Have you noticed that when you hit the real low points in your life music takes on a new meaning, you have a heightened awareness of what the artist was thinking or feeling when he penned particular lyrics. It's been a while, (laughs softly) as I typed it a song came to mind that I had to play. It was one of those one hit wonders from 2001 that on the strength of a single song I bought the album but the album only emerges when in that sad melancholy frame of mind.
"It's been a while, since I could hold my head up high, it's been a while, since I first saw you, it's been a while since I could stand on my own two feet again, and it's been a while since I could call you."
"It's been a while since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do..."
See music matches the mood. The other one that has had a hammering this year is Damien Rice. "Cheers darlin" has a resonance beyond prior imagination.
So,2008, what has it brought? Well, E has returned to the ex wife and the family home and I am but a distant memory. He still texts but.... no just... but.
It's been a roller coaster of emotion and I feel guilty for immersing myself once more in misery, albeit in private, you see the nature of our relationship was never really public, so I guess on the one hand I have saved myself the pity of people knowing that life has been inverted once more, on the other I have nobody to understand and comfort me.
My boss must love the disaster that is my private life, when it goes wrong which is not infrequent he gets a totally committed employee, working 80 90 hours a week and more, concentrating hard in order to shut out the pain.
I feel selfish and guilty too though, my friend's father is dying and I'm trying so hard to be there and be supportive but I feel somehow detached. It's like astral projection, I almost feel as if I am watching myself go through the motions in life as an interested observer, not exactly feeling but showing the pretence of compassion.
I'll not lie, I've sat there with the pills and contemplated taking them, it's like how many times do I have to go through this, destined to live life without someone by my side, someone to come home to. I feel like I'm being punished but I don't know what my crime is. As if I am really a horrendously awful person, because all of these people I see as being mean and cruel or heartless all have happy home lives. Ergo I must be the awful one.
Self pity is an awful thing....tomorrow will be better.
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9 comments:
Writing is good therapy for self pity, keep writing sweetness, its lovely to see you back, although I am saddened for you.
xxxx
Everything will work out, they always do. I recently found out about your blog, and even though I'm a stranger. If you need help, or just want an ear, You have mine.
-Scott
thank you rosie, one day at a time huh?
Hope you are well sweetness
Hugs
Bridget
xxxx
Thank you for your kind thoughts Scott, everything happens for a reason... one day I'll know what it was.
Bridget
--x--
Yep....day by day sweetness.... keep writig and express all those feelings rather than store them up.
Its not good to store them and you know better *frowns at you*...you do Bridget.... you do know better, so put all those training sessions into play and...write...
Love You girl (yeah I am firm but fair).
*smiles at you*
rosie
xxxx
I know I know but it's hard. I miss Him so much.
Hey hon,
There is a person we both visit and we both have been visiting since September last year.
We have not given up on that person because we want the best for them and because their problems appear to us to be able to be overcome (not that we disregard what "they" are going through). But we feel that possibly with support they WILL get through it and we hope for that. We feel within ourselves that they will get through it, from our observations.
We continue to pop in and write comments in the hope that we are being supportive, yet at the same time we wonder why "that" person disappeared. We think to ourselves that no problem is insurmountable and easily fixed, we are strong in our own opinions and judgment for them, particulary when that "problem" is not our own.
We can see other's problems and we can so often offer our opinions, hope and love. Thinking that if "only" they could see through the darkness and re-appear on the other side.
Bridget, I guess what I am saying is this:
I "understand" but please dont do a "stagger" on me sweetheart, come out the other side. You are such a strong person for others, rely on that stregth, know it, understand it, accept it, have no doubt in yourself. Bridget you can do it...why else would you have a blog called "Bridgetjonesexists"? She does and always will, but she came out the other side hon and you will also, if you trust and get off your butt and get yourself together.
Come on sweetness, I have every faith in you darling, do not let me down.
It WILL be okay.
You know my number and my email, I have tried to text you and it keeps coming back to me "failed". Email me and send me your number again. We can call and talk and chat and have a girly thing.
I will always support you, always.
kisses you.
S
Hi rosie,
no, I've not given up, I'm still popping in and out but lost the words right now. I was thinking of our mutual frend the other day and wondering when the 42 weeks were up. I think he may be in self imposed wilderness until that time? (re his last blog's title?)
I'm sat here with bronchitis so even quieter than is normal for me!
I'll mail you my number again, don't know why it is bouncing???
Hugs n stuff
Bridget
xxxx
FOR VERITY & HOPE
hello again to the two goodest girls on the internet. bridget & rose (in alphabetical order) i've just glanced at your blogs and i am moved by your fidelity. I sit here and as i look around me i see very little physical evidence of the days of stagger. New place to live, old computer, new understanding of old stuff. Now look at me. in no particular order;
In my OLD place this computer under my fingers was the focus and the locus of significant problems between my daughter and myself. Me; a big porn sniffer. Her; was staying up all night chatting with teenagers in the northern hemisphere. Between us we ran the phonebill up to disconnection. Told the sprog that we'd get the net back on when she had a job. She now has a weekly job she loves, and her own computer. This computer limps along, costing a nastly little bit of money every pay for yet another (we paid cash for the new one).
I stayed on the treatment for 26 weeks until the tests showed it wasn't doing any good. I'd felt like poo for the entire six months so was pleased to feel normal again when they stopped (still am). That was a while back. Before we moved.
After stopping the treatment i felt angry with things that wasted my time; my job, eating, debts... I upset some people at work but made others suprisingly fond of me. I had a run-in with my boss, spoke to his boss who thought i'd go away, and is now in trouble withher boss. Then i had three weeks holiday and calmed down enormously. I'm lazy about work so i need a dumbass job. I try to watch it like a soap-opera.
I spend at least half my nights staying with my dad at his place. We are closer now than ever and its only a very few things that we haven't of don't talk about. He's quite well off so can afford to live well in his own house should he live that long & be that strong. He loves his partner but she's been an utter nutter for months. And shes a bitch to my kid.
I love my new house, the plumbing sux, a bath takes planning, I had one tonight, now i'm in bed, knitting a bedspread. The landlady is a seven-foot lesbian DIY fiend. We know eachother from wayback. The place is big and beautiful and rewards you for anything you do to make it better. My kid has the best room in the house, a fact that endeared me to the landlady.
I love my old girlfriend, I turned 45, I'll look at your blogs but not my old one
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