Am I feeling relieved or cheated?

SR text today to tell me that he had just dropped my stuff with my neighbour. That left me feeling a multitude of things. My god, I hope he was polite, my neighbours are lovely and I would be so embarrassed if he was obnoxious. Then I felt like I was cheated of a chance of closure.

They didn't say anything when I got there so hopefully he was ok.

I sat down to write my evening entry here and the phone rang. It was my old flame checking up on me and saying hello. We were chatting away when he blurted out that he had made a huge mistake when we split up 2 years ago and he wished he could turn the clock back. I adored the guy, he was a crazy Dutchman who always made me laugh. We parted because he had too many family commitments in Holland and had to move back temporarily. However, the last thing I need right now is the complication of a painful split, a budding romance and an old flame reigniting old sparks! Has life always been this complicated?

My day was laughably awful. I was late for work because I was blocked in by the bin wagon. On the walk from the car park to my office my heel snapped so I ended up diverting and buying a new pair of shoes. I went to print a document and the printer started throwing out hieroglyphics uncontrollably and I had to pull the plug to stop it. It took 5 hours to fix the problem. My carrier bag with the eggs in snapped and I have a lovely scrambled mess. I intend going to bed now and waking up when the world is normal!

(Is it safe to come out yet?)

Another sleepless night

I had an early night last night and went straight to sleep but I awoke at 2 and that was it. Everytime I drifted off to sleep I had disturbing images of violence and fear. A friend once told me to visualise my breath as a colour, breathing in cool blue air and breathing out warm pink air. Blowing away the stress and relaxing but it didn't work.

It's funny how it's only now I have these dreams of SR being aggressive and violent towards me. When he was angry and hit me I didn't. I've not seen him now for 22 days and yet he still has the power to fill me with anxiety. He was aggressive the day I told him I was pregnant and although that didn't cause me to lose the baby that was the dream I had. All he did that day was scream at me for being stupid and selfish and how if I chose to have the baby it would be my decision but he would not be around. He screamed so much I ended up in foetal position on the floor just hiding my head, shielding my ears. Yet when it comes to my dream, I am heavily pregnant and he is hitting my head and stomach.

He settled down after that and accepted the situation within a week or so, but on the 5th June I woke in the night in pain and lost the baby. I was alone at home. He was sympathetic but expressed his 'relief'.

So why the dreams? Is it because the baby was so near his due date? Or because I have had to speak to him, or a combination of both. His new girlfriend is still being evil and smug and bragging about how she is so happy and 'won' but my friends have rallied round and the message that is fed back to her is how I am rebuilding my life and am happy and confident. How I wish that was true.

Work is hard at the minute, I'm getting through it and traditionally nobody there knows. I'm professional and efficient, always placid and smiling, coping with the workload without complaint. Showing empathy with those colleagues who are buckling under the stress and doing what I can to counter this for them. What they don't see is that the minute I get my front door closed behind me I'm dissolving and the tears start.

I wish I could go to sleep and wake up to a new world. Was I really so bad in a former life that I deserve this? Am I such a bad person?

Awake all night

Well, I had a bad night, I tossed and turned and when I did sleep my mind was whirring. Thoughts of SR and tension and aggression merged with feelings of falling and being lost and in pain. I woke up at 3.30 and couldn't get back to sleep.

I ploughed through the day, and everything was going wrong. Then he text to say that he wasn't coming over. All that stress for nothing.

I came home and did a couple of hour's study. Coffee Man rang and was his normal lovely self so at least I'm ending the day with a smile although I still have to face SR sometime. My stomach is in knots and I'm dreading next week. I've got a heavy week at work and the thoughts of the baby are getting stronger and stronger. They are not leaving my side at the minute.

I feel so confused and lost.

Contact with SR

I had to speak to him today as he still has something of mine that a member of my family needs to borrow. So I tried to ring him.

He let it go to answerphone, I left it a couple of hours, he cut it off.

He text me to say there was nothing to say and yet I still had not asked him. So, I rang him from a different phone which he answered. He was defensive, shirty but at least he didn't hang up. The outcome is he is dropping it off tomorrow.

I feel quite good though, he tried to bully me on the phone and I was assertive. Let him know that I needed this thing by the weekend, I stated when I would be home to accept it and refused to run to his tune. He wanted me to pick it up when he wasn't there. I have done nothing wrong so I am not going to run around at his whim. He can put himself out for once.

It felt odd talking to him. I was edgy and in charge. I took the Mickey out of him and asked why he was so scared of me that he couldn't pick the phone up. He couldn't answer.

Am I over him? Perhaps. It's feeling good, let's hope that tomorrow I am as confident.

The evening after the night before

Ok, so it didn't quite go as I had planned. I ended up spending much longer with my mam than I had intended. We went Xmas shopping, came home and had lunch. Then she asked me if I would put a colour on her hair for her.

By the time I had done all this it was 4:30 and I was running late. I got to Coffee Man's at 5pm and dinner was nearly ready. So much for cooking together! Ooops!

He is a fantastic cook though and we enjoyed a lovely dinner. I had a decision to make and I made it. I never ever drink alcohol if I'm going to drive, and we shared a bottle of red with dinner.

I don't know if I made the right decision but it was the right decision for the moment. I didn't regret it this morning and neither did he. All I will say is I felt loved and wanted, and special and attractive. I've not felt that way for a long time. I've felt convenient, and used, and grateful that it was my turn. God, how sad and weak that sounds. But it is a long time since I felt special and cherished and beautiful.

I left early as I was collecting a friend to go to our weekly yoga class, and you have those 'what have I done ' moments. Worried, shall I text him or not? Should I call? What will he think of me in the cold light of day, will he think I'm cheap? So, I text him to say thank you for dinner and the lovely evening. I got a cold text back saying it had been great.

So after an hour's fretting I was overjoyed when another text through saying sorry, his mate had just left and he had had a great evening too and he is looking forward to next weekend when we meet up again. There were lots of kisses on the end.

I text him this evening to say have a good night at work and he rang me a few minutes later and we chatted for half an hour. So I'm feeling very relieved and comfortable with the relationship.

So, right or wrong another step has been taken. (oh and he has asked me to go to his works Xmas do too!!)

Still Saturday night?

Just got home - had a fantastic evening, I've not felt this cared for in years and it was really hard to let go this morning.

I've been to the gym and now time to study.

Friday at last

It's been a long week with far too much driving. I know every inch of the M25, I have been parked on it all week and today was no exception.

I had a difficult day at work. I'm usually very patient but the manager today's favourite phrase was 'I'm just playing Devil's Advocate'. I was getting to the stage of just snapping 'I don't care what you are playing. This is the new system, you have to use it so just get on with it and stop whining on and on incessantly. It's not big and it's not clever!!' I never normally feel that annoyed with people. I tried to hide it but I'm not sure how successful I was. I think I'm just tired, a bit drained.

He was demoralising the other trainees too. It was so difficult to get them back up and interested.

Then it took me 2.5 hours to drive the 70 miles home. Perfect end to a perfect day.

So, it's time for a hot bath and bed. I am shopping with my mam tomorrow and then going over to Coffee Man's for dinner. So at least that should be a pleasant day.

Fun day

Well it really was an early start today. The alarm went off at 4am and I struggled to get out of bed at half past. It was cold and dark and raining and the middle of the night. The longest day is next month though, after that the days will get shorter and it's downhill 'til spring. I'm still being optimistic!

I went off to my venue today, another three hours on the M25. I'm considering a caravan and just living on the embankment there. I spend so much time on it. I had a meet with 1 senior and 2 junior managers and the session went well. They learned everything they were supposed to, asked pertinent questions and we booked the next visit. I love it when people are motivated. It makes my life so much easier/nicer. I drove home in half the time it took to get there and did an hour's study.

I rang the coffee man before he went off to work and we had a chat, we are both looking forward to this weekend, he has told his sister about me, is that scary?

I'm now settling down for a quiet evening. I've still not text or spoken to SR. 11 days now with no contact at all. 17 since he last 'spoke' to me. I still get itchy thumbs, wanting to ring or text him but I'm resisting. I got a lot of wise advice from people about how much it would set me back and hurt me more. They were right and I'm trying to thank them for this by following it. I won't pretend it's easy though.

I'm on countdown at the minute though. The baby was due 2 weeks today. I had this with my last miscarriage so I was expecting the feelings to intensify. I keep welling up, thinking of what would have happened had I carried him to term. Everywhere I look there are either pregnant women or new babies. I know I'm paranoid but it's how I feel. This reads really stupidly. I am moving on, making plans, I've met someone nice but suddenly the old feelings just engulf me in pain. Within minutes of the pain hitting though, they are gone, until the next time. There is no warning, I go from bubbly and bouncy and happy to tearful and hurt and back again. An emotional rollercoaster.

I will get through it. I know I will. It will pass.

Bridget
-x-

Tension in the air

We had our monthly meeting today, everyone is so tense. We have loads and loads of work on, in addition two of us are studying for our Masters degree. We had extra workload given, two of the group were unwell so it made for a fiery meeting.

I was in the chair today and I left there feeling tired, grumpy and with a major headache. Then I got stuck on the M25 for three hours. Deep joy!!

Coffee man duly rang and we talked for an hour. He leaves me with a warm glowy feeling. I don't know how to react to my feelings. One part of me says that I'm on the rebound. The other says that this man is different and could well be special. He is tender, genuine, funny, caring, and makes me feel so at ease. I've not felt like this in ages. I was always guarded with SR. Watching what I said. But it is so soon. I need to be careful not to rush in. I need to be careful not to be distant and lose him.

Whatever happens, he is making me smile. That has to be good?

I have a really early start tomorrow so it is time for an early night.

Frosty

Today has been very very cold. I was down on the coast in a hotel that had no heating. I have not warmed up all day and am sat here in a thick jumper and still shivering.

My plans for tonight include a hot chocolate and a hot bath. There'll be candles and music and loads and loads of bubbles.

And warm towels, can't forget them. Maybe that will do the trick and thaw me out.

Tomorrow I am back on the road but coming home to my own bed again. I always sleep better at home. You hear every noise in a hotel on your own. Scary! (or am I just a wuss?)

I did some studying this afternoon when I got home, half a workbook, so I am feeling quite virtuous.

Stops me thinking and nibbling!

The coffee man text me before and promised to ring once his little girl has gone to bed. He has her twice a week. So, an evening to look forward to.

Until tomorrow

Bridget

Monday Monday

Today was quite quiet. Not as good a day as I've been having. My thoughts keep turning to SR. I suppose I still want to resolve those issues. I don't want him back but I hate bitterness and conflict.

Should I try and contact or just leave well alone? I need to make a decision.

This will sound daft, but when we split there was an advert on the TV and the theme tune is an old 1930's song. It was the one my nan always used to sing around the house. I've never heard it anywhere else. Funny how whenever my thoughts turn to SR or coffee man this advert comes on? It's as if she is sitting on her cloud watching me telling me what to do. Or am I just going mad? Come on though, how many people know the song 'let me call you sweetheart' . It seems like a sign!!!

Time for bed. I've lost the plot!

A quiet Sunday

Well, I still woke up smiling!!

I went to the gym and did class first thing before coming home and sweeping up the leaves in the garden. Autumn is a beautiful season but very messy. It was a gorgeous day, sunny and warm (for the time of year), one of those days when you can appreciate life and being alive. I started suffering from depression 5 years and it's something you never completely get over. You go for months without the black clouds hanging over you but sometimes life gets hard and they seep back through. The worst part of it though is you don't see it until you come through the other side.

The light seems to be coming back on. Half of the battle with depression is admitting it. I rarely do. Nobody I work with knows, I'm always the happy, bubbly bouncy one. The one to go to when you have a problem or are sad. If only they knew that there have been days over the last 5 years that I have considered driving my car into a pillar or jumping off a bridge.

It's a hard thing to admit too. I'm still so very sad about the baby. But I think the 'loss' of SR has taken a weight off me. I'm not sitting wondering who he is cybering or worse with. I've accepted he has gone and doing my damnedest to move on. I actually found myself smiling in Tesco this morning, and that never happens. I noticed an old lady smiling at me and realised that I had been smiling at her. Silly things I know but it's my blog and I'll be silly if I want to.

So, tomorrow, I'm going to make everyone think I'm mad by smiling more. It's contagious.

Happy Day

I've just got home from my date with coffee man. I am so happy tonight. I know you may read this and think silly cow she is on the rebound, but it is really refreshing to talk about things that matter in the world.

We talked about the recent remembrance day ceremonies, our backgrounds are both military so the day has resonance for both of us. SR would just switch it over to the music channels. We talked of spirituality and life and people and everything.

We went to my favourite restaurant, now as we live 40 miles apart and I had never told him I had been that was some coincidence.

There are so many similarities in our background that it feels like things may be slotting into place. I'm still not rushing things though. I want to take it steady and make sure that it is right. After recent events I don't want to be putting rose tinted specs on. Clutching at the first person that shows me affection.

All in all, I'm one smiley girl tonight.

Good night all, sweet dreams.

Moral dilemma

The day was quite normal until half an hour ago. I had a relatively quiet day at work, did some studying, came home and gossiped with friends.

I am up to the half stone loss!!! Yippee.

Tomorrow I have made plans to see the coffee man. I am going over for lunch, then we are taking his dog for a walk along the beach. Later on he has made a booking in a very nice restaurant. Sounds like it should be a pleasant day. I am so nervous though. I am rather out of practice with all of this.

The thing that has shaken me though is the phone call. I answered and it was SR's 15 year old daughter. He is out with the girlfriend and not expected home until 11, but her friend has drunk all of his whisky. She wanted me to go over and take a replacement bottle with me so that he doesn't find out. In her words you know how angry he gets.

So, what do I do, the friend (and the daughter) sound very drunk so he will know anyway. But, is he likely to get violent? Could they bluff it if I replaced the bottle? But, if he was to find out would he be angry with her for involving me? What would be worst? I think I have to let her face the music. He has never hit his kids, he saved that for me and his ex-wife. I need to pray that he will be so loved up when he gets in that he doesn't notice.

I'm glad that she still feels she can call me. Had she had an accident or there was a peeping tom (there was one once before) I would have been over there like a shot and hang the consequences, her safety is more important. But there sounds to be a couple of them there so she should be ok. Shouldn't she?

I'll never know the outcome whatever I do.

Nearly Friday

Today was just so hectic. I had 2 4 hour meetings to run 50 miles apart so I was flying around the motorway network like a thing possessed. Missed lunch and was feeling very light headed by the time I got home. It was quite strange, the meetings were technically identical, progress meetings with people who are testing an IT application but the reactions were opposite. One was really positive, one was totally negative. Strange how the same thing can affect people in different ways.

Funnily enough, both turned into counselling sessions too, one with someone suffering from stress and potentially being bullied by their manager, the other was worried about a friend within the business who is under a lot of strain.

I'm glad tomorrow's meeting is cancelled, I have lots to catch up on.

SR update, he has removed me from his MSN list and although we haven't talked that way in weeks I suppose I felt that all the time I was on there perhaps we could get the friendship back? The relationship is damned but I just miss him so much. By the time I had sat in traffic for an hour and a half to get home I was feeling tearful.

Stupid I know. I was doing relatively well until then.

I had to get a new pc today as my old laptop went 'poof' last night. It's not my month! (I have lost 6 lbs since the big bust up though, that's nearly half a stone!!!)

Always try to see a positive!

Back to school

Today was a study day in college. My head is now aching and full of management theory and techniques. We have a really good group and we are coming to the end of our first year together. We have our exams in February after which we go our separate ways for a year as we all study different things in year 2. I am the only one doing my set of modules so it will seem strange.

We were very badly behaved though and went out for a pub lunch and came back 10 minutes late. The service was really slow and we ended up bolting dinner but the tutor was really nice about it.

I am supposed to be doing an hour's study this evening but I am all studied out!

As far as the SR situation goes, I had to tell the guys at college what had happened today as they were all asking how he was. They were really supportive. Again it is amazing how many people turn around and tell you they didn't like someone but didn't like to say! So I got lots of hugs and told that the right man is out there for me and I deserve someone much better. A really nice ego boost. Thank you guys!

So, the question I need to ask is this:

If you do not like or trust a friend's partner should we tell them? I really feel like I wish someone had told me that they had alarm bells ringing when I was blinded by love.

But then the other question is this:

Do you risk losing a friendship by doing so??

Life is confusing but made better by good friends. Thanks to all of mine and to those that have offered me support on here.

A busy day

Today was not quite how I planned but probably what I needed. I was supposed to be meeting 2 colleagues this afternoon. One turned up this morning, the other cancelled, so although we covered everything that needed to be done, we also caught up on loads of other stuff. Set the world to rights.

The lady I was working with is lovely. We had a really good day, we laughed and joked and got tons of work done.

It took my mind of everything that is going on. I am making a conscious effort to move on. The new girlfriend is intent on rubbing my nose in it, But I want to try and ignore it. They deserve each other. He is a lie and a cheat, she is smug and doesn't care that he screws around, and is taking delight in letting me know that he chose her over me. But is that such a good deal for her? If he has done it once he will do it again. She is welcome to him!

So if anyone knows a single, reliable, good, kind, faithful man, aged between 34 and 43 in the south east of England, let me know lol!!!!!!

There! I will move on!

Back to work

Today was my first day back at work after my week off. Loads of e-mails and did you have a great holidays?. So of course I said yes. Not, well actually my boyfriend broke my heart.

The day went quite well and the hectic week I expected lightened a little as two appointments have postponed to a more quiet week.

I tried really hard to throw myself into my work, the first thing I did though was put his photo in the drawer. I kept him on my desk so that in a quiet moment I could look up and feel loved.

Now I look up and see the collection of stress balls I came away from an HR conference with. (Why do these companies always find it necessary to give you a stress ball?) Is the job that bad? Have I missed something?

Work actually went well, the jobs I put off until post holiday and thought would take forever I got done quite quickly, yay.

I'm hoping for a good sleep tonight, I feel like I've been awake for weeks, but then maybe I have?

Trying hard to bury my feelings. If I ignore them they may go away perhaps?

Smiling through the tears

The day of the party, the whole family is there. Odd comments were made about SR all day, the family really didn't like him. But as they did not know we had got back together let alone split up again there was nothing I could say or do.


I wanted to scream and shout and let them know what he had done but it's not the English way. Instead we sipped tea and made small talk.

I've just got home and again the tears are flowing. I feel so stupid. She knows he is a cheater as well as I do but she is packing up her kids and moving 100 miles to move in with him and his kids. He always said that he didn't want that. And it's not that I did, I didn't, I like my independence. But he wanted his freedom too and here he is moving her in within a week, I just feel so betrayed.

I am so confused and seem to be moving back not forwards. I know I am stronger than that which makes me so angry with myself. I feel I have been mocked by him, her, his kids everyone.

It helps getting it down on here strangely, gives me a chance to really think and analyse why I am feeling what I am feeling. Part of it I know is that the baby would have been due next month. I kept it secret from all bar him and a close girl friend (he didn't want anyone to know as it would upset his kids) and now so long after the event it feels stupid to be grieving for the baby that I should have been looking forward to.

I am not even the maternal type. I made a decision early on that I did not want children. Yet 2 miscarriages later I still do not want to have children but I grieve for them. Does that make sense? Both were unexpected pregnancies, despite precautions being taken.

So, am I grieving the loss of a man who I thought I knew, the man I knew or the children I lost? Maybe all 3?

A long day

I've been trying to study all day today but it's been hard. My mind has been wandering all day. It must get easier surely?

Tomorrow is my aunt's birthday party, so I did some baking today. I need to try and keep a brave face on all day. Be the clown.

Not sure if I can cope though. I'm so tearful today. I keep trying to remember all the lies he told me, the way he cheated. The response he gave when I lost the baby. His 'relief'.

I've just heard that the girl he was cheating on me with is moving in. So much for him being about to dump her.

This is too hard to handle.

Split personality?

SR update... have not text him at all today despite a severe case of itchy fingers. I so much want to talk to him and I don't know why. Well I do, and I shouldn't. I know if I text him and ask to talk he will ignore me and I'll feel even more hurt. By not contacting him at all at least I'm not being rejected again.

Otherwise the day has been cool. I went to the dentist, had a five minute check up with no work required. Yay!!!! Then off to lunch with the coffee man. Another 3 hour gossip session ensued before I had to leave. I have exams in Febuary and lots of study to do before then. That was always one of the problems, he used to complain that I was mentally quicker than him. He was not dim. He's an accountant but I can retort quickly and he is more ponderous. Used to frustrate him.

Tonight, after having done 6 hours of study I intend having a quiet evening, a long hot soak in the bath (boy it's cold here tonight!!) and an early night. Tomorrow is another study day. Saturdays has always been study day so I should be ok, it's Sunday that may be a challenge. That was always our day out.

So, until tomorrow!

Xmas is coming!

SR update, I wished him a happy birthday and left it at that. I so wish we hadn't parted in anger. I hate conflict. He still is not replying to me, not that I've said much too him. I hoped for a reply to my birthday text but it was not to be. I've offered up a couple of olive branches but I think he shot the doves! There is no way our relationship could continue and to be honest I don't think I would want it to. He doesn't want me I was just convenient at a point in time. But we had some good times, there were fun moments. Romantic moments, out and out hilarity, we worked on projects together at his home and mine. I helped out when he was having problems with authority, I drafted letters for him. He helped me landscape my garden, I helped build his conservatory. There is so much history there and it's gone from a hug and a kiss with an 'I love and miss you' to a situation where he does not acknowledge my existence and that hurts.

But, what can I do? I don't know if he is still angry with me for being upset or if he thinks a policy of non-communication will make the break up easier on both sides. I need that closure, that discussion. I want to remain friends, I hate hostility.

Other than that the day was spent Xmas shopping. My family also have loads of birthdays in the run up to Xmas so I've been looking out for gifts. I got a few today so I'm happy but not yet in full festive fling.

To be honest I'm dreading Xmas. It's a time of couples all being together, I'll be the only Singleton on Xmas day with the family. Everyone will be turning to their partners with love in their eyes and I'll be.....ooh entertaining the kids! Laughing and smiling, being jolly and inside feeling so empty.

I'll come home to a dark empty house. Nobody to snuggle up with and say 'It was a wonderful day wasn't it'.

I had to give up my voluntary work owing to work commitments and usually I do a shift at the centre, makes me realise there are people so much worse off than me. But this year that option is not open. Where I live, the organisation I worked for was the only one open over Xmas but it's all or nothing there, they don't take people on for a few shifts over the festive season.

Well, time to stop brooding, I'm supposed to be looking forward!!!! The guy I saw yesterday has been attentive and my old flame more so. It's strange that both of these guys have come out of the woodwork this week in particular. As one door closes???

A feeling of calm?

Let's start with the confession, I did text him early this morning, but only to say that I hoped he would remember the good times we had had and hope that one day maybe we could be friends. That is the last text. Well, I may say happy birthday to him tomorrow.

Back to the garage today to get the radiator replaced on the car. Instead of the usual Polo courtesy car they gave me a people carrier. I needed a rope ladder to get into the driver's seat, boy those things are tall!

All was well until I went to the car-park. With a queue of traffic behind me that was not the time to practice reverse parking into a tight space in a different car. Especially as the reverse gear was in a different place to mine. I managed the manouevre with panache though and was pleased with myself.

I met up with my 'date' (the guy that's been asking me out for coffee) and spent the next three hours just talking, solidly. Wow! I didn't feel on edge, or guarded, or worried that what I said might make him flare up. I had forgotten what that is like.

From there I visited my mum as she lives in the same town. We had dinner and a good gossip about Xmas etc then I came home. I logged onto the pc to discover an ex had e-mailed me his number. We split up when he moved abroad 3 years ago but now he is back in the country and wants to make contact. What is happening this week? I have been trotting along peacefully for weeks and all of a sudden my life is tumultuous!

So, I text him back and suggested we had a coffee and catch up.

So, all in all, I'm feeling ok, still getting tearful occasionally when I'm on my own but the world will never know unless they stumble on this blog.

Don't do it! Don't do it!

Again I tried to act normally today. Went to the garage this morning. Text him to apologise for my outburst last night. Yes I know, he probably didn't deserve an apology but I was well brought up.

Then I text him to see if we could end this affair in an adult fashion. Instead of sniping and shouting. Again - no response.

So then I reverted to childhood and text him and said if he didn't want to talk then perhaps I should have a chat with his ex-wife. She may be more eager. He ignored that too.

How can he go from loving and affectionate to just completely ignoring me and shutting me out of his life? I could never do that. But then I'm more emotional. He can switch his feelings on and off like a switch.

Is that just a man thing? I would really love to know. Is it possible to just forget someone like that? If so please someone, teach me how.

Keep singing that old song to myself, you know the one, 'I just don't know what to do with myself, ' it seems to fit the bill so well. I may not have been used to doing everything with him but he was always on my mind.

My heart is so heavy.

I've been trying to put the brave front on, flirting with the guy who keeps suggesting coffee. Even did some motorway flirting with a van driver this morning. But then reality sets in. I'm crap at relationships and nobody ever wants a long term relationship with me. What the hell is wrong with me?

Trying to make it a one blog day today. No more crises.

On a cheery note an old friend rang me today. He was passing a place where we used to meet up for coffee and he thought of me and called. We had a chat and he did wonders for my ego.

I need to concentrate on going forward. What's that saying?

The past is a foreign country we did things differently there!

That should be my motto. By all means analyse what went wrong but do it dispassionately and don't repeat the mistakes of the past.

Here ends the sermon :)

Bridget

P.S. I lost 2lbs in weight too!

Oh my god how stupid am I

Well now I know.

His text when it came was stop wasting your time. So I went over. The mother of all rows later, I said loud enough for his daughter to hear about his telling me to have an abortion in the summer and then his pleasure in my miscarriage.

He went mad. So, I shall never see him again , ever , and he hates me. He is also staying with the other woman.

I wonder if she knows about all of the other girls he has phone sex with, the very dodgy web sites he visits.

All the time whilst telling her he loves her and misses her when he's not with her.

Lynda, wake up and smell the coffee, he's a worm! He will hurt every woman he meets. Including you sister!

I think I may have woken up myself tonight. I saw him in a whole new light. I even thought at one point he was going to hit me.
So, it's over.
Chapter closed.

Time to move on. SR is out of my life. He can get on his pride and joy, the silver Suzuki that means more to him than anyone, and go.

I need to move on. There has been a guy hanging around wanting to go for a drink so I may shock him and say yes. Classic rebound stuff huh?

I wasted 14 months on someone who treated me like dirt, I put up with his lies, his deceit, his other women, his porn sites. My god I'm worth more than that!! I even said I didn't mind if he had one night stands just so that he would stay with me, and in the end he didn't. So, no more doormat!


You see before you a woman who has remembered her confidence and will not be abused!

So on that note I shall cry into my pillow one last time and remember the good times from my dim and dark memory.

Tomorrow is another day!

One Day Later

Well, I got through the day, kept myself busy. Saw my mum, went Xmas shopping, all the time putting on the happy happy front. If mum suspected she didn't say.

I've tried texting him, no response. Ringing - it goes to answerphone. I need some answers, I need to know if he is out of my life forever, are we going to stay friends? What?

I don't want to act like a bunny boiler but the more he ignores me the more upset I get. Was the last 14 months for nothing. Did I mean nothing at all to him?

What should I do? What should I do? What should I do?

The sensible part of me says forget him. He was a cheating, lying, b*****d. You deserve better. You are an intelligent woman, why do you need this lowlife who can't lie straight in bed? Is it a fear of being alone? Perhaps. Is it because he did it not me? Perhaps. Do I love him? I don't know. All I know is I don't want this to end this way. With him storming off into the night never to be seen again.

I feel so stupid. Feeble. Clingy. I wouldn't care but I have a couple of guys in the background who have asked me out. Why is this guy who is openly sleeping with another woman and texting countless others so important to me. I'll never change him. He treats me badly. Stands me up. Is often late. I see him once maybe twice a week for 3 hours, hardly a commitment.

See, I can type this all down onto an anonymous pc. If I was reading this and not in the situation I can hear myself saying 'for god's sake girl get a grip, being alone is better than being with this guy'. I just need to believe it. Maybe I should chant it like a mantra?

I've just left both a text and an answerphone message asking him to call or suggesting I go over if he doesn't wish to call, so watch this space!!

Bridget

A Day in the Life

A Day in the Life
Well, update no 2 of the day, let's test this therapy thing.

He walked out 10 minutes ago. He arrived at 9, said he couldn't do the boyfriend/girlfriend thing anymore then walked out 20 minutes later. So that's it, chapter closed. 14 months down the pan.

So where I go from here is anyone's guess. Sat here sobbing my heart out pouring it out to the pc. Life in the 21st century.

So as water and electricity don't mix I'll leave it there.

Bridget

Well the day has finally arrived that I tackle a blog!! So what brings me here?

Life!

I've been engrossed in another blog on this site for some weeks now and came to the conclusion that it must be quite therapeutic. Now from the name I have chosen you will probably guess my circumstances - female, mid-thirties, professional, string of broken relationships behind me but life is not always grim!

But having spent another night waiting for Himself to ring in vain I feel a change is coming on. It's just getting the courage to do it.

I hope that by committing my thoughts to erm well screen, (remember paper?) it might make that decision easier.

So, what's the background? We met 14 months ago, dated until March, split up but were still 'intimate' he dated a string of other women but 6 weeks ago we got back together officially. I'm still waiting for him to tell the other girlfriend though. I know all about her but she only knows me as his mad ex-girlfriend. I've been working away this week and to say he has not been attentive is an understatement. I last saw him last Sunday, we had a great day. Arranged tentatively to go out last night on my return but then mid-week he cancelled. He said he would call and here I am still waiting. So what does it mean?

Well, the heart says one thing the head says another. Girlfriends tell me to ditch him but I'm not that brave.

So, I wait.....and wait....

Well, I shall not bore the screen too much. I need to get on. Make an attempt at normality. Not keep glancing at the phone, checking that it's working etc.

Until tomorrow
Bridget