Mixed emotions

I saw some photos today of SR. The witch was also in the photos. She looked as chubby and (especially as they were at a party) looked as if no effort at all had been made. And no that's not me being bitchy. My hair assumes both a life and a personality of its own, yet if I am out with my man at a party it is tamed into submission. (Deliberate choice of words!) He has grown a double chin and a paunch too. He looked happy enough but even in photos where they were together he wasn't looking at her.
Am I just reading into these pics what I want to see? Probably....

You know, people are in your past for a reason, there is a damned good set of reasons he didn't make it into my future. When I am being logical, he has anger management issues and can be violent (uncontrolled anger is not good in a Dom) he was selfish. He cheated. He made his kids lie to me. (I am still great friends with one of them) My family hated him. He ruined my mother's birthday party that my sister held for her. He insulted their guests. So, why the hell do I still think of him?

I am so very cross with myself!

Easter

For the last 2 nights I have had strange dreams, I can't make sense of them.

There is some kind of conflict where people are thrown together, SR's child is there but tiny, (if it is one of his daughter's they are much younger than they are currently, the other option is it is the child I miscarried, the age would be right.) SR's partner is there but it is not L (the witch). I can't see her. I am standing at a sink between 2 beds trying to brush my teeth but the first brush I pick up is dirty. I reach for the other which is recognisably mine.

As I start to brush my teeth SR approaches me from behind and just holds me. I feel safe. I turn to see the child pulling at the unit at the side of the room and balanced on the top is the most huge personal stereo in the world, I try to call out to stop the child getting crushed.

I can feel the presence of a lot of other people but I can't see them, the only ones I am aware of are SR and the child.

I've not consciously thought of SR in a while but this keeps recurring...

The end of Summer

The clocks went back at 2am this morning, all bar my body clock that is, so I have left E sleeping upstairs, He was working yesterday and was very tired.

So I have completed lots of (quiet) chores and the house is as it should be.

The end of a period always makes me stop and consider. When the clocks went forward I was still with CM (he rang on Friday, we talked for an hour, mainly about the other woman -his 'best friend' who still dominates his life) I was still very hung up on SR, I was missing the Dutchman. Truth be told I still miss the Dutchman. He is one of those guys that will always be in in my mind I think.

And now? I have met E, I am in a place in my mind that is calm and relaxed. It is the 1st anniversary of the eruption with SR next weekend and yet I am calm. I can see just how many things were wrong in that relationship and yet I hung on and tried to make it work. I must do some research - I can't remember who the patron saint of lost causes was but I'm sure I must have had an eye to her!

I am heading off to the gym soon, not sure why as I already feel bruised and battered from yesterday's session (gym not E)((although I do have a tingle and a redness to my rear that I cannot put down to the treadmill))

I have put on 7 pounds this last 2 months (ish) through non-attendance and working away so I need to get that back off again. E has promised to help and set me targets to work to. I weigh in on a Saturday and if it is only me looking it is a case of 'bugger must try harder next week' if E is watching He will set me tasks to do that He knows I hate in order to spur me on to the extra session in the gym or the healthy food choice.

I also know however that I will be rewarded for a loss as was demonstrated last night when He gave me a preview. I know however that there will be no repetition until I have lost 2 pounds!

That man knows how to motivate a girl! Time to get ready and take His tea before I go.

Lunch

I went to lunch with SR's daughter and her boyfriend in their new home today. The first time we have really really chatted since the break up. She assured me it was safe as he had taken her to France for the weekend!

I tried to avoid her father's name coming up but she brought it up first. Primarily because she hates his new girlfriend (she calls her the witch) apparently she is really smug about 'winning' him. What she doesn't know and his daughter does is that he is also having intimate relations with a married woman. (snigger)

She feels forced out of her own home by this woman and her kids, she came home from uni (expected) to find her sons in her bedroom and no room for her in her own home. Her father defends the witch (as she shall henceforth be known) even before his own kids. The youngest daughter goes out drinking until 3am in the morning 3 times a week and barely scraped through her GCSEs. I am worried about her but can't do anything, her father ignores it whilst it does not interfere with his life.

I met his ex-wife once after a problem with the youngest last year, funnily enough I found out today that we actually have a mutual appreciation society. Odd huh?

So today was quite enlightening. I walked to the shop with the boyfriend whilst daughter no 1 made lunch, I got the unbiased side from him, he really hates SR for what he did to me. My next problem though is their house warming party, they want me to go but He will be there with the witch. What do I do???

Friday

I went to the gym for the first time this week, I only did half what I normally do and the sweat was just pouring out of me. I guess the bug is still with me.

I only have one part of my assignment left to do but I just could not get motivated today. I had a look at the assessment for next week though and put some thoughts together.

I did get the grass cut and the edges strimmed in the garden though. I thought I would get out there in the brief dry interlude.

I keep thinking of SR again today, I don't know why, probably the thought of the weekend looming in front and the knowledge she is there. I wish I could just get over this, it is so annoying. How long does it take for goodness sake???? I get so annoyed with myself. His daughter has asked me to visit her in her new home on Sunday. Be nice to catch up with her and her boyfriend.

Tuesday again!

Lax again.

Ok, so what has been occurring? I've been working hard all last week, going to the gym, and thinking.

I think too much I know, sometimes I should just let things be.

The dork made contact yesterday and we actually ended up having a bit of a laugh. No hopes are being held out there though.

SR's daughter made contact today, things have become unbearable in the family home with Him and the woman who was not going to be around for long and who is still there. She has asked me to go for dinner on Sunday.

I went to see Shrek today, it was funny. I went with my brother, he is as big a kid as me.

Oh and I have caught a cold, typical huh?

That's all folks!

Ramblings!

Ok, I shall start with a confession, I had a rather large glass of wine on an empty stomach, so please forgive typos and ramblings.

I should have mentioned Kent's biggest news in a century yesterday but I forgot. (See how much significance it had in my life?) We had an earthquake. Yes, the most excitement seen in Folkestone since they closed the amusements. well, Folkestone is claiming the credit but it was 7 miles out in the English Channel. Worryingly enough it was right next to the Tunnel. Hmmm and my friend who works on it wonders why I have never used it?

It started me thinking though. What would have happened if it was on the north Kent coast not the south? There is a munitions ship that sunk off the Isle of Sheppey, the SS Montgomery from memory, and every year teams have to go out and check it to make sure it is not about to blow up the whole of the Isle of Sheppey. (Although some may think that would be preferable)


Today SR has been on my mind all day, I think it is because I saw a biker this morning who may or may not have been him, I didn't really get a chance to register, I did register that the rider looked at me long and hard before riding off, it may have been him, it may not, I really am not sure, but his reaction suggests it was. I was in the car going the other way.

Must repeat to myself the man was a bastard a thousand times over.

Anyway, I'm in a hotel, still got a few things to finish off. Not much - just signing certificates.

A cathartic exercise?

Ok. Let's get the brain emptied so I can move on. This is going to be the equivalent of the letter that is written but never sent.

Ignore it, it will make no sense but it may help to straighten my brain. Anyone reading this will think I'm mad, schizophrenic, obsessed and odd but it's only the internal thoughts most people have (I hope) but don't ever externalise.

Most people view me as cool, logical, 'the sensible one' if only they knew the turmoil in the brain. A typical Gemini, can see all sides at once. That brings it own chaos though.

But I digress.

I met SR at the airport I fly from in August 2005. He was there on his bike looking cool and sexy. Not handsome but with an air of control and command. He knew what he wanted and was going to get it. We flirted and verbally sparred and agreed to meet up that evening and go to the beach. I drove as I wanted to be in control of what happened. (sensible see!)

We went to the beach - it rained, we got soaked and I have probably not laughed as much before or since. I resisted his physical advances for all of 3 weeks! When we did get together it was fantastic! The best lover I have ever had, ok I admit it, he was the best.

The next few months were magical. New Year in particular, I will always smile when I hear Dr Hook's 'love you a little bit more' we danced all night and it was just - magical.

Things started to get cooler in the March. At the end of the month he said that he needed more and it was not fair on me to continue as he wanted to experience 'other women'.

We remained close friends and still had an occasional physical relationship but I knew he was seeing other women. I tried to be 'adult' about it but it hurt. I didn't want to lose him altogether.

I even arranged dates. One of which I cancelled as I was going out of the door as he needed me to help with a problem with his daughter who was being a spoilt brat. He controlled everything I did still.

We went to a bank holiday garden show together and he boasted of how he was 'shagging a Thai girl' it broke my heart as I knew something. I was pregnant.


Because of a pre-existent condition I knew I could not carry the baby. I had a decision to make, try, and risk us both or have an abortion. He favoured the abortion as he did not want more kids. He also would rather have me alive than dead. We still spent a lot of time together.

We had a beautiful day out on the Sunday, we went to a horticultural society, even got erm, interesting in the reeds :)

That night after I went home, I got pains in my stomach and lost the baby at 1am. To the strains of Elvis Presley's 'in the ghetto'. SR loved Elvis. I told him in the morning and he was very caring. I just dealt with everything myself.

Within 3 weeks he had met and was dating L. He told me she was just a fling nothing serious. We continued seeing each other and having sex but not as often.

In the August he helped me landscape my garden. That's when our relationship turned. He had had previous D/s relationships and one balmy afternoon it happened. I realised what had been missing in my life and why my relationships had been somehow wrong. We explored this for the next few months. I still got frustrated when he was seeing her. He always said she was not permanent. I was his no 1. I won every time. He said.

I knew there were other too but ignored it. I did get jealous.


In the November L found out about me and gave him an ultimatum. He chose her. She had threatened all sorts and was going through lots of shit at home. He came - told me and walked away.

The baby was due in December and i really needed him. I hadn't told anyone because of his kids. He thought it best they didn't know. At that point I needed someone though. He ignored me. I went through it alone and felt myself going into depression again. I was seeing a new guy, rebound! I couldn't and indeed have not told him. His daughter rang me again, again she was in trouble, I dropped everything and sorted her out, again he said he was grateful but that was it, we haven't spoken since. I wished him a happy new year and L replied on his phone (he is not even allowed to carry his mobile now!) They are still together. I saw him and her a few weeks ago, he was bellowing at her. He really does have anger problems.

He tried to hit me twice, once when I told him I was pregnant and once when I got upset when he told me it was over. His ex-wife had warned me about this.

He was a very selfish man at times. He always said that he had been married for 20 years and so now would do what he wanted when he wanted. This meant that I could never plan and he often let me down at the last minute. L is as selfish as he is. She is even always flirting with a friend of mine. So really they deserve each other.
I think my current confusion stems from the fact that he awoke something in me that I did not previously know, and as soon as I discovered it it was taken away. So I'm back living a 'normal' lifestyle having realised that it was not for me.

Strangely enough, he is living a vanilla life too.

I loved him in a way but many is the time I thought of ending it because of his behaviour. It hurts because he ended it not me. It hurts because of the baby. It hurts because I still have to pass his house to get to work. It hurts because I feel like I'm in the wrong as he won't communicate. It hurts because L gloats. It hurts because he lied and said it would be over soon and he is still with her. It hurts because of the harsh look he had on his face as if to say 'so what? you never meant anything to me anyway.'

But now it is over, long over, never to be repeated and I have to put him in that box. I don't know what label to put on it. 'Mistake' seems harsh, 'experience' is probably more appropriate.

Remember the saying, people enter your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, so which one was he. I think his reason must have been to open my eyes to who I am. It is now up to me to follow the path or not.

Home again

Well the Easter weekend went well. Coffee Man and I spent quality time together, went out for dinner, visited my parents yesterday and went to Rye today. All in all a lovely time. And every single day my mind was on SR. It was exactly 5 months since the break up on Thursday and 5 months since I started seeing Coffee Man yesterday. Yes I know i jumped in too quick. I said that at the time.

I don't know why I keep thinking of him, good times and bad. I wish I could stop though. I tried to put him to the back of my thoughts. Coffee Man and I are planning a long weekend in Amsterdam next month, possibly for my birthday.

I must move on, as an old colleague used to say "the past is a foreign country, they do things different there!"