I saw some photos today of SR. The witch was also in the photos. She looked as chubby and (especially as they were at a party) looked as if no effort at all had been made. And no that's not me being bitchy. My hair assumes both a life and a personality of its own, yet if I am out with my man at a party it is tamed into submission. (Deliberate choice of words!) He has grown a double chin and a paunch too. He looked happy enough but even in photos where they were together he wasn't looking at her.
Am I just reading into these pics what I want to see? Probably....
You know, people are in your past for a reason, there is a damned good set of reasons he didn't make it into my future. When I am being logical, he has anger management issues and can be violent (uncontrolled anger is not good in a Dom) he was selfish. He cheated. He made his kids lie to me. (I am still great friends with one of them) My family hated him. He ruined my mother's birthday party that my sister held for her. He insulted their guests. So, why the hell do I still think of him?
I am so very cross with myself!
Showing posts with label angry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label angry. Show all posts
Monday, January 12, 2009
Saturday, March 29, 2008
and still more
For someone who either never dreams or at least never remembers them they are coming thick and fast!
2 colleagues are with me, we are supposed to be working together but they go on ahead. The guy we have gone to see tells us that the quickest way to the meeting room is via the wall cavities (about 3 foot wide and rocky) I am wearing heels and carrying equipment and struggling so I call the other 2. They begrudgingly came back and took some of it and then scootled off again together leaving me behind. I have to navigate a steep slope in my heels and carrying a box. The cavity has loads of twists and turns and I lose my bearings. I see a gap in the wall and an Indian man is there I call out to him but he can't hear me at first. Eventually I attract his attention and ask him the way as my colleagues have gone. He points the way out and I continue my ascent, that was the point I woke up with the alarm. I was still annoyed with my 2 colleagues (they are like that in real life too)
It seems really strange why my dream activity is so intense and memorable and just so real right now.
2 colleagues are with me, we are supposed to be working together but they go on ahead. The guy we have gone to see tells us that the quickest way to the meeting room is via the wall cavities (about 3 foot wide and rocky) I am wearing heels and carrying equipment and struggling so I call the other 2. They begrudgingly came back and took some of it and then scootled off again together leaving me behind. I have to navigate a steep slope in my heels and carrying a box. The cavity has loads of twists and turns and I lose my bearings. I see a gap in the wall and an Indian man is there I call out to him but he can't hear me at first. Eventually I attract his attention and ask him the way as my colleagues have gone. He points the way out and I continue my ascent, that was the point I woke up with the alarm. I was still annoyed with my 2 colleagues (they are like that in real life too)
It seems really strange why my dream activity is so intense and memorable and just so real right now.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
Breaking my heart
SR hasn't rung, or text, or e-mailed. Nothing to say I or the baby ever existed in His life. In fact He took my replacement - the one He was screwing around with out for dinner.
I'm sure they had a lovely time.
Why the hell can I not move on. I hate what He did to me. I hate the way He made me feel, I hate the fact that I let Him treat me that way. I never really really loved Him. But there is a string there I cannot cut. More than once I was going to leave Him, but He got in first. He hurt me so badly and yet I still crave His attention.
You must think I'm mad.
He is half the man (in all ways) that the Dutchman is. Don't get me wrong , I still love the Dutchman, I always have and probably always will, whatever happens. We had something magical. But there is some evil thread linking me to Him but not the other way round. If I died tomorrow He would just shrug.
I don't know if it was just the baby that makes me feel this way about Him? So many times over the last two days I have picked up the phone to call Him, I am so proud of myself that I haven't though.
Still no word from the Dutchman either. I had a really odd feeling this morning too at 7.15 that there had been a death somewhere, I'm just waiting to hear whose though. I wish he would just let me know he is ok. He's a bugger for doing this!
I'm sure they had a lovely time.
Why the hell can I not move on. I hate what He did to me. I hate the way He made me feel, I hate the fact that I let Him treat me that way. I never really really loved Him. But there is a string there I cannot cut. More than once I was going to leave Him, but He got in first. He hurt me so badly and yet I still crave His attention.
You must think I'm mad.
He is half the man (in all ways) that the Dutchman is. Don't get me wrong , I still love the Dutchman, I always have and probably always will, whatever happens. We had something magical. But there is some evil thread linking me to Him but not the other way round. If I died tomorrow He would just shrug.
I don't know if it was just the baby that makes me feel this way about Him? So many times over the last two days I have picked up the phone to call Him, I am so proud of myself that I haven't though.
Still no word from the Dutchman either. I had a really odd feeling this morning too at 7.15 that there had been a death somewhere, I'm just waiting to hear whose though. I wish he would just let me know he is ok. He's a bugger for doing this!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)