More dreams

I am acting as a tour guide for friends but I don't know them, we are in London. It's busy...so very very busy. They see the glowing statues on the top of a building but it is obscured by people and buildings. We go around so that they can see the Tate Gallery, it is covered in scaffolding and tarpaulins and builders like little ants climbing all over it. It is 11.30 in the morning and the whole area is a bomb site. Literally. Like giant moles have tunnelled under streets and grass alike. I watch a small aircraft doing aerobatics but he is low, too low, he vanishes and I run to make sure he comes up again but nothing. I am on a bridge looking down at the Thames, the water level must be 100feet below but the riverbed is empty. It is just like a stream of muddy puddles. I guess that the aircraft must be there somewhere but I can't see it. The whole area is chaos, I don't know what happened but there was something major. London has been decimated completely.

And then I woke...

The Happening pt 3

Well, a good news post at last. In the summer of last year I met someone who made me turn to jelly, a D personality that resounded and every contact left me shaking. Even at the time rereading my blog, the way He makes me feel has not changed. Well this week I am working from the Welsh office and bumped into Him again. We got chatting, He asked leading questions about my domestic circumstances, my replies demonstrated I was obviously solo.

We chatted some more about everything but work, He dropped in an as I'm a single man if I want to ride my motorbike and buy a new one at the drop of a hat I can. I did the discreet, 'oh, I thought you had a gf' bit to which He replied no....

We chatted on and He flirted outrageously, showed me His new slimline figure, said He is happy as long as His head gets stroked (sounds daft now but at the time..well yanno) and asked who would fancy a bald, ugly bloke.

For the past year, no matter where our paths have crossed (and even when I was with E, ) He has made me tremble...

When He walked into the office I was using this morning (not one He has any reason to use) He came straight over, I was with 2 female colleagues, but He came straight over to me and said good morning, gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and said jokingly He had to start the day with a cuddle. (He didn't do this to either of my colleagues)

I don't know what to think...

Answer on a postcard please....

Doing FINE

A perceptive friend gave me this definition of what someone really means when they say "it's ok I'm fine"

F ucked up
I nsecure
N eurotic
E motional

Damn her!

Tired

I don't know if it is because of broken sleep or if I'm just working too hard right no but I am so darn tired.

I've been keeping up the chirpy alway happy to help out persona for months now hoping nobody will notice that it is just an empty shell and the essence of me that used to be there is not present.

Nobody has said anything, I guess the shell is performing adequately, should I be worried? I still feel as if I am in some strange out of body experience, I hear the words that come out of my mouth, see the expressions changing on my face, smiling politely, looking concerned when required, laughing at jokes but I'm not present inside. Ever since E made the decision that He had to go back to look after His daughter and consequently the marital home I have been in this alternate universe where nothing reaches me.