The clocks went back at 2am this morning, all bar my body clock that is, so I have left E sleeping upstairs, He was working yesterday and was very tired.
So I have completed lots of (quiet) chores and the house is as it should be.
The end of a period always makes me stop and consider. When the clocks went forward I was still with CM (he rang on Friday, we talked for an hour, mainly about the other woman -his 'best friend' who still dominates his life) I was still very hung up on SR, I was missing the Dutchman. Truth be told I still miss the Dutchman. He is one of those guys that will always be in in my mind I think.
And now? I have met E, I am in a place in my mind that is calm and relaxed. It is the 1st anniversary of the eruption with SR next weekend and yet I am calm. I can see just how many things were wrong in that relationship and yet I hung on and tried to make it work. I must do some research - I can't remember who the patron saint of lost causes was but I'm sure I must have had an eye to her!
I am heading off to the gym soon, not sure why as I already feel bruised and battered from yesterday's session (gym not E)((although I do have a tingle and a redness to my rear that I cannot put down to the treadmill))
I have put on 7 pounds this last 2 months (ish) through non-attendance and working away so I need to get that back off again. E has promised to help and set me targets to work to. I weigh in on a Saturday and if it is only me looking it is a case of 'bugger must try harder next week' if E is watching He will set me tasks to do that He knows I hate in order to spur me on to the extra session in the gym or the healthy food choice.
I also know however that I will be rewarded for a loss as was demonstrated last night when He gave me a preview. I know however that there will be no repetition until I have lost 2 pounds!
That man knows how to motivate a girl! Time to get ready and take His tea before I go.
Showing posts with label reflective. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reflective. Show all posts
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Monday, April 30, 2007
Ramblings!
Ok, I shall start with a confession, I had a rather large glass of wine on an empty stomach, so please forgive typos and ramblings.
I should have mentioned Kent's biggest news in a century yesterday but I forgot. (See how much significance it had in my life?) We had an earthquake. Yes, the most excitement seen in Folkestone since they closed the amusements. well, Folkestone is claiming the credit but it was 7 miles out in the English Channel. Worryingly enough it was right next to the Tunnel. Hmmm and my friend who works on it wonders why I have never used it?
It started me thinking though. What would have happened if it was on the north Kent coast not the south? There is a munitions ship that sunk off the Isle of Sheppey, the SS Montgomery from memory, and every year teams have to go out and check it to make sure it is not about to blow up the whole of the Isle of Sheppey. (Although some may think that would be preferable)
Today SR has been on my mind all day, I think it is because I saw a biker this morning who may or may not have been him, I didn't really get a chance to register, I did register that the rider looked at me long and hard before riding off, it may have been him, it may not, I really am not sure, but his reaction suggests it was. I was in the car going the other way.
Must repeat to myself the man was a bastard a thousand times over.
Anyway, I'm in a hotel, still got a few things to finish off. Not much - just signing certificates.
I should have mentioned Kent's biggest news in a century yesterday but I forgot. (See how much significance it had in my life?) We had an earthquake. Yes, the most excitement seen in Folkestone since they closed the amusements. well, Folkestone is claiming the credit but it was 7 miles out in the English Channel. Worryingly enough it was right next to the Tunnel. Hmmm and my friend who works on it wonders why I have never used it?
It started me thinking though. What would have happened if it was on the north Kent coast not the south? There is a munitions ship that sunk off the Isle of Sheppey, the SS Montgomery from memory, and every year teams have to go out and check it to make sure it is not about to blow up the whole of the Isle of Sheppey. (Although some may think that would be preferable)
Today SR has been on my mind all day, I think it is because I saw a biker this morning who may or may not have been him, I didn't really get a chance to register, I did register that the rider looked at me long and hard before riding off, it may have been him, it may not, I really am not sure, but his reaction suggests it was. I was in the car going the other way.
Must repeat to myself the man was a bastard a thousand times over.
Anyway, I'm in a hotel, still got a few things to finish off. Not much - just signing certificates.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Sunny day
I went to the gym this morning then came home and cracked on. The washing and ironing is all done, the garden is mowed and weeded. Not only that it's dug over and the borders are looking neater.
I realised I haven't seen CM since Monday and not really missed him, is that because I am secure or evil? He hasn't text or rung today and apart from a passing thought earlier I'd not even realised. I think I'll text him and see if he is busy as I'm just heading off to bed.
I realised I haven't seen CM since Monday and not really missed him, is that because I am secure or evil? He hasn't text or rung today and apart from a passing thought earlier I'd not even realised. I think I'll text him and see if he is busy as I'm just heading off to bed.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
A cathartic exercise?
Ok. Let's get the brain emptied so I can move on. This is going to be the equivalent of the letter that is written but never sent.
Ignore it, it will make no sense but it may help to straighten my brain. Anyone reading this will think I'm mad, schizophrenic, obsessed and odd but it's only the internal thoughts most people have (I hope) but don't ever externalise.
Most people view me as cool, logical, 'the sensible one' if only they knew the turmoil in the brain. A typical Gemini, can see all sides at once. That brings it own chaos though.
But I digress.
I met SR at the airport I fly from in August 2005. He was there on his bike looking cool and sexy. Not handsome but with an air of control and command. He knew what he wanted and was going to get it. We flirted and verbally sparred and agreed to meet up that evening and go to the beach. I drove as I wanted to be in control of what happened. (sensible see!)
We went to the beach - it rained, we got soaked and I have probably not laughed as much before or since. I resisted his physical advances for all of 3 weeks! When we did get together it was fantastic! The best lover I have ever had, ok I admit it, he was the best.
The next few months were magical. New Year in particular, I will always smile when I hear Dr Hook's 'love you a little bit more' we danced all night and it was just - magical.
Things started to get cooler in the March. At the end of the month he said that he needed more and it was not fair on me to continue as he wanted to experience 'other women'.
We remained close friends and still had an occasional physical relationship but I knew he was seeing other women. I tried to be 'adult' about it but it hurt. I didn't want to lose him altogether.
I even arranged dates. One of which I cancelled as I was going out of the door as he needed me to help with a problem with his daughter who was being a spoilt brat. He controlled everything I did still.
We went to a bank holiday garden show together and he boasted of how he was 'shagging a Thai girl' it broke my heart as I knew something. I was pregnant.
Because of a pre-existent condition I knew I could not carry the baby. I had a decision to make, try, and risk us both or have an abortion. He favoured the abortion as he did not want more kids. He also would rather have me alive than dead. We still spent a lot of time together.
We had a beautiful day out on the Sunday, we went to a horticultural society, even got erm, interesting in the reeds :)
That night after I went home, I got pains in my stomach and lost the baby at 1am. To the strains of Elvis Presley's 'in the ghetto'. SR loved Elvis. I told him in the morning and he was very caring. I just dealt with everything myself.
Within 3 weeks he had met and was dating L. He told me she was just a fling nothing serious. We continued seeing each other and having sex but not as often.
In the August he helped me landscape my garden. That's when our relationship turned. He had had previous D/s relationships and one balmy afternoon it happened. I realised what had been missing in my life and why my relationships had been somehow wrong. We explored this for the next few months. I still got frustrated when he was seeing her. He always said she was not permanent. I was his no 1. I won every time. He said.
I knew there were other too but ignored it. I did get jealous.
In the November L found out about me and gave him an ultimatum. He chose her. She had threatened all sorts and was going through lots of shit at home. He came - told me and walked away.
The baby was due in December and i really needed him. I hadn't told anyone because of his kids. He thought it best they didn't know. At that point I needed someone though. He ignored me. I went through it alone and felt myself going into depression again. I was seeing a new guy, rebound! I couldn't and indeed have not told him. His daughter rang me again, again she was in trouble, I dropped everything and sorted her out, again he said he was grateful but that was it, we haven't spoken since. I wished him a happy new year and L replied on his phone (he is not even allowed to carry his mobile now!) They are still together. I saw him and her a few weeks ago, he was bellowing at her. He really does have anger problems.
He tried to hit me twice, once when I told him I was pregnant and once when I got upset when he told me it was over. His ex-wife had warned me about this.
He was a very selfish man at times. He always said that he had been married for 20 years and so now would do what he wanted when he wanted. This meant that I could never plan and he often let me down at the last minute. L is as selfish as he is. She is even always flirting with a friend of mine. So really they deserve each other.
I think my current confusion stems from the fact that he awoke something in me that I did not previously know, and as soon as I discovered it it was taken away. So I'm back living a 'normal' lifestyle having realised that it was not for me.
Strangely enough, he is living a vanilla life too.
I loved him in a way but many is the time I thought of ending it because of his behaviour. It hurts because he ended it not me. It hurts because of the baby. It hurts because I still have to pass his house to get to work. It hurts because I feel like I'm in the wrong as he won't communicate. It hurts because L gloats. It hurts because he lied and said it would be over soon and he is still with her. It hurts because of the harsh look he had on his face as if to say 'so what? you never meant anything to me anyway.'
But now it is over, long over, never to be repeated and I have to put him in that box. I don't know what label to put on it. 'Mistake' seems harsh, 'experience' is probably more appropriate.
Remember the saying, people enter your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, so which one was he. I think his reason must have been to open my eyes to who I am. It is now up to me to follow the path or not.
Ignore it, it will make no sense but it may help to straighten my brain. Anyone reading this will think I'm mad, schizophrenic, obsessed and odd but it's only the internal thoughts most people have (I hope) but don't ever externalise.
Most people view me as cool, logical, 'the sensible one' if only they knew the turmoil in the brain. A typical Gemini, can see all sides at once. That brings it own chaos though.
But I digress.
I met SR at the airport I fly from in August 2005. He was there on his bike looking cool and sexy. Not handsome but with an air of control and command. He knew what he wanted and was going to get it. We flirted and verbally sparred and agreed to meet up that evening and go to the beach. I drove as I wanted to be in control of what happened. (sensible see!)
We went to the beach - it rained, we got soaked and I have probably not laughed as much before or since. I resisted his physical advances for all of 3 weeks! When we did get together it was fantastic! The best lover I have ever had, ok I admit it, he was the best.
The next few months were magical. New Year in particular, I will always smile when I hear Dr Hook's 'love you a little bit more' we danced all night and it was just - magical.
Things started to get cooler in the March. At the end of the month he said that he needed more and it was not fair on me to continue as he wanted to experience 'other women'.
We remained close friends and still had an occasional physical relationship but I knew he was seeing other women. I tried to be 'adult' about it but it hurt. I didn't want to lose him altogether.
I even arranged dates. One of which I cancelled as I was going out of the door as he needed me to help with a problem with his daughter who was being a spoilt brat. He controlled everything I did still.
We went to a bank holiday garden show together and he boasted of how he was 'shagging a Thai girl' it broke my heart as I knew something. I was pregnant.
Because of a pre-existent condition I knew I could not carry the baby. I had a decision to make, try, and risk us both or have an abortion. He favoured the abortion as he did not want more kids. He also would rather have me alive than dead. We still spent a lot of time together.
We had a beautiful day out on the Sunday, we went to a horticultural society, even got erm, interesting in the reeds :)
That night after I went home, I got pains in my stomach and lost the baby at 1am. To the strains of Elvis Presley's 'in the ghetto'. SR loved Elvis. I told him in the morning and he was very caring. I just dealt with everything myself.
Within 3 weeks he had met and was dating L. He told me she was just a fling nothing serious. We continued seeing each other and having sex but not as often.
In the August he helped me landscape my garden. That's when our relationship turned. He had had previous D/s relationships and one balmy afternoon it happened. I realised what had been missing in my life and why my relationships had been somehow wrong. We explored this for the next few months. I still got frustrated when he was seeing her. He always said she was not permanent. I was his no 1. I won every time. He said.
I knew there were other too but ignored it. I did get jealous.
In the November L found out about me and gave him an ultimatum. He chose her. She had threatened all sorts and was going through lots of shit at home. He came - told me and walked away.
The baby was due in December and i really needed him. I hadn't told anyone because of his kids. He thought it best they didn't know. At that point I needed someone though. He ignored me. I went through it alone and felt myself going into depression again. I was seeing a new guy, rebound! I couldn't and indeed have not told him. His daughter rang me again, again she was in trouble, I dropped everything and sorted her out, again he said he was grateful but that was it, we haven't spoken since. I wished him a happy new year and L replied on his phone (he is not even allowed to carry his mobile now!) They are still together. I saw him and her a few weeks ago, he was bellowing at her. He really does have anger problems.
He tried to hit me twice, once when I told him I was pregnant and once when I got upset when he told me it was over. His ex-wife had warned me about this.
He was a very selfish man at times. He always said that he had been married for 20 years and so now would do what he wanted when he wanted. This meant that I could never plan and he often let me down at the last minute. L is as selfish as he is. She is even always flirting with a friend of mine. So really they deserve each other.
I think my current confusion stems from the fact that he awoke something in me that I did not previously know, and as soon as I discovered it it was taken away. So I'm back living a 'normal' lifestyle having realised that it was not for me.
Strangely enough, he is living a vanilla life too.
I loved him in a way but many is the time I thought of ending it because of his behaviour. It hurts because he ended it not me. It hurts because of the baby. It hurts because I still have to pass his house to get to work. It hurts because I feel like I'm in the wrong as he won't communicate. It hurts because L gloats. It hurts because he lied and said it would be over soon and he is still with her. It hurts because of the harsh look he had on his face as if to say 'so what? you never meant anything to me anyway.'
But now it is over, long over, never to be repeated and I have to put him in that box. I don't know what label to put on it. 'Mistake' seems harsh, 'experience' is probably more appropriate.
Remember the saying, people enter your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, so which one was he. I think his reason must have been to open my eyes to who I am. It is now up to me to follow the path or not.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Who am I?
I had a nudge from someone on here today that has set me thinking. Who am I?
I am daughter, sister, ex-wife (twice), ex-girlfriend (too many to mention), girlfriend, aunty, god-mother many times over, ex -sub, or am I, just because I don't have a Sir in my life at the moment does that make me an ex-sub? hmmm no, and perhaps that is the problem.
I am so many things to so many people but the essence of me is someone who wants to please, so I have all of these relationships where I am trying to please everyone, not always succeeding but leaving myself essentially unfulfilled because I am not pleasing the One. This may sound odd but when Sir was in my life I strove to please Him and only Him. This in turn left me fulfilled and happy. I feel really lost at the minute. When I pleased Him He rewarded me, whether it was with a kind word or a touch or even just a smile and it meant the world to me. I feel at the moment that I am just expected to please everyone and get no recognition at all. God I sound like a spoiled brat. But when I pleased Him it seemed easy to please everone else too. Everyone was happy.
I said that I thought it was time for a break from Coffee Man last week and he said he wanted to try again, but at the moment it feels like the same old same old. I am walking on eggshells emotionally. One minute I'm up one minute I'm down. I need some order in my life. To know my boundaries, where I stand, I thought at one point he was interested in learning more but that has been swept away and not mentioned again. He is a nilla and I know it. He always was and probably always will be. The question is can I go back to that? I lived that life though 2 marriages and only felt like I was me when I was introduced to the lifestyle. With submission came freedom - does that make sense?
I need to make some big decisions. I am in danger of losing me again and I hadn't even realised it.
I am daughter, sister, ex-wife (twice), ex-girlfriend (too many to mention), girlfriend, aunty, god-mother many times over, ex -sub, or am I, just because I don't have a Sir in my life at the moment does that make me an ex-sub? hmmm no, and perhaps that is the problem.
I am so many things to so many people but the essence of me is someone who wants to please, so I have all of these relationships where I am trying to please everyone, not always succeeding but leaving myself essentially unfulfilled because I am not pleasing the One. This may sound odd but when Sir was in my life I strove to please Him and only Him. This in turn left me fulfilled and happy. I feel really lost at the minute. When I pleased Him He rewarded me, whether it was with a kind word or a touch or even just a smile and it meant the world to me. I feel at the moment that I am just expected to please everyone and get no recognition at all. God I sound like a spoiled brat. But when I pleased Him it seemed easy to please everone else too. Everyone was happy.
I said that I thought it was time for a break from Coffee Man last week and he said he wanted to try again, but at the moment it feels like the same old same old. I am walking on eggshells emotionally. One minute I'm up one minute I'm down. I need some order in my life. To know my boundaries, where I stand, I thought at one point he was interested in learning more but that has been swept away and not mentioned again. He is a nilla and I know it. He always was and probably always will be. The question is can I go back to that? I lived that life though 2 marriages and only felt like I was me when I was introduced to the lifestyle. With submission came freedom - does that make sense?
I need to make some big decisions. I am in danger of losing me again and I hadn't even realised it.
Sunday, March 04, 2007
Home again
I was really really positive on Friday. I was going to work really hard with Coffee Man to put all the stress and problems behind us and it worked until about 6pm.
We decided to go to the pictures, and then he said 'why don't we invite my friend - it's up to you, but she is home this weekend and she's had a heavy week'
Well, put like that I couldn't say no. But we were going to see the film that I have wanted to see for ages so ok. When we got there she queried the film but Coffee Man was firm and said 'no, we are seeing this one'. The pair of them crunched and slurped their way through the film then afterwards said it wasn't really their cup of tea.
We went to a pizza place afterwards as we had not had time for dinner, I felt like a gooseberry. Then I picked up the tab. Coffee Man had paid for the cinema, I paid for their drinks and popcorn). This sounds really churlish and mean and it is not meant that way. Usually whichever of us pays for the film and nibbles - the other does the meal. His friend just took it as read that I would pick up the bills. Not even an offer or a contribution.
Things had been normal on Friday night, we had a great evening, it was loving and sensual. Last night though when we went to bed I could not even bear him to touch me.
I had made the decision to try and make this work but three people in the equation doesn't work. She knew every detail of the row we had had the week before when I told him it was over. Back where I was before.
We decided to go to the pictures, and then he said 'why don't we invite my friend - it's up to you, but she is home this weekend and she's had a heavy week'
Well, put like that I couldn't say no. But we were going to see the film that I have wanted to see for ages so ok. When we got there she queried the film but Coffee Man was firm and said 'no, we are seeing this one'. The pair of them crunched and slurped their way through the film then afterwards said it wasn't really their cup of tea.
We went to a pizza place afterwards as we had not had time for dinner, I felt like a gooseberry. Then I picked up the tab. Coffee Man had paid for the cinema, I paid for their drinks and popcorn). This sounds really churlish and mean and it is not meant that way. Usually whichever of us pays for the film and nibbles - the other does the meal. His friend just took it as read that I would pick up the bills. Not even an offer or a contribution.
Things had been normal on Friday night, we had a great evening, it was loving and sensual. Last night though when we went to bed I could not even bear him to touch me.
I had made the decision to try and make this work but three people in the equation doesn't work. She knew every detail of the row we had had the week before when I told him it was over. Back where I was before.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Slack day
Today was quite a change, for once I wasn't blue arsed flying around. Had a really good , productive meeting and a slow drive home with no traffic jams yay.
I got the laundry sorted, the house tidied, and everything is right with the world.
I am making a real effort with Coffee Man at the moment. Trying to put the neurosis of the last few weeks, out of my mind. He does love me, just can't say it. The past few days he has really been here for me. When I have been stressed out and in tears he has held me and tried to sort the problem out.
Yes, I still love the Dutchman and probably always will, but a different type of love, tinted with the rose coloured spectacles. He is not a stayer. He is not a player either but he will flit in and out of my life hurting me each time he leaves.
Coffee Man is steady and secure. Pedantic, obtuse, dogmatic but he looks out for me.
I need to settle, I'm not a child anymore. The men in my life recently have hurt me a lot. Maybe it's time?
I got the laundry sorted, the house tidied, and everything is right with the world.
I am making a real effort with Coffee Man at the moment. Trying to put the neurosis of the last few weeks, out of my mind. He does love me, just can't say it. The past few days he has really been here for me. When I have been stressed out and in tears he has held me and tried to sort the problem out.
Yes, I still love the Dutchman and probably always will, but a different type of love, tinted with the rose coloured spectacles. He is not a stayer. He is not a player either but he will flit in and out of my life hurting me each time he leaves.
Coffee Man is steady and secure. Pedantic, obtuse, dogmatic but he looks out for me.
I need to settle, I'm not a child anymore. The men in my life recently have hurt me a lot. Maybe it's time?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)