I had an early night last night and went straight to sleep but I awoke at 2 and that was it. Everytime I drifted off to sleep I had disturbing images of violence and fear. A friend once told me to visualise my breath as a colour, breathing in cool blue air and breathing out warm pink air. Blowing away the stress and relaxing but it didn't work.
It's funny how it's only now I have these dreams of SR being aggressive and violent towards me. When he was angry and hit me I didn't. I've not seen him now for 22 days and yet he still has the power to fill me with anxiety. He was aggressive the day I told him I was pregnant and although that didn't cause me to lose the baby that was the dream I had. All he did that day was scream at me for being stupid and selfish and how if I chose to have the baby it would be my decision but he would not be around. He screamed so much I ended up in foetal position on the floor just hiding my head, shielding my ears. Yet when it comes to my dream, I am heavily pregnant and he is hitting my head and stomach.
He settled down after that and accepted the situation within a week or so, but on the 5th June I woke in the night in pain and lost the baby. I was alone at home. He was sympathetic but expressed his 'relief'.
So why the dreams? Is it because the baby was so near his due date? Or because I have had to speak to him, or a combination of both. His new girlfriend is still being evil and smug and bragging about how she is so happy and 'won' but my friends have rallied round and the message that is fed back to her is how I am rebuilding my life and am happy and confident. How I wish that was true.
Work is hard at the minute, I'm getting through it and traditionally nobody there knows. I'm professional and efficient, always placid and smiling, coping with the workload without complaint. Showing empathy with those colleagues who are buckling under the stress and doing what I can to counter this for them. What they don't see is that the minute I get my front door closed behind me I'm dissolving and the tears start.
I wish I could go to sleep and wake up to a new world. Was I really so bad in a former life that I deserve this? Am I such a bad person?
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3 comments:
Hi hon,
Two days until your weekend and you wont have to place the facade of happiness on your face at work.
I imagine that your dreams and feelings are normal for what you are enduring at the moment.
Two steps forward, one step back Bridget, you are doing so well, 22 days is a life time for you at the moment, but 44 wont be.
I am away for a couple of days and shall catch up on your blog when I return, I hope you have a wonderful weekend and I am looking forward to reading about your happy times with hopefully the "coffee man"???? is he on the adgenda for the weekend?
Think positive hon.
Hugs and big smooches to last the weekend..
rosebud
Do you deserve this hardship, and are you a bad person?
The answer is a resounding "NO".
We are all equal. You, me, SR, even his current girlfriend we're all equal.
The dreams you're having, the horrid violent dreams, may not have been what happened physically, but they're what happened to you mentally and spiritually. The dreams happen because a part of you may not be accepting those times as being that bad. Accept them for being that bad and I have a feeling the bad dreams will move on.
Thanks Guys, I'm more frustrated than tearful tonight which is good.
I know it is a slow process but I'm so impatient in nature. I like my life orderly and clam and at the moment it's anything but. I'm struggling with that.
Dreams are a way of disseminating the events of the waking mind, no wonder mine are volatile. I'm still a way from losing the rose tinted glasses but I'm trying really hard.
Lastly, yes, the Coffee Man is coming for dinner tomorrow. I am such a bad cook :)
So, if he survives we will see what the weekend holds!
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