Shattered

After a 16 hour day yesterday culminating with a drive through the flood zones, it was a repeat performance today but without the drive.

After a full day I discovered that one of my colleagues has booked a meeting tomorrow different to the one scheduled. He always does this to me as he knows that I will put in all the hours god sends just so he can't be smarmy and patronising.

It always seems to be an I lose he wins situation, the man is a twonk!

Coffee man may be coming over Saturday, to see the new car and conservatory.... I'll leave that train of thought there, I don't know where to take it.

Dutchman is still missing...........

Networking

I had a little bit of a different day today, I had to visit a supplier and do the networking thing, it was a nice change to the normal. Back in hi-vis jackets and steel toe capped shoes. Not quite my normal suit and heels.

I popped back to the office and sorted out a new pc programme that one of the guys requested, I'm getting quite good at programming.

Came home and wrote a letter to the builders, I'm still waiting for a cheque that has been in the post for a fortnight!

In between times another visit to the gym, I lost a pound today , yay!!!

Oh, and hayfever stinks!

Productive day? No!

The day started really well today, I got loads done this morning and then the engineer arrived to do what was a simple job. Wrong! He took the whole broadband and rf system down, so from 2.30 I was twiddling my thumbs. At least all the filing is done now though. I didn't need a pc for that.

I went to the gym this evening and did circuit training. Everything hurts now and my inhaler has never been used as much. So that is 4 successive gym days, still not lost any weight though :(

Still no word from the Dutchman either.

Whirlwind

I awoke in one of those moods today. I had the bed stripped and laundered and all of the other bits and pieces washed and on the line. I went to the gym again (2 days running) came home and cleaned the house top to bottom, I spoke to my parents who were driving home from their holiday and invited them to dinner and then prepared a 3 course meal for them (and my brother who has been fending for himself for a week and was looking malnourished.)

So, I'm now tired and happy and off to bed.

Drying off

Made it home from Wales via Somerset, guess which idiot booked an appointment in deepest darkest Somerset when the Glastonbury festival is just starting. I spent the morning swamped by multi coloured Volkswagon camper vans. Made me smile though even if I was a little late. Oops!!

Then I decided to compound it by driving home. I set the sat nav and trundled off, right past Stonehenge during the summer solstice...... hmmmm, is someone up there trying to tell me I live life at too much of a rush?

I got home and did all of my laundry, hung it out and got it almost dry, pretty good since the last three days have been spent dodging torrential rain and mudslides.

I'm trying to be positive. Dutchman has done this before and then after I have given up hope I get a phone call as if nothing has happened.

I'm trying to concoct a plan for if he does. What do I do? What do I do?

I've said before that he is such a livewire, unpredictable, crushingly embarrassing in his openess, totally the opposite to the secure, safe guy I need in my life. But he has always given me butterflies, the type of thrill you get from something dangerous. Can I see myself walking into the sunset i my twilight years? Probably not. This is all probably irelevant, he may never return.

Welsh Wales

I had a great weekend with my parents, Cumbria and Yorkshire are beautiful places, so rugged and unspoilt. I love seeing my parents together, they have a wonderful relationship but it just emphasised the fact that I felt really lonely this weekend. I've still not heard fom the Dutchman.

I'm scared something has happened.

I'm in Wales, the connection here is awful, very frustrating but I feel that way about everything today, like PMT but not.

The place is lovely though, very wet and wild.

Busy day

The day started very unsettled, I woke with a start, I had been dreaming that I was at some form of a dinner party in the middle of the street, I'm not sure where it was but the architecture was fabulous. Next thing I know I'm reading a letter or an e-mail, I'm not sure which, it was from the Dutchman saying that he had met someone and he was not coming back - ever, I ran away in tears and that's when I woke, still upset.

I pulled myself together and the workmen arrived. The conservatory is all finished now. It looks good. I brought the big desk downstairs (all by myself!) and laid the flooring too. It's really taken shape now.

I then went to the gym and did a couple of classes. I did bodybalance, bodyattack and bodypump. I now feel body weary!

I'm away with my parents at a family do this weekend then straight to Wales so I may be a while!

Still no word, I'm off to bed.

I think I'm going to die!

I've just had my gym programme review. Did I insult that man's mother? I look like a beetroot, I'm wobbling like a mad cow and starved, I have this craving for a squidgy cream cake!

I've just flumped to write this and Coffee Man text, first time in weeks so I've answered him, very light and airy.

The conservatory is lacking it's windows and roof but the framework is there. I've been out and got some flooring too.

I've pulled together some information for my assignment so all is well with the world, well almost. Still no word from the Dutchman :(

Grump!

The builders finally arrived at 11am, I had rang their office at 9.30 and was told they were on their way and should be no later than 10. They had a chat and a fag and started work at 11.30. After their lunch break, they came to tell me that they would be back tomorrow as they would not have time to finih the back of the house. This was at about 3pm. They left at 3.30. Now had they got on with it and it took the same amount of time as the front (there was less to do so technically should not have taken that long) then they would have finished by now. They are forecasting rain for the rest of the week. They cannot work in the rain obviously and I have taken the week off work. What's the chances of them finishing this week? Slim, very slim or non-existant. The problem is if you say anything it will take twice as long as they prove the point, grrrrrrr. So frustrating!

I started to look at the assignment today. Yuk! shall be making phone calls this week I think for assistance,

He still has not rang :(

Disjointed day

I had a lie in this morning, I was so tired and didn't get up until 8.30, very late! Then I went to the gym to my new class.

I picked up some glazing stuff for the shed, the window cracked in bad weather a couple of weeks ago. Then I popped down to see my parents.

I came home and put the new window in, feeling qite proud that I managed it all by myself.

And that was my day, boring huh?

Still no word!

Dopey day

I am so thick!

Today I trundled off to work in the torrential rain, though abominable traffic, found a parking space, went to get my laptop out of the back, only to discover I had forgotten it. So, I shot into work, picked up some papers I needed and went and worked from home for a couple of hours before going back in to photocopy and prep the stuff I needed.

I came home and moved 200 odd bricks, from the front of the house to the back and up a flight of stairs. I have now realised that where I had planned to start work is right where I have the great wall of England, positioned there by yours truly.

So, I've decided to give in and chill out. I did manage to finish my last uni workbook though!!! Yeah!!! (yes I know - girly girly swot swot)

Still no word!

Coming out the other side

It's been a hard few days. But, resilience is key. I have two options, cope or don't. And as I am little miss fixit, the one to whom everyone turns when life falls apart, well, I have to cope don't I?

So I've spent a couple of days sulking, brooding, snivelling and feeling sorry for myself and now I need to pick myself up and sort myself out.

Brave words huh? Now I've just got to get on with it!

Still no word from the Dutchman

Breaking my heart

SR hasn't rung, or text, or e-mailed. Nothing to say I or the baby ever existed in His life. In fact He took my replacement - the one He was screwing around with out for dinner.

I'm sure they had a lovely time.

Why the hell can I not move on. I hate what He did to me. I hate the way He made me feel, I hate the fact that I let Him treat me that way. I never really really loved Him. But there is a string there I cannot cut. More than once I was going to leave Him, but He got in first. He hurt me so badly and yet I still crave His attention.

You must think I'm mad.

He is half the man (in all ways) that the Dutchman is. Don't get me wrong , I still love the Dutchman, I always have and probably always will, whatever happens. We had something magical. But there is some evil thread linking me to Him but not the other way round. If I died tomorrow He would just shrug.

I don't know if it was just the baby that makes me feel this way about Him? So many times over the last two days I have picked up the phone to call Him, I am so proud of myself that I haven't though.

Still no word from the Dutchman either. I had a really odd feeling this morning too at 7.15 that there had been a death somewhere, I'm just waiting to hear whose though. I wish he would just let me know he is ok. He's a bugger for doing this!

Miserable

Yet again my thoughts have been with SR today, thinking this time last year I was doing x,y,z.

The reason it is so fresh in my mind is that tomorrow is the anniversary of my last miscarriage. I remember that weekend so very well, He was so tender and caring, we had to make the decision whether to have an abortion (His preference) or trying to proceed with the pregnancy. Owing to a medical complication it would be an extremely problematical pregnancy. The decision was taken away. He bought me a plant on the day, a really unusual one, as a memorial, this was even before I lost the baby as the sensible thing to do was to have a termination. But we went out to the Royal Horticultural Gardens for the day and ended up in their nursery. He bought 2 identical plants, one for me and one for Him. I lost the baby at 1 am the following day. The funny thing is the plant is just coming into flower, it didn't flower for a couple of weeks last year but it is going to be at its height tomorrow. I wonder how His is doing?

Other than that I have spent the weekend doing chores around the house and garden, and lots of study. I had planned for 4 hours but I have done nearer 7.


I've still not heard from the Dutchman.

And then on a totally different subject....

Following a discussion on another blog (yes Stagger, I will work out how to link!!!)

A little history of personal, intimate domestic appliances guaranteed to reduce (induce?) hysteria in the gentle sex.


http://www.samsloan.com/vibrator.htm

Keeping the faith

Well, he promised we would have coffee this week and I've not heard from him since.

Now, I know he was driving to Holland on Friday, I know his dad is very unwell.

His texts have not been read and his phone is switched off. Now, if he was ignoring me the phone would ring and go to answer and not just straight to voicemail. Texts sent at various times at least one would get through.

Now if he was planning a quick trip it would be no surprise that he forgot his phone charger, it may even be flat.

See, rational, calm. Trying to stave off thoughts that I scared him off.

I've signed up to an 8 week programme at the gym starting Saturday week. That should keep my concentration off men,

Mutters