It's been a while.....

Have you noticed that when you hit the real low points in your life music takes on a new meaning, you have a heightened awareness of what the artist was thinking or feeling when he penned particular lyrics. It's been a while, (laughs softly) as I typed it a song came to mind that I had to play. It was one of those one hit wonders from 2001 that on the strength of a single song I bought the album but the album only emerges when in that sad melancholy frame of mind.

"It's been a while, since I could hold my head up high, it's been a while, since I first saw you, it's been a while since I could stand on my own two feet again, and it's been a while since I could call you."

"It's been a while since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do..."

See music matches the mood. The other one that has had a hammering this year is Damien Rice. "Cheers darlin" has a resonance beyond prior imagination.

So,2008, what has it brought? Well, E has returned to the ex wife and the family home and I am but a distant memory. He still texts but.... no just... but.

It's been a roller coaster of emotion and I feel guilty for immersing myself once more in misery, albeit in private, you see the nature of our relationship was never really public, so I guess on the one hand I have saved myself the pity of people knowing that life has been inverted once more, on the other I have nobody to understand and comfort me.

My boss must love the disaster that is my private life, when it goes wrong which is not infrequent he gets a totally committed employee, working 80 90 hours a week and more, concentrating hard in order to shut out the pain.

I feel selfish and guilty too though, my friend's father is dying and I'm trying so hard to be there and be supportive but I feel somehow detached. It's like astral projection, I almost feel as if I am watching myself go through the motions in life as an interested observer, not exactly feeling but showing the pretence of compassion.

I'll not lie, I've sat there with the pills and contemplated taking them, it's like how many times do I have to go through this, destined to live life without someone by my side, someone to come home to. I feel like I'm being punished but I don't know what my crime is. As if I am really a horrendously awful person, because all of these people I see as being mean and cruel or heartless all have happy home lives. Ergo I must be the awful one.

Self pity is an awful thing....tomorrow will be better.