Miserable

Yet again my thoughts have been with SR today, thinking this time last year I was doing x,y,z.

The reason it is so fresh in my mind is that tomorrow is the anniversary of my last miscarriage. I remember that weekend so very well, He was so tender and caring, we had to make the decision whether to have an abortion (His preference) or trying to proceed with the pregnancy. Owing to a medical complication it would be an extremely problematical pregnancy. The decision was taken away. He bought me a plant on the day, a really unusual one, as a memorial, this was even before I lost the baby as the sensible thing to do was to have a termination. But we went out to the Royal Horticultural Gardens for the day and ended up in their nursery. He bought 2 identical plants, one for me and one for Him. I lost the baby at 1 am the following day. The funny thing is the plant is just coming into flower, it didn't flower for a couple of weeks last year but it is going to be at its height tomorrow. I wonder how His is doing?

Other than that I have spent the weekend doing chores around the house and garden, and lots of study. I had planned for 4 hours but I have done nearer 7.


I've still not heard from the Dutchman.

Keeping the faith

Well, he promised we would have coffee this week and I've not heard from him since.

Now, I know he was driving to Holland on Friday, I know his dad is very unwell.

His texts have not been read and his phone is switched off. Now, if he was ignoring me the phone would ring and go to answer and not just straight to voicemail. Texts sent at various times at least one would get through.

Now if he was planning a quick trip it would be no surprise that he forgot his phone charger, it may even be flat.

See, rational, calm. Trying to stave off thoughts that I scared him off.

I've signed up to an 8 week programme at the gym starting Saturday week. That should keep my concentration off men,

Mutters

Mixed up

My Dutch ex text me yesterday t tell me he was coming home from Holland and could we meet up for coffee.

God I loved that man. But things were not to be and he went back to Holland 3 years ago. He had family issues that needed to be attended to.

Ever since he got back in touch I have been on a knife edge. He makes me laugh, he makes me get btterflies just at the thought of him. That has always been the case. I don't know if the current situation with Coffee Man is exacerbating that. He has not contacted at all today.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm kidding myself thinking a coffee is just a coffee. I don't know if I will see him for the first time in years and all those old feelings will come flooding back. Or if I will meet him, have a laugh over old times, and then part as friends and nothing more?

Is it worth the risk? I don't know. I just don't know.

I don't know if I just want to feel special and loved, that I am someone's priority - not an afterthought.

I need to work this out.