A cathartic exercise?

Ok. Let's get the brain emptied so I can move on. This is going to be the equivalent of the letter that is written but never sent.

Ignore it, it will make no sense but it may help to straighten my brain. Anyone reading this will think I'm mad, schizophrenic, obsessed and odd but it's only the internal thoughts most people have (I hope) but don't ever externalise.

Most people view me as cool, logical, 'the sensible one' if only they knew the turmoil in the brain. A typical Gemini, can see all sides at once. That brings it own chaos though.

But I digress.

I met SR at the airport I fly from in August 2005. He was there on his bike looking cool and sexy. Not handsome but with an air of control and command. He knew what he wanted and was going to get it. We flirted and verbally sparred and agreed to meet up that evening and go to the beach. I drove as I wanted to be in control of what happened. (sensible see!)

We went to the beach - it rained, we got soaked and I have probably not laughed as much before or since. I resisted his physical advances for all of 3 weeks! When we did get together it was fantastic! The best lover I have ever had, ok I admit it, he was the best.

The next few months were magical. New Year in particular, I will always smile when I hear Dr Hook's 'love you a little bit more' we danced all night and it was just - magical.

Things started to get cooler in the March. At the end of the month he said that he needed more and it was not fair on me to continue as he wanted to experience 'other women'.

We remained close friends and still had an occasional physical relationship but I knew he was seeing other women. I tried to be 'adult' about it but it hurt. I didn't want to lose him altogether.

I even arranged dates. One of which I cancelled as I was going out of the door as he needed me to help with a problem with his daughter who was being a spoilt brat. He controlled everything I did still.

We went to a bank holiday garden show together and he boasted of how he was 'shagging a Thai girl' it broke my heart as I knew something. I was pregnant.


Because of a pre-existent condition I knew I could not carry the baby. I had a decision to make, try, and risk us both or have an abortion. He favoured the abortion as he did not want more kids. He also would rather have me alive than dead. We still spent a lot of time together.

We had a beautiful day out on the Sunday, we went to a horticultural society, even got erm, interesting in the reeds :)

That night after I went home, I got pains in my stomach and lost the baby at 1am. To the strains of Elvis Presley's 'in the ghetto'. SR loved Elvis. I told him in the morning and he was very caring. I just dealt with everything myself.

Within 3 weeks he had met and was dating L. He told me she was just a fling nothing serious. We continued seeing each other and having sex but not as often.

In the August he helped me landscape my garden. That's when our relationship turned. He had had previous D/s relationships and one balmy afternoon it happened. I realised what had been missing in my life and why my relationships had been somehow wrong. We explored this for the next few months. I still got frustrated when he was seeing her. He always said she was not permanent. I was his no 1. I won every time. He said.

I knew there were other too but ignored it. I did get jealous.


In the November L found out about me and gave him an ultimatum. He chose her. She had threatened all sorts and was going through lots of shit at home. He came - told me and walked away.

The baby was due in December and i really needed him. I hadn't told anyone because of his kids. He thought it best they didn't know. At that point I needed someone though. He ignored me. I went through it alone and felt myself going into depression again. I was seeing a new guy, rebound! I couldn't and indeed have not told him. His daughter rang me again, again she was in trouble, I dropped everything and sorted her out, again he said he was grateful but that was it, we haven't spoken since. I wished him a happy new year and L replied on his phone (he is not even allowed to carry his mobile now!) They are still together. I saw him and her a few weeks ago, he was bellowing at her. He really does have anger problems.

He tried to hit me twice, once when I told him I was pregnant and once when I got upset when he told me it was over. His ex-wife had warned me about this.

He was a very selfish man at times. He always said that he had been married for 20 years and so now would do what he wanted when he wanted. This meant that I could never plan and he often let me down at the last minute. L is as selfish as he is. She is even always flirting with a friend of mine. So really they deserve each other.
I think my current confusion stems from the fact that he awoke something in me that I did not previously know, and as soon as I discovered it it was taken away. So I'm back living a 'normal' lifestyle having realised that it was not for me.

Strangely enough, he is living a vanilla life too.

I loved him in a way but many is the time I thought of ending it because of his behaviour. It hurts because he ended it not me. It hurts because of the baby. It hurts because I still have to pass his house to get to work. It hurts because I feel like I'm in the wrong as he won't communicate. It hurts because L gloats. It hurts because he lied and said it would be over soon and he is still with her. It hurts because of the harsh look he had on his face as if to say 'so what? you never meant anything to me anyway.'

But now it is over, long over, never to be repeated and I have to put him in that box. I don't know what label to put on it. 'Mistake' seems harsh, 'experience' is probably more appropriate.

Remember the saying, people enter your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, so which one was he. I think his reason must have been to open my eyes to who I am. It is now up to me to follow the path or not.