Happy New Year

Coffee Man has just left, he's not feeling too well. He has man flu, so I left him to sleep until 11 whilst I studied.

Dinner went well. I introduced him to traditional Geordie cuisine. I cooked him a beef in Newcastle Brown Ale pie, this went down very well.

Desert was a raspberry cheesecake which was also enthusiastically received.

He still can never manage a full cup of my coffee though. It doesn't matter whether it is fresh filtered or instant he likens it to paint stripper. I can only make strong black coffee.

I am just about to go to my mam's, drop off the baking I did for tomorrow and the birthday presents, then off to Coffee Man's ready for the New Year celebrations.

So, until Tuesday, Happy New Year!

A quiet day

I posted my assignment off today, yippee!!!!!!

Other than that I went to the gym, tidied the house, went shopping, boring huh?

I got an email from SR thanking me for yesterday.
Boring boring boring!!!!!!!

Coffee Man is coming over tomorrow though so I have something to look forward to .

An interesting day

I thought today was going to be boring.

I finished the assignment after spending a couple of hours at the library. I did the shopping, I tidied up. I even defrosted the freezer.

I thought that was it for the day, then SR's daughter rang, 4 times, so I ended up driving over there and sorting her out and him and acting as referee. The later I told him I was not impressed with what his girlfriend was saying about me, he went quiet.

I told him about Coffee Man, and I must confess I hammed it up a little, did the old 1 door has to shut in order for another to open bit. How he treasures me (which he does) how he treats me very well (which he does) how he is not 2 timing me (which he wouldn't). I even told him about the Dutchman and his proposal. I rubbed it in that I had lost 2 stones in weight and he said I looked fantastic. He hugged me , kissed my cheek and I left.

I think I have my closure!


Happy Day

His behaviour earlier had been scary, he lost control at his daughter, he was shouting and screaming and I really felt that I was better off out of it with a kind caring considerate lovely man.

So, apart from being frozen to the marrow, I'm feeling quite glowy.

I rang Coffee Man on the way home, he had text whilst I was there so I had given him a basic outline, he is not well so I gave him phone hugs and kisses, he told me he cares for me loads and loads and I felt happy.

So, I am off for a very hot bath and bed.

The Anti-climax

Well, that's it for another year.

Xmas was ok, it was busy, lovely to catch up with everyone, but I came home today with that sigh of relief that follows a few days with the family.

SR never did contact. After all we went through, after everytime I ran around after him, every appointment I cancelled because he had a crisis that needed dealing with, and not even a 'Happy Xmas' from him. I wasn't expecting gushing apologies or anything like that, but just to know that I had featured in his memory for a brief second would have been good.

Should I still be feeling like this? Is it the lack of closure? The fact that everything erupted so suddenly and ended without a trace? All I do know is that even when I was having fun with the family and Coffee Man he was on my mind. Naturally there were references made by the family, comments on how much they disliked him. As far as they are aware we split in March, and just remained friends, they don't know we got back together in September. They disliked him so much I never was able to tell them. Least of all the relationship we had. My family would never understand the Lifestyle.

So, I smiled and laughed. Played with the kids like a good aunty should. Watched the clock- tick tock tick tock, interminable.

I am so selfish, there are people who would give their eye-teeth for a family like mine and here I am wishing the time away. I love them so much and I would be distraught if anything were to happen to them, but it is all so raw at the moment. My ex-husband has a brand new baby grandson, he would have been born about the time my son should have, everything is just triggering these feelings at the minute.

I left Coffee Man's at 11am and came home and studied. I have nearly finished the assignment, just the bibliography and appendix to do. Have a read through in daylight and make sure it is in English.

Now I am sat here, home alone wishing I was with friends but glad that I'm not. Does that make sense? I have a friend who would understand (I think) but he is out of the country with his family. I so wish he was here just to give me a hug and tell me it will all be ok. He understands all aspects of my life. The strict upbringing, the sense of humour, the Lifestyle, the essence of me really. I don't know how he got so wise, but he is so non-judgmental. He would just hold me, let me bawl my eyes out, tell me off for being so stupid, make me laugh and drink coffee. Lots of coffee.

I text Coffee Man 2 hours ago to say I had finished my work for the day but he has not replied. Have I upset him too? I am so paranoid it is stupid.

Last Post - (until Wednesday)

The car is empty ready to pack all of the goodies in, I've nearly decided what I'm wearing over the next few days. So all is set for Xmas.

I am popping over to see Coffee Man this afternoon after he has visited his parent's grave. Christmas can be tinged with sadness for so many.

Then off to my mother's for Xmas Eve. Tomorrow I am spending the day with my sister and the family then off to see Coffee Man on Tuesday. It should be a fun few days. Wednesday I return to reality with an attempt to finish my assignment.

So, until then,

Merry Xmas and a Peaceful New Year.

Bridget

Slept in late

I didn't wake up until 9:30 today, how late was that! I must have needed it though. I never normally sleep past 6:30. Although I was still awake at 3, hmm maybe that was it.

Then I went to the chemist, got more linctus, got some lemons for Coffee Man's lemon meringue pie, (his favourite, my speciality - how good is that?) I am making desert on Boxing Day as he cooks dinner.

I managed an hour's study despite my mother ringing, realising I had no voice and then throwing a thousand questions at me to which after every answer she said 'pardon, I can't hear you'. I managed to squeak I'll see you later and left it at that. Bless her!

I went down to Coffee Man's, had a lovely afternoon with him (sigh) and then went on to my mother's. It's my aunt's partner's birthday so we had to visit to deliver presents.

So here I am home again, heard yesterday that my ex-husband is a step-grandfather, that made me giggle as he is only 34. His sister said that he is less than impressed with everyone calling him grandad.

C'est la vie, that's what happens when you have an affair with a woman 11 years older than you.

Proper Poorly

Well, I made it to work, felt rough and rang the doctors. I am now on antibiotics and have had to increase my inhalers. I have no voice at all and when Coffee Man rang I was as surprised as him when I could only squeak at him.

Merry Xmas eh?

I did get a bit more of my assignment done though. I want to try and get past the half way stage tomorrow. It needs to be handed in in the first days of January.

Birthday celebrations

Another busy day today. I was up and about and on the roads early today, the M25 was a breeze despite the thick fog. Maybe it should be foggy more often?

I got to my venue early, my delegates were there and ready so we started early. That meant we could finish early so I got to my mam's at 4pm. We had a coffee then we all went off to my sister's to celebrate my niece's birthday. 15. However did that happen. She's growing up way too fast.

I was grilled about Coffee Man. My policeman brother in law has been digging around as Coffee Man is also in the emergency services. There seems to be acceptance there. Always good.

Then a trip home again. I have realised why my thoughts are on SR, or at least when, it is at its worst when I am driving. I seem to have time to think, to reminisce, to mourn, to worry, to fret, to be jealous, to be angry, to be hurt, to be tearful, to be sad, to be angry with myself for feeling that way. Maybe I should drive less?


I've got a bit of a cough tonight, setting off my asthma so I'm going to have some linctus and try and sleep it off.

Starting to get festive

I had a really productive day today. I got some of my assignment done, wrote 2 packages at work, (usually manage 1 a day) went to the gym, came home and wrapped all of my presents up. Wow!!!!

I treated myself to a lasagna and a glass of Baileys. So much for the work I did at the gym....

Tomorrow is my niece's birthday. How did she get to be 15 all of a sudden? It seems like yesterday she was a baby. She is having a birthday party of sorts, family thing, probably bore her to tears, all us oldies going eeeh hasn't she grown.

Coffee Man is having another Xmas bash so he is not coming, it will probably be New Year before he meets the clan. I am meeting his sister on Boxing Day.

So, time for bed, I'm off to London early tomorrow. Another day parked on the M25!

Home again

I had a really good day at work today. Everything seemed to fall into place. Then I drove home, chatted with friends and did some of my assignment for Uni. I am almost there with my Xmas shopping, just one more bit to get. Coffee Man is wonderful and all in the garden is blooming lol.

Well, almost, there's always a catch. SR has been continually in my thoughts. I really do not know why. His new woman will be there all Xmas. All I can think of is the way he kept telling me she would be off the scene soon and not to worry. She will be living with him within days with her kids.

Now, bearing in mind, he lied, he cheated, he hit me, he was happy when our baby died. I am now with a loving, caring sweet guy who my family will love, (they hated SR) what the hell is wrong with me?

I hope this is the last throes of the after effects of the break up, especially after the weekend we just had. He was a perfect gentleman when I wanted him to be, and a perfect Master when he needed to be. To some that will not make sense but it is my way of life.

He was not previously involved in my way of life but he is learning. He is not as vanilla as I thought which makes him all the more perfect when it was the last thing I expected.

I'm smiling as I type this as I recently said to someone that they did not need to justify their thoughts. I think that is the first time I have alluded to my lifestyle in my blog, although I have been open when talking to others on theirs.

Do I need to justify it? No! Bite the bullet girl!

I am who I am. My mother would be horrified, my friends would be surprised, disgusted , inquisitive and missing if they knew. My 2 lives are separate. But I am the same person.

An interesting evening

Well, the guy I turned down has turned nasty. He has spent the day declaring his undying love, and then when I said I was not interested called me all manner of nasty things. C'est la vie!

He is now in the chatroom we all use flaunting his new girlfriend, trying to make me jealous (I think) when will he realise that I am not interested? I just hope he does not hurt the new woman.

Other than that, not a bad day, I drove down to the south coast in the thick fog, did my session, then hunted out the hotel. Did some work here then spent the night chilling.

So tomorrow it is more of the same then back home.

All good fun!

Sunday Evening

I had the most fantastic weekend. Romantic walks on a windswept beach, full and frank discussions on every (and I mean every!) aspect of our lives, fun times with his 6 year old daughter and well..... I shall say nothing of how warm the nights got despite there being frost on the ground and it wasn't all down to the log fires.

I've just got home and the house was cold and empty and it feels a little anti-climatic.
My decorations are not yet up as I have been away so much. I still need to finish my Xmas shopping and I am working away for part of the week. I need a break!

The holiday looks like being spent doing my assignment and studying though. Stop the world it's going round too quick!!


I am away tomorrow so may not get online so I shall leave it there.

Surprise weekend away

I forgot to mention I am away for a couple of days so my next entry will be on Sunday. I'm going to be brave and go away with the Coffee Man. Wish me luck.

Got a scare!

I went to see my mam after work today as I was working in her town. Waited for ages for her to open the door and when she did I found her in a heap on the floor. She had slipped down the stairs. So I ended up taking her to hospital and getting checked out. It frightened me so much, I could barely get in the door as that is where she was lying in a crumpled heap. I am a first aider and I have had to deal with some really nasty things before but it is different when it is someone you love. I was really scared but she is ok. She is bruised and has a badly sprained ankle. She was in shock too which was why she was a bit confused.

So, I have just left her, fed , watered and drugged up. My brother is looking after her now.

So, I am going for a hot bath and get to bed.

Bridget

Home again

I got lots of things done at head office this morning. The mood was relaxed as the boss was not in. We had a bit of a giggle, then i drove home. I got quite a few Xmas presents too. So I'm feeling quite chilled. I spoke to Coffee Man and he is well.

I am going over there on Friday night and meeting his daughter too. I'm a little scared about that. I have a few days to build up the courage though.

Tomorrow I am working in my Mam's home town so I shall see her after I finish. I need to drop my niece's birthday present in to her as i shall not see my niece until Xmas day. She is the first of a series of birthdays in my family.

Makes it difficult getting presents for both. My inspiration is not that good!

So, time for bed , until tomorrow.


Bridget

More festivities

Today was monthly department meeting today and it was my turn to chair it. That is a job I detest! The nature of my work means that we are all prima donnas and enjoy the sound of our own voices. This makes keeping to time nigh on impossible. We had a good reason to try and be timely today though. It was our Xmas party day. We went bowling, (guess who lost!) and then went out for dinner.

So now I sit here feeling very fat and garlicy. It was quite a good day though.

I have not heard from Coffee Man at all today, but as I have not text him I cannot complain. I shall text him shortly to say goodnight though.

Tomorrow I have a little work to do in the morning at head office then I shall take a leisurely drive home and call in on Bluewater to do some Xmas shopping. I need to get it finished.

So, an early night beckons.

Another day on the roads

I left home early this morning ready for a 9:30 meeting 200 miles away, unfortunately due to accidents and weather conditions I was 2 hours late. Oops!

Despite that the meeting went well. I then continued the journey up north for another hour and landed at the hotel 12 hours after leaving home. That's a total of 7.5 hours on the road. And I wonder why I hate driving!

This evening I plan a quiet night catching up with my e-mails and old friends. I should be studying but I have been so very tired all day I don't think it would be worthwhile.

I'm feeling relatively placid most of the time at the minute. The worst is over. I haven't forgotten the baby, but, as happened last time, after the due date things are not so hormonal. I still feel so very very sad, but the desperation of needing SR is not so strong.

I feel dreadful that I can still think in those terms now I am seeing a lovely guy. Coffee Man is everything SR wasn't. He is steady and stable, well liked by a range of people. He doesn't sleaze over other women when we are out. His mates are enthusiastic about us. SR had only a couple of friends who were very guarded, but perhaps that was because they saw a different girl on his arm everytime and had to be secretive? I am growing very very fond of Coffee Man and he has plans to introduce me to his daughter, possibly next weekend depending on the arrangements with his ex. He needs to swap some work shifts around.

I am scared though. Scared of falling for him, that is why when I talk to the Dutch guy I get a buzz. I also need to confess that the person in a previous blog who turned the guy down was me. I told him yesterday about Coffee Man and he was very upset and angry. Life is so very complicated!

A tired and lazy day

The party was lovely. I met all his friends and they were so welcoming it was really special. We had a fantastic meal, the conversation was lively, then we danced and sang and enjoyed the evening. It felt as if I had known everyone for years the way they accepted me into the group.

We got back to his at 3am and crashed out. I still managed to get to the gym this morning. Since coming home I have done some laundry and tidied up a little. But that was all!


Tomorrow I am back on my travels, heading north again so I need to get an early night. I still have the warm fuzzy feeling to keep me warm though.

Good night

Bridget

Early post

Well I thought I would write early as it is the day of Coffee Man's work's Xmas party. I'm feeling nervous and excited and I need to get ready!

I spent the morning studying and talking to a friend I fear he is about to make a mistake. He is infatuated with a girl who has told him she does not feel the same way. He has been chatting to another girl (in Canada) on the internet who he is now going to visit in January and he is planning on starting a relationship with her, despite the fact that he is still obsessed with this other woman. Rebound or what. The problem is this other woman in Canada is equally obsessed with him and although they have never met and only been talking for 2 months she wants to wear his collar. I have visions of a lot of heartache ahead for both of them.

But what can I say or do, I have tried to gently suggest that he takes it slowly for both of their sakes but it's a case of if he can't have the woman he wants he will throw himself into this other one. He has never lived or experienced the BDSM lifestyle, he has an interest though, she has lived the lifestyle for years. Everything is just ringing alarm bells with me. Well, if he needs a friend I will always be here for him.

Anyway, time for me to go and get ready, until tomorrow,

Bridget

School day

Today was the last modular day of my course, the year has gone so quickly. It's downhill to the exams now. Being the last modular day we also had a test this afternoon. I didn't feel my presentation went well. I was hesitant and my mind couldn't summon up the right words.

I have had a bad headache all day and I couldn't think straight. I will know the result in January. Too late to worry now. I did the best I could on the day.

We had the college Xmas dinner afterwards which was lovely. I decided to not go on to a club afterwards though. I made my excuses and left.

I spent the night trying to get my brain straight last night. I've spent the 6 months since I lost the baby thinking 'he would be due in x no of weeks/days' etc. I need to go forwards now. The time has past. Yes, I am still mourning, I still grieve for the loss of my first baby. They will both always be part of who I am. The chapter is closed.

So, tomorrow, I shall be up early and be positive. I shall start my last assignment. I have another Xmas party tomorrow night with Coffee Man. I shall be happy and festive. The pain I am feeling right now will be a memory but not so sharp and with each passing day it will get less.

I will not let SR crush my spirit or my soul. People come into your life for a reason , a season or a lifetime. I cannot see a reason, therefore he was a season. A phase. An era that has passed. I must learn from it and move on.

A very hard day

Well it finally came round. D Day. The day my baby was due. I have been on the edge of emotions all day. I tried really really hard to concentrate at work, and failed. I admit it, I text SR. I reminded him of the significance of the day and his reply was???? Well, I'm still waiting. He does not give a shit. The man who always goes on about the fact that the kids are the most important thing in his life (yeah right - well maybe they are at this age as he likes making a play for their 15 year old buddies) That was possibly the wrong thing to say but it's true. He took his daughters and a 15 year old friend to Egypt and played in the pool with the friend putting ice cubes in her bikini bottoms. Is that what you would expect of your daughter's friend's father? Even now he has loads of photos of her on his phone. So, I suppose the death of a foetus is of very little significance to him. He wanted me to abort anyway. When the baby died he said he was 'relieved'. Why the hell did I expect any sympathy from him? Why did I expect him to feel anything at all, let alone the emotions charging through my body at the minute. This may sound stupid because of the way things have developed between up but I would have given anything for him to just hold me and tell me he understood and was upset about the baby too. Is that too much to ask? I guess it is.

And so to bed.

Global Warming or Safety Warning

Today it took me 3.5 hours to drive 70 miles to my venue. This got me thinking about pollution. Now, I'm not normally this ecologically minded, but today it seemed like such a waste. It usually takes me 2 hours to do this trip, so assuming a clear run home, I was driving for 5.5 hours for a 3 hour meeting. There has to be a better way. I suppose it's not just the environmental cost that has got me thinking, the reason for the delay was a very serious accident. There is going to be a family somewhere who has just had their festive season shaken apart at the seams.

This thought has plagued me more and more recently. I drive around 40,000 miles a year. Each time I venture off on a trip, there is a delay somewhere for an accident. Who would know if I had an accident, there is nobody at home who would worry if I was late. My mobile has loads of numbers in it but nobody who would be identified as the person who would need to be contacted. Am I just being morbid?

People drive as though their lives will end if they do not get somewhere quicker than the rest. There is a complete lack of consideration, people just barge others out of the way and complain when others do the same to them. Then they wonder how these terrible accidents happen, but do we not all have a part to play? These people that are in their way are somebody's brother or mother or father or lover. Should we not drive as though these other road users are the people closest to us in our lives? Would that reduce the death toll? Yes some people drive badly, but some people cook badly, if a friend offered us a badly cooked meal but it was the best they could do would we swear and shake our fists at them? Or just smile to ourselves and accommodate them?

So to the family today who have lost a loved one, I send my heartfelt condolences, and pray that my mother will not receive that same call from a policeman one day.

Mixed emotions

Today was just one of those days. I had pc trouble at work and ended up resending 277 individual e-mails owing to a faulty PDF file. That took me forever and the work was stacking up. All of which have ASAP deadlines if not sooner.

However, this afternoon, a problem I have been trying to resolve fell into place and when I tested the solution it worked! Yippee. So the day was not a complete loss.

Bad news was I put on a pound over the last couple of days so I need to try and get that off.

I'm getting an early night tonight as I have an early start in the morning.

Still feeling emotionally wrecked and not looking forward to Thursday.

Totally Fugazi!!

Short meeting - long day

Well, I managed to come home today despite the meeting generating loads of extra work.

My boss was being a pain. He wanted a piece of work doing in one format, then changed his mind and expected 2 weeks work to be redone in 2 hours. It's done to a fashion. I'm just getting so tetchy so quickly. I need to get back to happy me and soon.

The Dutchman rang me on the way home so that cheered me up a little whilst I was parked on the M25. He has such a silly sense of humour.

Meanwhile I am awaiting the dress code from Coffee Man for his Xmas party. Why do men just think that 'anything will do'. So if I wore a posh party frock and everyone else is in jeans or vice versa I would feel like a right plum!

I have lots of study to do tomorrow, I have an assessment this Friday. I'm already getting nervous.

Time for bed

Made it to the hotel, the drive was awful, visibility on the roads was poor. Gale force winds and torrential rain.

Hopefully I can get home tomorrow, I've checked in for 2 days but I'm hoping 1 will do.

I've just spoken to the Coffee Man, I'm feeling a little more relaxed than I was. Still got a maelstrom of emotions kicking around though. Still tearful. Heard an old song on the radio as I drove up and for no reason I was in tears. It's not a song that was connected with a person or a place. It was around in the 80s when I was a teenager but no reason for me to be so upset.

I was driving at 70 mph sobbing my heart out. I need to get this under control. So, time for an early bath and bed.

Sunday morning

Well Sunday has arrived and I don't know how I feel.

Friday night went well and I didn't poison him. Yesterday I met most of his friends as we helped put another friend with a major DIY project. I seemed to get on ok with them and it means I won't have as many new people to meet at his Xmas do. But I awoke this morning feeling really odd.

He is very nice and caring but he is smothering me a little. I don't want to lose sight of who I am whilst I'm in the process of trying to remember who I am. Does that make sense?

I have to drive 200 miles north for work this afternoon, I suppose that will give me time to think.

TGI Friday!

The weekend has arrived, is it my imagination or are the weeks getting longer?

I've just got home, marinaded the meat, prepared the vegetables and we're ready to go when Coffee Man gets here. I chose sweet and sour beef as he will never know if it's supposed to look/taste like that - cunning huh?

Dessert is simple, strawberries and cream.

So now it's time for me to attempt to look beautiful. I have a deep bubbly bath running, and an hour to spare,

Wish me luck

Bridget
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