Happy Hump Day

Well half way to the weekend. I was working with my least favourite colleague today so I stopped off and go a Chinese on the way home. Bad huh?

He makes me so tense. We really don't get on, we frustrate the hell out of each other.

Still not thought. The Dutchman has gone missing. Spending more time chatting to a friend on here than Coffee Man. Not a good sign. Spending time with everyone but him. Laughing and being carefree until the time comes that either I have to ring him or he rings me.

Tomorrow I'm off to Dorset for the day. Let's hope for good weather!

Still thinking

I had a busy day today trying to combine work with the builders.

still thinking, still confused, he has been attentive today,

Speak of the devil, he's just text and is about to ring

*shrugs*

Who am I?

I had a nudge from someone on here today that has set me thinking. Who am I?

I am daughter, sister, ex-wife (twice), ex-girlfriend (too many to mention), girlfriend, aunty, god-mother many times over, ex -sub, or am I, just because I don't have a Sir in my life at the moment does that make me an ex-sub? hmmm no, and perhaps that is the problem.

I am so many things to so many people but the essence of me is someone who wants to please, so I have all of these relationships where I am trying to please everyone, not always succeeding but leaving myself essentially unfulfilled because I am not pleasing the One. This may sound odd but when Sir was in my life I strove to please Him and only Him. This in turn left me fulfilled and happy. I feel really lost at the minute. When I pleased Him He rewarded me, whether it was with a kind word or a touch or even just a smile and it meant the world to me. I feel at the moment that I am just expected to please everyone and get no recognition at all. God I sound like a spoiled brat. But when I pleased Him it seemed easy to please everone else too. Everyone was happy.

I said that I thought it was time for a break from Coffee Man last week and he said he wanted to try again, but at the moment it feels like the same old same old. I am walking on eggshells emotionally. One minute I'm up one minute I'm down. I need some order in my life. To know my boundaries, where I stand, I thought at one point he was interested in learning more but that has been swept away and not mentioned again. He is a nilla and I know it. He always was and probably always will be. The question is can I go back to that? I lived that life though 2 marriages and only felt like I was me when I was introduced to the lifestyle. With submission came freedom - does that make sense?

I need to make some big decisions. I am in danger of losing me again and I hadn't even realised it.

Home again

I was really really positive on Friday. I was going to work really hard with Coffee Man to put all the stress and problems behind us and it worked until about 6pm.

We decided to go to the pictures, and then he said 'why don't we invite my friend - it's up to you, but she is home this weekend and she's had a heavy week'

Well, put like that I couldn't say no. But we were going to see the film that I have wanted to see for ages so ok. When we got there she queried the film but Coffee Man was firm and said 'no, we are seeing this one'. The pair of them crunched and slurped their way through the film then afterwards said it wasn't really their cup of tea.

We went to a pizza place afterwards as we had not had time for dinner, I felt like a gooseberry. Then I picked up the tab. Coffee Man had paid for the cinema, I paid for their drinks and popcorn). This sounds really churlish and mean and it is not meant that way. Usually whichever of us pays for the film and nibbles - the other does the meal. His friend just took it as read that I would pick up the bills. Not even an offer or a contribution.

Things had been normal on Friday night, we had a great evening, it was loving and sensual. Last night though when we went to bed I could not even bear him to touch me.

I had made the decision to try and make this work but three people in the equation doesn't work. She knew every detail of the row we had had the week before when I told him it was over. Back where I was before.

Slack day

Today was quite a change, for once I wasn't blue arsed flying around. Had a really good , productive meeting and a slow drive home with no traffic jams yay.

I got the laundry sorted, the house tidied, and everything is right with the world.

I am making a real effort with Coffee Man at the moment. Trying to put the neurosis of the last few weeks, out of my mind. He does love me, just can't say it. The past few days he has really been here for me. When I have been stressed out and in tears he has held me and tried to sort the problem out.

Yes, I still love the Dutchman and probably always will, but a different type of love, tinted with the rose coloured spectacles. He is not a stayer. He is not a player either but he will flit in and out of my life hurting me each time he leaves.

Coffee Man is steady and secure. Pedantic, obtuse, dogmatic but he looks out for me.
I need to settle, I'm not a child anymore. The men in my life recently have hurt me a lot. Maybe it's time?

Welcome to the plumber's blog....

Well guess what .... it leaked (sigh) so Coffee Man was back at the DIY shed this morning and I am about to go and test it... yes it's bath time again!

If anyone wishes to know anything about plumbing whether it be copper or plastic, metric or imperial, push fit compression or Yorkshire I'm your gal!!!!


Sighs..... time to go and try again

Noisy!

The drying out man has just left, taking with him 2m squared of my ceiling, same amount of wallpaper and leaving me with dehumidifying machines to dry out my ceiling and walls. And they are NOISY!!!!

I don't think they will be on overnight somehow?

The plumber came back - again and hopefully has sorted the leak, but then I said that last time. I am about to find out - time to run a bath-- wish me luck as you wave me goodbye. there is a genuine chance I will come though the ceiling tonight as I have none (giggle)

Gotta laugh!

Drip drip drip

Well, when I had a bath last night, I came back downstairs to more water, has the leak moved? So sick of this. I tried to recreate it this morning and not a drop so it all hinges on tonight's bath. Please let it be ok.... please...

I went to Pilates this morning then popped in to see my mam. Went over to Coffee Man's to cook him a proper dinner (or is that breakfast since he is on nights)

I even suggested his friend comes over - she is going away for a month and is very nervous and hung up about it. See I can be nice sometimes!

Anyway time to pray that I don't come crashing through the ceiling with the bath. Not a pretty sight for the emergency crew!

Wet wet wet

Well, the slight leak I discovered Thursday, after many attempts to resolve and locate the problem has turned into a major leak. In fact leak is an understatement - flood or deluge may be more appropriate.

Coffee Man was great, when he rang to say goodnight he realised I was upset and came over, arriving at 11.30pm, we worked until 2 trying to fix it to no avail. He worked all day with multiple tips to DIY sheds and plumbers merchants (why do they still close at midday?) until we admitted defeat at 3. He had to go to work tonight and there were things he should have been doing today.

I got an emergency plumber (or should that be extortionate plumber? - £150 for an hour's work!!!!!!!!!!!) and it is fixed. I hope. Now I need to address the problem of no ceiling in my hallway and the walls are soaked. It needs replastering and redecorating now. That was not in the project plan!

So much for a leisurely weekend - the first one with no study in a year.
Sheesh!

Coffee Man was really good this weekend even though I had a long discussion with him last night about "us". I explained how distant I was feeling, how lost and insecure. I said I wasn't sure where we were going about perhaps we should take a break. He doesn't want to and wants to try again.

Just have to wait and see I suppose.

I've not made any arrangements with the Dutchman for coffee yet.To tell the truth I'm scared. Rosie you were so spot on in yesterday's reply. So spot on I didn't get through it without tears.

Time will tell what will happen.

Mixed up

My Dutch ex text me yesterday t tell me he was coming home from Holland and could we meet up for coffee.

God I loved that man. But things were not to be and he went back to Holland 3 years ago. He had family issues that needed to be attended to.

Ever since he got back in touch I have been on a knife edge. He makes me laugh, he makes me get btterflies just at the thought of him. That has always been the case. I don't know if the current situation with Coffee Man is exacerbating that. He has not contacted at all today.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm kidding myself thinking a coffee is just a coffee. I don't know if I will see him for the first time in years and all those old feelings will come flooding back. Or if I will meet him, have a laugh over old times, and then part as friends and nothing more?

Is it worth the risk? I don't know. I just don't know.

I don't know if I just want to feel special and loved, that I am someone's priority - not an afterthought.

I need to work this out.

Grossed out on digestives

I am really cross with myself, I went into the exam this afternoon quite confident, but then sat down, read the compulsory question and my mind left the building. I could not remember the most basic of things. The minute I left the room it came flooding back. So resits here we come.

I spoke to a colleague who I had entrusted a piece of equipment too before I went on study leave and he called me today to tell me he had put it down somewhere and it had been stolen.

So a really good day!

The one bright part was that on my return home I checked my e-mail and I got a credit for the last assignment I posted, funnily enough the one I had the exam in today.

Not spoken to Coffee Man at all although he did text to wish me luck. Back to the inconsistency.

Mixed Feelings

Well, the day was half bad as expected but not the half I thought. I thought the morning would be ok but it was awful and the afternoon that I was dreading (management accounts and statistics) went really rather well. Strange.

So, I'm off for an early night again ready for the trials and tribulations of tomorrow.

Exams tomorrow

Mini blog.


I'm stressed, very stressed.

Can't remember anything for the exams.

Feeling very unloved - he has been with her all weekend. I didn't get a goodnight - he was out partying. He said hello by text from her place today at 2pm.

So, I'm going for an early night.

New PC

It was too late to post an entry last night. I picked up my new PC, (the old one although new was not working properly so I had to exchange it) so I spent the evening getting it all reset up. What a pain in the butt!

The new pc has Vista on it which of course was incompatible with my sevice provider so I had to jump through hoops to sort it.

It was back to the books again today, I am streaming with cold and supposed to be going to the gym tomorrow but don't think I will make it. Then it is study group with the girls ready for the dreaded day on Monday.


I've not seen Coffee Man since Thursday and after the warmth and closeness early in the week I'm feeling a little distant from him tonight. When he rang he had me on speaker phone as he is going out tonight. He has been over at his other female friend's today and is going back tomorrow. Just when I was feeling secure BAM.

A day of contemplation

Well, what can I say. Coffee Man arrived last night with a huge bouquet of deep red velvet roses. We went to the cinema and out for dinner where a most interesting conversation ensued.

My previous relationship was although mentally painful at the end, a turning point in my life. My ex was not only boyfriend, lover, partner, friend, he was also Master. Coffee Man has never experienced that type of a relationship before. I'm not entirely sure how it happended but the conversation came up over dinner. Although discrete, I did think the woman at the next table was going to choke at one point.

The outcome of this discussion is that he is interested in learning more. Where on earth do I go from here? I was the student, and here I am being cast in the role of tutor. I have friends in the scene over here but it somehow does not seem right to bring others in at this point. He wants to know what the scene is about but not too directly if that makes sense and I don't want to scare him. Sounds daft, scaring a potential Dom? I am probably hugely underestimating the way he would react but it is an odd situation for me and him.

He even had access to my toy box for the first time, it has been very carefully underwraps until now. He knew about my former relationship but it is the first time he has expressed an interest. His expressions were a picture. should have had my camera handy.

My mind has certainly not been on my study today though. Must do better tomorrow!

Sneezy and studying

I managed to get 2 modules done today - yippee, a bit concerned because it seemed to be sinking in. Let's hope I can recall it next week. Just think this time next week it is all over.

I have the opticians in the morning and then I got a phone call from the doctor asking me to go in for a check- up. That means I'm not going to get much done tomorrow.

Coffee Man is coming over tomorrow at 6 and we are going to the pictures. It is Valentine's Day after all.

I spent the evening on the phone to my mum, she has bought a new PC and is struggling to set it up. Hopefully she is ok now. It seemed to be working ok.

Wow!

Well, I've had a busy few days whilst I have been away, yes I know that is not unusual at the moment, life is frantic. I went looking at cars on Saturday and test driving them on Sunday, spent the night with Coffee Man on Saturday which was entertaining. Where he is having building work done, and where the weather has been absolutely wild with torrential rain and strong winds, his roof (what little of it there is at the minute) was leaking like a sieve, so I spent the night with him up a ladder or mopping. It was fun though, we felt really close.

Sunday was gym as normal, I came home and studied and then he came over for dinner. I was feeling unwell through the night, I had really bad cramp, he went and made me a herbal tea, came back to bed, hugged me and told me he loved me. Yes, he told me he loved me!!!

I have been really unsure about his feelings, he was badly hurt before and where I am an open book and you know my thoughts and feelings just to look at me, the most he had ever said before was that he liked me, a lot, but last night, he held me and told me he loved me.

I know I'm repeating myself but it came as such a shock. No, surprise. I asked when this had come about and he said he had been thinking about it for a few days.

So, wow!

He loves me!!!!!!

Sooo weary

Well yesterday went ok but I didn't sleep much the night before, I was up and down checking for snow most of the night. I looked at 3 for the last time and it was clear, when I got up at 4:30 there was 3 inches!
So, I pulled on my sweat pants and went out and cleared the car, came back in and had a hot coffee. By the time I left at 5:15 the car was covered again! By this time I was in my new brown suit and cream silk blouse, so I was gingerly trying to clear it again with an old baggy coat on and not get creased or wet.

Driving conditions were horrid, really quite scary. At that time of the morning I was the first car out and living on a hill it was not fun. Driving along by braille, when I could feel cats eyes or kerb strips I was moving over.

The day was long but informative but I was so tired by the time I got home at 11pm. I just jumped into the bath then straight into bed.

I still managed to be at my desk by 7 this morning and got loads done. I have to go and look at new cars tomorrow - exciting - the good thing about having a company car, the bad thing is the amount of tax I have to pay.

I'm going to look with my dad and collect some brochures and then Coffee Man should be up (he is working tonight) and he wants to have a look too.

He has asked if I want to go to the pictures in the evening, just the two of us :)

Busy, busy, busy

So much for a peaceful day. I think everybody in the world rang me except the one person I needed to speak to. But it was quite constructive and I have pre-empted lots of problems that would have crept up next week when I am off. I did manage to get my eyebrows waxed today though.

I have been warily keeping an eye on the forecast today as it is going to snow tomorrow - heavily. I am supposed to be going to the midlands tomorrow, a 4 hour journey in good conditions. I have the shovel in the boot and lots of warm clothes. Picture the scene - brand new posh tailored suit, a silk blouse---and wellingtons!

So hopefully I will make it back tomorrow!

A day in the smoke

I was in the east end of London all day today, within sight of the Millenium Dome and Canary Wharf. I hate driving round there, they all charge around and know where they are going. Carve you up and dive through impossible gaps. But it is interesting none the less.

The day was productive and we got lots done. I was quite cheerful when I left with the feeling of a job well done. I called into Bluewater on the way home and bought myself a lovely new suit. Where my shape has changed some of my suits are a little baggy now so I thought I had better start rebuilding the wardrobe. I have a big meeting on Thursday and I wanted to feel smart and confident. I shall practise putting my hair up tomorrow. I usually leave it wild and curly.

The journey home was not good though. A contractor dug through a gas mains pipe so the A2 was closed for 3 hours. It was 7pm before I got in , so much for an early afternoon. I got my study cards out of the boot and made use of the time though.

In my own office tomorrow so I should get loads done.