Smiling through the tears

The day of the party, the whole family is there. Odd comments were made about SR all day, the family really didn't like him. But as they did not know we had got back together let alone split up again there was nothing I could say or do.


I wanted to scream and shout and let them know what he had done but it's not the English way. Instead we sipped tea and made small talk.

I've just got home and again the tears are flowing. I feel so stupid. She knows he is a cheater as well as I do but she is packing up her kids and moving 100 miles to move in with him and his kids. He always said that he didn't want that. And it's not that I did, I didn't, I like my independence. But he wanted his freedom too and here he is moving her in within a week, I just feel so betrayed.

I am so confused and seem to be moving back not forwards. I know I am stronger than that which makes me so angry with myself. I feel I have been mocked by him, her, his kids everyone.

It helps getting it down on here strangely, gives me a chance to really think and analyse why I am feeling what I am feeling. Part of it I know is that the baby would have been due next month. I kept it secret from all bar him and a close girl friend (he didn't want anyone to know as it would upset his kids) and now so long after the event it feels stupid to be grieving for the baby that I should have been looking forward to.

I am not even the maternal type. I made a decision early on that I did not want children. Yet 2 miscarriages later I still do not want to have children but I grieve for them. Does that make sense? Both were unexpected pregnancies, despite precautions being taken.

So, am I grieving the loss of a man who I thought I knew, the man I knew or the children I lost? Maybe all 3?