Merry Christmas

That time of year again. Well Chistmas is well and truly upon us. Time to head down to my folks and be the single daughter again. E has his family around him so I shan't see him until the weekend. We will talk daily though.

I hope that everyone has a peaceful Christmas and a Happy New Year.

The end of Summer

The clocks went back at 2am this morning, all bar my body clock that is, so I have left E sleeping upstairs, He was working yesterday and was very tired.

So I have completed lots of (quiet) chores and the house is as it should be.

The end of a period always makes me stop and consider. When the clocks went forward I was still with CM (he rang on Friday, we talked for an hour, mainly about the other woman -his 'best friend' who still dominates his life) I was still very hung up on SR, I was missing the Dutchman. Truth be told I still miss the Dutchman. He is one of those guys that will always be in in my mind I think.

And now? I have met E, I am in a place in my mind that is calm and relaxed. It is the 1st anniversary of the eruption with SR next weekend and yet I am calm. I can see just how many things were wrong in that relationship and yet I hung on and tried to make it work. I must do some research - I can't remember who the patron saint of lost causes was but I'm sure I must have had an eye to her!

I am heading off to the gym soon, not sure why as I already feel bruised and battered from yesterday's session (gym not E)((although I do have a tingle and a redness to my rear that I cannot put down to the treadmill))

I have put on 7 pounds this last 2 months (ish) through non-attendance and working away so I need to get that back off again. E has promised to help and set me targets to work to. I weigh in on a Saturday and if it is only me looking it is a case of 'bugger must try harder next week' if E is watching He will set me tasks to do that He knows I hate in order to spur me on to the extra session in the gym or the healthy food choice.

I also know however that I will be rewarded for a loss as was demonstrated last night when He gave me a preview. I know however that there will be no repetition until I have lost 2 pounds!

That man knows how to motivate a girl! Time to get ready and take His tea before I go.

Still lax

Yes I know I know, I read another post today and it commented on how sometimes there is just no compulsion to blog.

One of the reasons I started my blog was to empty my brain of all those thoughts that clutter it up and cloud your judgement. Borne of sadness and confusion. Even when I was seeing Coffee Man I continued to blog, there was still something missing, since meeting E life seems more complete. I feel relaxed and comfortable, the feelings that SR stirred have been fulfilled.

I was skating on the extremes of a secret world, now I have been given the key. I feel like I have been given the most wondrous gift in the world.

Work is busy, frantic even and yet I feel calm, I know that the minute I clock off I am His and have just one responsibility and that is Him.

I never expected to feel this treasured, like a piece of fragile crystal does that seem strange? It is a wonderful feeling.

Examined

Well I completed my 2 exams today so fingers crossed I did ok. The results are due back in December just in time for Xmas!

E has been great dealing with my pre-exam stress out too. Even testing me on theories and models.

So what is E like, lovely? No I shouldn't say that, makes him sound very un dom like.

He is just under 6' tall (that's very tall compared to me!) He has lovely almost black hair with perhaps a few wispy grey bits creeping in (He blames me for them), he is 42 (single - just in case anyone was wondering - Rosie.....) he has broad broad shoulders and a tattoo on his upper right arm. His voice is to die for- very home counties English (think Hugh Grant?) and the deepest blue grey eyes. Piercing in fact.


He has been in the lifestyle for 15 years or so, so a lot more experienced than me, but because of that he is very gentle, persistent but gentle. Gradually bringing new experiences to me, not so quick that i run like a startled rabbit though.


All in all, life is still good!

Update

Thngs are still going well. I'm settling in to E's routines and life seems strangely calm and placid.

I do have exams on Wednesday which I am approaching with trepidation but, I hate exams. If I fail it will not be from lack of study. At the moment things are in my brain. Whether they still will be when I sit down I don't know.

e has been encouraging me and being very supportive.

Work has been frantic with so much driving this week. Traffic has been horrendous.

Me?

I came 0ut as altruist,E came out as Sentry - (so true!!) So what about you???

Very lax indeed

As I have been reminded it has been 8 days since I last posted (that sounds like I am reliving my Catholic past doesn't it - 8 days since my last confession....)

It has been an extremely busy 8 days, in fact I could say that I have been somewhat tied up :)

So what has been happening? Revision mainly, working up to the exams in 2 weeks time, working hard at my main job, and getting to know E.

I feel like I have known him forever and ever, he seems to understand my every thought, fear and need. He is the first person I speak to in the morning and the last I speak to at night. When I go to the wardrobe to choose what to wear, my thoughts are what would he like to see me in. My usually hyper personality is calm. Things that would rile me leave me untouched.

Life is good.

Busy day

I started early this morning and went to the gym. I came home and cracked on with my revision. I finished the last of the modules last night. So I have my revision plan all mapped out for what I need to do before the 10/10.

E came over for dinner last night, and we had a really lovely night, I cooked his favourite meal and dessert, he brought the wine with him and we sat and talked and played until about 2am. He had to go into work first thing so we left together.

I won't see him again until Monday as we both have things to do tomorrow. I have to write an essay of things i want to try and things that worry me and things that are strictly off limits before then. (Any suggestions on things to try would be gratefully received, I'm feeling very unimaginative today - too much economics study!!)

Wednesday

I worked from home today as there was so much to do and it was easier to do it without interruptions. As a result it's all done and only 5.45. yay!


I'm trying to get the last of my college books done too so that I can concentrate on the exams next month. 3 more modules. I should get another one done tonight. Hopefully it will be revision time from Saturday.

Ok milla, just for you - I met E at a local munch some time ago but the time was not right. We bumped into each other about 5 weeks ago got chatting and things had changed at his end. So, we started talking lots and made it official last week.

I am falling into routine so easily it's as if he has been around for years. Already I am taking his thoughts into consideration when i am doing anything, I'm not seeing him tonight, and I'm missing him already.

Smiles - happy and sub again!!

Ok ok so it wasn't macrame! Shibari - macrame hey it's almost the same, isn't it?

I feel like I've come home with E. There has been so much discussion taking place to ensure it is right and we are finding out about each other, likes and dislikes, limits etc.

I'm having limits set and he has placed reminders for me of my training. It's going to be a slow process but it feels right.

We are going to Birmingham for BBB next month, the next one is next Sunday but prior engagements are not conducive.



In other news i have only one more workbook to do to complete module. Exams are starting to loom and I'm getting jumpy!

Knot my usual Wednesday night

So, He is into macrame? I spent an interesting evening learning the basics of knots and methods of restraint.

I never realised how beautiful it could be and how sophisticated the skill. How balanced and co-ordinated it had to be.

I'm learning lots!

Slowly slowly

He rang last night, we were on the phone for over 2 hours again. Our working lives are similar and although he is local to me, work takes him away for long periods.

He makes me laugh and provokes thoughts that have never entered my consciousness.

I have remained quiet until now as, well, you know my luck, I wanted to be sure. This is the first time I have knowingly entered into a D/s relationship. With discussion and decisions made, I feel nervous, a little scared, excited, a whole plethora of emotions. Is that normal?

He has been totally open with me, and it feels more contractual right now than emotional as he wants me to be sure. I always thought that there was something missing in my 'normal' relationships and I suppose now we will know.

Wish me luck....

Nervous anticipation

I have met someone with whom I am in discussion. Not just anyone, but someone whom I have been getting to know and trust over a period of time.

He has similar life interests and is interested in a journey together.

There is no formal arrangement as yet, we will get to understand each other more first.

But fingers crossed......

School day

I had an assessment today at uni and passed! Don't know what score I got yet but at least it was a pass. I also got some advice on the assignment where I wasn't sure if I was on the right track.

I'm feeling really really tired today, I've not slept well recently, I'm not sure why it just seems I'm keep waking through the night. I've tried milky drinks and warm baths, early nights, reading before I turn out the light all sorts but still I'm restless.Hopefully it is just a phase.

Lunch

I went to lunch with SR's daughter and her boyfriend in their new home today. The first time we have really really chatted since the break up. She assured me it was safe as he had taken her to France for the weekend!

I tried to avoid her father's name coming up but she brought it up first. Primarily because she hates his new girlfriend (she calls her the witch) apparently she is really smug about 'winning' him. What she doesn't know and his daughter does is that he is also having intimate relations with a married woman. (snigger)

She feels forced out of her own home by this woman and her kids, she came home from uni (expected) to find her sons in her bedroom and no room for her in her own home. Her father defends the witch (as she shall henceforth be known) even before his own kids. The youngest daughter goes out drinking until 3am in the morning 3 times a week and barely scraped through her GCSEs. I am worried about her but can't do anything, her father ignores it whilst it does not interfere with his life.

I met his ex-wife once after a problem with the youngest last year, funnily enough I found out today that we actually have a mutual appreciation society. Odd huh?

So today was quite enlightening. I walked to the shop with the boyfriend whilst daughter no 1 made lunch, I got the unbiased side from him, he really hates SR for what he did to me. My next problem though is their house warming party, they want me to go but He will be there with the witch. What do I do???

giggles

Too much red wine!

I went to the gym today - a little easier than yesterday. Then went and had my hair cut.

Couldn't be bothered to cook tonight so I got a takeaway and a bottle of red. How bad is that?

Friday

I went to the gym for the first time this week, I only did half what I normally do and the sweat was just pouring out of me. I guess the bug is still with me.

I only have one part of my assignment left to do but I just could not get motivated today. I had a look at the assessment for next week though and put some thoughts together.

I did get the grass cut and the edges strimmed in the garden though. I thought I would get out there in the brief dry interlude.

I keep thinking of SR again today, I don't know why, probably the thought of the weekend looming in front and the knowledge she is there. I wish I could just get over this, it is so annoying. How long does it take for goodness sake???? I get so annoyed with myself. His daughter has asked me to visit her in her new home on Sunday. Be nice to catch up with her and her boyfriend.

Inspiration

I cracked on with my assignment today and got loads done which is good. I seemed to be able to get all the diagrams right and the models I needed just when I needed them. That rarely happens so hopefully it bodes well!

I still need to find a load of info out though. There is always tomorrow.

It didn't even get light today, been bathed in murky rainclouds all day! So much for summer!

Got a check up at the Drs tomorrow , only blood pressure and weight eeeeek

Still missing my Dutchman

Tuesday again!

Lax again.

Ok, so what has been occurring? I've been working hard all last week, going to the gym, and thinking.

I think too much I know, sometimes I should just let things be.

The dork made contact yesterday and we actually ended up having a bit of a laugh. No hopes are being held out there though.

SR's daughter made contact today, things have become unbearable in the family home with Him and the woman who was not going to be around for long and who is still there. She has asked me to go for dinner on Sunday.

I went to see Shrek today, it was funny. I went with my brother, he is as big a kid as me.

Oh and I have caught a cold, typical huh?

That's all folks!

Tuesday already?

Well, owing to any other outlet I have been throwing myself into the gym, full workout both yesterday and today. I put on 3 pounds last week (eeeekk how did that happen?) so I'm determined to get them off this.

Got my assignment results back, I passed, not a good pass but hey, it was a pass. I try to get more than that in the assignment as it gives me more scope for failure in the exam. I'm rubbish under exam conditions.

I really should be starting the next one now though.....

The wanderer returns!

It has been such a busy week. I've been working in the south west most of last week and then returned home via foot and mouth country.

Work went well though, got everything done that needed to be done.

Had my mother's birthday party yesterday, as usual I was on my best behaviour. Always the way with my family get togethers. I am designated driver and there for everyone else to be smug about. The single daughter - the failure!

The man on the periphery turned out to be a dork. Nothing ever works out in my love life. I should have known better.

A bit lax

I've been really short on time this week with one thing and another so I thought I would catch up now.


I picked up my gym stats for last month today:


Workouts:

CV Time: 16:21:11

CV Calories: 10355

Weight [kgs.]: 65,116

Not bad huh? have to see what next months are like, although I won't get there this week.

I am going to be away most of the week this week coming and doubt if I will have access at all to anything,internet or gym!

Update no 2:


Still not squealing but there is a new man wandering into the periphery of my life right now. He is away this weekend and I'm away next week. Isn't that just typical? He is making me feel good about myself though and making me smile and rush home to talk to Him.

I think that is all to report right now - still don't want to put the mockers on anything....

Life goes on - being a flirt :)

I've been away this week and just got home, I think I'm turning into a tart. It was a beautiful day and I had a spring in my step, a car park full of salesman and I could feel the eyes following as I sashayed past. Why is it that some days you've got it and some days you haven't? And why is it I only ever have it when I'm 200 miles from home with no chance of a follow up??

And yes ok, I may have a date on the horizon which has given me the spring in the first place. Not going to put the mockers on it by saying any more. And no I have not forgotten the Dutchman but it's been nearly 3 months with no word.

Even if he does contact me, I can't trust him not to vanish. So, life goes on.

Got an owie!

The weather was quite blustery this morning and as I loaded up the car the boot lid came down and hit me on the forehead :-(

I've already got a bruise formed, it's a good job I have a fringe!

So now I'm sat here listening to Olivia NJ's 'hopelessly devoted to you', Abba's 'one of us', Air Supply's 'all out of love' not to mention Damien Rice's 'cheer's darling' see what a bump on the head does to you?

I'm feeling guilty for my arseholes to the lot of em statement, in case something has indeed happened so just in case.

JB, Ik hou heel veel van je en mis je ontzettend

(hopefully I got the spelling right...I took it from an old text)

Tuesday

Still tired!

I was up and on the road early, did a presentation then straight to the gym. Up until yesterday, this month I have burned the equivalent of 99 apples in cardio and lifted 24 elephants. Not bad huh?

Did another 400 calories and 4536 kgs today.

I will get fit, the weight is not shifting though, what more can I do? Any suggestions?

Not a peep out of Dutchman or Coffee Man story of my life. I don't care. Arseholes to the lot of em!!!

Saturday

Coffee Man is coming for lunch today........





Well, he came, we had lunch, I admit we both flirted, there were many meaningful looks, we had lunch, he stayed 3 hours, kissed me and left.

I really don't know how I feel or what to do. Am I feeling lonely and clutching at straws? Have I lost all hope of ever hearing from the Dutchman?

I just don't know....

Memory

Do you ever get the feeling you have forgotten something? Something important? I've been like that all day today, just waiting for the you know what to hit the fan because I've missed something....

I had a bit of a catch up day though which was good, my brain is reeling from compiling all the data I need for next week's meeting. If I see one more excel spreadsheet I shall not be responsible for my actions!

I was back at the gym today - day 3 on the trot. And I managed to get my size 12 trousers on (does a happy dance)

Snoozy

I was working in London today but it actually turned out to be quite a short day. I went to the gym, back to the office to finish work then home. For the second day running I came home, sat down for '5 minutes' and woke up half hour later.

I am really really tired at the minute. I'm waking up too early so by now I've had it!

Must be the early morning sunshine - or the seagulls that insist on screeching outside of my open bedroom window......

Still no word from Holland :(

Welcome to the dark side....

I had to smile today, anyone reading this must think I'm a right miserable cow, bordering on manic depressive. One of my colleagues saw me trotting across the precinct from the office window and her first words to me were "you know you are always so cheerful and and got a smile on your face, what's your secret?" if only she knew what a miserable mare I am (giggle)

Reminds me of Rosie's recent enquiry about horoscopes and my comment on schizophrenia - you know I think I was only half joking. Whenever I have been at my lowest in life, and there have been a couple of really dark dark times, friends and particularly work colleagues have never known. I've always managed to hide it behind the little miss sunshine routine.

I can usually fool myself too, the more chirpy and happy I act the more it does rub off. I think I use this as an outlet sometimes just to get rid of the destructive thoughts and gain perspective on the situation.

It's funny in a warped sort of way but I spend some of my free time talking to people who are in despair and contemplating taking their own lives. They never know that I have been there and had it not been for an accident of fate I wouldn't be here now. I've lost count of the flowers and cards that have been sent to the office I work from over the years thanking me for helping them get through. The stories they tell can be so very sad sometimes. It makes you realise the blessings you have in life. It should be me thanking them for showing me that the things that engulf me are petty and small. I am embarrassed sometimes that I am so selfish.

Exhausted!

I was in the gym early this morning and did my full circuit with some increased weight and I stepped up the cardio too, I was absolutely dripping by the time I had finished (nice visual huh?)

I came home and started work here, I laid a 40sq ft patio, restacked the 10 20kg bags of sand I still have left over - ready to lay slabs on the other side of the garden, and mowed the lawn.

Oh I lost one pound too! :)

I've probably put it back on though as I was starving after all that and cooked a Chinese. Less fattening than a takeaway but still not salad!


I'm still thinking about SR, or more truthfully about His current girlfriend, the one He told me would not be around for long. She is there this weekend again. Like she is every weekend.

I suppose I'm feeling lonely, all my friends are hooked up and doing activities with partners and kids, and yes there is an open invitation but I feel the odd one out.

What did I do so wrong that I am still on my own. Even the bastard has her.

shrugs

Back to normal!

The queasiness past and I'm back to normal now, I don't know where that came from.

I had a productve day today, kept getting these flashes of inspiration, the boss loves me now! Keeps me below the parapet a while longer.

I went to the gym and did my circuit and came home and made a mackerel salad. More salad! Yuk!

SR is still playing on my mind, the Dutchman is still missing. Nothing ever changes.

Feeling icky!

That's it really, got a headache and an upset stomach. I never get an upset stomach :(

Too late now

Well, I've just posted the assignment off, I held fire because I wanted to check the cost benefit analysis out, I'm glad I did as I've been able to put more detail in.

I got 75% in the assessment yesterday, still a credit but not as good as last year's. But hey, as long as I pass. I would rather have got higher though. But it was a credit still.

I went to the gym today and half killed myself. It's not doing any good though, I'm eating like an anorexic rabbit and exercising my socks off but still the weight is not coming off.

What more can I do?

One down 3 to go!

I went to the gym again today, two days running, I won't get there tomorrow though as it is my kid brother's birthday so I shall go and see him.

I came back, fell asleep on the sofa, ooops!

On waking - confused and bewildered I cracked on and finished my assignment. I have an assessment tomorrow too :(

I think I'll be winging it.

I'm going to have a chill out evening now, I'm really tired, don't know why?

Still no word from the Dutchman :(

I'm halfway there.....

When I Am Old I Shall Wear Purple

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple

With a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me.

And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves

And satin sandals, and say we've no money for butter.

I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired

And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells

And run my stick along the public railings

And make up for the sobrietry of my youth.

I shall go out in my slippers in the rain

And pick flowers in other people's gardens

And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat

And eat three pounds of sausages at a go

Or only bread and pickles for a week

And hoard pens and pencils and beer mats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry

And pay our rent and not swear in the street

And set a good example for the children.

We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now?

So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised

When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

~Jenny Jacobs ~

Italicized parts are where I am practising now!

Good news / bad news

Well, despite 1500 people in between and his meeting being in another building, I found a certain someone by my desk. As the door is nearby and he had not walked past and when he left he went straight out, would I be wrong to assume he sought me out?

We got chatting, I didn't flirt, although I was accused of 'twinkling' today, but then I had been 'twinkling' since I walked in the door so nobody put 2 and 2 together.

I (subtlely I think) asked how his journey home had been. He had not got back until late either, so I asked if his dinner was ready as he walked in the door, he laughed and said you don't know my gf! Damn damn damn! He then gave me a 'look' and smiled. I blushed.

He then invited me to his site and offered to take me out for lunch. Our areas never collide, there is never a need for my dept to interact with his.

So what was I to do but accept!

He kissed my cheek goodbye (not uncommon within the organisation) and my colleague came over and stated that she didn't realise that we knew each other, (they work together often) I told her that we had only met the day before to which she complained that she never got a kiss goodbye and they'd known each other years.

It is such an odd situation. He has such a D personality and the s in me just bows down to it.

What the hell happened there?????

Ok, an odd post from me but it's been a funny, odd, nice day. there are a couple of things that are needed to explain it though and put it into context.

I have always been a sucker for tall (6'4"ish), blond men. Blue eyed, broad shouldered. Good physique, no face furniture. Within 5 years or so of me in age. I am very predictable and rarely look twice at any other. If I do, then it is tall dark and handsome!!

I wasn't looking forward to the day, I was acting as exec support for a regional manager. Sitting there, smiling, reinforcing what he was saying to his team. I knew I had a 200 mile journey after this long meeting and I knew that it would be my second trip round rush hour London. (It took me 2.5 hours just to get there and then a further 4 to my hotel!)

Now, to just set the scene, my work persona is a million miles to my off duty. I have always worked in a man's world, usually the only woman. I am seen as tough, in control, decisive, authoritative, possibly even authoritarian, I am 100% confident when I speak they shut up and listen, I am (I believe) well respected. If I go into one of the 300 sites and say "please change that" it gets changed. I'm not saying this to puff myself up and I hope it doesn't sound arrogant, it's just the way it is, what I trained for years for. My nickname (so I've heard) is the ice-maiden as they can't get their own way by flirting with me.

So today, I'm prepared for a non too thrilling day.

There was to be a guest speaker, one to whom I have spoken but never met. He works out of the welsh main office.

He greeted me with the standard professional handshake and as he smiled - he looked me in the eyes and I felt nervous.

He is the same grade as me, not senior - no reason at all for this reaction.


He gave his talk, and every time he looked over, I hope I gave the cool professional smile that I reserve for guest speakers.

During the break, he came over to talk to me. In the next 5 minutes I knew his (professional) life story and a few of his hobbies. (We share one) I was almost interviewing him.

I was so darn nervous it is untrue.

The rest of the team went back through to the conference room, he was now leaving so as the regional manager was setting up his presentation, it was only courteous of me to do the formal "thank you and safe journey" part. I proffered my hand for the formal handshake, which he took in both of his, and held, enclosed, for a moment or 10 longer than the normal formal handshake. Nobody has ever done that to me in a professional scenario. I couldn't meet his gaze. Normally I am the queen of eyecontact, yet he held my gaze to the point I had to look down.

He left with a "goodbye lovely"

I was at work, and in work mode. This man had me feeling that I should be kneeling in front of him and waiting for instruction.

I wanted to be kneeling in front of him.

He is about 5'8", with a bit of a belly, and a goatee beard. Late 40s early 50s. Glasses, (doesn't wear them all the time) and tattoos.

So far opposite the type of man that physically attracts me it is untrue! He is however amazingly intelligent and fluent in 5 languages. Ex-special forces. Probably how he commanded my attention?

He is also working from the same building as me tomorrow (so are 1500 other people so I doubt I'll see him)

This does not happen to me at work.

Blimey!


Oh and no word from the Dutchman

I wish I knew!!!

Today was SR's daughter's birthday so I rang to wish her a happy birthday. First time I have spoken to her since the Xmas incident. She seemed to be happy to hear from me?

Long pause


Thoughtful silence


Someone has accessed Dutchman's e-mail as the mail I sent early last month was read. I've sent another asking to know if he is alive or not. Perhaps I shouldn't have??


Confused

Back to work

I had little flashes of inspiration today for my assignment so that is promising - time is running out!

Got chronic PMT, well I think it's PMT, better than saying I'm a miserable cow for no reason.

Went to the gym again today. Three days running again. Yay.

Grump!


God I'm so boring!

Shrugs

Well, Coffee Man, as ever had other priorities crop up so he didn't visit. In all honesty I didn't expect him too. After all I do live 40 odd miles from him and that would involve him putting himself out. It would also take him too far away from his beloved friend.

On a more difficult personal note, instead of texts to the Dutchman bouncing back undelivered after three days, it bounced straight back yesterday. When I rang it the message declared that I had dialled an incorrect number. His phone is now out of service. He's not at home. I can only assume he is in Holland or dead.

I'm hurting pretty bad at this. I've been all 'oh whatever' about the situation. Very much if it's going to happen it will. And yes I know he has done this before but that doesn't make it any easier if in three months time he turns up again. I'm in bits with it all.

I can't get to grips with my uni assignment. It just reads really twee and not enough external references that I can get to fit despite having read tons for it.

What a totally shit weekend, and I know I have so much in my life to be thankful for. But, ... oh I don't know, I need to shake myself out of it.

Shattered

After a 16 hour day yesterday culminating with a drive through the flood zones, it was a repeat performance today but without the drive.

After a full day I discovered that one of my colleagues has booked a meeting tomorrow different to the one scheduled. He always does this to me as he knows that I will put in all the hours god sends just so he can't be smarmy and patronising.

It always seems to be an I lose he wins situation, the man is a twonk!

Coffee man may be coming over Saturday, to see the new car and conservatory.... I'll leave that train of thought there, I don't know where to take it.

Dutchman is still missing...........

Networking

I had a little bit of a different day today, I had to visit a supplier and do the networking thing, it was a nice change to the normal. Back in hi-vis jackets and steel toe capped shoes. Not quite my normal suit and heels.

I popped back to the office and sorted out a new pc programme that one of the guys requested, I'm getting quite good at programming.

Came home and wrote a letter to the builders, I'm still waiting for a cheque that has been in the post for a fortnight!

In between times another visit to the gym, I lost a pound today , yay!!!

Oh, and hayfever stinks!

Productive day? No!

The day started really well today, I got loads done this morning and then the engineer arrived to do what was a simple job. Wrong! He took the whole broadband and rf system down, so from 2.30 I was twiddling my thumbs. At least all the filing is done now though. I didn't need a pc for that.

I went to the gym this evening and did circuit training. Everything hurts now and my inhaler has never been used as much. So that is 4 successive gym days, still not lost any weight though :(

Still no word from the Dutchman either.

Whirlwind

I awoke in one of those moods today. I had the bed stripped and laundered and all of the other bits and pieces washed and on the line. I went to the gym again (2 days running) came home and cleaned the house top to bottom, I spoke to my parents who were driving home from their holiday and invited them to dinner and then prepared a 3 course meal for them (and my brother who has been fending for himself for a week and was looking malnourished.)

So, I'm now tired and happy and off to bed.

Drying off

Made it home from Wales via Somerset, guess which idiot booked an appointment in deepest darkest Somerset when the Glastonbury festival is just starting. I spent the morning swamped by multi coloured Volkswagon camper vans. Made me smile though even if I was a little late. Oops!!

Then I decided to compound it by driving home. I set the sat nav and trundled off, right past Stonehenge during the summer solstice...... hmmmm, is someone up there trying to tell me I live life at too much of a rush?

I got home and did all of my laundry, hung it out and got it almost dry, pretty good since the last three days have been spent dodging torrential rain and mudslides.

I'm trying to be positive. Dutchman has done this before and then after I have given up hope I get a phone call as if nothing has happened.

I'm trying to concoct a plan for if he does. What do I do? What do I do?

I've said before that he is such a livewire, unpredictable, crushingly embarrassing in his openess, totally the opposite to the secure, safe guy I need in my life. But he has always given me butterflies, the type of thrill you get from something dangerous. Can I see myself walking into the sunset i my twilight years? Probably not. This is all probably irelevant, he may never return.

Welsh Wales

I had a great weekend with my parents, Cumbria and Yorkshire are beautiful places, so rugged and unspoilt. I love seeing my parents together, they have a wonderful relationship but it just emphasised the fact that I felt really lonely this weekend. I've still not heard fom the Dutchman.

I'm scared something has happened.

I'm in Wales, the connection here is awful, very frustrating but I feel that way about everything today, like PMT but not.

The place is lovely though, very wet and wild.

Busy day

The day started very unsettled, I woke with a start, I had been dreaming that I was at some form of a dinner party in the middle of the street, I'm not sure where it was but the architecture was fabulous. Next thing I know I'm reading a letter or an e-mail, I'm not sure which, it was from the Dutchman saying that he had met someone and he was not coming back - ever, I ran away in tears and that's when I woke, still upset.

I pulled myself together and the workmen arrived. The conservatory is all finished now. It looks good. I brought the big desk downstairs (all by myself!) and laid the flooring too. It's really taken shape now.

I then went to the gym and did a couple of classes. I did bodybalance, bodyattack and bodypump. I now feel body weary!

I'm away with my parents at a family do this weekend then straight to Wales so I may be a while!

Still no word, I'm off to bed.

I think I'm going to die!

I've just had my gym programme review. Did I insult that man's mother? I look like a beetroot, I'm wobbling like a mad cow and starved, I have this craving for a squidgy cream cake!

I've just flumped to write this and Coffee Man text, first time in weeks so I've answered him, very light and airy.

The conservatory is lacking it's windows and roof but the framework is there. I've been out and got some flooring too.

I've pulled together some information for my assignment so all is well with the world, well almost. Still no word from the Dutchman :(

Grump!

The builders finally arrived at 11am, I had rang their office at 9.30 and was told they were on their way and should be no later than 10. They had a chat and a fag and started work at 11.30. After their lunch break, they came to tell me that they would be back tomorrow as they would not have time to finih the back of the house. This was at about 3pm. They left at 3.30. Now had they got on with it and it took the same amount of time as the front (there was less to do so technically should not have taken that long) then they would have finished by now. They are forecasting rain for the rest of the week. They cannot work in the rain obviously and I have taken the week off work. What's the chances of them finishing this week? Slim, very slim or non-existant. The problem is if you say anything it will take twice as long as they prove the point, grrrrrrr. So frustrating!

I started to look at the assignment today. Yuk! shall be making phone calls this week I think for assistance,

He still has not rang :(

Disjointed day

I had a lie in this morning, I was so tired and didn't get up until 8.30, very late! Then I went to the gym to my new class.

I picked up some glazing stuff for the shed, the window cracked in bad weather a couple of weeks ago. Then I popped down to see my parents.

I came home and put the new window in, feeling qite proud that I managed it all by myself.

And that was my day, boring huh?

Still no word!

Dopey day

I am so thick!

Today I trundled off to work in the torrential rain, though abominable traffic, found a parking space, went to get my laptop out of the back, only to discover I had forgotten it. So, I shot into work, picked up some papers I needed and went and worked from home for a couple of hours before going back in to photocopy and prep the stuff I needed.

I came home and moved 200 odd bricks, from the front of the house to the back and up a flight of stairs. I have now realised that where I had planned to start work is right where I have the great wall of England, positioned there by yours truly.

So, I've decided to give in and chill out. I did manage to finish my last uni workbook though!!! Yeah!!! (yes I know - girly girly swot swot)

Still no word!

Coming out the other side

It's been a hard few days. But, resilience is key. I have two options, cope or don't. And as I am little miss fixit, the one to whom everyone turns when life falls apart, well, I have to cope don't I?

So I've spent a couple of days sulking, brooding, snivelling and feeling sorry for myself and now I need to pick myself up and sort myself out.

Brave words huh? Now I've just got to get on with it!

Still no word from the Dutchman

Breaking my heart

SR hasn't rung, or text, or e-mailed. Nothing to say I or the baby ever existed in His life. In fact He took my replacement - the one He was screwing around with out for dinner.

I'm sure they had a lovely time.

Why the hell can I not move on. I hate what He did to me. I hate the way He made me feel, I hate the fact that I let Him treat me that way. I never really really loved Him. But there is a string there I cannot cut. More than once I was going to leave Him, but He got in first. He hurt me so badly and yet I still crave His attention.

You must think I'm mad.

He is half the man (in all ways) that the Dutchman is. Don't get me wrong , I still love the Dutchman, I always have and probably always will, whatever happens. We had something magical. But there is some evil thread linking me to Him but not the other way round. If I died tomorrow He would just shrug.

I don't know if it was just the baby that makes me feel this way about Him? So many times over the last two days I have picked up the phone to call Him, I am so proud of myself that I haven't though.

Still no word from the Dutchman either. I had a really odd feeling this morning too at 7.15 that there had been a death somewhere, I'm just waiting to hear whose though. I wish he would just let me know he is ok. He's a bugger for doing this!

Miserable

Yet again my thoughts have been with SR today, thinking this time last year I was doing x,y,z.

The reason it is so fresh in my mind is that tomorrow is the anniversary of my last miscarriage. I remember that weekend so very well, He was so tender and caring, we had to make the decision whether to have an abortion (His preference) or trying to proceed with the pregnancy. Owing to a medical complication it would be an extremely problematical pregnancy. The decision was taken away. He bought me a plant on the day, a really unusual one, as a memorial, this was even before I lost the baby as the sensible thing to do was to have a termination. But we went out to the Royal Horticultural Gardens for the day and ended up in their nursery. He bought 2 identical plants, one for me and one for Him. I lost the baby at 1 am the following day. The funny thing is the plant is just coming into flower, it didn't flower for a couple of weeks last year but it is going to be at its height tomorrow. I wonder how His is doing?

Other than that I have spent the weekend doing chores around the house and garden, and lots of study. I had planned for 4 hours but I have done nearer 7.


I've still not heard from the Dutchman.

And then on a totally different subject....

Following a discussion on another blog (yes Stagger, I will work out how to link!!!)

A little history of personal, intimate domestic appliances guaranteed to reduce (induce?) hysteria in the gentle sex.


http://www.samsloan.com/vibrator.htm

Keeping the faith

Well, he promised we would have coffee this week and I've not heard from him since.

Now, I know he was driving to Holland on Friday, I know his dad is very unwell.

His texts have not been read and his phone is switched off. Now, if he was ignoring me the phone would ring and go to answer and not just straight to voicemail. Texts sent at various times at least one would get through.

Now if he was planning a quick trip it would be no surprise that he forgot his phone charger, it may even be flat.

See, rational, calm. Trying to stave off thoughts that I scared him off.

I've signed up to an 8 week programme at the gym starting Saturday week. That should keep my concentration off men,

Mutters

Big girly swat!

And then some!!! I'm not only completely up to date with my studies I've done a bit extra to make up for the fact that I know next week will be a struggle.

feeling smug - fat but smug.

I need to get my weight back under control. Since leaving CM I've put on half a stone ....eeeeeeeek!

A combination of working away and comfort eating. So I've been on the salad today, mmmm lovely (yuk yuk yuk)


a friend broke up from her man yesterday so we have been planning a little escape and girly treat. Should be fun.

I feel really random today.

Yesterday

I went for a coffee with a friend yesterday, or more honestly a friend of a friend, yes I was set up on a blind date.

We have similar interests, a geeky hobby, we spent approximately 5 hours talking about the geeky hobby, well he did, (I rarely even mention it on here so you can imaging that it is something I enjoy but am not anal about) the other couple of hours was mainly about him, the problem with women, and people watching, don't get me wrong, we had a laugh, discovered more mutual friends than I realised we had but he is not Mr Wright (yes there is a pun intended in the spelling - just think Orville)

One of the things he said he disliked in women was sarcasm, he may as well have left at that point, but he may become a friend further down the line, I thanked him for an interesting afternoon, I was very honest and explained that I was not physically attracted to him but found him interesting to chat with and a lively companion. I don't believe in letting people live in a hope that can never be fulfilled. That may be wrong of me but I would rather someone was honest with me so that I didn't sit waiting by a phone. (yes, I am! - waiting that is)

so on to today......



There were loads of things I had planned for yesterday but for obvious reasons they didn't get done so I cracked on today.

The first was to put a cover over my shed window which had broken in the weathers. I managed to do that in the weathers and somehow it is still on! It has been torrential rain and strong winds all day.

Then I sorted out all of the paperwork that has collected for the last x amount of time being put off and put off. It took ages, I really must keep on top of it.

Then I did a really thorough house clean, top to bottom.

Lastly it was time to catch up on my studies, I had to do 9 sessions to catch up as I have been remiss over the weekend, (well it was my birthday!)

I am quite pleased though as it is induction day at Uni tomorrow for the start of the new year and I have already done 7 workbooks with 4 left to do of the first module. If I can get it done before the first workshop it will leave me clear to concentrate on my assignment.

I want to try and maintain this through all 4 modules if I can. This will involve approximately 3 sessions per day every day. Not always feasible so sometimes I have to play catch up like today.

So now, it's time to chill......

Sunday

I've just got in from an afternoon coffee with a friend, hmm 7 hours, oops, I never did get all my chores done. It was an interesting afternoon though.

Good job tomorrow is a Bank Holiday.

I'm really tired and I have a headache now so I'm off to bed,

Home again

It's been another busy week again, running around all over the country. I seem to be living in the car at the moment.

I spoke to the Dutchman last night, we are meeting for coffee next week!!! I am nervous, scared, excited, apprehensive, more nervous..... It's been years since we split up and I don't know how I'm going to feel.

I'm planning on playing it cool, it's no big deal after all, 2 old friends meeting up for coffee. What can be simpler than that?

Home from the Netherlands

What a fab weekend! I just love Holland it is a wonderful place. The flowers were beautiful, the weather hot, the food --- interesting, the people friendly, or is that cheeky? I have decided that the Dutch are taught to twinkle at an early age! I always get stopped at the airport and frisked after I set the alarms off, (why I don't know) the Spanish don't have a sense of humour about it - the Dutch do, I had my phrasebook in my pocket and before I was allowed to go I was tested on my language skills.

My Dutchman text me whilst I was away to have a good weekend, when I got back I let him know with a text and asked if he missed me. Within minutes he was on the phone and asking how I got on. I had the giggles and left him in no doubt that were he there he would be in trouble!! He laughed and said he could tell I had been to Amsterdam. Still no nearer having a coffee though!

Friday!

I've been away all week so it's a quick turnaround tonight. we have to be at the airport for 3.25 am (yawn!)

Only away for the weekend but I'm having a real fret about everything going well. I don't have proper 'tickets' but the lady at the travel agent said that the booking confirmation she e-mailed me was sufficient. Until I have the boarding passes in my hnd I'm paranoid though.

Holland here we come!!!

(and yes, my Dutchman has been in contact all week - happy thoughts!)

Busy weekend

I had a flat out trying not to think sort of weekend.

I changed a couple of light switches, I didn't want to get the electrician back, after his telephone call to check whether I prefer Ms or Mrs on the invoice, he then went on to say that he only really rang because he loves talking to me, "my voice does things to him" eeeek!! He had already been far too tactile when he was here, I'm certainly not having him back if I'm home alone!!! So I changed them and they work and I didn't blow the house up.

I then did all the glossing that needed to be done, 18 sq metres of it. By Saturday night I was aching. I went to Pilates Sunday then straight to my sister's as it was my brother-in-laws birthday party.

All in all, I tried not to let my brain run loose.

It's the Dutchman's birthday today so I wished him a happy birthday early on. He complained of feeling old, bless him!

I'm away for the rest of the week so I'm not sure what connection I will have, always a mystery!

Decorating done (sort of)

Well, the decorator finished today, there's a couple of bits that I'm not happy with so I want to fiddle with them. (Perfectionist that I am!)

The Dutchman rang too. I must have been really sensitive today as his teasing got to me a bit. I must have gone quiet as he backed off and tried to reassure me. (I am so high maintenance?)

I don't mean to be high maintenance, but I think I must be. I can be really sensitive sometimes. I wish I could learn to just shrug things off and laugh.

The upshot of the conversation is he is planning to drop in and surprise me sometime, I told him I would rather know, what happens if he comes when I'm emptying the loft and all scruffy? I want our meeting (if it ever happens ) to be perfect, I want to look my best, have done all the girly stuff, you know the type of thing - not a stray hair anywhere! Be scrubbed up and sexy not in my sweats!


I feel really unsettled.

Madeleine

I've just been watching the news, it's absolutely heartbreaking. The 3 year old girl that was abducted last week, her mother is just being so brave, you can see her getting more and more gaunt every day and the way she implored the people who took her to not scare her or hurt her.... there are no words to describe the way that poor woman is feeling. I just hope and pray that the little girl is found safe and well and not scarred by the experience.

Gek

Don't ask how it happened but I have just booked a weekend in Amsterdam with my parents.

I don't know, one moment we were chatting, the next I was online booking it, there are bulb gardens in keukenhof that she wanted to see and in a moment of madness I said let's do it.

Holland here we come and no it's just a coincidence, and if we happen to meet crazy Dutch people to break her in gently then so be it. :)

I only know a couple of Dutch words gek=crazy, the first word i learned, in the context of ik ben gek over u (may have got the spelling and grammar wrong?)

and t'gaat, t'gaat as a reply to 'hoe gaat het met jij?'

Not mentioning the rude words (giggle) can't teach mother those!

Smiles

A watched phone never rings, but perhaps one you glance at once or twice might beep?
The Dutchman text this morning to say he was on his way home and then rang me from the port when he got back to Kent. We chatted for 20 minutes and as ever he wound me up, teased me, flirted, cared. I have such a maelstrom of emotions with this man. He has the knack of producing every emotion known to woman.

I hate it when he goes home as his accent is so thick when he returns, and combined with a mobile phone I sometimes struggle to understand him which he teases me for. He can be so juvenile one minute and the next he makes me feel like the only woman on earth. It would never last would it? And yet when I don't hear from him I feel like there is something missing. I don't know what to do with him for sanity. My family would hate him, they never did meet him when we were dating as I don't live on their doorstep. They hated SR as the Dutchman is zanier. He is very ...... continental. By that I mean he is blunt. My family is very English. We don't talk about anything important emotionally. Stiff upper lip, and I know that sounds old fashioned but it's the way my family are. If he wants to say something he does, if he thinks it he says it. That's how I know my family would not approve. Mentally he was always tender with me and if I was upset he was so gentle. He is a big flirt and I remember one time he took it too far. We were in a pub, and I just welled up (PMT) he took one look at my red eyes and was mortified and devoted 110% of his attention to me afterwards. He is totally anti-establishment and I'm quite a conformist.

Now, on the other side of the coin (literally) my other friend also made contact after his weekend away. On the surface my family would love him. He has a respectable job, a respectable sense of humour and would never embarrass me. (well, not in the same way) we met through a lifestyle group, and have faded in and out of each other's lives over the last 12 months or so. When I first found out about SR's interests I set out to find out more, this guy has acted as a mentor. He expressed an interest in taking it further when things went down the pan with SR. Then I met CM and fell back into a vanilla lifestyle and once more that did not work.
Does it sound strange that I am too independent and headstrong to have a vanilla relationship and yet I thrive in a D/s one?

We keep making arrangements to meet up and things keep thwarting us. I know I always say things happen for a reason, but if I'm using my head not my heart I feel that long term he is better for me. Perhaps I just need one last mad fling with the Dutchman to prove it though?

I sound like such a tart! I'm not...honest, well only when I'm told to be....

My decorator??

There you are Rosie, just for you, the Chuckle Brothers.

Bank Holiday

I wasn't sure if the decorators would be here or not today, the project manager had said they would, his secretary confirmed it, but the plasterers on Friday said that they wouldn't. They were right, so I washed my windows, (not the best idea I've had as they will be covered in dust by this time tomorrow when they start ripping out the hallway)

I'm working from home for the next few days whilst they do it so I'll be stir crazy by Friday. Noise, dust and interruptions. Pass the Valium!

The phone has been quiet again today.... but it's still early. (No Rosie ... I'm not watching it... honest!)

Same old Sunday

A normal boring Sunday, I went to the gym, came home, did the housework, changed the bed, washed the line, dried, ironed and back on the bed. Tidied, sorted out a cupboard.
Waited for the phone to ring, or beep, nothing :(


And so to bed

A Kiss

What Every Kiss Means
Body: ♥ Kiss on the stomach = I'm ready
♥Kiss on the Forehead = "I hope we're together forever"
♥Kiss on the Ear = "Your my everything"
♥Kiss on the Cheek = "We're friends"
♥Kiss on the Hand = "I adore you"
♥Kiss on the Neck = "We belong together"
♥Kiss on the Shoulder = "I want you"
♥Kiss on the Lips = "I love you"

****************************************************
♥What the gesture means♥

♥Holding Hands = "We definitely love each other"
♥Slap on the Butt = "That's mine"
♥Holding on tight = "I don't want to let go"
♥Looking into each other's Eyes = "I just plain love you"
♥Playing with Hair = "Tell me you love me"
♥Arms around the Waist = "I love you too much to let go"
♥Laughing while Kissing = "I am completely comfortable with you"
****************************************************
♥Advice♥

Don't ask for a kiss, take one.
If you were thinking about someone while reading this,
you're definitely in Love.
****************************************************



♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

The Dutchman is in Holland for the Bank Holiday weekend, I teased him as he is going to Amsterdam. He laughed and said that there was more to Amsterdam than the red light district. He kept joking that it was where the diamond centre was too, I joked and reminded him that I prefer silver to gold, and square cut is nice....
I wonder...... where is his brain, I'm being stupid and romantic....ignore me!

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Worked my socks off!

I was working from home today, had loads more evaluations coming in all day. They were supposed to be in by today so I could write the report on Tuesday but no, still got loads outstanding. Same old moan why can't people just follow instructions??

I have a ceiling though, all plastered and looking better than the black plastic that was stapled there since the flood.

I ordered my conservatory - 6 weeks time and I shall have that and new soffits and guttering. The outside will look smart!

I also had the electrician come round to quote, not as much as I feared, I expected a total rewire and a £1000 bill but it is a straight £200.

I've still spent £11,600 pound today eeeek!

The Dutchman rang this morning and I told him of my split from coffee man. He rang again twice after that. It's that old heart and head thing though. I know he's not Mr Right and some of the things he says and does irritate the hell out of me, but then another time he is so sweet and funny and my stomach gets butterflies, and he makes me laugh and giggle.

My other friend who has been somewhat keen is much more sensible. But there is no harm in chatting and drinking coffee. I'm not going to leap from the frying pan into the fire .

Hostage

Just sparing a thought for Alan Johnston, the BBC journalist being held hostage in the middle east.

I.T. Who'd have it?

I spent the morning fighting with outlook and printers and trying to get them to work with no luck. This afternoon therefore was spent catching up. This was not made easier by people's inability to follow a set of questions. A colleague sent out a questionnaire that they had to reply with either a 'yes or know' or a '1,2,3' answer, this would enable it to be cut and paste into an excel spreadsheet that has all the formulas built in to calculate the number of responses of each type. 270 people have to answer it and out of the first 40, 18 of them I have had to e-mail to clarify written responses. Some of them I could work out from what they said but not others. Now, had they all not been able to do it I would have questioned the phrasing of it but no, they just cant follow instructions. The people who are replying are all at executive level too. Makes you worry about the future of the firm!!!

I have an electrician calling tomorrow, I thought that before I get redecorated I should put an extra socket or two in, save ruining the new decor. Whilst I'm at it if he checks the rest of the electrics I'll be a bit happier. The fuse box is an old fashioned wired one that has seen its day. It should be on a proper consumer unit so, that too needs to change, mortgage number 2 coming up!

Ah well, let's write a list...........

Hmmm?

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Ramblings!

Ok, I shall start with a confession, I had a rather large glass of wine on an empty stomach, so please forgive typos and ramblings.

I should have mentioned Kent's biggest news in a century yesterday but I forgot. (See how much significance it had in my life?) We had an earthquake. Yes, the most excitement seen in Folkestone since they closed the amusements. well, Folkestone is claiming the credit but it was 7 miles out in the English Channel. Worryingly enough it was right next to the Tunnel. Hmmm and my friend who works on it wonders why I have never used it?

It started me thinking though. What would have happened if it was on the north Kent coast not the south? There is a munitions ship that sunk off the Isle of Sheppey, the SS Montgomery from memory, and every year teams have to go out and check it to make sure it is not about to blow up the whole of the Isle of Sheppey. (Although some may think that would be preferable)


Today SR has been on my mind all day, I think it is because I saw a biker this morning who may or may not have been him, I didn't really get a chance to register, I did register that the rider looked at me long and hard before riding off, it may have been him, it may not, I really am not sure, but his reaction suggests it was. I was in the car going the other way.

Must repeat to myself the man was a bastard a thousand times over.

Anyway, I'm in a hotel, still got a few things to finish off. Not much - just signing certificates.

weekend

I went to my parents yesterday as they needed their kitchen planning, (an occupation in a former life) It was quite funny, Dad cooks once a week but he wants a range cooker, mum is more practical and wanted storage so it was a balancing act not to upset either one.

I managed to come up with a solution that was practical for both though. Let's hope they both like it when it comes!

I went to the gym this morning and wore myself out. I need to crack my weight again. I put on 4lbs 5 weeks ago and I can't shift it. Grrrrr

This afternoon is household chores. Yippee - always fun (sarcasm is the lowest form of wit)

Home again

I've just got home and flumped, this morning's meeting was not too bad, actually went quite quickly for a change.

When I came out of it my car had been delivered so I emptied my old one :( rang the guy who is getting it and told him he had to look after it! Then picked up my new phone, (old one didn't work in the handsfree cradle)

I took a leisurely drive home, (a 220 mile test drive!) I did get to grips with the cruise control though!

Now I need to read the manual, it is the size of a phone book! Hmmm should be fun.... zzzzzzz

Still away from home

I'm still up north but I do get to come home tomorrow.

It will be a long and possibly interesting day. We have the monthly meeting (yawn) and whenever that finishes I get to come home.

First though I need to collect my new car! I wasn't expecting it until next week. Sad to see the old one go though, it seems like only yesterday when I got it. The man who gets it on Monday is not the best driver either :(

Quiet or wasted weekend

I spent a quiet weekend just faffing around the house. I went to the gym this morning and apart from a little mild flirtation with a guy on a very nice motorbike (yes ok, I'm a tart - but I do like a man in leather!) it was quite innocuous.

I need to think what I'm looking for, or not as the case may be.

Essential
Intelligence - my last few dates have - and I don't wish to put anyone down here, that's not my intention - not been able to keep up, I need a guy that is on the same wave length and I don't have to explain things to?

Humour - what girl doesn't?

Kind

Witty

Solvent - I'm a modern girl and will pay my way but not pick up every single tab!

Good in bed

Desirable
Tall - yes I know I'm a short arse

A twinkle in his eye

Time for a relationship

Deal breakers
Bad breath

Dogs!

Misogynist

Patronising

Cheating

Hmmm that's all I can think of for the moment......

Not saying a word!!!!

Hmmm am I going through the 'anger' stage?

You Are Occasionally a Jerk Magnet

You've been known to attract real jerky guys from time to time... But the truth is, you know what you're getting into. You can help but love bad boys.

Are You a Jerk Magnet?

Chapter closed

It's over, confirmed it with him today. He got all defensive and could not see what I was meaning. He is after all perfect (aren't we all?) I tried to tell him what I meant but he had an answer for everything. None of which was his fault. He is after all such a busy man, he is always at work, works nights, has his daughter, has the dog etc etc, I tried to point out that he is 4 days (or nights) on and then either 7 or 4 days off, he has his daughter a maximum of 2 nights a week and then not every week but still he doesn't have time to come to mine. I always have to go there.

He has only once told me he loved me and that was after prompting. (He denied this and said that he says it all the time but believe me I would know!) The dog gets more affection. I'm allergic to the dog - gives me asthma problems but he just laughs when the dog gets onto the bed and sleeps on my pillow.

So, I'm on my own again. I'm tearful but I know it's for the best. I think it's frustration at yet another failed relationship.

Just a quickie

I'm up north on a dodgy connection and ninth restart so this is a quickie.

I rowed with Coffee Man again last night. Apart from a quick I'm too busy to talk text late Sunday and Monday (he's working nights so I don't disturb him in the day) he made a quick call last night and was so dismissive of me, didn't understand why I was concerned (72 hours and 2 texts?) told me it was just stupid to count as we are all busy people. I realised it's not going to work. He was really tetchy and I hung up on him. I've not heard a word since - another 24 hours. If he does I think I shall just tell him it's over. This happens too much. We row, he promises to try harder, he does for a day or so and then back to normal. More interested in the TV and his dinner than me.

It's not enough.

Hmmm is that a good thing?

So what's the recipe?

You Are Smores

Unusual and unconventional, you make your strange ways work for you. You've got personality - no one's denying that!

What Dessert Are You Most Like?

New job time? Nar not yet!

Your Job Satisfaction Level: 60%

Your job is about average. There are some parts you really enjoy, and some parts that stress you out. It's possible that you need a small change. Maybe you should switch companies or positions. It's also possible that you're simply burned out. No job is perfect, even a great one. Give yourself a personal day to think about your career goals - and if your current job is helping you achieve them.

Should You Get a New Job?

Sunny day

I went to the gym this morning then came home and cracked on. The washing and ironing is all done, the garden is mowed and weeded. Not only that it's dug over and the borders are looking neater.

I realised I haven't seen CM since Monday and not really missed him, is that because I am secure or evil? He hasn't text or rung today and apart from a passing thought earlier I'd not even realised. I think I'll text him and see if he is busy as I'm just heading off to bed.

Happy Day!!!

Well, my Uni group all went out on the razz last night as the dreaded results were expected. What was going be the outcome of a year's hard study and 2 days of awful exams? We went to a nice Italian and then on to a bar before getting home late.

I got home and no results!!!! :-(

This morning I was awake early, went to the DIY shed and chose some paper for the stairs, came home and waited for the postman.


And waited


And waited



Finally he arrived and I opened the envelope with trepidation. .....


I passed one of the 4



and got credits in the other 3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Yippee no resits!!!!!


I am one happy chicken.



Whilst I was at the DIY shed I picked up a new phone socket as the one I had had multiple extensions and broadband filters hanging from it - very unsightly. So I rewired that with a new one with an integrated filter and it works too. And it looks so neat and tidy.

So a jolly good Saturday was had by all!

More confusion

I really didn't need the Dutchman ringing for the first time in ages and saying he hoped that I was going to tell him I was single!!


Isn't my life complicated enough????????

A cathartic exercise?

Ok. Let's get the brain emptied so I can move on. This is going to be the equivalent of the letter that is written but never sent.

Ignore it, it will make no sense but it may help to straighten my brain. Anyone reading this will think I'm mad, schizophrenic, obsessed and odd but it's only the internal thoughts most people have (I hope) but don't ever externalise.

Most people view me as cool, logical, 'the sensible one' if only they knew the turmoil in the brain. A typical Gemini, can see all sides at once. That brings it own chaos though.

But I digress.

I met SR at the airport I fly from in August 2005. He was there on his bike looking cool and sexy. Not handsome but with an air of control and command. He knew what he wanted and was going to get it. We flirted and verbally sparred and agreed to meet up that evening and go to the beach. I drove as I wanted to be in control of what happened. (sensible see!)

We went to the beach - it rained, we got soaked and I have probably not laughed as much before or since. I resisted his physical advances for all of 3 weeks! When we did get together it was fantastic! The best lover I have ever had, ok I admit it, he was the best.

The next few months were magical. New Year in particular, I will always smile when I hear Dr Hook's 'love you a little bit more' we danced all night and it was just - magical.

Things started to get cooler in the March. At the end of the month he said that he needed more and it was not fair on me to continue as he wanted to experience 'other women'.

We remained close friends and still had an occasional physical relationship but I knew he was seeing other women. I tried to be 'adult' about it but it hurt. I didn't want to lose him altogether.

I even arranged dates. One of which I cancelled as I was going out of the door as he needed me to help with a problem with his daughter who was being a spoilt brat. He controlled everything I did still.

We went to a bank holiday garden show together and he boasted of how he was 'shagging a Thai girl' it broke my heart as I knew something. I was pregnant.


Because of a pre-existent condition I knew I could not carry the baby. I had a decision to make, try, and risk us both or have an abortion. He favoured the abortion as he did not want more kids. He also would rather have me alive than dead. We still spent a lot of time together.

We had a beautiful day out on the Sunday, we went to a horticultural society, even got erm, interesting in the reeds :)

That night after I went home, I got pains in my stomach and lost the baby at 1am. To the strains of Elvis Presley's 'in the ghetto'. SR loved Elvis. I told him in the morning and he was very caring. I just dealt with everything myself.

Within 3 weeks he had met and was dating L. He told me she was just a fling nothing serious. We continued seeing each other and having sex but not as often.

In the August he helped me landscape my garden. That's when our relationship turned. He had had previous D/s relationships and one balmy afternoon it happened. I realised what had been missing in my life and why my relationships had been somehow wrong. We explored this for the next few months. I still got frustrated when he was seeing her. He always said she was not permanent. I was his no 1. I won every time. He said.

I knew there were other too but ignored it. I did get jealous.


In the November L found out about me and gave him an ultimatum. He chose her. She had threatened all sorts and was going through lots of shit at home. He came - told me and walked away.

The baby was due in December and i really needed him. I hadn't told anyone because of his kids. He thought it best they didn't know. At that point I needed someone though. He ignored me. I went through it alone and felt myself going into depression again. I was seeing a new guy, rebound! I couldn't and indeed have not told him. His daughter rang me again, again she was in trouble, I dropped everything and sorted her out, again he said he was grateful but that was it, we haven't spoken since. I wished him a happy new year and L replied on his phone (he is not even allowed to carry his mobile now!) They are still together. I saw him and her a few weeks ago, he was bellowing at her. He really does have anger problems.

He tried to hit me twice, once when I told him I was pregnant and once when I got upset when he told me it was over. His ex-wife had warned me about this.

He was a very selfish man at times. He always said that he had been married for 20 years and so now would do what he wanted when he wanted. This meant that I could never plan and he often let me down at the last minute. L is as selfish as he is. She is even always flirting with a friend of mine. So really they deserve each other.
I think my current confusion stems from the fact that he awoke something in me that I did not previously know, and as soon as I discovered it it was taken away. So I'm back living a 'normal' lifestyle having realised that it was not for me.

Strangely enough, he is living a vanilla life too.

I loved him in a way but many is the time I thought of ending it because of his behaviour. It hurts because he ended it not me. It hurts because of the baby. It hurts because I still have to pass his house to get to work. It hurts because I feel like I'm in the wrong as he won't communicate. It hurts because L gloats. It hurts because he lied and said it would be over soon and he is still with her. It hurts because of the harsh look he had on his face as if to say 'so what? you never meant anything to me anyway.'

But now it is over, long over, never to be repeated and I have to put him in that box. I don't know what label to put on it. 'Mistake' seems harsh, 'experience' is probably more appropriate.

Remember the saying, people enter your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, so which one was he. I think his reason must have been to open my eyes to who I am. It is now up to me to follow the path or not.

Home again

Well the Easter weekend went well. Coffee Man and I spent quality time together, went out for dinner, visited my parents yesterday and went to Rye today. All in all a lovely time. And every single day my mind was on SR. It was exactly 5 months since the break up on Thursday and 5 months since I started seeing Coffee Man yesterday. Yes I know i jumped in too quick. I said that at the time.

I don't know why I keep thinking of him, good times and bad. I wish I could stop though. I tried to put him to the back of my thoughts. Coffee Man and I are planning a long weekend in Amsterdam next month, possibly for my birthday.

I must move on, as an old colleague used to say "the past is a foreign country, they do things different there!"

4 Days off :)

Today was so slow in the office, it dragged on and on and on but at last it is the long weekend. Yippee.

The man came round to measure for the conservatory tonight, so he is coming back with a quote next week. Coffee Man is coming up here tomorrow and all is well with the world. I am spending the break with him so I won't be around until next week. So happy easter, have fun!!!

Cold again!!!

I was working from home today as I had to wait in for a surveyor to come and look at my ceiling. He was worried it was asbestos but that is looking unlikely.

I seem to have spent the day up to my eyeballs in spreadsheets today, whenever anyone needs anything slightly different creating it is usually my job, comes from being a sad geek I suppose (giggle)

Coffee Man was at a funeral again today, 2nd one in a month, so he is a little low. I'll give him a call soon and check that he is ok.

I rang a firm to give me a quote on a conservatory too today, I will get this house sorted if it kills me (and if it is asbestos it may well do!!)

Pampered

It took me 5 hours to drive to Coffee Man's on Friday as I was at the other end of the country almost so I was weary when I arrived.

He was waiting for me with a cup of tea, how well he knows me! After that he poured me a glass of red wine, led me upstairs to the bathroom to where a very hot bath awaited (now I know why he told me to ring him when I was close!) all bubbles and scented oils, candles lit and scenting the air. Also in the bathroom was a bouquet of tulips, my favourite flower. After a good long soak and unwind I joined him downstairs where he had made a very light supper, knowing that I can't eat a proper meal late at night.

It was the perfect end to a hectic week. When he is like this he is so thoughtful and it is hard to reconcile him with the man that doesn't realise the power of his words and actions to hurt me.

I came home this morning for my gym class and to return the favour I am about to cook him a Sunday roast. He will be here in 2.5 hours, then we are going to the cinema to watch a film that I have been looking forward to and he has been hoping I would forget. Definitely a girly feel good film!

Wheezing Wednesday

Another very busy day today, my admin support has left the company so I'm trying to do her job and mine whilst arranging to cover 2 colleagues in a 300 mile radius.

The next few months will be hectic I think! Got confirmation that my next round of Uni starts on the 29th May too. Eeeeek!

I was glad to get home tonight, my feet were aching, I took my heels off and could almost feel my feet explode in happiness. Straight upstairs to take my suit off and put something warm and cosy on, heaven.

Not heard from Coffee Man today, he is working nights so I didn't disturb him and he obviously was too busy tiling her floor either before he went to bed or after he woke up to even think of calling me. No doubt he will before bed.

I head north tomorrow so not sure about connections and then I'll be away all weekend (possibly)

My asthma has been playing up all day, I'm hoping it's better by the weekend as I will have problems with his dog if not. His house is dusty too as he is having major renovation work done. Have to wait and see.

Monday

I couldn't get into gear today. I felt so tired and drained. So it's an early night for me tonight.

I tackled a few odds and ends at work but nothing major.

CM has text a few times through the day, he was doing well until he told me he was laying her new kitchen floor. Grrrrrrr

And so to bed

Sunday

Where do I start, last weekend I felt really relaxed and comfortable with him. Now I don't know what to think or feel.

Thursday evening he knew I was upset but left it 4 hours before he rang. I didn't pick up. He then rang my mobile and then text me. He then rang the home phone again. I left it an hour and text him to say that I would drop his things off on Friday, if he was out i would leave them with the builders.

He text back saying we should talk so I bathed and went to bed. He text Friday morning to say that he still wanted me to come for the weekend. I said I wasn't sure.

I didn't leave work until late and when I got to his he was hoe. And guess what. So was she!!! She was at his house as she has loaned him a bed. She then told him to put the kettle on. Whilst he was in the kitchen she asked if we had had a tiff as the atmosphere was frosty. I didn't elaborate to much, she was there for ages.

When she eventually left she whispered that she would leave us alone for a 'team talk'. I'm struggling for words here.

The patronising bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111

Sorry, I looked for a politically correct way of explaining my feelings and couldn't. We sat for a couple of hours and talked. I told him exactly what was troubling me, about how she was always there and he always spoke of her. He explained that over the last few years they had leaned on each other and he found it hard to stop now. I explained that I hated the way he told her everything and he has promised not to. He admitted that he had told her about the current tiff. So her 'detecting a frosty atmosphere' was a load of rubbish. I had done my best to cover it and be light and easy in her presence.

He even told me he loved me, something that is rarely said, indeed never unless I bring up the conversation. He did not realise how upset I was.

I dried my eyes and we went to his friends' who were getting married. It was the first time I had met them. They were so welcoming and friendly towards me.

The wedding yesterday went well and again I was made welcome by his friends and he was very attentive despite his duties as best man. He kept me near all day. Today was finishing off those duties and seeing them all again, taking the presents over and the suits to the hire shop.

I couldn't let him touch me though. I was still too fraught. No doubt I shall be back where I was last week by next week but... oh I don't know......

Am I flogging a dead horse? I believe he does genuinely care but he finds it hard to express his feelings. I find this hard as I get so insecure. History has made me this way and however hard I try to break the Pavlovian conditioning it still lurks there in the back.

Home Sweet Home

Guess what? There was no connection. But then what can you expect from a hotel in the centre of London hmmmm....

Work has been fun in a masochistic sort of way. My colleague who should have been with me yesterday cancelled at the last minute so I ended up monitoring three meetings in three rooms at the same time. The afternoon session that she was going to take (her specialist area not mine) I had to muddle through the best I could. The delegates were great though and we had fun over the two days. I even got an e-mail from one of the guys this morning thanking me as he had learned loads and it was one of the best courses he had ever been on :)

I got lots of texts from Coffee Man, telling me that she was struggling on the course she was taking and don't forget to call her. Today's was can you pick up some bits for when you come over tomorrow and she doesn't think she's passed her exam. That was in response to the question 'do you want me to bring quilts and pillows too or just the sheets and covers?' He never did answer that question, poor lamb, he's just so worried about her!

I decided to check if my phone was actually working, he text back that it was and why was I asking, I responded that as he wasn't answering questions I thought it may not be, he assured me it was and he was just busy. The thing is I am running around sorting stuff out for him as he is best man on Saturday at his mate's wedding, I am (apparently) driving them to the wedding and arranging somewhere for him to sleep tomorrow as Coffee Man has no spare bedding.

If he wants me to do all this he had better start talking, but then as she is coming home and she did fail the exam maybe he won't.

I don't know why I'm feeling so sensitive tonight. Being high maintenance I suppose. He will tell her and she will have a quiet word with me about not being so demanding as he is who he is and will never change, and I remind him of his ex wife when I'm behaving like this.

Maybe it's because she hasn't been around much these last couple of weeks, only at weekends, and I know that she's coming home today. Getting apprehensive.

Anti-climax

Down to earth with a bump. Barely heard from him today as he was spending the afternoon with 'her'

Always happens, just as I think we are getting somewhere she's back on the scene and he drops everything to spend time with her.

I'm working in London all week so I'm not sure what the hotel connection will be so may be back tomorrow, if not Thursday,

Busy few days

This has been quite a frantic week, I've been lax in my blogging. So an update from yesterday as I'm trying to forget the rest of the week.

Coffee Man came over last night and we went to the cinema. Something seemed different last night and I felt at peace in his company for the first time in ages.

The film wasn't much cop, the trailers contained all the good bits and there was none left for the film.

When we got home I teased him about something, can't even remember what, and he tickled me and we ended up just playing like teenagers, my backside got a tanning for being disrespectful and one thing lead to another and well, I got no sleep but have been grinning all day. First time I've felt like this in a while, hopefully that bodes well.

I took my mam out today for a girly day and lunch for Mother's day. We had a really nice time. Found a fantastic Italian in Canterbury. Yummy!

Survived

Well I got through the 2 days with my least favourite colleague. He was a bit of a prat this morning because I turned a video on 17 seconds early!!! But he apologised this afternoon. Then he told a delegate that it was the first time I had run the course so I had done quite well, he didn't mention that I had completely rewritten it from his original! He makes me so cross but I bit my tongue and let him take the credit.

I'm back at the hotel and can chill out tonight as I don't have to prep for tomorrow. So I've ordered a nice dinner and glass of wine.

I thought I would see if I could get a connection and update as I had a moment or three.

Time to flump!

Speed writing!

I'm away from home with a bad connection so I may be missing for a few days. Busy at work so keeping out of mischief and keeping occupied.

Sunday night

The weekend went very quickly. Why is it that 2 weekend days go quicker than 2 work days?

Yesterday I woke early and spent most of the day gardening, I have to admit that I regret that today as I am aching in places I didn't know I had.

Today I went to pilates this morning. It was so funny, the whole class seemed to have done the same as we were all walking stiff and aching badly. There was more giggling going on as we all fell off our balances and failed to maintain the grace and dignity demanded by the exercises. Teacher was despairing of us!

After I left I went to the supermarket to get some fresh veg as Coffee Man was coming for dinner. As I left SR was driving in, he had her and her kids with him. It looked as if he was having a stressy fit in the car. I don't know if he saw me but it gave me a jolt. I still miss him. Well I do and I don't. He was a liar and a cheat. He has treated me abominably. He has a terrible angry streak, uncontrolled rage, the anger management classes he took whilst he was married did not work. My family disliked him. There are so many things that I am glad I don't have to put up with any more, but I can still remember the tender times. Only yesterday I was looking at the plant he bought me, I knew that I couldn't carry the baby to term, and whilst he was still alive inside me we went to the Royal Horticultural Society garden at Wisley. He bought a pair of identical plants, black Acers, very unusual, they were as a memorial I suppose to the baby. We chose them together knowing that the child I carried would be possibly terminated that week. I had been sent home by the doctor to consider the options. It may have come down to my life or the baby's, not both. Anyway I'm straying, the plant is just starting to bud. I was looking at it yesterday as I did the garden. It is coming back to life.

Coffee Man came over, I'm starting to shrink from his touch. He is making plans, there is a wedding we are going to in a fortnight, then another one in June. He watched the rugby whilst I made dinner. I was very conscious of the neighbours each time he cheered when England scored, or his frustration when France did. He complained that I had put too much garlic in the meat. He has just left to go and sort his sister's car out that has broken down. I actually felt relieved. This will sound dreadfully snobby, but sometimes I just long for an intelligent conversation, a debate, a spirited discussion on a topic. There's a guy I chat with on MSN and we often verbally and mentally spar. We have never met and probably never will but I just love our chats. I think it is the Gemini in me. My mind needs stimulation and it is just not getting it.

I had a dream last night, I was kneeling in a corner, I could hear a voice behind me giving me instructions but I don't know who it was. I felt a mixture of love and desire. My hands were bound, He had control. I was at peace and ready to obey instructions. He told me to kiss Him then take Him fully in my mouth until He came. It was definitely not Coffee Man, It may have been SR, it may have been the Dutchman, it may have been an amalgam of both. I awoke feeling very needy. But as ever, I was on my own.

I'm feeling a little trapped at the minute. I started off being more emotionally involved than Coffee Man was and I hated his inability to express any emotion towards me. He still isn't that attentive very often but I'm feeling smothered and unfulfilled. I think where he did not show emotion I have mentally backed off to the point where I am not involved at all now.

Friday!!!!!!!! At last what took it so long!!!!

A weekend off and it is a weekend off too. I have no plans at all. Coffee Man is working all weekend but has invited me to dinner Sunday, no family plans, nothing. Heaven!

How selfish is that?

I had my hair cut today and it looks lovely but feels so short, she has layered it and shaped it so it is lighter and more swingy. I think I may have found a new hairdresser yippee, it's only taken 4 years since I moved.

So I'm going to go and have a glass of wine, a deep bubbly bath and candle and music.

Happy days!

Nearly Friday

Today was a very long day but not bad, Dorset was lovely, the weather was great, the meeting went well, the traffic - well as ok as it gets.

feeling very weary and not quite with it though.

I found out where the Dutchman had gone, his phone had been stolen last week and he had to get a bill to find my number again. After we split last time he went back to Holland so I only had his mobile when he came back. He has now given me home number, new mobile nmber, e-mail, work phone so that we don't lose contact again. I think the reason I was lost for the past few days was because I thought he had done it again. He suddenly upped sticks and went back to Holland 3 years ago. This was after a discussion about commitment and my inability at that point. He just went. it was completely out of the blue when he made contact again.

We had a really deep talk a fortnight ago when I poured out my heart about things with Coffee Man and that was the last time we talked. I thought I had said something wrong and he had bolted again.

He rang when I was driving home. I was beaming like a cheshire cat.

He is not right for me, he is too unreliable, but then so is Coffee Man. I need someone half way between the two, reliable, safe and sensible but with a spark, that certain something that makes you tingle inside, Dutchman gives me that tingle, Coffee Man gives me the security. I can't be the person either of them needs.

I need to be brave and strike out on my own.