Long distance relationships?

No, no way not me.... never....with a long distance Dom?? No!

Ok, so how many times have I said to myself that I could never do an online relationship? I have seen friends struggle, some succeed, some fail.

I have chatted with this Dom for years now, one of the first I spoke to when researching what was going on in my life and what these feelings were. He is an honest, funny, intelligent man. He has seen me go through peaks and troughs and always been there. And He is 3,500 miles away.

Recently, we started talking away from others, and it just clicked. We talked about my recent attempts at vanilla relationships and He just smiled and waited for me to come to the conclusion that He knew all along.

We have discussed visits, this will be difficult on both sides. But.....oh, this is mad. He is 3,500 miles away.

There are so many things, ideas, opinions and such like that we have in common, however there are 3,500 miles between us...damn damn damn damn damn.

He makes me laugh, I look forward to getting home from work to see a message or two from Him. He looks forward to mine too.

But He is 3,500 miles away.

Have I mentioned He is 3,500 miles away!

What on earth am I doing?

The Happening pt 3

Well, a good news post at last. In the summer of last year I met someone who made me turn to jelly, a D personality that resounded and every contact left me shaking. Even at the time rereading my blog, the way He makes me feel has not changed. Well this week I am working from the Welsh office and bumped into Him again. We got chatting, He asked leading questions about my domestic circumstances, my replies demonstrated I was obviously solo.

We chatted some more about everything but work, He dropped in an as I'm a single man if I want to ride my motorbike and buy a new one at the drop of a hat I can. I did the discreet, 'oh, I thought you had a gf' bit to which He replied no....

We chatted on and He flirted outrageously, showed me His new slimline figure, said He is happy as long as His head gets stroked (sounds daft now but at the time..well yanno) and asked who would fancy a bald, ugly bloke.

For the past year, no matter where our paths have crossed (and even when I was with E, ) He has made me tremble...

When He walked into the office I was using this morning (not one He has any reason to use) He came straight over, I was with 2 female colleagues, but He came straight over to me and said good morning, gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and said jokingly He had to start the day with a cuddle. (He didn't do this to either of my colleagues)

I don't know what to think...

Answer on a postcard please....

and still more

For someone who either never dreams or at least never remembers them they are coming thick and fast!

2 colleagues are with me, we are supposed to be working together but they go on ahead. The guy we have gone to see tells us that the quickest way to the meeting room is via the wall cavities (about 3 foot wide and rocky) I am wearing heels and carrying equipment and struggling so I call the other 2. They begrudgingly came back and took some of it and then scootled off again together leaving me behind. I have to navigate a steep slope in my heels and carrying a box. The cavity has loads of twists and turns and I lose my bearings. I see a gap in the wall and an Indian man is there I call out to him but he can't hear me at first. Eventually I attract his attention and ask him the way as my colleagues have gone. He points the way out and I continue my ascent, that was the point I woke up with the alarm. I was still annoyed with my 2 colleagues (they are like that in real life too)

It seems really strange why my dream activity is so intense and memorable and just so real right now.

I wish I knew!!!

Today was SR's daughter's birthday so I rang to wish her a happy birthday. First time I have spoken to her since the Xmas incident. She seemed to be happy to hear from me?

Long pause


Thoughtful silence


Someone has accessed Dutchman's e-mail as the mail I sent early last month was read. I've sent another asking to know if he is alive or not. Perhaps I shouldn't have??


Confused

Smiles

A watched phone never rings, but perhaps one you glance at once or twice might beep?
The Dutchman text this morning to say he was on his way home and then rang me from the port when he got back to Kent. We chatted for 20 minutes and as ever he wound me up, teased me, flirted, cared. I have such a maelstrom of emotions with this man. He has the knack of producing every emotion known to woman.

I hate it when he goes home as his accent is so thick when he returns, and combined with a mobile phone I sometimes struggle to understand him which he teases me for. He can be so juvenile one minute and the next he makes me feel like the only woman on earth. It would never last would it? And yet when I don't hear from him I feel like there is something missing. I don't know what to do with him for sanity. My family would hate him, they never did meet him when we were dating as I don't live on their doorstep. They hated SR as the Dutchman is zanier. He is very ...... continental. By that I mean he is blunt. My family is very English. We don't talk about anything important emotionally. Stiff upper lip, and I know that sounds old fashioned but it's the way my family are. If he wants to say something he does, if he thinks it he says it. That's how I know my family would not approve. Mentally he was always tender with me and if I was upset he was so gentle. He is a big flirt and I remember one time he took it too far. We were in a pub, and I just welled up (PMT) he took one look at my red eyes and was mortified and devoted 110% of his attention to me afterwards. He is totally anti-establishment and I'm quite a conformist.

Now, on the other side of the coin (literally) my other friend also made contact after his weekend away. On the surface my family would love him. He has a respectable job, a respectable sense of humour and would never embarrass me. (well, not in the same way) we met through a lifestyle group, and have faded in and out of each other's lives over the last 12 months or so. When I first found out about SR's interests I set out to find out more, this guy has acted as a mentor. He expressed an interest in taking it further when things went down the pan with SR. Then I met CM and fell back into a vanilla lifestyle and once more that did not work.
Does it sound strange that I am too independent and headstrong to have a vanilla relationship and yet I thrive in a D/s one?

We keep making arrangements to meet up and things keep thwarting us. I know I always say things happen for a reason, but if I'm using my head not my heart I feel that long term he is better for me. Perhaps I just need one last mad fling with the Dutchman to prove it though?

I sound like such a tart! I'm not...honest, well only when I'm told to be....

More confusion

I really didn't need the Dutchman ringing for the first time in ages and saying he hoped that I was going to tell him I was single!!


Isn't my life complicated enough????????

Sunday

Where do I start, last weekend I felt really relaxed and comfortable with him. Now I don't know what to think or feel.

Thursday evening he knew I was upset but left it 4 hours before he rang. I didn't pick up. He then rang my mobile and then text me. He then rang the home phone again. I left it an hour and text him to say that I would drop his things off on Friday, if he was out i would leave them with the builders.

He text back saying we should talk so I bathed and went to bed. He text Friday morning to say that he still wanted me to come for the weekend. I said I wasn't sure.

I didn't leave work until late and when I got to his he was hoe. And guess what. So was she!!! She was at his house as she has loaned him a bed. She then told him to put the kettle on. Whilst he was in the kitchen she asked if we had had a tiff as the atmosphere was frosty. I didn't elaborate to much, she was there for ages.

When she eventually left she whispered that she would leave us alone for a 'team talk'. I'm struggling for words here.

The patronising bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111

Sorry, I looked for a politically correct way of explaining my feelings and couldn't. We sat for a couple of hours and talked. I told him exactly what was troubling me, about how she was always there and he always spoke of her. He explained that over the last few years they had leaned on each other and he found it hard to stop now. I explained that I hated the way he told her everything and he has promised not to. He admitted that he had told her about the current tiff. So her 'detecting a frosty atmosphere' was a load of rubbish. I had done my best to cover it and be light and easy in her presence.

He even told me he loved me, something that is rarely said, indeed never unless I bring up the conversation. He did not realise how upset I was.

I dried my eyes and we went to his friends' who were getting married. It was the first time I had met them. They were so welcoming and friendly towards me.

The wedding yesterday went well and again I was made welcome by his friends and he was very attentive despite his duties as best man. He kept me near all day. Today was finishing off those duties and seeing them all again, taking the presents over and the suits to the hire shop.

I couldn't let him touch me though. I was still too fraught. No doubt I shall be back where I was last week by next week but... oh I don't know......

Am I flogging a dead horse? I believe he does genuinely care but he finds it hard to express his feelings. I find this hard as I get so insecure. History has made me this way and however hard I try to break the Pavlovian conditioning it still lurks there in the back.

Still thinking

I had a busy day today trying to combine work with the builders.

still thinking, still confused, he has been attentive today,

Speak of the devil, he's just text and is about to ring

*shrugs*

Mixed up

My Dutch ex text me yesterday t tell me he was coming home from Holland and could we meet up for coffee.

God I loved that man. But things were not to be and he went back to Holland 3 years ago. He had family issues that needed to be attended to.

Ever since he got back in touch I have been on a knife edge. He makes me laugh, he makes me get btterflies just at the thought of him. That has always been the case. I don't know if the current situation with Coffee Man is exacerbating that. He has not contacted at all today.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm kidding myself thinking a coffee is just a coffee. I don't know if I will see him for the first time in years and all those old feelings will come flooding back. Or if I will meet him, have a laugh over old times, and then part as friends and nothing more?

Is it worth the risk? I don't know. I just don't know.

I don't know if I just want to feel special and loved, that I am someone's priority - not an afterthought.

I need to work this out.

A calm day

I went to the gym this morning and worked very very hard. I've put on another pound- eeek! Stress and study is no good for your butt!

I went to see my mam who is looking much better than she was and has had no further falls luckily. She too is feeling fat and flumpy.

I went on to Coffee Man's and we had quite a nice afternoon, we went out for lunch and had a chat, some normality is back. I don't feel able to be as open with him as I was before, I feel very guarded. Like if I was to open up to him, he would throw it back at me and walk away. I know that is my own insecurities talking.

After husband no 2 having his affair and walking away and a string of failed relationships since, all of whom I have been really open and given my heart to. Ending with SR who I loved and hated at the same time. I thought I saw him this morning, it shook me up and left me tearful and on edge. If it was him he is cheating on the woman he left me for, but then, that's a possibility. He too cheated on me after all.

Coffee Man was so tender with me today. I was so reserved with him, and I know I was. Usually I bound up and hug him and kiss him, today it was almost a peck on the cheek and no more.

I need to sort my brain out. He won't put up with me for long acting like that.


I ended the day laying with the PC and trying new formats, not sure if I like the colours though...