The Anti-climax

Well, that's it for another year.

Xmas was ok, it was busy, lovely to catch up with everyone, but I came home today with that sigh of relief that follows a few days with the family.

SR never did contact. After all we went through, after everytime I ran around after him, every appointment I cancelled because he had a crisis that needed dealing with, and not even a 'Happy Xmas' from him. I wasn't expecting gushing apologies or anything like that, but just to know that I had featured in his memory for a brief second would have been good.

Should I still be feeling like this? Is it the lack of closure? The fact that everything erupted so suddenly and ended without a trace? All I do know is that even when I was having fun with the family and Coffee Man he was on my mind. Naturally there were references made by the family, comments on how much they disliked him. As far as they are aware we split in March, and just remained friends, they don't know we got back together in September. They disliked him so much I never was able to tell them. Least of all the relationship we had. My family would never understand the Lifestyle.

So, I smiled and laughed. Played with the kids like a good aunty should. Watched the clock- tick tock tick tock, interminable.

I am so selfish, there are people who would give their eye-teeth for a family like mine and here I am wishing the time away. I love them so much and I would be distraught if anything were to happen to them, but it is all so raw at the moment. My ex-husband has a brand new baby grandson, he would have been born about the time my son should have, everything is just triggering these feelings at the minute.

I left Coffee Man's at 11am and came home and studied. I have nearly finished the assignment, just the bibliography and appendix to do. Have a read through in daylight and make sure it is in English.

Now I am sat here, home alone wishing I was with friends but glad that I'm not. Does that make sense? I have a friend who would understand (I think) but he is out of the country with his family. I so wish he was here just to give me a hug and tell me it will all be ok. He understands all aspects of my life. The strict upbringing, the sense of humour, the Lifestyle, the essence of me really. I don't know how he got so wise, but he is so non-judgmental. He would just hold me, let me bawl my eyes out, tell me off for being so stupid, make me laugh and drink coffee. Lots of coffee.

I text Coffee Man 2 hours ago to say I had finished my work for the day but he has not replied. Have I upset him too? I am so paranoid it is stupid.