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Ramblings!

Ok, I shall start with a confession, I had a rather large glass of wine on an empty stomach, so please forgive typos and ramblings.

I should have mentioned Kent's biggest news in a century yesterday but I forgot. (See how much significance it had in my life?) We had an earthquake. Yes, the most excitement seen in Folkestone since they closed the amusements. well, Folkestone is claiming the credit but it was 7 miles out in the English Channel. Worryingly enough it was right next to the Tunnel. Hmmm and my friend who works on it wonders why I have never used it?

It started me thinking though. What would have happened if it was on the north Kent coast not the south? There is a munitions ship that sunk off the Isle of Sheppey, the SS Montgomery from memory, and every year teams have to go out and check it to make sure it is not about to blow up the whole of the Isle of Sheppey. (Although some may think that would be preferable)


Today SR has been on my mind all day, I think it is because I saw a biker this morning who may or may not have been him, I didn't really get a chance to register, I did register that the rider looked at me long and hard before riding off, it may have been him, it may not, I really am not sure, but his reaction suggests it was. I was in the car going the other way.

Must repeat to myself the man was a bastard a thousand times over.

Anyway, I'm in a hotel, still got a few things to finish off. Not much - just signing certificates.

weekend

I went to my parents yesterday as they needed their kitchen planning, (an occupation in a former life) It was quite funny, Dad cooks once a week but he wants a range cooker, mum is more practical and wanted storage so it was a balancing act not to upset either one.

I managed to come up with a solution that was practical for both though. Let's hope they both like it when it comes!

I went to the gym this morning and wore myself out. I need to crack my weight again. I put on 4lbs 5 weeks ago and I can't shift it. Grrrrr

This afternoon is household chores. Yippee - always fun (sarcasm is the lowest form of wit)

Home again

I've just got home and flumped, this morning's meeting was not too bad, actually went quite quickly for a change.

When I came out of it my car had been delivered so I emptied my old one :( rang the guy who is getting it and told him he had to look after it! Then picked up my new phone, (old one didn't work in the handsfree cradle)

I took a leisurely drive home, (a 220 mile test drive!) I did get to grips with the cruise control though!

Now I need to read the manual, it is the size of a phone book! Hmmm should be fun.... zzzzzzz

Still away from home

I'm still up north but I do get to come home tomorrow.

It will be a long and possibly interesting day. We have the monthly meeting (yawn) and whenever that finishes I get to come home.

First though I need to collect my new car! I wasn't expecting it until next week. Sad to see the old one go though, it seems like only yesterday when I got it. The man who gets it on Monday is not the best driver either :(

Quiet or wasted weekend

I spent a quiet weekend just faffing around the house. I went to the gym this morning and apart from a little mild flirtation with a guy on a very nice motorbike (yes ok, I'm a tart - but I do like a man in leather!) it was quite innocuous.

I need to think what I'm looking for, or not as the case may be.

Essential
Intelligence - my last few dates have - and I don't wish to put anyone down here, that's not my intention - not been able to keep up, I need a guy that is on the same wave length and I don't have to explain things to?

Humour - what girl doesn't?

Kind

Witty

Solvent - I'm a modern girl and will pay my way but not pick up every single tab!

Good in bed

Desirable
Tall - yes I know I'm a short arse

A twinkle in his eye

Time for a relationship

Deal breakers
Bad breath

Dogs!

Misogynist

Patronising

Cheating

Hmmm that's all I can think of for the moment......

Not saying a word!!!!

Hmmm am I going through the 'anger' stage?

You Are Occasionally a Jerk Magnet

You've been known to attract real jerky guys from time to time... But the truth is, you know what you're getting into. You can help but love bad boys.

Are You a Jerk Magnet?

Chapter closed

It's over, confirmed it with him today. He got all defensive and could not see what I was meaning. He is after all perfect (aren't we all?) I tried to tell him what I meant but he had an answer for everything. None of which was his fault. He is after all such a busy man, he is always at work, works nights, has his daughter, has the dog etc etc, I tried to point out that he is 4 days (or nights) on and then either 7 or 4 days off, he has his daughter a maximum of 2 nights a week and then not every week but still he doesn't have time to come to mine. I always have to go there.

He has only once told me he loved me and that was after prompting. (He denied this and said that he says it all the time but believe me I would know!) The dog gets more affection. I'm allergic to the dog - gives me asthma problems but he just laughs when the dog gets onto the bed and sleeps on my pillow.

So, I'm on my own again. I'm tearful but I know it's for the best. I think it's frustration at yet another failed relationship.

Just a quickie

I'm up north on a dodgy connection and ninth restart so this is a quickie.

I rowed with Coffee Man again last night. Apart from a quick I'm too busy to talk text late Sunday and Monday (he's working nights so I don't disturb him in the day) he made a quick call last night and was so dismissive of me, didn't understand why I was concerned (72 hours and 2 texts?) told me it was just stupid to count as we are all busy people. I realised it's not going to work. He was really tetchy and I hung up on him. I've not heard a word since - another 24 hours. If he does I think I shall just tell him it's over. This happens too much. We row, he promises to try harder, he does for a day or so and then back to normal. More interested in the TV and his dinner than me.

It's not enough.

Hmmm is that a good thing?

So what's the recipe?

You Are Smores

Unusual and unconventional, you make your strange ways work for you. You've got personality - no one's denying that!

What Dessert Are You Most Like?

New job time? Nar not yet!

Your Job Satisfaction Level: 60%

Your job is about average. There are some parts you really enjoy, and some parts that stress you out. It's possible that you need a small change. Maybe you should switch companies or positions. It's also possible that you're simply burned out. No job is perfect, even a great one. Give yourself a personal day to think about your career goals - and if your current job is helping you achieve them.

Should You Get a New Job?

Sunny day

I went to the gym this morning then came home and cracked on. The washing and ironing is all done, the garden is mowed and weeded. Not only that it's dug over and the borders are looking neater.

I realised I haven't seen CM since Monday and not really missed him, is that because I am secure or evil? He hasn't text or rung today and apart from a passing thought earlier I'd not even realised. I think I'll text him and see if he is busy as I'm just heading off to bed.

Happy Day!!!

Well, my Uni group all went out on the razz last night as the dreaded results were expected. What was going be the outcome of a year's hard study and 2 days of awful exams? We went to a nice Italian and then on to a bar before getting home late.

I got home and no results!!!! :-(

This morning I was awake early, went to the DIY shed and chose some paper for the stairs, came home and waited for the postman.


And waited


And waited



Finally he arrived and I opened the envelope with trepidation. .....


I passed one of the 4



and got credits in the other 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yippee no resits!!!!!


I am one happy chicken.



Whilst I was at the DIY shed I picked up a new phone socket as the one I had had multiple extensions and broadband filters hanging from it - very unsightly. So I rewired that with a new one with an integrated filter and it works too. And it looks so neat and tidy.

So a jolly good Saturday was had by all!

More confusion

I really didn't need the Dutchman ringing for the first time in ages and saying he hoped that I was going to tell him I was single!!


Isn't my life complicated enough????????

A cathartic exercise?

Ok. Let's get the brain emptied so I can move on. This is going to be the equivalent of the letter that is written but never sent.

Ignore it, it will make no sense but it may help to straighten my brain. Anyone reading this will think I'm mad, schizophrenic, obsessed and odd but it's only the internal thoughts most people have (I hope) but don't ever externalise.

Most people view me as cool, logical, 'the sensible one' if only they knew the turmoil in the brain. A typical Gemini, can see all sides at once. That brings it own chaos though.

But I digress.

I met SR at the airport I fly from in August 2005. He was there on his bike looking cool and sexy. Not handsome but with an air of control and command. He knew what he wanted and was going to get it. We flirted and verbally sparred and agreed to meet up that evening and go to the beach. I drove as I wanted to be in control of what happened. (sensible see!)

We went to the beach - it rained, we got soaked and I have probably not laughed as much before or since. I resisted his physical advances for all of 3 weeks! When we did get together it was fantastic! The best lover I have ever had, ok I admit it, he was the best.

The next few months were magical. New Year in particular, I will always smile when I hear Dr Hook's 'love you a little bit more' we danced all night and it was just - magical.

Things started to get cooler in the March. At the end of the month he said that he needed more and it was not fair on me to continue as he wanted to experience 'other women'.

We remained close friends and still had an occasional physical relationship but I knew he was seeing other women. I tried to be 'adult' about it but it hurt. I didn't want to lose him altogether.

I even arranged dates. One of which I cancelled as I was going out of the door as he needed me to help with a problem with his daughter who was being a spoilt brat. He controlled everything I did still.

We went to a bank holiday garden show together and he boasted of how he was 'shagging a Thai girl' it broke my heart as I knew something. I was pregnant.


Because of a pre-existent condition I knew I could not carry the baby. I had a decision to make, try, and risk us both or have an abortion. He favoured the abortion as he did not want more kids. He also would rather have me alive than dead. We still spent a lot of time together.

We had a beautiful day out on the Sunday, we went to a horticultural society, even got erm, interesting in the reeds :)

That night after I went home, I got pains in my stomach and lost the baby at 1am. To the strains of Elvis Presley's 'in the ghetto'. SR loved Elvis. I told him in the morning and he was very caring. I just dealt with everything myself.

Within 3 weeks he had met and was dating L. He told me she was just a fling nothing serious. We continued seeing each other and having sex but not as often.

In the August he helped me landscape my garden. That's when our relationship turned. He had had previous D/s relationships and one balmy afternoon it happened. I realised what had been missing in my life and why my relationships had been somehow wrong. We explored this for the next few months. I still got frustrated when he was seeing her. He always said she was not permanent. I was his no 1. I won every time. He said.

I knew there were other too but ignored it. I did get jealous.


In the November L found out about me and gave him an ultimatum. He chose her. She had threatened all sorts and was going through lots of shit at home. He came - told me and walked away.

The baby was due in December and i really needed him. I hadn't told anyone because of his kids. He thought it best they didn't know. At that point I needed someone though. He ignored me. I went through it alone and felt myself going into depression again. I was seeing a new guy, rebound! I couldn't and indeed have not told him. His daughter rang me again, again she was in trouble, I dropped everything and sorted her out, again he said he was grateful but that was it, we haven't spoken since. I wished him a happy new year and L replied on his phone (he is not even allowed to carry his mobile now!) They are still together. I saw him and her a few weeks ago, he was bellowing at her. He really does have anger problems.

He tried to hit me twice, once when I told him I was pregnant and once when I got upset when he told me it was over. His ex-wife had warned me about this.

He was a very selfish man at times. He always said that he had been married for 20 years and so now would do what he wanted when he wanted. This meant that I could never plan and he often let me down at the last minute. L is as selfish as he is. She is even always flirting with a friend of mine. So really they deserve each other.
I think my current confusion stems from the fact that he awoke something in me that I did not previously know, and as soon as I discovered it it was taken away. So I'm back living a 'normal' lifestyle having realised that it was not for me.

Strangely enough, he is living a vanilla life too.

I loved him in a way but many is the time I thought of ending it because of his behaviour. It hurts because he ended it not me. It hurts because of the baby. It hurts because I still have to pass his house to get to work. It hurts because I feel like I'm in the wrong as he won't communicate. It hurts because L gloats. It hurts because he lied and said it would be over soon and he is still with her. It hurts because of the harsh look he had on his face as if to say 'so what? you never meant anything to me anyway.'

But now it is over, long over, never to be repeated and I have to put him in that box. I don't know what label to put on it. 'Mistake' seems harsh, 'experience' is probably more appropriate.

Remember the saying, people enter your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, so which one was he. I think his reason must have been to open my eyes to who I am. It is now up to me to follow the path or not.

Home again

Well the Easter weekend went well. Coffee Man and I spent quality time together, went out for dinner, visited my parents yesterday and went to Rye today. All in all a lovely time. And every single day my mind was on SR. It was exactly 5 months since the break up on Thursday and 5 months since I started seeing Coffee Man yesterday. Yes I know i jumped in too quick. I said that at the time.

I don't know why I keep thinking of him, good times and bad. I wish I could stop though. I tried to put him to the back of my thoughts. Coffee Man and I are planning a long weekend in Amsterdam next month, possibly for my birthday.

I must move on, as an old colleague used to say "the past is a foreign country, they do things different there!"

4 Days off :)

Today was so slow in the office, it dragged on and on and on but at last it is the long weekend. Yippee.

The man came round to measure for the conservatory tonight, so he is coming back with a quote next week. Coffee Man is coming up here tomorrow and all is well with the world. I am spending the break with him so I won't be around until next week. So happy easter, have fun!!!

Cold again!!!

I was working from home today as I had to wait in for a surveyor to come and look at my ceiling. He was worried it was asbestos but that is looking unlikely.

I seem to have spent the day up to my eyeballs in spreadsheets today, whenever anyone needs anything slightly different creating it is usually my job, comes from being a sad geek I suppose (giggle)

Coffee Man was at a funeral again today, 2nd one in a month, so he is a little low. I'll give him a call soon and check that he is ok.

I rang a firm to give me a quote on a conservatory too today, I will get this house sorted if it kills me (and if it is asbestos it may well do!!)

Pampered

It took me 5 hours to drive to Coffee Man's on Friday as I was at the other end of the country almost so I was weary when I arrived.

He was waiting for me with a cup of tea, how well he knows me! After that he poured me a glass of red wine, led me upstairs to the bathroom to where a very hot bath awaited (now I know why he told me to ring him when I was close!) all bubbles and scented oils, candles lit and scenting the air. Also in the bathroom was a bouquet of tulips, my favourite flower. After a good long soak and unwind I joined him downstairs where he had made a very light supper, knowing that I can't eat a proper meal late at night.

It was the perfect end to a hectic week. When he is like this he is so thoughtful and it is hard to reconcile him with the man that doesn't realise the power of his words and actions to hurt me.

I came home this morning for my gym class and to return the favour I am about to cook him a Sunday roast. He will be here in 2.5 hours, then we are going to the cinema to watch a film that I have been looking forward to and he has been hoping I would forget. Definitely a girly feel good film!