love you"
♥Playing with Hair = "Tell me you love me"
♥Arms around the Waist = "I love you too much to let go"
♥Laughing while Kissing = "I am completely comfortable with you"
****************************************************
♥Advice♥

Don't ask for a kiss, take one.
If you were thinking about someone while reading this,
you're definitely in Love.
****************************************************



♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

The Dutchman is in Holland for the Bank Holiday weekend, I teased him as he is going to Amsterdam. He laughed and said that there was more to Amsterdam than the red light district. He kept joking that it was where the diamond centre was too, I joked and reminded him that I prefer silver to gold, and square cut is nice....
I wonder...... where is his brain, I'm being stupid and romantic....ignore me!

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Worked my socks off!

I was working from home today, had loads more evaluations coming in all day. They were supposed to be in by today so I could write the report on Tuesday but no, still got loads outstanding. Same old moan why can't people just follow instructions??

I have a ceiling though, all plastered and looking better than the black plastic that was stapled there since the flood.

I ordered my conservatory - 6 weeks time and I shall have that and new soffits and guttering. The outside will look smart!

I also had the electrician come round to quote, not as much as I feared, I expected a total rewire and a £1000 bill but it is a straight £200.

I've still spent £11,600 pound today eeeek!

The Dutchman rang this morning and I told him of my split from coffee man. He rang again twice after that. It's that old heart and head thing though. I know he's not Mr Right and some of the things he says and does irritate the hell out of me, but then another time he is so sweet and funny and my stomach gets butterflies, and he makes me laugh and giggle.

My other friend who has been somewhat keen is much more sensible. But there is no harm in chatting and drinking coffee. I'm not going to leap from the frying pan into the fire .

Hostage

Just sparing a thought for Alan Johnston, the BBC journalist being held hostage in the middle east.

I.T. Who'd have it?

I spent the morning fighting with outlook and printers and trying to get them to work with no luck. This afternoon therefore was spent catching up. This was not made easier by people's inability to follow a set of questions. A colleague sent out a questionnaire that they had to reply with either a 'yes or know' or a '1,2,3' answer, this would enable it to be cut and paste into an excel spreadsheet that has all the formulas built in to calculate the number of responses of each type. 270 people have to answer it and out of the first 40, 18 of them I have had to e-mail to clarify written responses. Some of them I could work out from what they said but not others. Now, had they all not been able to do it I would have questioned the phrasing of it but no, they just cant follow instructions. The people who are replying are all at executive level too. Makes you worry about the future of the firm!!!

I have an electrician calling tomorrow, I thought that before I get redecorated I should put an extra socket or two in, save ruining the new decor. Whilst I'm at it if he checks the rest of the electrics I'll be a bit happier. The fuse box is an old fashioned wired one that has seen its day. It should be on a proper consumer unit so, that too needs to change, mortgage number 2 coming up!

Ah well, let's write a list...........

Hmmm?

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Ramblings!

Ok, I shall start with a confession, I had a rather large glass of wine on an empty stomach, so please forgive typos and ramblings.

I should have mentioned Kent's biggest news in a century yesterday but I forgot. (See how much significance it had in my life?) We had an earthquake. Yes, the most excitement seen in Folkestone since they closed the amusements. well, Folkestone is claiming the credit but it was 7 miles out in the English Channel. Worryingly enough it was right next to the Tunnel. Hmmm and my friend who works on it wonders why I have never used it?

It started me thinking though. What would have happened if it was on the north Kent coast not the south? There is a munitions ship that sunk off the Isle of Sheppey, the SS Montgomery from memory, and every year teams have to go out and check it to make sure it is not about to blow up the whole of the Isle of Sheppey. (Although some may think that would be preferable)


Today SR has been on my mind all day, I think it is because I saw a biker this morning who may or may not have been him, I didn't really get a chance to register, I did register that the rider looked at me long and hard before riding off, it may have been him, it may not, I really am not sure, but his reaction suggests it was. I was in the car going the other way.

Must repeat to myself the man was a bastard a thousand times over.

Anyway, I'm in a hotel, still got a few things to finish off. Not much - just signing certificates.

weekend

I went to my parents yesterday as they needed their kitchen planning, (an occupation in a former life) It was quite funny, Dad cooks once a week but he wants a range cooker, mum is more practical and wanted storage so it was a balancing act not to upset either one.

I managed to come up with a solution that was practical for both though. Let's hope they both like it when it comes!

I went to the gym this morning and wore myself out. I need to crack my weight again. I put on 4lbs 5 weeks ago and I can't shift it. Grrrrr

This afternoon is household chores. Yippee - always fun (sarcasm is the lowest form of wit)

Home again

I've just got home and flumped, this morning's meeting was not too bad, actually went quite quickly for a change.

When I came out of it my car had been delivered so I emptied my old one :( rang the guy who is getting it and told him he had to look after it! Then picked up my new phone, (old one didn't work in the handsfree cradle)

I took a leisurely drive home, (a 220 mile test drive!) I did get to grips with the cruise control though!

Now I need to read the manual, it is the size of a phone book! Hmmm should be fun.... zzzzzzz

Still away from home

I'm still up north but I do get to come home tomorrow.

It will be a long and possibly interesting day. We have the monthly meeting (yawn) and whenever that finishes I get to come home.

First though I need to collect my new car! I wasn't expecting it until next week. Sad to see the old one go though, it seems like only yesterday when I got it. The man who gets it on Monday is not the best driver either :(

Quiet or wasted weekend

I spent a quiet weekend just faffing around the house. I went to the gym this morning and apart from a little mild flirtation with a guy on a very nice motorbike (yes ok, I'm a tart - but I do like a man in leather!) it was quite innocuous.

I need to think what I'm looking for, or not as the case may be.

Essential
Intelligence - my last few dates have - and I don't wish to put anyone down here, that's not my intention - not been able to keep up, I need a guy that is on the same wave length and I don't have to explain things to?

Humour - what girl doesn't?

Kind

Witty

Solvent - I'm a modern girl and will pay my way but not pick up every single tab!

Good in bed

Desirable
Tall - yes I know I'm a short arse

A twinkle in his eye

Time for a relationship

Deal breakers
Bad breath

Dogs!

Misogynist

Patronising

Cheating

Hmmm that's all I can think of for the moment......

Not saying a word!!!!

Hmmm am I going through the 'anger' stage?

You Are Occasionally a Jerk Magnet

You've been known to attract real jerky guys from time to time... But the truth is, you know what you're getting into. You can help but love bad boys.

Are You a Jerk Magnet?

Chapter closed

It's over, confirmed it with him today. He got all defensive and could not see what I was meaning. He is after all perfect (aren't we all?) I tried to tell him what I meant but he had an answer for everything. None of which was his fault. He is after all such a busy man, he is always at work, works nights, has his daughter, has the dog etc etc, I tried to point out that he is 4 days (or nights) on and then either 7 or 4 days off, he has his daughter a maximum of 2 nights a week and then not every week but still he doesn't have time to come to mine. I always have to go there.

He has only once told me he loved me and that was after prompting. (He denied this and said that he says it all the time but believe me I would know!) The dog gets more affection. I'm allergic to the dog - gives me asthma problems but he just laughs when the dog gets onto the bed and sleeps on my pillow.

So, I'm on my own again. I'm tearful but I know it's for the best. I think it's frustration at yet another failed relationship.

Just a quickie

I'm up north on a dodgy connection and ninth restart so this is a quickie.

I rowed with Coffee Man again last night. Apart from a quick I'm too busy to talk text late Sunday and Monday (he's working nights so I don't disturb him in the day) he made a quick call last night and was so dismissive of me, didn't understand why I was concerned (72 hours and 2 texts?) told me it was just stupid to count as we are all busy people. I realised it's not going to work. He was really tetchy and I hung up on him. I've not heard a word since - another 24 hours. If he does I think I shall just tell him it's over. This happens too much. We row, he promises to try harder, he does for a day or so and then back to normal. More interested in the TV and his dinner than me.

It's not enough.

Hmmm is that a good thing?

So what's the recipe?

You Are Smores

Unusual and unconventional, you make your strange ways work for you. You've got personality - no one's denying that!

What Dessert Are You Most Like?

New job time? Nar not yet!

Your Job Satisfaction Level: 60%

Your job is about average. There are some parts you really enjoy, and some parts that stress you out. It's possible that you need a small change. Maybe you should switch companies or positions. It's also possible that you're simply burned out. No job is perfect, even a great one. Give yourself a personal day to think about your career goals - and if your current job is helping you achieve them.

Should You Get a New Job?

Sunny day

I went to the gym this morning then came home and cracked on. The washing and ironing is all done, the garden is mowed and weeded. Not only that it's dug over and the borders are looking neater.

I realised I haven't seen CM since Monday and not really missed him, is that because I am secure or evil? He hasn't text or rung today and apart from a passing thought earlier I'd not even realised. I think I'll text him and see if he is busy as I'm just heading off to bed.

Happy Day!!!

Well, my Uni group all went out on the razz last night as the dreaded results were expected. What was going be the outcome of a year's hard study and 2 days of awful exams? We went to a nice Italian and then on to a bar before getting home late.

I got home and no results!!!! :-(

This morning I was awake early, went to the DIY shed and chose some paper for the stairs, came home and waited for the postman.


And waited


And waited



Finally he arrived and I opened the envelope with trepidation. .....


I passed one of the 4



and got credits in the other 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yippee no resits!!!!!


I am one happy chicken.



Whilst I was at the DIY shed I picked up a new phone socket as the one I had had multiple extensions and broadband filters hanging from it - very unsightly. So I rewired that with a new one with an integrated filter and it works too. And it looks so neat and tidy.

So a jolly good Saturday was had by all!

More confusion

I really didn't need the Dutchman ringing for the first time in ages and saying he hoped that I was going to tell him I was single!!


Isn't my life complicated enough????????

A cathartic exercise?

Ok. Let's get the brain emptied so I can move on. This is going to be the equivalent of the letter that is written but never sent.

Ignore it, it will make no sense but it may help to straighten my brain. Anyone reading this will think I'm mad, schizophrenic, obsessed and odd but it's only the internal thoughts most people have (I hope) but don't ever externalise.

Most people view me as cool, logical, 'the sensible one' if only they knew the turmoil in the brain. A typical Gemini, can see all sides at once. That brings it own chaos though.

But I digress.

I met SR at the airport I fly from in August 2005. He was there on his bike looking cool and sexy. Not handsome but with an air of control and command. He knew what he wanted and was going to get it. We flirted and verbally sparred and agreed to meet up that evening and go to the beach. I drove as I wanted to be in control of what happened. (sensible see!)

We went to the beach - it rained, we got soaked and I have probably not laughed as much before or since. I resisted his physical advances for all of 3 weeks! When we did get together it was fantastic! The best lover I have ever had, ok I admit it, he was the best.

The next few months were magical. New Year in particular, I will always smile when I hear Dr Hook's 'love you a little bit more' we danced all night and it was just - magical.

Things started to get cooler in the March. At the end of the month he said that he needed more and it was not fair on me to continue as he wanted to experience 'other women'.

We remained close friends and still had an occasional physical relationship but I knew he was seeing other women. I tried to be 'adult' about it but it hurt. I didn't want to lose him altogether.

I even arranged dates. One of which I cancelled as I was going out of the door as he needed me to help with a problem with his daughter who was being a spoilt brat. He controlled everything I did still.

We went to a bank holiday garden show together and he boasted of how he was 'shagging a Thai girl' it broke my heart as I knew something. I was pregnant.


Because of a pre-existent condition I knew I could not carry the baby. I had a decision to make, try, and risk us both or have an abortion. He favoured the abortion as he did not want more kids. He also would rather have me alive than dead. We still spent a lot of time together.

We had a beautiful day out on the Sunday, we went to a horticultural society, even got erm, interesting in the reeds :)

That night after I went home, I got pains in my stomach and lost the baby at 1am. To the strains of Elvis Presley's 'in the ghetto'. SR loved Elvis. I told him in the morning and he was very caring. I just dealt with everything myself.

Within 3 weeks he had met and was dating L. He told me she was just a fling nothing serious. We continued seeing each other and having sex but not as often.

In the August he helped me landscape my garden. That's when our relationship turned. He had had previous D/s relationships and one balmy afternoon it happened. I realised what had been missing in my life and why my relationships had been somehow wrong. We explored this for the next few months. I still got frustrated when he was seeing her. He always said she was not permanent. I was his no 1. I won every time. He said.

I knew there were other too but ignored it. I did get jealous.


In the November L found out about me and gave him an ultimatum. He chose her. She had threatened all sorts and was going through lots of shit at home. He came - told me and walked away.

The baby was due in December and i really needed him. I hadn't told anyone because of his kids. He thought it best they didn't know. At that point I needed someone though. He ignored me. I went through it alone and felt myself going into depression again. I was seeing a new guy, rebound! I couldn't and indeed have not told him. His daughter rang me again, again she was in trouble, I dropped everything and sorted her out, again he said he was grateful but that was it, we haven't spoken since. I wished him a happy new year and L replied on his phone (he is not even allowed to carry his mobile now!) They are still together. I saw him and her a few weeks ago, he was bellowing at her. He really does have anger problems.

He tried to hit me twice, once when I told him I was pregnant and once when I got upset when he told me it was over. His ex-wife had warned me about this.

He was a very selfish man at times. He always said that he had been married for 20 years and so now would do what he wanted when he wanted. This meant that I could never plan and he often let me down at the last minute. L is as selfish as he is. She is even always flirting with a friend of mine. So really they deserve each other.
I think my current confusion stems from the fact that he awoke something in me that I did not previously know, and as soon as I discovered it it was taken away. So I'm back living a 'normal' lifestyle having realised that it was not for me.

Strangely enough, he is living a vanilla life too.

I loved him in a way but many is the time I thought of ending it because of his behaviour. It hurts because he ended it not me. It hurts because of the baby. It hurts because I still have to pass his house to get to work. It hurts because I feel like I'm in the wrong as he won't communicate. It hurts because L gloats. It hurts because he lied and said it would be over soon and he is still with her. It hurts because of the harsh look he had on his face as if to say 'so what? you never meant anything to me anyway.'

But now it is over, long over, never to be repeated and I have to put him in that box. I don't know what label to put on it. 'Mistake' seems harsh, 'experience' is probably more appropriate.

Remember the saying, people enter your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, so which one was he. I think his reason must have been to open my eyes to who I am. It is now up to me to follow the path or not.

Home again

Well the Easter weekend went well. Coffee Man and I spent quality time together, went out for dinner, visited my parents yesterday and went to Rye today. All in all a lovely time. And every single day my mind was on SR. It was exactly 5 months since the break up on Thursday and 5 months since I started seeing Coffee Man yesterday. Yes I know i jumped in too quick. I said that at the time.

I don't know why I keep thinking of him, good times and bad. I wish I could stop though. I tried to put him to the back of my thoughts. Coffee Man and I are planning a long weekend in Amsterdam next month, possibly for my birthday.

I must move on, as an old colleague used to say "the past is a foreign country, they do things different there!"

4 Days off :)

Today was so slow in the office, it dragged on and on and on but at last it is the long weekend. Yippee.

The man came round to measure for the conservatory tonight, so he is coming back with a quote next week. Coffee Man is coming up here tomorrow and all is well with the world. I am spending the break with him so I won't be around until next week. So happy easter, have fun!!!

Cold again!!!

I was working from home today as I had to wait in for a surveyor to come and look at my ceiling. He was worried it was asbestos but that is looking unlikely.

I seem to have spent the day up to my eyeballs in spreadsheets today, whenever anyone needs anything slightly different creating it is usually my job, comes from being a sad geek I suppose (giggle)

Coffee Man was at a funeral again today, 2nd one in a month, so he is a little low. I'll give him a call soon and check that he is ok.

I rang a firm to give me a quote on a conservatory too today, I will get this house sorted if it kills me (and if it is asbestos it may well do!!)

Pampered

It took me 5 hours to drive to Coffee Man's on Friday as I was at the other end of the country almost so I was weary when I arrived.

He was waiting for me with a cup of tea, how well he knows me! After that he poured me a glass of red wine, led me upstairs to the bathroom to where a very hot bath awaited (now I know why he told me to ring him when I was close!) all bubbles and scented oils, candles lit and scenting the air. Also in the bathroom was a bouquet of tulips, my favourite flower. After a good long soak and unwind I joined him downstairs where he had made a very light supper, knowing that I can't eat a proper meal late at night.

It was the perfect end to a hectic week. When he is like this he is so thoughtful and it is hard to reconcile him with the man that doesn't realise the power of his words and actions to hurt me.

I came home this morning for my gym class and to return the favour I am about to cook him a Sunday roast. He will be here in 2.5 hours, then we are going to the cinema to watch a film that I have been looking forward to and he has been hoping I would forget. Definitely a girly feel good film!

Wheezing Wednesday

Another very busy day today, my admin support has left the company so I'm trying to do her job and mine whilst arranging to cover 2 colleagues in a 300 mile radius.

The next few months will be hectic I think! Got confirmation that my next round of Uni starts on the 29th May too. Eeeeek!

I was glad to get home tonight, my feet were aching, I took my heels off and could almost feel my feet explode in happiness. Straight upstairs to take my suit off and put something warm and cosy on, heaven.

Not heard from Coffee Man today, he is working nights so I didn't disturb him and he obviously was too busy tiling her floor either before he went to bed or after he woke up to even think of calling me. No doubt he will before bed.

I head north tomorrow so not sure about connections and then I'll be away all weekend (possibly)

My asthma has been playing up all day, I'm hoping it's better by the weekend as I will have problems with his dog if not. His house is dusty too as he is having major renovation work done. Have to wait and see.

Monday

I couldn't get into gear today. I felt so tired and drained. So it's an early night for me tonight.

I tackled a few odds and ends at work but nothing major.

CM has text a few times through the day, he was doing well until he told me he was laying her new kitchen floor. Grrrrrrr

And so to bed

Sunday

Where do I start, last weekend I felt really relaxed and comfortable with him. Now I don't know what to think or feel.

Thursday evening he knew I was upset but left it 4 hours before he rang. I didn't pick up. He then rang my mobile and then text me. He then rang the home phone again. I left it an hour and text him to say that I would drop his things off on Friday, if he was out i would leave them with the builders.

He text back saying we should talk so I bathed and went to bed. He text Friday morning to say that he still wanted me to come for the weekend. I said I wasn't sure.

I didn't leave work until late and when I got to his he was hoe. And guess what. So was she!!! She was at his house as she has loaned him a bed. She then told him to put the kettle on. Whilst he was in the kitchen she asked if we had had a tiff as the atmosphere was frosty. I didn't elaborate to much, she was there for ages.

When she eventually left she whispered that she would leave us alone for a 'team talk'. I'm struggling for words here.

The patronising bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111

Sorry, I looked for a politically correct way of explaining my feelings and couldn't. We sat for a couple of hours and talked. I told him exactly what was troubling me, about how she was always there and he always spoke of her. He explained that over the last few years they had leaned on each other and he found it hard to stop now. I explained that I hated the way he told her everything and he has promised not to. He admitted that he had told her about the current tiff. So her 'detecting a frosty atmosphere' was a load of rubbish. I had done my best to cover it and be light and easy in her presence.

He even told me he loved me, something that is rarely said, indeed never unless I bring up the conversation. He did not realise how upset I was.

I dried my eyes and we went to his friends' who were getting married. It was the first time I had met them. They were so welcoming and friendly towards me.

The wedding yesterday went well and again I was made welcome by his friends and he was very attentive despite his duties as best man. He kept me near all day. Today was finishing off those duties and seeing them all again, taking the presents over and the suits to the hire shop.

I couldn't let him touch me though. I was still too fraught. No doubt I shall be back where I was last week by next week but... oh I don't know......

Am I flogging a dead horse? I believe he does genuinely care but he finds it hard to express his feelings. I find this hard as I get so insecure. History has made me this way and however hard I try to break the Pavlovian conditioning it still lurks there in the back.

Home Sweet Home

Guess what? There was no connection. But then what can you expect from a hotel in the centre of London hmmmm....

Work has been fun in a masochistic sort of way. My colleague who should have been with me yesterday cancelled at the last minute so I ended up monitoring three meetings in three rooms at the same time. The afternoon session that she was going to take (her specialist area not mine) I had to muddle through the best I could. The delegates were great though and we had fun over the two days. I even got an e-mail from one of the guys this morning thanking me as he had learned loads and it was one of the best courses he had ever been on :)

I got lots of texts from Coffee Man, telling me that she was struggling on the course she was taking and don't forget to call her. Today's was can you pick up some bits for when you come over tomorrow and she doesn't think she's passed her exam. That was in response to the question 'do you want me to bring quilts and pillows too or just the sheets and covers?' He never did answer that question, poor lamb, he's just so worried about her!

I decided to check if my phone was actually working, he text back that it was and why was I asking, I responded that as he wasn't answering questions I thought it may not be, he assured me it was and he was just busy. The thing is I am running around sorting stuff out for him as he is best man on Saturday at his mate's wedding, I am (apparently) driving them to the wedding and arranging somewhere for him to sleep tomorrow as Coffee Man has no spare bedding.

If he wants me to do all this he had better start talking, but then as she is coming home and she did fail the exam maybe he won't.

I don't know why I'm feeling so sensitive tonight. Being high maintenance I suppose. He will tell her and she will have a quiet word with me about not being so demanding as he is who he is and will never change, and I remind him of his ex wife when I'm behaving like this.

Maybe it's because she hasn't been around much these last couple of weeks, only at weekends, and I know that she's coming home today. Getting apprehensive.

Anti-climax

Down to earth with a bump. Barely heard from him today as he was spending the afternoon with 'her'

Always happens, just as I think we are getting somewhere she's back on the scene and he drops everything to spend time with her.

I'm working in London all week so I'm not sure what the hotel connection will be so may be back tomorrow, if not Thursday,

Busy few days

This has been quite a frantic week, I've been lax in my blogging. So an update from yesterday as I'm trying to forget the rest of the week.

Coffee Man came over last night and we went to the cinema. Something seemed different last night and I felt at peace in his company for the first time in ages.

The film wasn't much cop, the trailers contained all the good bits and there was none left for the film.

When we got home I teased him about something, can't even remember what, and he tickled me and we ended up just playing like teenagers, my backside got a tanning for being disrespectful and one thing lead to another and well, I got no sleep but have been grinning all day. First time I've felt like this in a while, hopefully that bodes well.

I took my mam out today for a girly day and lunch for Mother's day. We had a really nice time. Found a fantastic Italian in Canterbury. Yummy!

Survived

Well I got through the 2 days with my least favourite colleague. He was a bit of a prat this morning because I turned a video on 17 seconds early!!! But he apologised this afternoon. Then he told a delegate that it was the first time I had run the course so I had done quite well, he didn't mention that I had completely rewritten it from his original! He makes me so cross but I bit my tongue and let him take the credit.

I'm back at the hotel and can chill out tonight as I don't have to prep for tomorrow. So I've ordered a nice dinner and glass of wine.

I thought I would see if I could get a connection and update as I had a moment or three.

Time to flump!

Speed writing!

I'm away from home with a bad connection so I may be missing for a few days. Busy at work so keeping out of mischief and keeping occupied.

Sunday night

The weekend went very quickly. Why is it that 2 weekend days go quicker than 2 work days?

Yesterday I woke early and spent most of the day gardening, I have to admit that I regret that today as I am aching in places I didn't know I had.

Today I went to pilates this morning. It was so funny, the whole class seemed to have done the same as we were all walking stiff and aching badly. There was more giggling going on as we all fell off our balances and failed to maintain the grace and dignity demanded by the exercises. Teacher was despairing of us!

After I left I went to the supermarket to get some fresh veg as Coffee Man was coming for dinner. As I left SR was driving in, he had her and her kids with him. It looked as if he was having a stressy fit in the car. I don't know if he saw me but it gave me a jolt. I still miss him. Well I do and I don't. He was a liar and a cheat. He has treated me abominably. He has a terrible angry streak, uncontrolled rage, the anger management classes he took whilst he was married did not work. My family disliked him. There are so many things that I am glad I don't have to put up with any more, but I can still remember the tender times. Only yesterday I was looking at the plant he bought me, I knew that I couldn't carry the baby to term, and whilst he was still alive inside me we went to the Royal Horticultural Society garden at Wisley. He bought a pair of identical plants, black Acers, very unusual, they were as a memorial I suppose to the baby. We chose them together knowing that the child I carried would be possibly terminated that week. I had been sent home by the doctor to consider the options. It may have come down to my life or the baby's, not both. Anyway I'm straying, the plant is just starting to bud. I was looking at it yesterday as I did the garden. It is coming back to life.

Coffee Man came over, I'm starting to shrink from his touch. He is making plans, there is a wedding we are going to in a fortnight, then another one in June. He watched the rugby whilst I made dinner. I was very conscious of the neighbours each time he cheered when England scored, or his frustration when France did. He complained that I had put too much garlic in the meat. He has just left to go and sort his sister's car out that has broken down. I actually felt relieved. This will sound dreadfully snobby, but sometimes I just long for an intelligent conversation, a debate, a spirited discussion on a topic. There's a guy I chat with on MSN and we often verbally and mentally spar. We have never met and probably never will but I just love our chats. I think it is the Gemini in me. My mind needs stimulation and it is just not getting it.

I had a dream last night, I was kneeling in a corner, I could hear a voice behind me giving me instructions but I don't know who it was. I felt a mixture of love and desire. My hands were bound, He had control. I was at peace and ready to obey instructions. He told me to kiss Him then take Him fully in my mouth until He came. It was definitely not Coffee Man, It may have been SR, it may have been the Dutchman, it may have been an amalgam of both. I awoke feeling very needy. But as ever, I was on my own.

I'm feeling a little trapped at the minute. I started off being more emotionally involved than Coffee Man was and I hated his inability to express any emotion towards me. He still isn't that attentive very often but I'm feeling smothered and unfulfilled. I think where he did not show emotion I have mentally backed off to the point where I am not involved at all now.

Friday!!!!!!!! At last what took it so long!!!!

A weekend off and it is a weekend off too. I have no plans at all. Coffee Man is working all weekend but has invited me to dinner Sunday, no family plans, nothing. Heaven!

How selfish is that?

I had my hair cut today and it looks lovely but feels so short, she has layered it and shaped it so it is lighter and more swingy. I think I may have found a new hairdresser yippee, it's only taken 4 years since I moved.

So I'm going to go and have a glass of wine, a deep bubbly bath and candle and music.

Happy days!

Nearly Friday

Today was a very long day but not bad, Dorset was lovely, the weather was great, the meeting went well, the traffic - well as ok as it gets.

feeling very weary and not quite with it though.

I found out where the Dutchman had gone, his phone had been stolen last week and he had to get a bill to find my number again. After we split last time he went back to Holland so I only had his mobile when he came back. He has now given me home number, new mobile nmber, e-mail, work phone so that we don't lose contact again. I think the reason I was lost for the past few days was because I thought he had done it again. He suddenly upped sticks and went back to Holland 3 years ago. This was after a discussion about commitment and my inability at that point. He just went. it was completely out of the blue when he made contact again.

We had a really deep talk a fortnight ago when I poured out my heart about things with Coffee Man and that was the last time we talked. I thought I had said something wrong and he had bolted again.

He rang when I was driving home. I was beaming like a cheshire cat.

He is not right for me, he is too unreliable, but then so is Coffee Man. I need someone half way between the two, reliable, safe and sensible but with a spark, that certain something that makes you tingle inside, Dutchman gives me that tingle, Coffee Man gives me the security. I can't be the person either of them needs.

I need to be brave and strike out on my own.

Happy Hump Day

Well half way to the weekend. I was working with my least favourite colleague today so I stopped off and go a Chinese on the way home. Bad huh?

He makes me so tense. We really don't get on, we frustrate the hell out of each other.

Still not thought. The Dutchman has gone missing. Spending more time chatting to a friend on here than Coffee Man. Not a good sign. Spending time with everyone but him. Laughing and being carefree until the time comes that either I have to ring him or he rings me.

Tomorrow I'm off to Dorset for the day. Let's hope for good weather!

Still thinking

I had a busy day today trying to combine work with the builders.

still thinking, still confused, he has been attentive today,

Speak of the devil, he's just text and is about to ring

*shrugs*

Who am I?

I had a nudge from someone on here today that has set me thinking. Who am I?

I am daughter, sister, ex-wife (twice), ex-girlfriend (too many to mention), girlfriend, aunty, god-mother many times over, ex -sub, or am I, just because I don't have a Sir in my life at the moment does that make me an ex-sub? hmmm no, and perhaps that is the problem.

I am so many things to so many people but the essence of me is someone who wants to please, so I have all of these relationships where I am trying to please everyone, not always succeeding but leaving myself essentially unfulfilled because I am not pleasing the One. This may sound odd but when Sir was in my life I strove to please Him and only Him. This in turn left me fulfilled and happy. I feel really lost at the minute. When I pleased Him He rewarded me, whether it was with a kind word or a touch or even just a smile and it meant the world to me. I feel at the moment that I am just expected to please everyone and get no recognition at all. God I sound like a spoiled brat. But when I pleased Him it seemed easy to please everone else too. Everyone was happy.

I said that I thought it was time for a break from Coffee Man last week and he said he wanted to try again, but at the moment it feels like the same old same old. I am walking on eggshells emotionally. One minute I'm up one minute I'm down. I need some order in my life. To know my boundaries, where I stand, I thought at one point he was interested in learning more but that has been swept away and not mentioned again. He is a nilla and I know it. He always was and probably always will be. The question is can I go back to that? I lived that life though 2 marriages and only felt like I was me when I was introduced to the lifestyle. With submission came freedom - does that make sense?

I need to make some big decisions. I am in danger of losing me again and I hadn't even realised it.

Home again

I was really really positive on Friday. I was going to work really hard with Coffee Man to put all the stress and problems behind us and it worked until about 6pm.

We decided to go to the pictures, and then he said 'why don't we invite my friend - it's up to you, but she is home this weekend and she's had a heavy week'

Well, put like that I couldn't say no. But we were going to see the film that I have wanted to see for ages so ok. When we got there she queried the film but Coffee Man was firm and said 'no, we are seeing this one'. The pair of them crunched and slurped their way through the film then afterwards said it wasn't really their cup of tea.

We went to a pizza place afterwards as we had not had time for dinner, I felt like a gooseberry. Then I picked up the tab. Coffee Man had paid for the cinema, I paid for their drinks and popcorn). This sounds really churlish and mean and it is not meant that way. Usually whichever of us pays for the film and nibbles - the other does the meal. His friend just took it as read that I would pick up the bills. Not even an offer or a contribution.

Things had been normal on Friday night, we had a great evening, it was loving and sensual. Last night though when we went to bed I could not even bear him to touch me.

I had made the decision to try and make this work but three people in the equation doesn't work. She knew every detail of the row we had had the week before when I told him it was over. Back where I was before.

Slack day

Today was quite a change, for once I wasn't blue arsed flying around. Had a really good , productive meeting and a slow drive home with no traffic jams yay.

I got the laundry sorted, the house tidied, and everything is right with the world.

I am making a real effort with Coffee Man at the moment. Trying to put the neurosis of the last few weeks, out of my mind. He does love me, just can't say it. The past few days he has really been here for me. When I have been stressed out and in tears he has held me and tried to sort the problem out.

Yes, I still love the Dutchman and probably always will, but a different type of love, tinted with the rose coloured spectacles. He is not a stayer. He is not a player either but he will flit in and out of my life hurting me each time he leaves.

Coffee Man is steady and secure. Pedantic, obtuse, dogmatic but he looks out for me.
I need to settle, I'm not a child anymore. The men in my life recently have hurt me a lot. Maybe it's time?

Welcome to the plumber's blog....

Well guess what .... it leaked (sigh) so Coffee Man was back at the DIY shed this morning and I am about to go and test it... yes it's bath time again!

If anyone wishes to know anything about plumbing whether it be copper or plastic, metric or imperial, push fit compression or Yorkshire I'm your gal!!!!


Sighs..... time to go and try again

Noisy!

The drying out man has just left, taking with him 2m squared of my ceiling, same amount of wallpaper and leaving me with dehumidifying machines to dry out my ceiling and walls. And they are NOISY!!!!

I don't think they will be on overnight somehow?

The plumber came back - again and hopefully has sorted the leak, but then I said that last time. I am about to find out - time to run a bath-- wish me luck as you wave me goodbye. there is a genuine chance I will come though the ceiling tonight as I have none (giggle)

Gotta laugh!

Drip drip drip

Well, when I had a bath last night, I came back downstairs to more water, has the leak moved? So sick of this. I tried to recreate it this morning and not a drop so it all hinges on tonight's bath. Please let it be ok.... please...

I went to Pilates this morning then popped in to see my mam. Went over to Coffee Man's to cook him a proper dinner (or is that breakfast since he is on nights)

I even suggested his friend comes over - she is going away for a month and is very nervous and hung up about it. See I can be nice sometimes!

Anyway time to pray that I don't come crashing through the ceiling with the bath. Not a pretty sight for the emergency crew!

Wet wet wet

Well, the slight leak I discovered Thursday, after many attempts to resolve and locate the problem has turned into a major leak. In fact leak is an understatement - flood or deluge may be more appropriate.

Coffee Man was great, when he rang to say goodnight he realised I was upset and came over, arriving at 11.30pm, we worked until 2 trying to fix it to no avail. He worked all day with multiple tips to DIY sheds and plumbers merchants (why do they still close at midday?) until we admitted defeat at 3. He had to go to work tonight and there were things he should have been doing today.

I got an emergency plumber (or should that be extortionate plumber? - £150 for an hour's work!!!!!!!!!!!) and it is fixed. I hope. Now I need to address the problem of no ceiling in my hallway and the walls are soaked. It needs replastering and redecorating now. That was not in the project plan!

So much for a leisurely weekend - the first one with no study in a year.
Sheesh!

Coffee Man was really good this weekend even though I had a long discussion with him last night about "us". I explained how distant I was feeling, how lost and insecure. I said I wasn't sure where we were going about perhaps we should take a break. He doesn't want to and wants to try again.

Just have to wait and see I suppose.

I've not made any arrangements with the Dutchman for coffee yet.To tell the truth I'm scared. Rosie you were so spot on in yesterday's reply. So spot on I didn't get through it without tears.

Time will tell what will happen.

Mixed up

My Dutch ex text me yesterday t tell me he was coming home from Holland and could we meet up for coffee.

God I loved that man. But things were not to be and he went back to Holland 3 years ago. He had family issues that needed to be attended to.

Ever since he got back in touch I have been on a knife edge. He makes me laugh, he makes me get btterflies just at the thought of him. That has always been the case. I don't know if the current situation with Coffee Man is exacerbating that. He has not contacted at all today.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm kidding myself thinking a coffee is just a coffee. I don't know if I will see him for the first time in years and all those old feelings will come flooding back. Or if I will meet him, have a laugh over old times, and then part as friends and nothing more?

Is it worth the risk? I don't know. I just don't know.

I don't know if I just want to feel special and loved, that I am someone's priority - not an afterthought.

I need to work this out.

Grossed out on digestives

I am really cross with myself, I went into the exam this afternoon quite confident, but then sat down, read the compulsory question and my mind left the building. I could not remember the most basic of things. The minute I left the room it came flooding back. So resits here we come.

I spoke to a colleague who I had entrusted a piece of equipment too before I went on study leave and he called me today to tell me he had put it down somewhere and it had been stolen.

So a really good day!

The one bright part was that on my return home I checked my e-mail and I got a credit for the last assignment I posted, funnily enough the one I had the exam in today.

Not spoken to Coffee Man at all although he did text to wish me luck. Back to the inconsistency.

Mixed Feelings

Well, the day was half bad as expected but not the half I thought. I thought the morning would be ok but it was awful and the afternoon that I was dreading (management accounts and statistics) went really rather well. Strange.

So, I'm off for an early night again ready for the trials and tribulations of tomorrow.

Exams tomorrow

Mini blog.


I'm stressed, very stressed.

Can't remember anything for the exams.

Feeling very unloved - he has been with her all weekend. I didn't get a goodnight - he was out partying. He said hello by text from her place today at 2pm.

So, I'm going for an early night.

New PC

It was too late to post an entry last night. I picked up my new PC, (the old one although new was not working properly so I had to exchange it) so I spent the evening getting it all reset up. What a pain in the butt!

The new pc has Vista on it which of course was incompatible with my sevice provider so I had to jump through hoops to sort it.

It was back to the books again today, I am streaming with cold and supposed to be going to the gym tomorrow but don't think I will make it. Then it is study group with the girls ready for the dreaded day on Monday.


I've not seen Coffee Man since Thursday and after the warmth and closeness early in the week I'm feeling a little distant from him tonight. When he rang he had me on speaker phone as he is going out tonight. He has been over at his other female friend's today and is going back tomorrow. Just when I was feeling secure BAM.

A day of contemplation

Well, what can I say. Coffee Man arrived last night with a huge bouquet of deep red velvet roses. We went to the cinema and out for dinner where a most interesting conversation ensued.

My previous relationship was although mentally painful at the end, a turning point in my life. My ex was not only boyfriend, lover, partner, friend, he was also Master. Coffee Man has never experienced that type of a relationship before. I'm not entirely sure how it happended but the conversation came up over dinner. Although discrete, I did think the woman at the next table was going to choke at one point.

The outcome of this discussion is that he is interested in learning more. Where on earth do I go from here? I was the student, and here I am being cast in the role of tutor. I have friends in the scene over here but it somehow does not seem right to bring others in at this point. He wants to know what the scene is about but not too directly if that makes sense and I don't want to scare him. Sounds daft, scaring a potential Dom? I am probably hugely underestimating the way he would react but it is an odd situation for me and him.

He even had access to my toy box for the first time, it has been very carefully underwraps until now. He knew about my former relationship but it is the first time he has expressed an interest. His expressions were a picture. should have had my camera handy.

My mind has certainly not been on my study today though. Must do better tomorrow!

Sneezy and studying

I managed to get 2 modules done today - yippee, a bit concerned because it seemed to be sinking in. Let's hope I can recall it next week. Just think this time next week it is all over.

I have the opticians in the morning and then I got a phone call from the doctor asking me to go in for a check- up. That means I'm not going to get much done tomorrow.

Coffee Man is coming over tomorrow at 6 and we are going to the pictures. It is Valentine's Day after all.

I spent the evening on the phone to my mum, she has bought a new PC and is struggling to set it up. Hopefully she is ok now. It seemed to be working ok.

Wow!

Well, I've had a busy few days whilst I have been away, yes I know that is not unusual at the moment, life is frantic. I went looking at cars on Saturday and test driving them on Sunday, spent the night with Coffee Man on Saturday which was entertaining. Where he is having building work done, and where the weather has been absolutely wild with torrential rain and strong winds, his roof (what little of it there is at the minute) was leaking like a sieve, so I spent the night with him up a ladder or mopping. It was fun though, we felt really close.

Sunday was gym as normal, I came home and studied and then he came over for dinner. I was feeling unwell through the night, I had really bad cramp, he went and made me a herbal tea, came back to bed, hugged me and told me he loved me. Yes, he told me he loved me!!!

I have been really unsure about his feelings, he was badly hurt before and where I am an open book and you know my thoughts and feelings just to look at me, the most he had ever said before was that he liked me, a lot, but last night, he held me and told me he loved me.

I know I'm repeating myself but it came as such a shock. No, surprise. I asked when this had come about and he said he had been thinking about it for a few days.

So, wow!

He loves me!!!!!!

Sooo weary

Well yesterday went ok but I didn't sleep much the night before, I was up and down checking for snow most of the night. I looked at 3 for the last time and it was clear, when I got up at 4:30 there was 3 inches!
So, I pulled on my sweat pants and went out and cleared the car, came back in and had a hot coffee. By the time I left at 5:15 the car was covered again! By this time I was in my new brown suit and cream silk blouse, so I was gingerly trying to clear it again with an old baggy coat on and not get creased or wet.

Driving conditions were horrid, really quite scary. At that time of the morning I was the first car out and living on a hill it was not fun. Driving along by braille, when I could feel cats eyes or kerb strips I was moving over.

The day was long but informative but I was so tired by the time I got home at 11pm. I just jumped into the bath then straight into bed.

I still managed to be at my desk by 7 this morning and got loads done. I have to go and look at new cars tomorrow - exciting - the good thing about having a company car, the bad thing is the amount of tax I have to pay.

I'm going to look with my dad and collect some brochures and then Coffee Man should be up (he is working tonight) and he wants to have a look too.

He has asked if I want to go to the pictures in the evening, just the two of us :)

Busy, busy, busy

So much for a peaceful day. I think everybody in the world rang me except the one person I needed to speak to. But it was quite constructive and I have pre-empted lots of problems that would have crept up next week when I am off. I did manage to get my eyebrows waxed today though.

I have been warily keeping an eye on the forecast today as it is going to snow tomorrow - heavily. I am supposed to be going to the midlands tomorrow, a 4 hour journey in good conditions. I have the shovel in the boot and lots of warm clothes. Picture the scene - brand new posh tailored suit, a silk blouse---and wellingtons!

So hopefully I will make it back tomorrow!

A day in the smoke

I was in the east end of London all day today, within sight of the Millenium Dome and Canary Wharf. I hate driving round there, they all charge around and know where they are going. Carve you up and dive through impossible gaps. But it is interesting none the less.

The day was productive and we got lots done. I was quite cheerful when I left with the feeling of a job well done. I called into Bluewater on the way home and bought myself a lovely new suit. Where my shape has changed some of my suits are a little baggy now so I thought I had better start rebuilding the wardrobe. I have a big meeting on Thursday and I wanted to feel smart and confident. I shall practise putting my hair up tomorrow. I usually leave it wild and curly.

The journey home was not good though. A contractor dug through a gas mains pipe so the A2 was closed for 3 hours. It was 7pm before I got in , so much for an early afternoon. I got my study cards out of the boot and made use of the time though.

In my own office tomorrow so I should get loads done.

Monday, Monday

Today was really productive workwise, although I forgot something I was supposed to be doing right until the last minute and ended up working late and not going to the gym. On the plus side I had lost that pound I gained last week.

I've been streaming with cold again all day too. I just can't shake it off. I've had it since November. On and off but never far away.

I had a chat with Coffee Man, he is working hard too, he sounded tired. He has asked what I am doing on the 14th...... sounds promising.

A calm day

I went to the gym this morning and worked very very hard. I've put on another pound- eeek! Stress and study is no good for your butt!

I went to see my mam who is looking much better than she was and has had no further falls luckily. She too is feeling fat and flumpy.

I went on to Coffee Man's and we had quite a nice afternoon, we went out for lunch and had a chat, some normality is back. I don't feel able to be as open with him as I was before, I feel very guarded. Like if I was to open up to him, he would throw it back at me and walk away. I know that is my own insecurities talking.

After husband no 2 having his affair and walking away and a string of failed relationships since, all of whom I have been really open and given my heart to. Ending with SR who I loved and hated at the same time. I thought I saw him this morning, it shook me up and left me tearful and on edge. If it was him he is cheating on the woman he left me for, but then, that's a possibility. He too cheated on me after all.

Coffee Man was so tender with me today. I was so reserved with him, and I know I was. Usually I bound up and hug him and kiss him, today it was almost a peck on the cheek and no more.

I need to sort my brain out. He won't put up with me for long acting like that.


I ended the day laying with the PC and trying new formats, not sure if I like the colours though...

Even more study

I am starting to feel that my life is confined to study. The exams are in 16 days so I am really cramming now.

I went to the library this morning, I took a walk down there so I got to clear my head before I started. The topic today was the role of management so I could cope with that. Organisational structure and culture too. Hopefully the exam questions will be kind but I'm relatively confident on those.

I spoke to Coffee Man this evening and he is taking me out to dinner tomorrow, hopefully it will be just us two.

I'm popping in to see Mam too although she does not know this yet.

Should be a nice day

Yay it's Friday

It was an odd day today, and instead of doing two calm presentations of 25 people a piece, I ended up doing one with all 50. I was hoarse by the end of it but it was fun. Like the old Blitz spirit. Everyone mucked in together and behaved pretty well, which for my lot is good.

It also meant that I had an early finish, so I was home by just after 4. Did a bit of study then chilled for the evening.

Tomorrow is another all day study day but I'm taking Sunday off. Going to the gym then going to see my mam and Coffee Man.

(Not together)

I'm feeling a little calmer today. Hopefully that will last.

Busy day

It was a non-stop day again today. I like it when it's busy though, makes the day fly by. I was trying to write something and my research was coming to nothing. Every website I looked for was blocked or not working.

Everyone at HQ I tried to contact who would have the info was out of the office. The boss that I don't get on with decided to try and add a huge job to my workload with an urgent deadline, I managed to bounce it back at him though. He always makes me feel guilty then I take too much on and get stressed and take work home and still can't get it finished. He sets me up to fail knowing that I usually say 'yes' for a quiet life but today - 'no'!! Ha ha - it felt good.

Tomorrow I am working in London again so I'm going to try and sleep. Lay awake all night again last night. I'm sooo tired.