Wheezing Wednesday

Another very busy day today, my admin support has left the company so I'm trying to do her job and mine whilst arranging to cover 2 colleagues in a 300 mile radius.

The next few months will be hectic I think! Got confirmation that my next round of Uni starts on the 29th May too. Eeeeek!

I was glad to get home tonight, my feet were aching, I took my heels off and could almost feel my feet explode in happiness. Straight upstairs to take my suit off and put something warm and cosy on, heaven.

Not heard from Coffee Man today, he is working nights so I didn't disturb him and he obviously was too busy tiling her floor either before he went to bed or after he woke up to even think of calling me. No doubt he will before bed.

I head north tomorrow so not sure about connections and then I'll be away all weekend (possibly)

My asthma has been playing up all day, I'm hoping it's better by the weekend as I will have problems with his dog if not. His house is dusty too as he is having major renovation work done. Have to wait and see.

Monday

I couldn't get into gear today. I felt so tired and drained. So it's an early night for me tonight.

I tackled a few odds and ends at work but nothing major.

CM has text a few times through the day, he was doing well until he told me he was laying her new kitchen floor. Grrrrrrr

And so to bed

Sunday

Where do I start, last weekend I felt really relaxed and comfortable with him. Now I don't know what to think or feel.

Thursday evening he knew I was upset but left it 4 hours before he rang. I didn't pick up. He then rang my mobile and then text me. He then rang the home phone again. I left it an hour and text him to say that I would drop his things off on Friday, if he was out i would leave them with the builders.

He text back saying we should talk so I bathed and went to bed. He text Friday morning to say that he still wanted me to come for the weekend. I said I wasn't sure.

I didn't leave work until late and when I got to his he was hoe. And guess what. So was she!!! She was at his house as she has loaned him a bed. She then told him to put the kettle on. Whilst he was in the kitchen she asked if we had had a tiff as the atmosphere was frosty. I didn't elaborate to much, she was there for ages.

When she eventually left she whispered that she would leave us alone for a 'team talk'. I'm struggling for words here.

The patronising bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111

Sorry, I looked for a politically correct way of explaining my feelings and couldn't. We sat for a couple of hours and talked. I told him exactly what was troubling me, about how she was always there and he always spoke of her. He explained that over the last few years they had leaned on each other and he found it hard to stop now. I explained that I hated the way he told her everything and he has promised not to. He admitted that he had told her about the current tiff. So her 'detecting a frosty atmosphere' was a load of rubbish. I had done my best to cover it and be light and easy in her presence.

He even told me he loved me, something that is rarely said, indeed never unless I bring up the conversation. He did not realise how upset I was.

I dried my eyes and we went to his friends' who were getting married. It was the first time I had met them. They were so welcoming and friendly towards me.

The wedding yesterday went well and again I was made welcome by his friends and he was very attentive despite his duties as best man. He kept me near all day. Today was finishing off those duties and seeing them all again, taking the presents over and the suits to the hire shop.

I couldn't let him touch me though. I was still too fraught. No doubt I shall be back where I was last week by next week but... oh I don't know......

Am I flogging a dead horse? I believe he does genuinely care but he finds it hard to express his feelings. I find this hard as I get so insecure. History has made me this way and however hard I try to break the Pavlovian conditioning it still lurks there in the back.

Home Sweet Home

Guess what? There was no connection. But then what can you expect from a hotel in the centre of London hmmmm....

Work has been fun in a masochistic sort of way. My colleague who should have been with me yesterday cancelled at the last minute so I ended up monitoring three meetings in three rooms at the same time. The afternoon session that she was going to take (her specialist area not mine) I had to muddle through the best I could. The delegates were great though and we had fun over the two days. I even got an e-mail from one of the guys this morning thanking me as he had learned loads and it was one of the best courses he had ever been on :)

I got lots of texts from Coffee Man, telling me that she was struggling on the course she was taking and don't forget to call her. Today's was can you pick up some bits for when you come over tomorrow and she doesn't think she's passed her exam. That was in response to the question 'do you want me to bring quilts and pillows too or just the sheets and covers?' He never did answer that question, poor lamb, he's just so worried about her!

I decided to check if my phone was actually working, he text back that it was and why was I asking, I responded that as he wasn't answering questions I thought it may not be, he assured me it was and he was just busy. The thing is I am running around sorting stuff out for him as he is best man on Saturday at his mate's wedding, I am (apparently) driving them to the wedding and arranging somewhere for him to sleep tomorrow as Coffee Man has no spare bedding.

If he wants me to do all this he had better start talking, but then as she is coming home and she did fail the exam maybe he won't.

I don't know why I'm feeling so sensitive tonight. Being high maintenance I suppose. He will tell her and she will have a quiet word with me about not being so demanding as he is who he is and will never change, and I remind him of his ex wife when I'm behaving like this.

Maybe it's because she hasn't been around much these last couple of weeks, only at weekends, and I know that she's coming home today. Getting apprehensive.

Anti-climax

Down to earth with a bump. Barely heard from him today as he was spending the afternoon with 'her'

Always happens, just as I think we are getting somewhere she's back on the scene and he drops everything to spend time with her.

I'm working in London all week so I'm not sure what the hotel connection will be so may be back tomorrow, if not Thursday,

Busy few days

This has been quite a frantic week, I've been lax in my blogging. So an update from yesterday as I'm trying to forget the rest of the week.

Coffee Man came over last night and we went to the cinema. Something seemed different last night and I felt at peace in his company for the first time in ages.

The film wasn't much cop, the trailers contained all the good bits and there was none left for the film.

When we got home I teased him about something, can't even remember what, and he tickled me and we ended up just playing like teenagers, my backside got a tanning for being disrespectful and one thing lead to another and well, I got no sleep but have been grinning all day. First time I've felt like this in a while, hopefully that bodes well.

I took my mam out today for a girly day and lunch for Mother's day. We had a really nice time. Found a fantastic Italian in Canterbury. Yummy!

Survived

Well I got through the 2 days with my least favourite colleague. He was a bit of a prat this morning because I turned a video on 17 seconds early!!! But he apologised this afternoon. Then he told a delegate that it was the first time I had run the course so I had done quite well, he didn't mention that I had completely rewritten it from his original! He makes me so cross but I bit my tongue and let him take the credit.

I'm back at the hotel and can chill out tonight as I don't have to prep for tomorrow. So I've ordered a nice dinner and glass of wine.

I thought I would see if I could get a connection and update as I had a moment or three.

Time to flump!

Speed writing!

I'm away from home with a bad connection so I may be missing for a few days. Busy at work so keeping out of mischief and keeping occupied.

Sunday night

The weekend went very quickly. Why is it that 2 weekend days go quicker than 2 work days?

Yesterday I woke early and spent most of the day gardening, I have to admit that I regret that today as I am aching in places I didn't know I had.

Today I went to pilates this morning. It was so funny, the whole class seemed to have done the same as we were all walking stiff and aching badly. There was more giggling going on as we all fell off our balances and failed to maintain the grace and dignity demanded by the exercises. Teacher was despairing of us!

After I left I went to the supermarket to get some fresh veg as Coffee Man was coming for dinner. As I left SR was driving in, he had her and her kids with him. It looked as if he was having a stressy fit in the car. I don't know if he saw me but it gave me a jolt. I still miss him. Well I do and I don't. He was a liar and a cheat. He has treated me abominably. He has a terrible angry streak, uncontrolled rage, the anger management classes he took whilst he was married did not work. My family disliked him. There are so many things that I am glad I don't have to put up with any more, but I can still remember the tender times. Only yesterday I was looking at the plant he bought me, I knew that I couldn't carry the baby to term, and whilst he was still alive inside me we went to the Royal Horticultural Society garden at Wisley. He bought a pair of identical plants, black Acers, very unusual, they were as a memorial I suppose to the baby. We chose them together knowing that the child I carried would be possibly terminated that week. I had been sent home by the doctor to consider the options. It may have come down to my life or the baby's, not both. Anyway I'm straying, the plant is just starting to bud. I was looking at it yesterday as I did the garden. It is coming back to life.

Coffee Man came over, I'm starting to shrink from his touch. He is making plans, there is a wedding we are going to in a fortnight, then another one in June. He watched the rugby whilst I made dinner. I was very conscious of the neighbours each time he cheered when England scored, or his frustration when France did. He complained that I had put too much garlic in the meat. He has just left to go and sort his sister's car out that has broken down. I actually felt relieved. This will sound dreadfully snobby, but sometimes I just long for an intelligent conversation, a debate, a spirited discussion on a topic. There's a guy I chat with on MSN and we often verbally and mentally spar. We have never met and probably never will but I just love our chats. I think it is the Gemini in me. My mind needs stimulation and it is just not getting it.

I had a dream last night, I was kneeling in a corner, I could hear a voice behind me giving me instructions but I don't know who it was. I felt a mixture of love and desire. My hands were bound, He had control. I was at peace and ready to obey instructions. He told me to kiss Him then take Him fully in my mouth until He came. It was definitely not Coffee Man, It may have been SR, it may have been the Dutchman, it may have been an amalgam of both. I awoke feeling very needy. But as ever, I was on my own.

I'm feeling a little trapped at the minute. I started off being more emotionally involved than Coffee Man was and I hated his inability to express any emotion towards me. He still isn't that attentive very often but I'm feeling smothered and unfulfilled. I think where he did not show emotion I have mentally backed off to the point where I am not involved at all now.

Friday!!!!!!!! At last what took it so long!!!!

A weekend off and it is a weekend off too. I have no plans at all. Coffee Man is working all weekend but has invited me to dinner Sunday, no family plans, nothing. Heaven!

How selfish is that?

I had my hair cut today and it looks lovely but feels so short, she has layered it and shaped it so it is lighter and more swingy. I think I may have found a new hairdresser yippee, it's only taken 4 years since I moved.

So I'm going to go and have a glass of wine, a deep bubbly bath and candle and music.

Happy days!

Nearly Friday

Today was a very long day but not bad, Dorset was lovely, the weather was great, the meeting went well, the traffic - well as ok as it gets.

feeling very weary and not quite with it though.

I found out where the Dutchman had gone, his phone had been stolen last week and he had to get a bill to find my number again. After we split last time he went back to Holland so I only had his mobile when he came back. He has now given me home number, new mobile nmber, e-mail, work phone so that we don't lose contact again. I think the reason I was lost for the past few days was because I thought he had done it again. He suddenly upped sticks and went back to Holland 3 years ago. This was after a discussion about commitment and my inability at that point. He just went. it was completely out of the blue when he made contact again.

We had a really deep talk a fortnight ago when I poured out my heart about things with Coffee Man and that was the last time we talked. I thought I had said something wrong and he had bolted again.

He rang when I was driving home. I was beaming like a cheshire cat.

He is not right for me, he is too unreliable, but then so is Coffee Man. I need someone half way between the two, reliable, safe and sensible but with a spark, that certain something that makes you tingle inside, Dutchman gives me that tingle, Coffee Man gives me the security. I can't be the person either of them needs.

I need to be brave and strike out on my own.

Happy Hump Day

Well half way to the weekend. I was working with my least favourite colleague today so I stopped off and go a Chinese on the way home. Bad huh?

He makes me so tense. We really don't get on, we frustrate the hell out of each other.

Still not thought. The Dutchman has gone missing. Spending more time chatting to a friend on here than Coffee Man. Not a good sign. Spending time with everyone but him. Laughing and being carefree until the time comes that either I have to ring him or he rings me.

Tomorrow I'm off to Dorset for the day. Let's hope for good weather!

Still thinking

I had a busy day today trying to combine work with the builders.

still thinking, still confused, he has been attentive today,

Speak of the devil, he's just text and is about to ring

*shrugs*

Who am I?

I had a nudge from someone on here today that has set me thinking. Who am I?

I am daughter, sister, ex-wife (twice), ex-girlfriend (too many to mention), girlfriend, aunty, god-mother many times over, ex -sub, or am I, just because I don't have a Sir in my life at the moment does that make me an ex-sub? hmmm no, and perhaps that is the problem.

I am so many things to so many people but the essence of me is someone who wants to please, so I have all of these relationships where I am trying to please everyone, not always succeeding but leaving myself essentially unfulfilled because I am not pleasing the One. This may sound odd but when Sir was in my life I strove to please Him and only Him. This in turn left me fulfilled and happy. I feel really lost at the minute. When I pleased Him He rewarded me, whether it was with a kind word or a touch or even just a smile and it meant the world to me. I feel at the moment that I am just expected to please everyone and get no recognition at all. God I sound like a spoiled brat. But when I pleased Him it seemed easy to please everone else too. Everyone was happy.

I said that I thought it was time for a break from Coffee Man last week and he said he wanted to try again, but at the moment it feels like the same old same old. I am walking on eggshells emotionally. One minute I'm up one minute I'm down. I need some order in my life. To know my boundaries, where I stand, I thought at one point he was interested in learning more but that has been swept away and not mentioned again. He is a nilla and I know it. He always was and probably always will be. The question is can I go back to that? I lived that life though 2 marriages and only felt like I was me when I was introduced to the lifestyle. With submission came freedom - does that make sense?

I need to make some big decisions. I am in danger of losing me again and I hadn't even realised it.

Home again

I was really really positive on Friday. I was going to work really hard with Coffee Man to put all the stress and problems behind us and it worked until about 6pm.

We decided to go to the pictures, and then he said 'why don't we invite my friend - it's up to you, but she is home this weekend and she's had a heavy week'

Well, put like that I couldn't say no. But we were going to see the film that I have wanted to see for ages so ok. When we got there she queried the film but Coffee Man was firm and said 'no, we are seeing this one'. The pair of them crunched and slurped their way through the film then afterwards said it wasn't really their cup of tea.

We went to a pizza place afterwards as we had not had time for dinner, I felt like a gooseberry. Then I picked up the tab. Coffee Man had paid for the cinema, I paid for their drinks and popcorn). This sounds really churlish and mean and it is not meant that way. Usually whichever of us pays for the film and nibbles - the other does the meal. His friend just took it as read that I would pick up the bills. Not even an offer or a contribution.

Things had been normal on Friday night, we had a great evening, it was loving and sensual. Last night though when we went to bed I could not even bear him to touch me.

I had made the decision to try and make this work but three people in the equation doesn't work. She knew every detail of the row we had had the week before when I told him it was over. Back where I was before.

Slack day

Today was quite a change, for once I wasn't blue arsed flying around. Had a really good , productive meeting and a slow drive home with no traffic jams yay.

I got the laundry sorted, the house tidied, and everything is right with the world.

I am making a real effort with Coffee Man at the moment. Trying to put the neurosis of the last few weeks, out of my mind. He does love me, just can't say it. The past few days he has really been here for me. When I have been stressed out and in tears he has held me and tried to sort the problem out.

Yes, I still love the Dutchman and probably always will, but a different type of love, tinted with the rose coloured spectacles. He is not a stayer. He is not a player either but he will flit in and out of my life hurting me each time he leaves.

Coffee Man is steady and secure. Pedantic, obtuse, dogmatic but he looks out for me.
I need to settle, I'm not a child anymore. The men in my life recently have hurt me a lot. Maybe it's time?