Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to one and all!

A Christmas Wish

Now, obviously, world peace and an end to all suffering is top of the real list but I thought I would compile a just for fun list to aid my shattered love life...

Dear Santa,

Please may I have a man to appreciate my stockings, can he be:

Tall
Blond
Have a quirky smile
A big nose - I don't know I just do!!!
Be rugged
Be assertive
Be over 35....
Be under 60...
Be genuine
Be honest
Be able to be taken home to my parents
Be interesting
Have lived a life
Have no baggage!
Have the capacity to love and be loved
Be tender
Be accepting of my life
Be caring

Have I missed anything?

Hmm, I don't think he exists, maybe I should keep believing in Santa....

Another one bites the dust....wanted a real man!

We went away for the weekend, I was home by midday Sunday.

I can't deal with a man who can't even decide whether he wants tea or coffee without me choosing. For the whole weekend I have asked 'what would you like to do?' The weekend was supposed to be a treat for his birthday. Every time I asked he said ' I don't know' what do you think?

I took him away to a beautiful part of the country, it's near the sea, near an area of outstanding natural beauty, near a bustling city, near an old medieval city, so many choices, galleries, theatres, museums, wildlife, zoos, country walks, river walks, and yet he still said...it's a bit limited.

Is there no such thing as real men any more? Are they so emasculated that they cannot just be anymore?

Sighs sadly..........

Snuffle!

And now I have a cold! Grump!

Emotionally retarded

I was listening to this song on the radio today, it's an old one I've known all my life, and it served to remind me how emotionally retarded I am.

I'm still dating but can feel myself pulling back, finding reasons to bolt, running scared

If You Could Read My Mind

If you could read my mind love
What a tale my thoughts could tell.

Just like an old time movie'
Bout a ghost from a wishing well.
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet.
You know that ghost is me.

And I will never be set free
As long as I'm a ghost that you can't see.

If I could read your mind love
What a tale your thoughts could tell.

Just like a paper back novel
The kind the drugstores sell.
Then you reached the part
Where the heartaches come
The hero would be me.
But heros often fail

And you won't read that book again
Because the ending 's just too hard to take!

I'd walk away like a movie star
Who gets burned in a three way script.
Enter number two:
A movie queen to play the scene
Of bringing all the good things out of me.

But for now love let's be real;

I never thought I could feel this way
And I've got to say that I just don't get it.

I don't know where we went wrong
But the feelin's gone
And I just can't get it back.

If you could read my mind love
What a tale my thoughts could tell.
Just like an old time movie
'Bout a ghost from a wishing well.
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet.

But stories always end
And if you read between the lines
You'd know that I'm just
Tryin' to understand the feelin's that you (I) lack.

I never thought I could feel this way
And I've got to say that I just don't get it.
I don't know where we went wrong
But the feelin's gone
And I just can't get it back!

Freedom

Well, at last the exams are over, so providing I passed that's it. I just have to wait for the results now in 10 weeks time. How can it take so long to mark? I know that there were 14 sides of handwritten A4 (my hand hurts!) but even so, that's like 1 and a quarter a week (ish)!

So, apart from the dissertation which I will try and do as much at work as I can, my free time is now just that....freeeeeeeeeeeeee! Yippee!!!!!

Things are going well on the dating front too, we are going away for a few days next week so wish me luck!

Right, time to do the housework, so much for free time eh?

Saturday night!

Well, owing to a change of plans, number 5 was preceded by number 4.5. This lasted all night after an innocent invitation to 'coffee' after he walked me home....

He makes me smile, he has a twinkle in his eye and doesn't give a jot about the lumpy bits that wobble.

Time for a gallon of coffee and some revision!

Number 5

Still going strong...... Roll on Monday

First flush of lust....

What's that song..."I could have danced all night, ....." well, date number three went really rather well, I think I need a fourth though just to check....have to make that Thursday.....

I could have danced all night
I could have danced all night
And still have begged for more
I could have spread my wings
And done a thousand things
I'd never ever done before
I'll never know what made it so exciting
But all at once my heart took flight
I only know when he began to dance with me
I could have danced, danced, danced, danced, danced, danced
Bed? I couldn't go to bed
My head's too light to try to settle down
Sleep? I couldn't sleep tonight
Not for all the jewels in the crown!
I'll never know what made it so exciting
But all at once my heart took flight
I only know when he began to dance with me
I could have danced, danced, danced, danced all night

Ok Ok I know, it's lust and it will fade but it's great whilst it lasts, reality will kick in soon enough!

A date!

Ooooh a potential hopeful one! It's late and I'm heading to bed but suffice it to say part 2 is Friday night! He has already text me to say he had a good evening and he is looking forward to Friday!

Watch this space!

Operation Stack!

I hate it I hate it I hate it!!!!

Why is it that when I have been working away, I'm tired and grouchy and just want to get back to the convent, something happens to make Operation Stack be put in place so I can't get back?

Grumps off t make a cup of tea.....

So what are the entry requirements for entering a convent?

Well the hunk of love that was advertised and who had e-mailed me was actually Mr Bean, with a clammy handshake and a good line in running tales....

Never has 45 minutes seemed so long!

He was older than his picture, in fact I'm not even sure the picture was him...

He wouldn't decide if he wanted coffee or a cold drink until I chose, nor would he decide where to sit until I did..... every opinion I had he agreed with....even when I started espousing some really odd ideas just to see if he agreed.....he did!

So nope....not the love of my life?

Friends....? Who'd have them?

For my birthday, a couple of friend from college decided to set me up on an internet dating site.The type where they as 'friends' try to sell you by listing all your good points! I've only just got the courage to tell all.

I have been out on 3 'dates' so far.

• 1) was a smoker, pretending he wasn't, arrogant, chauvinistic, and a total bore
• 2) was quite nice but a bit of a chav...(urbandictionary.com has a good description) I got told off for turning this one down as he is rich, good looking, got a great job, car the works, but he was a chav and I am a snob!
• 3) likes cats, I know I like cats but they are not my sole conversation piece. He was definitely the type that you would open a cupboard door and expect to see his mother who had passed away 5 years previously perfectly preserved.

So it has been a busy couple of weeks. Date number 4 is tomorrow. Watch this space, I shall try to keep you up to speed. I am not expecting to meet the man of my dreams, after all the lifestyle I prefer is not exactly common, but in this sleepy part of the world the chances of SuperDom walking into my life are decidedly slim.

Just for information, tomorrow's is an accountant, non-smoker, no kids, claims to be good looking! Let's see what turns up!

Books...the post script

I forgot to mention...why so much Dickens on the list and Thomas Hardy, boy did I hate having to read them at school, what were they trying to do, prevent us all from picking up literature as an adult?

Secondary Pinching!

Pinched from "This girl"
“Someone” reckons that the average adult has only read 6 of the top 100 books they’ve printed. It’s not the Big Read though — they don’t publish books, and they’ve only featured these books so far.
In any event . . .1) Look at the list and bold those you have read.2) Italicize those you started but did not finish.3) Underline the books you LOVE.4) Reprint this list in your own blog so we can try and track down these people who’ve read 6 or less and force books upon them.

1. The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
2. The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
3. The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood
4. Lord of the Flies - William Golding
5. Life of Pi - Yann Martel
6. The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
7. The Color Purple - Alice Walker
8. Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
9. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
10. To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee
11. Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
12. Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
13. His Dark Materials (trilogy) - Philip Pullman
14. Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
15. Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
16. The Hobbit - J.R.R. Tolkien
17. Catcher in the Rye - J.D. Salinger
18. Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
19. Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
20. Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
21. Chronicles of Narnia - C.S. Lewis
22. The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe – C.S. Lewis
23. Winnie the Pooh - A.A. Milne
24. Animal Farm - George Orwell
25. Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
26. Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
27. On The Road - Jack Kerouac
28. Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
29. Charlotte’s Web - E.B. White
30. Hamlet - William Shakespeare
31. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl
32. Complete Works of Shakespeare
33. Ulysses - James Joyce
34. Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
35. Les Miserables - Victor Hugo
36. Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
37. The Bible
38. The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald
39. War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
40. Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
41. Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
42. The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
43. One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44. Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
45. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
46. Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
47. The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
48. A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
49. The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien
50. Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
51. Little Women - Louisa M. Alcott
52. Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
53. Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier
54. Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
55. Middlemarch - George Eliot
56. Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
57. Bleak House - Charles Dickens
58. The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
59. David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
60. Emma - Jane Austen
61. Persuasion - Jane Austen
62. Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
63. Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
64. The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
65. A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
66. The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
67. Anne of Green Gables – L.M. Montgomery
68. Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
69. Atonement - Ian McEwan
70. Dune - Frank Herbert
71. Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
72. A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
73. The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
74. A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
75. Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
76. The Secret History - Donna Tartt
77. The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
78. Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
79. Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
80. Bridget Jones’ Diary - Helen Fielding
81. Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
82. Moby Dick - Herman Melville
83. Dracula - Bram Stoker
84. Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
85. The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
86. Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
87. Germinal - Emile Zola
88. Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
89. Possession - A.S. Byatt
90. A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
91. Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
92. The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
93. Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
94. A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
95. The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
96. The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
97. The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
98. Watership Down – Richard Adams
99. A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
100. The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas

Responses!

Grins...In answer to Rosie's comment.

Yes it stopped raining, we have sunshine!
Yes I'm still tired...working far too hard!
Still curious about sultanas,
Given up on TV,
It's Wednesday, not bored but not engaged with life either,
I did roast chicken, loads of vegetables, Yorkshire puddings etc with lemon torte for dessert,
and men...just MEN! sighs

Random thoughts...

Saw the Welshman yesterday....sighs

Will it ever stop raining?

Why am I so tired?

How many calories in sultanas?

Do I want another cup of tea?

Why is there nothing on TV?

Why is my life so boring that I am wondering why there is nothing on TV on a Friday night?

What shall I cook my parents for dinner on Sunday...

Why does the Welshman blow hot and cold?

Warning...Bridget Jones Anti-man post!!!!!

It has taken me 30 odd years to realise what this song I used to sing actually means. Why the hell did nobody say listen to the words!!! Some wise woman there obviously sank it into young girl's consciousness so that it cascaded down the ages, hundreds of years later it still rings true All men are......well you know!

Soldier, soldier won't you marry me
With your musket, fife and drum
Oh no sweet girl I cannot marry you
For I have no coat to put on

So off she went to her grandfathers chest
And she brought him a coat of the very very best
And the soldier put it on

Soldier, soldier won't you marry me
With your musket, fife and drum
Oh no sweet girl I cannot marry you
For I have no shoes to put on

So off she went to her grandfathers chest
And she brought him some shoes of the very very best
And the soldier put them on

Soldier, soldier won't you marry me
With your musket, fife and drum
Oh no sweet girl I cannot marry you
For I have no hat to put on

So off she went to her grandfathers chest
And she brought him a hat of the very very best
And the soldier put it on

Soldier, soldier won't you marry me
With your musket, fife and drum
Oh no sweet girl I cannot marry you
For I have a wife at home

Strange....

I just realised a strange coincidence, exactly one month after I had my strange dream, an aerobatic plane crash landed less than 15 minutes flying time away from where I dreamed it had.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/7420968.stm


Remind me to dream of fluffy pink bunnies next time....

More dreams

I am acting as a tour guide for friends but I don't know them, we are in London. It's busy...so very very busy. They see the glowing statues on the top of a building but it is obscured by people and buildings. We go around so that they can see the Tate Gallery, it is covered in scaffolding and tarpaulins and builders like little ants climbing all over it. It is 11.30 in the morning and the whole area is a bomb site. Literally. Like giant moles have tunnelled under streets and grass alike. I watch a small aircraft doing aerobatics but he is low, too low, he vanishes and I run to make sure he comes up again but nothing. I am on a bridge looking down at the Thames, the water level must be 100feet below but the riverbed is empty. It is just like a stream of muddy puddles. I guess that the aircraft must be there somewhere but I can't see it. The whole area is chaos, I don't know what happened but there was something major. London has been decimated completely.

And then I woke...

The Happening pt 3

Well, a good news post at last. In the summer of last year I met someone who made me turn to jelly, a D personality that resounded and every contact left me shaking. Even at the time rereading my blog, the way He makes me feel has not changed. Well this week I am working from the Welsh office and bumped into Him again. We got chatting, He asked leading questions about my domestic circumstances, my replies demonstrated I was obviously solo.

We chatted some more about everything but work, He dropped in an as I'm a single man if I want to ride my motorbike and buy a new one at the drop of a hat I can. I did the discreet, 'oh, I thought you had a gf' bit to which He replied no....

We chatted on and He flirted outrageously, showed me His new slimline figure, said He is happy as long as His head gets stroked (sounds daft now but at the time..well yanno) and asked who would fancy a bald, ugly bloke.

For the past year, no matter where our paths have crossed (and even when I was with E, ) He has made me tremble...

When He walked into the office I was using this morning (not one He has any reason to use) He came straight over, I was with 2 female colleagues, but He came straight over to me and said good morning, gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and said jokingly He had to start the day with a cuddle. (He didn't do this to either of my colleagues)

I don't know what to think...

Answer on a postcard please....

Doing FINE

A perceptive friend gave me this definition of what someone really means when they say "it's ok I'm fine"

F ucked up
I nsecure
N eurotic
E motional

Damn her!

Tired

I don't know if it is because of broken sleep or if I'm just working too hard right no but I am so darn tired.

I've been keeping up the chirpy alway happy to help out persona for months now hoping nobody will notice that it is just an empty shell and the essence of me that used to be there is not present.

Nobody has said anything, I guess the shell is performing adequately, should I be worried? I still feel as if I am in some strange out of body experience, I hear the words that come out of my mouth, see the expressions changing on my face, smiling politely, looking concerned when required, laughing at jokes but I'm not present inside. Ever since E made the decision that He had to go back to look after His daughter and consequently the marital home I have been in this alternate universe where nothing reaches me.

and still more

For someone who either never dreams or at least never remembers them they are coming thick and fast!

2 colleagues are with me, we are supposed to be working together but they go on ahead. The guy we have gone to see tells us that the quickest way to the meeting room is via the wall cavities (about 3 foot wide and rocky) I am wearing heels and carrying equipment and struggling so I call the other 2. They begrudgingly came back and took some of it and then scootled off again together leaving me behind. I have to navigate a steep slope in my heels and carrying a box. The cavity has loads of twists and turns and I lose my bearings. I see a gap in the wall and an Indian man is there I call out to him but he can't hear me at first. Eventually I attract his attention and ask him the way as my colleagues have gone. He points the way out and I continue my ascent, that was the point I woke up with the alarm. I was still annoyed with my 2 colleagues (they are like that in real life too)

It seems really strange why my dream activity is so intense and memorable and just so real right now.

Still dreaming

I was living in a large warehouse, full of tall racking and narrow aisles. I'm expecting a visitor and wearing a dressing gown, the door bell rings...I rush to answer it, I bounce to the door and answer it with a wide smile but the visitor is not who I am expecting, a strange man is there..I would recognise him again, he had very distinctive features, he pushes past me and I am powerless to stop him and then I wake...

Easter

For the last 2 nights I have had strange dreams, I can't make sense of them.

There is some kind of conflict where people are thrown together, SR's child is there but tiny, (if it is one of his daughter's they are much younger than they are currently, the other option is it is the child I miscarried, the age would be right.) SR's partner is there but it is not L (the witch). I can't see her. I am standing at a sink between 2 beds trying to brush my teeth but the first brush I pick up is dirty. I reach for the other which is recognisably mine.

As I start to brush my teeth SR approaches me from behind and just holds me. I feel safe. I turn to see the child pulling at the unit at the side of the room and balanced on the top is the most huge personal stereo in the world, I try to call out to stop the child getting crushed.

I can feel the presence of a lot of other people but I can't see them, the only ones I am aware of are SR and the child.

I've not consciously thought of SR in a while but this keeps recurring...

It's been a while.....

Have you noticed that when you hit the real low points in your life music takes on a new meaning, you have a heightened awareness of what the artist was thinking or feeling when he penned particular lyrics. It's been a while, (laughs softly) as I typed it a song came to mind that I had to play. It was one of those one hit wonders from 2001 that on the strength of a single song I bought the album but the album only emerges when in that sad melancholy frame of mind.

"It's been a while, since I could hold my head up high, it's been a while, since I first saw you, it's been a while since I could stand on my own two feet again, and it's been a while since I could call you."

"It's been a while since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do..."

See music matches the mood. The other one that has had a hammering this year is Damien Rice. "Cheers darlin" has a resonance beyond prior imagination.

So,2008, what has it brought? Well, E has returned to the ex wife and the family home and I am but a distant memory. He still texts but.... no just... but.

It's been a roller coaster of emotion and I feel guilty for immersing myself once more in misery, albeit in private, you see the nature of our relationship was never really public, so I guess on the one hand I have saved myself the pity of people knowing that life has been inverted once more, on the other I have nobody to understand and comfort me.

My boss must love the disaster that is my private life, when it goes wrong which is not infrequent he gets a totally committed employee, working 80 90 hours a week and more, concentrating hard in order to shut out the pain.

I feel selfish and guilty too though, my friend's father is dying and I'm trying so hard to be there and be supportive but I feel somehow detached. It's like astral projection, I almost feel as if I am watching myself go through the motions in life as an interested observer, not exactly feeling but showing the pretence of compassion.

I'll not lie, I've sat there with the pills and contemplated taking them, it's like how many times do I have to go through this, destined to live life without someone by my side, someone to come home to. I feel like I'm being punished but I don't know what my crime is. As if I am really a horrendously awful person, because all of these people I see as being mean and cruel or heartless all have happy home lives. Ergo I must be the awful one.

Self pity is an awful thing....tomorrow will be better.

The calm after the storm

Well Christmas and new year now seem like distant memories. They went in a whirl of family stuff. Did the traditional 'single daughter' thing over the festivities with the family. They never mention it but you can always see the equilibrium upset. The animals go by 2 by 2 and then oh, here comes the single daughter. The family don't know about E, so all I get are the pitying looks and , well, patronising comments I suppose. There were a few questioning looks as my phone beeped regularly though the day.

E is away right now, he has family connections 200 miles away that will keep him there for a while so I'm feeling a little lost. Strange huh?

We are talking daily, texting hourly, MSNing in between and I'm still missing him.

I've been working hard at college, more exams coming up soon and he is being exceptionally supportive. The weight which was starting to come off has come back on. I feel upside down and back to front and round the wrong way.

I'm not sure if he is going to be able to come back home, things are a little complicated and his youngest needs him.

Only time will tell.