Doing FINE

A perceptive friend gave me this definition of what someone really means when they say "it's ok I'm fine"

F ucked up
I nsecure
N eurotic
E motional

Damn her!

Tired

I don't know if it is because of broken sleep or if I'm just working too hard right no but I am so darn tired.

I've been keeping up the chirpy alway happy to help out persona for months now hoping nobody will notice that it is just an empty shell and the essence of me that used to be there is not present.

Nobody has said anything, I guess the shell is performing adequately, should I be worried? I still feel as if I am in some strange out of body experience, I hear the words that come out of my mouth, see the expressions changing on my face, smiling politely, looking concerned when required, laughing at jokes but I'm not present inside. Ever since E made the decision that He had to go back to look after His daughter and consequently the marital home I have been in this alternate universe where nothing reaches me.

and still more

For someone who either never dreams or at least never remembers them they are coming thick and fast!

2 colleagues are with me, we are supposed to be working together but they go on ahead. The guy we have gone to see tells us that the quickest way to the meeting room is via the wall cavities (about 3 foot wide and rocky) I am wearing heels and carrying equipment and struggling so I call the other 2. They begrudgingly came back and took some of it and then scootled off again together leaving me behind. I have to navigate a steep slope in my heels and carrying a box. The cavity has loads of twists and turns and I lose my bearings. I see a gap in the wall and an Indian man is there I call out to him but he can't hear me at first. Eventually I attract his attention and ask him the way as my colleagues have gone. He points the way out and I continue my ascent, that was the point I woke up with the alarm. I was still annoyed with my 2 colleagues (they are like that in real life too)

It seems really strange why my dream activity is so intense and memorable and just so real right now.

Still dreaming

I was living in a large warehouse, full of tall racking and narrow aisles. I'm expecting a visitor and wearing a dressing gown, the door bell rings...I rush to answer it, I bounce to the door and answer it with a wide smile but the visitor is not who I am expecting, a strange man is there..I would recognise him again, he had very distinctive features, he pushes past me and I am powerless to stop him and then I wake...

Easter

For the last 2 nights I have had strange dreams, I can't make sense of them.

There is some kind of conflict where people are thrown together, SR's child is there but tiny, (if it is one of his daughter's they are much younger than they are currently, the other option is it is the child I miscarried, the age would be right.) SR's partner is there but it is not L (the witch). I can't see her. I am standing at a sink between 2 beds trying to brush my teeth but the first brush I pick up is dirty. I reach for the other which is recognisably mine.

As I start to brush my teeth SR approaches me from behind and just holds me. I feel safe. I turn to see the child pulling at the unit at the side of the room and balanced on the top is the most huge personal stereo in the world, I try to call out to stop the child getting crushed.

I can feel the presence of a lot of other people but I can't see them, the only ones I am aware of are SR and the child.

I've not consciously thought of SR in a while but this keeps recurring...

It's been a while.....

Have you noticed that when you hit the real low points in your life music takes on a new meaning, you have a heightened awareness of what the artist was thinking or feeling when he penned particular lyrics. It's been a while, (laughs softly) as I typed it a song came to mind that I had to play. It was one of those one hit wonders from 2001 that on the strength of a single song I bought the album but the album only emerges when in that sad melancholy frame of mind.

"It's been a while, since I could hold my head up high, it's been a while, since I first saw you, it's been a while since I could stand on my own two feet again, and it's been a while since I could call you."

"It's been a while since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do..."

See music matches the mood. The other one that has had a hammering this year is Damien Rice. "Cheers darlin" has a resonance beyond prior imagination.

So,2008, what has it brought? Well, E has returned to the ex wife and the family home and I am but a distant memory. He still texts but.... no just... but.

It's been a roller coaster of emotion and I feel guilty for immersing myself once more in misery, albeit in private, you see the nature of our relationship was never really public, so I guess on the one hand I have saved myself the pity of people knowing that life has been inverted once more, on the other I have nobody to understand and comfort me.

My boss must love the disaster that is my private life, when it goes wrong which is not infrequent he gets a totally committed employee, working 80 90 hours a week and more, concentrating hard in order to shut out the pain.

I feel selfish and guilty too though, my friend's father is dying and I'm trying so hard to be there and be supportive but I feel somehow detached. It's like astral projection, I almost feel as if I am watching myself go through the motions in life as an interested observer, not exactly feeling but showing the pretence of compassion.

I'll not lie, I've sat there with the pills and contemplated taking them, it's like how many times do I have to go through this, destined to live life without someone by my side, someone to come home to. I feel like I'm being punished but I don't know what my crime is. As if I am really a horrendously awful person, because all of these people I see as being mean and cruel or heartless all have happy home lives. Ergo I must be the awful one.

Self pity is an awful thing....tomorrow will be better.

The calm after the storm

Well Christmas and new year now seem like distant memories. They went in a whirl of family stuff. Did the traditional 'single daughter' thing over the festivities with the family. They never mention it but you can always see the equilibrium upset. The animals go by 2 by 2 and then oh, here comes the single daughter. The family don't know about E, so all I get are the pitying looks and , well, patronising comments I suppose. There were a few questioning looks as my phone beeped regularly though the day.

E is away right now, he has family connections 200 miles away that will keep him there for a while so I'm feeling a little lost. Strange huh?

We are talking daily, texting hourly, MSNing in between and I'm still missing him.

I've been working hard at college, more exams coming up soon and he is being exceptionally supportive. The weight which was starting to come off has come back on. I feel upside down and back to front and round the wrong way.

I'm not sure if he is going to be able to come back home, things are a little complicated and his youngest needs him.

Only time will tell.

Merry Christmas

That time of year again. Well Chistmas is well and truly upon us. Time to head down to my folks and be the single daughter again. E has his family around him so I shan't see him until the weekend. We will talk daily though.

I hope that everyone has a peaceful Christmas and a Happy New Year.

The end of Summer

The clocks went back at 2am this morning, all bar my body clock that is, so I have left E sleeping upstairs, He was working yesterday and was very tired.

So I have completed lots of (quiet) chores and the house is as it should be.

The end of a period always makes me stop and consider. When the clocks went forward I was still with CM (he rang on Friday, we talked for an hour, mainly about the other woman -his 'best friend' who still dominates his life) I was still very hung up on SR, I was missing the Dutchman. Truth be told I still miss the Dutchman. He is one of those guys that will always be in in my mind I think.

And now? I have met E, I am in a place in my mind that is calm and relaxed. It is the 1st anniversary of the eruption with SR next weekend and yet I am calm. I can see just how many things were wrong in that relationship and yet I hung on and tried to make it work. I must do some research - I can't remember who the patron saint of lost causes was but I'm sure I must have had an eye to her!

I am heading off to the gym soon, not sure why as I already feel bruised and battered from yesterday's session (gym not E)((although I do have a tingle and a redness to my rear that I cannot put down to the treadmill))

I have put on 7 pounds this last 2 months (ish) through non-attendance and working away so I need to get that back off again. E has promised to help and set me targets to work to. I weigh in on a Saturday and if it is only me looking it is a case of 'bugger must try harder next week' if E is watching He will set me tasks to do that He knows I hate in order to spur me on to the extra session in the gym or the healthy food choice.

I also know however that I will be rewarded for a loss as was demonstrated last night when He gave me a preview. I know however that there will be no repetition until I have lost 2 pounds!

That man knows how to motivate a girl! Time to get ready and take His tea before I go.

Still lax

Yes I know I know, I read another post today and it commented on how sometimes there is just no compulsion to blog.

One of the reasons I started my blog was to empty my brain of all those thoughts that clutter it up and cloud your judgement. Borne of sadness and confusion. Even when I was seeing Coffee Man I continued to blog, there was still something missing, since meeting E life seems more complete. I feel relaxed and comfortable, the feelings that SR stirred have been fulfilled.

I was skating on the extremes of a secret world, now I have been given the key. I feel like I have been given the most wondrous gift in the world.

Work is busy, frantic even and yet I feel calm, I know that the minute I clock off I am His and have just one responsibility and that is Him.

I never expected to feel this treasured, like a piece of fragile crystal does that seem strange? It is a wonderful feeling.

Examined

Well I completed my 2 exams today so fingers crossed I did ok. The results are due back in December just in time for Xmas!

E has been great dealing with my pre-exam stress out too. Even testing me on theories and models.

So what is E like, lovely? No I shouldn't say that, makes him sound very un dom like.

He is just under 6' tall (that's very tall compared to me!) He has lovely almost black hair with perhaps a few wispy grey bits creeping in (He blames me for them), he is 42 (single - just in case anyone was wondering - Rosie.....) he has broad broad shoulders and a tattoo on his upper right arm. His voice is to die for- very home counties English (think Hugh Grant?) and the deepest blue grey eyes. Piercing in fact.


He has been in the lifestyle for 15 years or so, so a lot more experienced than me, but because of that he is very gentle, persistent but gentle. Gradually bringing new experiences to me, not so quick that i run like a startled rabbit though.


All in all, life is still good!

Update

Thngs are still going well. I'm settling in to E's routines and life seems strangely calm and placid.

I do have exams on Wednesday which I am approaching with trepidation but, I hate exams. If I fail it will not be from lack of study. At the moment things are in my brain. Whether they still will be when I sit down I don't know.

e has been encouraging me and being very supportive.

Work has been frantic with so much driving this week. Traffic has been horrendous.

Me?

I came 0ut as altruist,E came out as Sentry - (so true!!) So what about you???

Very lax indeed

As I have been reminded it has been 8 days since I last posted (that sounds like I am reliving my Catholic past doesn't it - 8 days since my last confession....)

It has been an extremely busy 8 days, in fact I could say that I have been somewhat tied up :)

So what has been happening? Revision mainly, working up to the exams in 2 weeks time, working hard at my main job, and getting to know E.

I feel like I have known him forever and ever, he seems to understand my every thought, fear and need. He is the first person I speak to in the morning and the last I speak to at night. When I go to the wardrobe to choose what to wear, my thoughts are what would he like to see me in. My usually hyper personality is calm. Things that would rile me leave me untouched.

Life is good.

Busy day

I started early this morning and went to the gym. I came home and cracked on with my revision. I finished the last of the modules last night. So I have my revision plan all mapped out for what I need to do before the 10/10.

E came over for dinner last night, and we had a really lovely night, I cooked his favourite meal and dessert, he brought the wine with him and we sat and talked and played until about 2am. He had to go into work first thing so we left together.

I won't see him again until Monday as we both have things to do tomorrow. I have to write an essay of things i want to try and things that worry me and things that are strictly off limits before then. (Any suggestions on things to try would be gratefully received, I'm feeling very unimaginative today - too much economics study!!)

Wednesday

I worked from home today as there was so much to do and it was easier to do it without interruptions. As a result it's all done and only 5.45. yay!


I'm trying to get the last of my college books done too so that I can concentrate on the exams next month. 3 more modules. I should get another one done tonight. Hopefully it will be revision time from Saturday.

Ok milla, just for you - I met E at a local munch some time ago but the time was not right. We bumped into each other about 5 weeks ago got chatting and things had changed at his end. So, we started talking lots and made it official last week.

I am falling into routine so easily it's as if he has been around for years. Already I am taking his thoughts into consideration when i am doing anything, I'm not seeing him tonight, and I'm missing him already.

Smiles - happy and sub again!!

Ok ok so it wasn't macrame! Shibari - macrame hey it's almost the same, isn't it?

I feel like I've come home with E. There has been so much discussion taking place to ensure it is right and we are finding out about each other, likes and dislikes, limits etc.

I'm having limits set and he has placed reminders for me of my training. It's going to be a slow process but it feels right.

We are going to Birmingham for BBB next month, the next one is next Sunday but prior engagements are not conducive.



In other news i have only one more workbook to do to complete module. Exams are starting to loom and I'm getting jumpy!

Knot my usual Wednesday night

So, He is into macrame? I spent an interesting evening learning the basics of knots and methods of restraint.

I never realised how beautiful it could be and how sophisticated the skill. How balanced and co-ordinated it had to be.

I'm learning lots!

Slowly slowly

He rang last night, we were on the phone for over 2 hours again. Our working lives are similar and although he is local to me, work takes him away for long periods.

He makes me laugh and provokes thoughts that have never entered my consciousness.

I have remained quiet until now as, well, you know my luck, I wanted to be sure. This is the first time I have knowingly entered into a D/s relationship. With discussion and decisions made, I feel nervous, a little scared, excited, a whole plethora of emotions. Is that normal?

He has been totally open with me, and it feels more contractual right now than emotional as he wants me to be sure. I always thought that there was something missing in my 'normal' relationships and I suppose now we will know.

Wish me luck....

Nervous anticipation

I have met someone with whom I am in discussion. Not just anyone, but someone whom I have been getting to know and trust over a period of time.

He has similar life interests and is interested in a journey together.

There is no formal arrangement as yet, we will get to understand each other more first.

But fingers crossed......