Got an owie!

The weather was quite blustery this morning and as I loaded up the car the boot lid came down and hit me on the forehead :-(

I've already got a bruise formed, it's a good job I have a fringe!

So now I'm sat here listening to Olivia NJ's 'hopelessly devoted to you', Abba's 'one of us', Air Supply's 'all out of love' not to mention Damien Rice's 'cheer's darling' see what a bump on the head does to you?

I'm feeling guilty for my arseholes to the lot of em statement, in case something has indeed happened so just in case.

JB, Ik hou heel veel van je en mis je ontzettend

(hopefully I got the spelling right...I took it from an old text)

Tuesday

Still tired!

I was up and on the road early, did a presentation then straight to the gym. Up until yesterday, this month I have burned the equivalent of 99 apples in cardio and lifted 24 elephants. Not bad huh?

Did another 400 calories and 4536 kgs today.

I will get fit, the weight is not shifting though, what more can I do? Any suggestions?

Not a peep out of Dutchman or Coffee Man story of my life. I don't care. Arseholes to the lot of em!!!

Saturday

Coffee Man is coming for lunch today........





Well, he came, we had lunch, I admit we both flirted, there were many meaningful looks, we had lunch, he stayed 3 hours, kissed me and left.

I really don't know how I feel or what to do. Am I feeling lonely and clutching at straws? Have I lost all hope of ever hearing from the Dutchman?

I just don't know....

Memory

Do you ever get the feeling you have forgotten something? Something important? I've been like that all day today, just waiting for the you know what to hit the fan because I've missed something....

I had a bit of a catch up day though which was good, my brain is reeling from compiling all the data I need for next week's meeting. If I see one more excel spreadsheet I shall not be responsible for my actions!

I was back at the gym today - day 3 on the trot. And I managed to get my size 12 trousers on (does a happy dance)

Snoozy

I was working in London today but it actually turned out to be quite a short day. I went to the gym, back to the office to finish work then home. For the second day running I came home, sat down for '5 minutes' and woke up half hour later.

I am really really tired at the minute. I'm waking up too early so by now I've had it!

Must be the early morning sunshine - or the seagulls that insist on screeching outside of my open bedroom window......

Still no word from Holland :(

Welcome to the dark side....

I had to smile today, anyone reading this must think I'm a right miserable cow, bordering on manic depressive. One of my colleagues saw me trotting across the precinct from the office window and her first words to me were "you know you are always so cheerful and and got a smile on your face, what's your secret?" if only she knew what a miserable mare I am (giggle)

Reminds me of Rosie's recent enquiry about horoscopes and my comment on schizophrenia - you know I think I was only half joking. Whenever I have been at my lowest in life, and there have been a couple of really dark dark times, friends and particularly work colleagues have never known. I've always managed to hide it behind the little miss sunshine routine.

I can usually fool myself too, the more chirpy and happy I act the more it does rub off. I think I use this as an outlet sometimes just to get rid of the destructive thoughts and gain perspective on the situation.

It's funny in a warped sort of way but I spend some of my free time talking to people who are in despair and contemplating taking their own lives. They never know that I have been there and had it not been for an accident of fate I wouldn't be here now. I've lost count of the flowers and cards that have been sent to the office I work from over the years thanking me for helping them get through. The stories they tell can be so very sad sometimes. It makes you realise the blessings you have in life. It should be me thanking them for showing me that the things that engulf me are petty and small. I am embarrassed sometimes that I am so selfish.

Exhausted!

I was in the gym early this morning and did my full circuit with some increased weight and I stepped up the cardio too, I was absolutely dripping by the time I had finished (nice visual huh?)

I came home and started work here, I laid a 40sq ft patio, restacked the 10 20kg bags of sand I still have left over - ready to lay slabs on the other side of the garden, and mowed the lawn.

Oh I lost one pound too! :)

I've probably put it back on though as I was starving after all that and cooked a Chinese. Less fattening than a takeaway but still not salad!


I'm still thinking about SR, or more truthfully about His current girlfriend, the one He told me would not be around for long. She is there this weekend again. Like she is every weekend.

I suppose I'm feeling lonely, all my friends are hooked up and doing activities with partners and kids, and yes there is an open invitation but I feel the odd one out.

What did I do so wrong that I am still on my own. Even the bastard has her.

shrugs

Back to normal!

The queasiness past and I'm back to normal now, I don't know where that came from.

I had a productve day today, kept getting these flashes of inspiration, the boss loves me now! Keeps me below the parapet a while longer.

I went to the gym and did my circuit and came home and made a mackerel salad. More salad! Yuk!

SR is still playing on my mind, the Dutchman is still missing. Nothing ever changes.

Feeling icky!

That's it really, got a headache and an upset stomach. I never get an upset stomach :(

Too late now

Well, I've just posted the assignment off, I held fire because I wanted to check the cost benefit analysis out, I'm glad I did as I've been able to put more detail in.

I got 75% in the assessment yesterday, still a credit but not as good as last year's. But hey, as long as I pass. I would rather have got higher though. But it was a credit still.

I went to the gym today and half killed myself. It's not doing any good though, I'm eating like an anorexic rabbit and exercising my socks off but still the weight is not coming off.

What more can I do?

One down 3 to go!

I went to the gym again today, two days running, I won't get there tomorrow though as it is my kid brother's birthday so I shall go and see him.

I came back, fell asleep on the sofa, ooops!

On waking - confused and bewildered I cracked on and finished my assignment. I have an assessment tomorrow too :(

I think I'll be winging it.

I'm going to have a chill out evening now, I'm really tired, don't know why?

Still no word from the Dutchman :(

I'm halfway there.....

When I Am Old I Shall Wear Purple

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple

With a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.

And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves

And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.

I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired

And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells

And run my stick along the public railings

And make up for the sobrietry of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain

And pick flowers in other people's gardens

And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat

And eat three pounds of sausages at a go

Or only bread and pickles for a week

And hoard pens and pencils and beer mats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry

And pay our rent and not swear in the street

And set a good example for the children.

We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?

So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised

When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

~Jenny Jacobs ~

Italicized parts are where I am practising now!

Good news / bad news

Well, despite 1500 people in between and his meeting being in another building, I found a certain someone by my desk. As the door is nearby and he had not walked past and when he left he went straight out, would I be wrong to assume he sought me out?

We got chatting, I didn't flirt, although I was accused of 'twinkling' today, but then I had been 'twinkling' since I walked in the door so nobody put 2 and 2 together.

I (subtlely I think) asked how his journey home had been. He had not got back until late either, so I asked if his dinner was ready as he walked in the door, he laughed and said you don't know my gf! Damn damn damn! He then gave me a 'look' and smiled. I blushed.

He then invited me to his site and offered to take me out for lunch. Our areas never collide, there is never a need for my dept to interact with his.

So what was I to do but accept!

He kissed my cheek goodbye (not uncommon within the organisation) and my colleague came over and stated that she didn't realise that we knew each other, (they work together often) I told her that we had only met the day before to which she complained that she never got a kiss goodbye and they'd known each other years.

It is such an odd situation. He has such a D personality and the s in me just bows down to it.

What the hell happened there?????

Ok, an odd post from me but it's been a funny, odd, nice day. there are a couple of things that are needed to explain it though and put it into context.

I have always been a sucker for tall (6'4"ish), blond men. Blue eyed, broad shouldered. Good physique, no face furniture. Within 5 years or so of me in age. I am very predictable and rarely look twice at any other. If I do, then it is tall dark and handsome!!

I wasn't looking forward to the day, I was acting as exec support for a regional manager. Sitting there, smiling, reinforcing what he was saying to his team. I knew I had a 200 mile journey after this long meeting and I knew that it would be my second trip round rush hour London. (It took me 2.5 hours just to get there and then a further 4 to my hotel!)

Now, to just set the scene, my work persona is a million miles to my off duty. I have always worked in a man's world, usually the only woman. I am seen as tough, in control, decisive, authoritative, possibly even authoritarian, I am 100% confident when I speak they shut up and listen, I am (I believe) well respected. If I go into one of the 300 sites and say "please change that" it gets changed. I'm not saying this to puff myself up and I hope it doesn't sound arrogant, it's just the way it is, what I trained for years for. My nickname (so I've heard) is the ice-maiden as they can't get their own way by flirting with me.

So today, I'm prepared for a non too thrilling day.

There was to be a guest speaker, one to whom I have spoken but never met. He works out of the welsh main office.

He greeted me with the standard professional handshake and as he smiled - he looked me in the eyes and I felt nervous.

He is the same grade as me, not senior - no reason at all for this reaction.


He gave his talk, and every time he looked over, I hope I gave the cool professional smile that I reserve for guest speakers.

During the break, he came over to talk to me. In the next 5 minutes I knew his (professional) life story and a few of his hobbies. (We share one) I was almost interviewing him.

I was so darn nervous it is untrue.

The rest of the team went back through to the conference room, he was now leaving so as the regional manager was setting up his presentation, it was only courteous of me to do the formal "thank you and safe journey" part. I proffered my hand for the formal handshake, which he took in both of his, and held, enclosed, for a moment or 10 longer than the normal formal handshake. Nobody has ever done that to me in a professional scenario. I couldn't meet his gaze. Normally I am the queen of eyecontact, yet he held my gaze to the point I had to look down.

He left with a "goodbye lovely"

I was at work, and in work mode. This man had me feeling that I should be kneeling in front of him and waiting for instruction.

I wanted to be kneeling in front of him.

He is about 5'8", with a bit of a belly, and a goatee beard. Late 40s early 50s. Glasses, (doesn't wear them all the time) and tattoos.

So far opposite the type of man that physically attracts me it is untrue! He is however amazingly intelligent and fluent in 5 languages. Ex-special forces. Probably how he commanded my attention?

He is also working from the same building as me tomorrow (so are 1500 other people so I doubt I'll see him)

This does not happen to me at work.

Blimey!


Oh and no word from the Dutchman

I wish I knew!!!

Today was SR's daughter's birthday so I rang to wish her a happy birthday. First time I have spoken to her since the Xmas incident. She seemed to be happy to hear from me?

Long pause


Thoughtful silence


Someone has accessed Dutchman's e-mail as the mail I sent early last month was read. I've sent another asking to know if he is alive or not. Perhaps I shouldn't have??


Confused

Back to work

I had little flashes of inspiration today for my assignment so that is promising - time is running out!

Got chronic PMT, well I think it's PMT, better than saying I'm a miserable cow for no reason.

Went to the gym again today. Three days running again. Yay.

Grump!


God I'm so boring!

Shrugs

Well, Coffee Man, as ever had other priorities crop up so he didn't visit. In all honesty I didn't expect him too. After all I do live 40 odd miles from him and that would involve him putting himself out. It would also take him too far away from his beloved friend.

On a more difficult personal note, instead of texts to the Dutchman bouncing back undelivered after three days, it bounced straight back yesterday. When I rang it the message declared that I had dialled an incorrect number. His phone is now out of service. He's not at home. I can only assume he is in Holland or dead.

I'm hurting pretty bad at this. I've been all 'oh whatever' about the situation. Very much if it's going to happen it will. And yes I know he has done this before but that doesn't make it any easier if in three months time he turns up again. I'm in bits with it all.

I can't get to grips with my uni assignment. It just reads really twee and not enough external references that I can get to fit despite having read tons for it.

What a totally shit weekend, and I know I have so much in my life to be thankful for. But, ... oh I don't know, I need to shake myself out of it.