Back to work

Well, work certainly took my mind off life. How many e-mails can you get in 4 days away? Then there were the phone calls and all the messages posted under my office door.

I still managed to get away on time (ok so I started 2 hours early so maybe not on time) and went to the gym. Still trying to lose that Xmas pound. Will it never go? But I had a really good workout. Came out looking like an overcooked tomato. Sexy or what?

I chatted with Coffee Man today and it was a bit more normal than it has been for the last 2 days.

Study Study and more Study

I did a full day's revision on the accountancy module today, I still know as much as I did this morning. I'm not in the right frame of mind I think. The trouble is it is only 20 days to the exam.

Coffee Man text me a couple of times to see how I am, he is really trying. After our long chats yesterday he is making a real effort.

I think he knows that everything is just getting on top of me and with the events of the weekend I am getting to the end of my coping strategies.

Have you ever wanted to just walk out of your life and not look back? Walk away from everything and everyone? Not look back.

The day I lost the baby I bought a tree for the garden and I was looking at it today. It was so forlorn, the leaves had dropped, it looked dead, I know it was not and I know it will come back and flower, but I felt like that tree.

I'm back at work tomorrow, lord only knows what chaos awaits as I have not been in since last Wednesday with college and study leave.

So, I'm going to have a bath and get an early night, and try and do the old optimist bit.

Miserable as sin!

Well the day ended absolutely terribly.

We ended up having the mother of all rows and barely talking. He left for work early this morning with me in tears and him grumpy. I tried to talk to him but the words came out all wrong. He got defensive and the more I tried to explain the more defensive he got.

I'm starting to get really bad vibes here. From being really happy with him, I'm getting to the watching every word I say and trying not to upset him.

I know I'm stressed and I tried to explain that, but...oh I just don't know.

He doesn't understand. I don't understand. We are niggling at each other. He has little Miss perfect to run off to and talk to about me and the way we are that makes me even more tense.

He doesn't understand as she is 'just a friend'.

I am so confused, my mind turns to SR, I get tearful. I feel so low at the minute.

Why can my life not be simple? You look around and everyone is in a relationship with someone, they dote on each other and it never happens to me. Every time I think things are going ok, they go bang! I don't think I am such a bad person, I know I have my faults, and plenty of them. But,....I just wish I could meet my handsome knight on a white horse and live happily ever after but I guess that's not my destiny is it?

An early night

I ended Friday with an early night and felt a little better yesterday. Coffee Man wanted to go shopping (as it was his birthday it was his prerogative!) so we went into town and he virtually renewed his wardrobe.

Last night we had a couple of friends over for a Chinese and I made his birthday cake. His sister and his best 'girl' friend were there and I had forgotten that she is a celebrated cake maker, and I had literally just thrown a cake together, from memory and without the tools I have in my own kitchen, (including proper cake tins!!) and I haven't mastered his oven yet, it is completely different to mine. It rose though and although possibly a little firmer than I would have liked, it was still moist inside and lemony like it was supposed to be ( a lemon drizzle cake as requested) He had joked with his sister earlier that he didn't have a birthday cake so I did it not as a joke but to keep him happy, can't have a birthday boy without a birthday cake after all.

I know his friend was joking when she said 'nobody go swimming' but then she proceeded to tell all assembled about the wedding cake she was making for a colleague and how fabulous it was going to be. I felt like a complete and utter incompetent prat.

The whole evening was spent with her regaling us with her exciting life and famous friends, he was hanging on her every word, at least that's how it felt to me. She too is studying for a qualification but obviously it is a much more impressive one than mine that will let her do even more exciting things, his sister asked me about my horse so she told us about her stable full of horses. I really feel inadequate today.

I don't know if it is just the pressure or work, study, impending exams and a new man in my life that is making me feel so nervous and low. She has repeatedly told me she has no interest in him they are just mates so why do I feel so inferior?

Anyway, I came home this morning and went to the gym, did some study and he is coming over for dinner soon. Hopefully I won't poison him as it's bound to not be up to her standards after all.

A wasted day

I should have been studying today but woke up feeling quite poorly. The cold that has been hanging around for ages has got much worse today.

I went shopping first thing and got the groceries, Coffee Man will be here around 8 and I need to stir myself to get the dinner started soon.

I'm really not sure where the day has gone, it seems to have suddenly become late and dark.
And cold, very cold!

Must get on!

School Days

Phew it's over for today. The next time I go to Uni it will be for the exams. I took the strategy and economics papers today and scraped a pass. The tutor went through all our answers and gave us pointers to what the examiners are looking for which was helpful. I've not sat exams in so many years and certainly not at this level, Scary!


I feel a bit more relaxed now. I had a long chat with Coffee Man this evening before he went to work. There is so much kicking off at my place of work at the minute, a new boss, everyone is worried about their jobs, people are getting really irritable. Combine this with a very heavy workload, 2 of us doing our professional qualifications and exams, and it is like a tinder box. Just waiting for the spark and it will blow.

I had a chat with a colleague tonight, she is usually the strong , positive one and she was sobbing her heart out. I felt so sorry for her. She is much more ambitious than me, younger, was I like that once? Hmm, maybe.

I'm just trying to live day by day at the minute, I would drive myself mad if I didn't. Coffee Man is having issues with his ex-wife over the care of his daughter so he is stressed too. He is coming over tomorrow so hopefully we can have a bit of a calming weekend. I want to try and do something special for him but I'm not sure what yet.....

Missed the Winter Wonderland

I awoke this morning to lots of texts and messages from home warning me of the snow and bad driving conditions. Where I was was clear but the drive home promised to be treacherous. As it was it was ok but it has started snowing again now.

I have been looking at old exam papers tonight and my brain has gone blank. Nerves are really setting in now. I have my mocks tomorrow and I can't remember a thing.

So I'm going to get an early night and hope it comes flooding back.

Survived!

I awoke to a dusting of snow today but not enough to prevent my colleagues arrival. Unfortunately.

I got through the day ok, he tried to show me up once but his facts were wrong so I was able to gently stop him from saying anymore. He still tried to play the big I am with the senior managers there but they have known me long enough to not play the game.

He really frustrates me, I've got an easy going nature but this guy and I just wind each other up.

Tomorrow I'm heading briefly into Wales then going home. Hopefully the snow will not have hit my home county but it is forecast. I've got my shovel and wellies in the boot and I'll fill my flask before I leave.

In Wurzel country

Well I made it to the south west without encountering any snow!

I drove through every type of weather except hailstorms, started with ice, then strong winds, then rain, then snow, then fog then beautiful sunshine. 4 seasons in one day!

When I got down here the meeting was cancelled, I still have tomorrows though.

One of my colleagues is joining me tomorrow, he hates me and makes me so nervous. We have a real personality clash. He is coming to 'support me' in this sell-in that I'm doing. All he does is sit there, interrupt, say things that are scheduled for later in the presentation, confuse everyone and belittle me. Should be a fun day. Just have to keep telling myself '8 hours and it will be over'.

I've already done this presentation 4 times but now I feel that I know nothing.

This time tomorrow I can have a glass of red and chill!
Or he may get snowed away??

Sunday study - again

A normal Sunday really, at least what passes for normality nowadays. I came home early from Coffee Man's, went to Pilates, came home and studied, well after a short nap, I was so tired.

I did another chapter in my study, all about hard and soft system design. That part at least sank in. Let's hope for a question on that in the exam.

I am working away this week in Somerset so I'm not sure if I will be online for a couple of days, depends on the hotel.

So wish me luck and happy studying!

Fun

Thanks rosebud!

I am a Snapdragon What Flower Are You?

"Mischief is your middle name, but your first is friend. You are quite the prankster that loves to make other people laugh."

An office day

Today was a quiet day but hugely productive. As it was an unexpected day in my office, I even remembered where it was, only managed to go to it once this year! The reason behind it was unusual though.

Had it not been for the weather I would have been at head office all day, the photos in the news today show so much devastation. Trees uprooted, houses collapsed, wild weather at the beach, but there is a much more sinister side too. We really shouldn't forget the power of Mother Nature. Eleven people lost their lives in the UK, all as a consequence of the weather. 2007 and the weather in the UK is killing people, shocking really. We live in a cloistered world where people die from illness, or old age, accident or war. We don't leave home in the morning and worry about whether a wall is going to fall over and kill us, or if a gust of wind is going to overturn the lorry alongside us.

Sometimes we should stop and think.

Busy going nowhere

I can't help thinking of Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day.

The wind was ferocious today and as a result this morning's workshop was half hour late starting as my people hadn't arrived. This meant that they walked out and load number 2 walked in. No break for me today.

I left at 3.30 for my 200 mile drive north, after 1 hour and no miles I decided to ring my boss and tell him I would drive up in the morning. When I spoke to him again at 9.40 having driven 3 miles the decision was taken that I didn't need to drive north. I managed to drive 30 miles in 6.5 hours, I am sooo tired. So now, to bed!

2 down, 6 to go

Well I got through the day, I realised why I was dreading it so much. Two of the most ignorant people in the world were in the room together today. The ones that love the sound of their own voice, think it's fun to swear in order to try and shock 'teacher' and get a cheap embarrassed giggle from the rest of the delegates. Try to rip apart everything you say and do. I spent the whole morning on the defence. Why???? What the devil is the point??? There is a new pc application, it has cost 300,000 pounds, the company is not going to abandon it because these two idiots think that we don't need it. One has the hump because he has been repeatedly passed over for promotion (hmmm I wonder why???) the other is just erm, searches for the word,,, stupid!

Ok, rant over!


The afternoon session went really well, another two tomorrow and then a 200 mile drive, they are forecasting torrential rain and 70mph gales. The police have said to stay at home if possible but I get to drive 200 miles after an 8 hour workshop. Great!

God I'm grumpy tonight, time to grab a Baileys and soak in the bath I think.

Readjust to work mode

Today was my fist day back after 4 days studying so I had to get my brain back in gear. I went to tomorrow's venue to set up and I'm glad I did, half of the equipment is missing. Never mind, I can work round it.

I'm a little worried about tomorrow's presentation, I have 40 people and it's the first time I have run this workshop for real. I think it's because I know them all, I find it easier to stand and talk to people I don't know.

Spoke to Coffee Man this evening and he has had an accident at work, he said he is ok, but I'm still worried . He is bruised but more damage to his pride than anything else. He was rushing to a shout and somehow had a fall at the station. My brave soldier lol.

I won't see him until Saturday so I text him lots of hugs and kisses.

Brain dead

I went to the library after Coffee Man left this morning and reissued half of the books I haven't notated yet. Swapped my mam's faulty DVD that I got her for Xmas, and then came home.

I was supposed to be studying, but couldn't get motivated so I cleared the leaves from the front garden. The window cleaner came then I cracked on.

Well sort of, I made coffee, did half hour, made more coffee, did 20 minutes, then more coffee. I was like that all day, just couldn't get my brain in gear. So I decided to pack it up at 5.

I coloured my hair - too many greys were peeping though and made dinner.

I had a long chat with Coffee Man, he only left here at 6.30 and still we gossipped for ages. Now I plan a long hot bath as I'm back to work tomorrow. I have a really busy week, 5 days work in 4 and a 500 mile drive in the middle of it, yuk!

Sunday!

I got more studying done yesterday, loads on legislation and the European Courts so I was quite glad to escape. I went to see my poor bruised mother, she is very sorry for herself but she loved the flowers I sent :)

Then I went to the cinema, the film was ok, and I had a chance to chat with the girl I went with. Giving her the benefit of the doubt I think she has our best interests at heart but I don't know for certain. I have lost the ability to trust people over the years, I can see ulterior motives and hidden agendas everywhere. Sometimes they exist, sometimes they don't. Only time will tell.

I came home this morning and went to the gym, then tackled the supermarket. Coffee Man will be over later for dinner, roast beef and Yorkshire puddings on the menu with a lemon cheesecake for dessert. (Using low fat cheese etc!!! Still not lost the pound I put on at Xmas)

Until then time for a bit more study.

Study!

I spent the whole day going over the first module of my course. I can't remember half of it but the other half came flooding back, go on, ask me a question about the European Union or the IMF. Tomorrow shall be regulation and corporate social responsibility, I can hardly wait.

I had intended doing that today too but I had lost the will to live.

I chatted with Coffee Man tonight and a friend of his who I have become friends with has asked me to go to the cinema with her tomorrow. She knows all about the wobble I had earlier in the week. He seems to tell her everything and I'm not sure how I feel about that. He spent the day with her Tuesday when I was working. Now I'm not jealous of her, although when she had a glass or two to many she had mentioned that he used to hold a torch for her. I'm just concerned that there are three in the relationship.

I need to think, nothing is ever simple.

Tomorrow, is study, see my poor mam and make sure she is ok, and then go to the cinema.

Operation Stack!

I was at college all day today going through old exam papers. If I wasn't scared before I am now! I read through some of the questions and just couldn't remember any of them. Tomorrow I need to sit down and work out which are my weakest areas. (other than economics- yuk)

I got a message from my brother to say that my mum had had another fall. I went to see her but because of the weather conditions in the channel Operation Stack was in place. This meant that it took 2 hours to drive 20 miles. Fighting through a load of foreign lorries. No fun at all.

When I got there she is badly bruised and battered. A possible broken nose, 2 black eyes, a cut lip and sprained wrist. She is in a bad way poor thing.

I shall pop back on Saturday to see how she is.

The end of the working week

Last day of the working week today yippee!!
I have college tomorrow and a study day Friday. I am also riddled with cold again. I can't seem to shake it off. I think it is because I'm all stressy at the minute. i need to learn to chill. That's why I love flying I suppose, leave the problems on the ground.

So I'm going to go and sniff menthol.

Another busy day

I had an early start this morning to get around the M25 before the traffic started. I had a great day, the people I was working with were really fun and receptive. They came up with some good ideas and worked well. A good day! My work here is done (giggle)

I had a long chat with Coffee Man tonight, I was feeling a little insecure and he was able to reassure me. We talked late last night and I felt a little cold afterwards. I really wear my heart on my sleeve and I know I shouldn't. He was badly hurt in a previous relationship and hides his feelings well. We talked tonight about the need to communicate more. I was ready to walk away last night. He was so sweet tonight and told me how much he cared for me. I feel much better now.

So, I'm off for a hot bath and an early night, ready for another long drive tomorrow.

Back on the road

I was working in Colchester today so it was back to the M25. Home sweet home! The traffic was good and apart from a few technical hitches (ie teaching a pc application and the pc didn't work hmmm) the session went well. I came home, did my work e-mail and then put in a couple of hours study.

I got a really friendly e-mail from my ex-husband so I have just replied to that. Now I'm just chilling and waiting for Coffee Man to ring. He is out playing badminton tonight. Tomorrow is a trip to Hayes so I can watch the aeroplanes at Heathrow, yes I'm a sad cow but I just love airports. I grew up around them and I get such a buzz, an adrenaline kick really.

I miss flying, I need to get my degree out of the way so I can get back in the air.

The following quote was attributed to Da Vinci - "When once you have tasted flight, you will forever walk the earth with your eyes turned skyward, for there you have been, and there you will always long to return."- He was so right!

A tired brain

I went back with Coffee Man yesterday to his friend's. She needed some work doing in her garden in readiness for some building work that starts next week, so along with a group of friends we got soaked to the skin and wind burns all day but it was a really fun day. We had a laugh and a joke and got everything sorted.

In the evening he and I went for a very romantic meal in a Chinese restaurant before returning home. He had every intention of watching the football highlights as his team were playing in the FA cup tie. Well, he missed it :D

This morning I had to leave early as I had my pilates class, then I came home to mine and studied all day. I have exams coming up soon so I'm starting to get nervous.

This is going to be quite a busy week at work so I'm off for an early night.

More positive

I've just got in from work and despite spending 5 hours on the M25 I'm feeling a little more positive. We had a good meeting and have put together the work plan for the next month. Loads to do but it's back to my core job that I haven't done in ages. Back working with people which is great.

I've just spoken to Coffee Man and he is on his way over, so I'd better see what I can feed him.
I need a hot bath and a chill first though. I'm feeling quite tired today so I need to perk up a bit. I was awake a lot last night fretting over things over which I have no control. I need to get into my brain that I know the truth, I'm not a bad person and a few malicious people cannot change that.

Back to work

It was my first day back today after all of the holidays, I am soo tired!
A million e-mails and letters etc, so it was good to get home.

I had a long chat with Coffee Man which was nice, and then a chat with another friend who told me that the rejected man has been calling me a slut and a slag to all of our mutual friends, some of whom are believing him.

Was I really so evil in another life? Or am I just a bad person in this? Just when things pick up , some bugger pulls them down again.

A late post

I've been studying hard today today and got a whole workbook done. Yippee!

Tomorrow is back to work day though. So I've been ironing and getting everything arranged ready.

The man who I 'rejected' has been hounding me again today. I wish he would just leave me be.

So I'm off to bed and feeling low.

Home again

I came home from Coffee Man's today as I really need to get some study done before going back to work. We had a fantastic New Year. It was simple but fun. We went out with friends in his village from the local police and fire services.

I drank a little too much, I rarely drink now. Walking home with a friend and him, the pavements were moving, I was giggling all the way with the friend walking with us and Coffee Man had to support us both. (The weather was very windy making us unsteady on our feet!)

He has a very manly checked duvet cover and I remember just gripping the bed trying to stop the room revolving and giggling thinking that the checks were moving too. He put me to bed and I just crashed out until the morning when I was awake bright and early.

We spent the day at my parents with my family who seemed to like him. Always good.

I text SR to wish him a Happy New Year and the reply I got was "Hello, (girlfriend) here, happy new year to you too" That made me laugh, she is vetting his text messages now? I replied happy new year to you and yours too (with a smiley face) please ensure that SR and the girls get my message.

So, time for bed all by myself :(