A watched phone never rings, but perhaps one you glance at once or twice might beep?
The Dutchman text this morning to say he was on his way home and then rang me from the port when he got back to Kent. We chatted for 20 minutes and as ever he wound me up, teased me, flirted, cared. I have such a maelstrom of emotions with this man. He has the knack of producing every emotion known to woman.
I hate it when he goes home as his accent is so thick when he returns, and combined with a mobile phone I sometimes struggle to understand him which he teases me for. He can be so juvenile one minute and the next he makes me feel like the only woman on earth. It would never last would it? And yet when I don't hear from him I feel like there is something missing. I don't know what to do with him for sanity. My family would hate him, they never did meet him when we were dating as I don't live on their doorstep. They hated SR as the Dutchman is zanier. He is very ...... continental. By that I mean he is blunt. My family is very English. We don't talk about anything important emotionally. Stiff upper lip, and I know that sounds old fashioned but it's the way my family are. If he wants to say something he does, if he thinks it he says it. That's how I know my family would not approve. Mentally he was always tender with me and if I was upset he was so gentle. He is a big flirt and I remember one time he took it too far. We were in a pub, and I just welled up (PMT) he took one look at my red eyes and was mortified and devoted 110% of his attention to me afterwards. He is totally anti-establishment and I'm quite a conformist.
Now, on the other side of the coin (literally) my other friend also made contact after his weekend away. On the surface my family would love him. He has a respectable job, a respectable sense of humour and would never embarrass me. (well, not in the same way) we met through a lifestyle group, and have faded in and out of each other's lives over the last 12 months or so. When I first found out about SR's interests I set out to find out more, this guy has acted as a mentor. He expressed an interest in taking it further when things went down the pan with SR. Then I met CM and fell back into a vanilla lifestyle and once more that did not work.
Does it sound strange that I am too independent and headstrong to have a vanilla relationship and yet I thrive in a D/s one?
We keep making arrangements to meet up and things keep thwarting us. I know I always say things happen for a reason, but if I'm using my head not my heart I feel that long term he is better for me. Perhaps I just need one last mad fling with the Dutchman to prove it though?
I sound like such a tart! I'm not...honest, well only when I'm told to be....
Showing posts with label lifestyle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lifestyle. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
A cathartic exercise?
Ok. Let's get the brain emptied so I can move on. This is going to be the equivalent of the letter that is written but never sent.
Ignore it, it will make no sense but it may help to straighten my brain. Anyone reading this will think I'm mad, schizophrenic, obsessed and odd but it's only the internal thoughts most people have (I hope) but don't ever externalise.
Most people view me as cool, logical, 'the sensible one' if only they knew the turmoil in the brain. A typical Gemini, can see all sides at once. That brings it own chaos though.
But I digress.
I met SR at the airport I fly from in August 2005. He was there on his bike looking cool and sexy. Not handsome but with an air of control and command. He knew what he wanted and was going to get it. We flirted and verbally sparred and agreed to meet up that evening and go to the beach. I drove as I wanted to be in control of what happened. (sensible see!)
We went to the beach - it rained, we got soaked and I have probably not laughed as much before or since. I resisted his physical advances for all of 3 weeks! When we did get together it was fantastic! The best lover I have ever had, ok I admit it, he was the best.
The next few months were magical. New Year in particular, I will always smile when I hear Dr Hook's 'love you a little bit more' we danced all night and it was just - magical.
Things started to get cooler in the March. At the end of the month he said that he needed more and it was not fair on me to continue as he wanted to experience 'other women'.
We remained close friends and still had an occasional physical relationship but I knew he was seeing other women. I tried to be 'adult' about it but it hurt. I didn't want to lose him altogether.
I even arranged dates. One of which I cancelled as I was going out of the door as he needed me to help with a problem with his daughter who was being a spoilt brat. He controlled everything I did still.
We went to a bank holiday garden show together and he boasted of how he was 'shagging a Thai girl' it broke my heart as I knew something. I was pregnant.
Because of a pre-existent condition I knew I could not carry the baby. I had a decision to make, try, and risk us both or have an abortion. He favoured the abortion as he did not want more kids. He also would rather have me alive than dead. We still spent a lot of time together.
We had a beautiful day out on the Sunday, we went to a horticultural society, even got erm, interesting in the reeds :)
That night after I went home, I got pains in my stomach and lost the baby at 1am. To the strains of Elvis Presley's 'in the ghetto'. SR loved Elvis. I told him in the morning and he was very caring. I just dealt with everything myself.
Within 3 weeks he had met and was dating L. He told me she was just a fling nothing serious. We continued seeing each other and having sex but not as often.
In the August he helped me landscape my garden. That's when our relationship turned. He had had previous D/s relationships and one balmy afternoon it happened. I realised what had been missing in my life and why my relationships had been somehow wrong. We explored this for the next few months. I still got frustrated when he was seeing her. He always said she was not permanent. I was his no 1. I won every time. He said.
I knew there were other too but ignored it. I did get jealous.
In the November L found out about me and gave him an ultimatum. He chose her. She had threatened all sorts and was going through lots of shit at home. He came - told me and walked away.
The baby was due in December and i really needed him. I hadn't told anyone because of his kids. He thought it best they didn't know. At that point I needed someone though. He ignored me. I went through it alone and felt myself going into depression again. I was seeing a new guy, rebound! I couldn't and indeed have not told him. His daughter rang me again, again she was in trouble, I dropped everything and sorted her out, again he said he was grateful but that was it, we haven't spoken since. I wished him a happy new year and L replied on his phone (he is not even allowed to carry his mobile now!) They are still together. I saw him and her a few weeks ago, he was bellowing at her. He really does have anger problems.
He tried to hit me twice, once when I told him I was pregnant and once when I got upset when he told me it was over. His ex-wife had warned me about this.
He was a very selfish man at times. He always said that he had been married for 20 years and so now would do what he wanted when he wanted. This meant that I could never plan and he often let me down at the last minute. L is as selfish as he is. She is even always flirting with a friend of mine. So really they deserve each other.
I think my current confusion stems from the fact that he awoke something in me that I did not previously know, and as soon as I discovered it it was taken away. So I'm back living a 'normal' lifestyle having realised that it was not for me.
Strangely enough, he is living a vanilla life too.
I loved him in a way but many is the time I thought of ending it because of his behaviour. It hurts because he ended it not me. It hurts because of the baby. It hurts because I still have to pass his house to get to work. It hurts because I feel like I'm in the wrong as he won't communicate. It hurts because L gloats. It hurts because he lied and said it would be over soon and he is still with her. It hurts because of the harsh look he had on his face as if to say 'so what? you never meant anything to me anyway.'
But now it is over, long over, never to be repeated and I have to put him in that box. I don't know what label to put on it. 'Mistake' seems harsh, 'experience' is probably more appropriate.
Remember the saying, people enter your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, so which one was he. I think his reason must have been to open my eyes to who I am. It is now up to me to follow the path or not.
Ignore it, it will make no sense but it may help to straighten my brain. Anyone reading this will think I'm mad, schizophrenic, obsessed and odd but it's only the internal thoughts most people have (I hope) but don't ever externalise.
Most people view me as cool, logical, 'the sensible one' if only they knew the turmoil in the brain. A typical Gemini, can see all sides at once. That brings it own chaos though.
But I digress.
I met SR at the airport I fly from in August 2005. He was there on his bike looking cool and sexy. Not handsome but with an air of control and command. He knew what he wanted and was going to get it. We flirted and verbally sparred and agreed to meet up that evening and go to the beach. I drove as I wanted to be in control of what happened. (sensible see!)
We went to the beach - it rained, we got soaked and I have probably not laughed as much before or since. I resisted his physical advances for all of 3 weeks! When we did get together it was fantastic! The best lover I have ever had, ok I admit it, he was the best.
The next few months were magical. New Year in particular, I will always smile when I hear Dr Hook's 'love you a little bit more' we danced all night and it was just - magical.
Things started to get cooler in the March. At the end of the month he said that he needed more and it was not fair on me to continue as he wanted to experience 'other women'.
We remained close friends and still had an occasional physical relationship but I knew he was seeing other women. I tried to be 'adult' about it but it hurt. I didn't want to lose him altogether.
I even arranged dates. One of which I cancelled as I was going out of the door as he needed me to help with a problem with his daughter who was being a spoilt brat. He controlled everything I did still.
We went to a bank holiday garden show together and he boasted of how he was 'shagging a Thai girl' it broke my heart as I knew something. I was pregnant.
Because of a pre-existent condition I knew I could not carry the baby. I had a decision to make, try, and risk us both or have an abortion. He favoured the abortion as he did not want more kids. He also would rather have me alive than dead. We still spent a lot of time together.
We had a beautiful day out on the Sunday, we went to a horticultural society, even got erm, interesting in the reeds :)
That night after I went home, I got pains in my stomach and lost the baby at 1am. To the strains of Elvis Presley's 'in the ghetto'. SR loved Elvis. I told him in the morning and he was very caring. I just dealt with everything myself.
Within 3 weeks he had met and was dating L. He told me she was just a fling nothing serious. We continued seeing each other and having sex but not as often.
In the August he helped me landscape my garden. That's when our relationship turned. He had had previous D/s relationships and one balmy afternoon it happened. I realised what had been missing in my life and why my relationships had been somehow wrong. We explored this for the next few months. I still got frustrated when he was seeing her. He always said she was not permanent. I was his no 1. I won every time. He said.
I knew there were other too but ignored it. I did get jealous.
In the November L found out about me and gave him an ultimatum. He chose her. She had threatened all sorts and was going through lots of shit at home. He came - told me and walked away.
The baby was due in December and i really needed him. I hadn't told anyone because of his kids. He thought it best they didn't know. At that point I needed someone though. He ignored me. I went through it alone and felt myself going into depression again. I was seeing a new guy, rebound! I couldn't and indeed have not told him. His daughter rang me again, again she was in trouble, I dropped everything and sorted her out, again he said he was grateful but that was it, we haven't spoken since. I wished him a happy new year and L replied on his phone (he is not even allowed to carry his mobile now!) They are still together. I saw him and her a few weeks ago, he was bellowing at her. He really does have anger problems.
He tried to hit me twice, once when I told him I was pregnant and once when I got upset when he told me it was over. His ex-wife had warned me about this.
He was a very selfish man at times. He always said that he had been married for 20 years and so now would do what he wanted when he wanted. This meant that I could never plan and he often let me down at the last minute. L is as selfish as he is. She is even always flirting with a friend of mine. So really they deserve each other.
I think my current confusion stems from the fact that he awoke something in me that I did not previously know, and as soon as I discovered it it was taken away. So I'm back living a 'normal' lifestyle having realised that it was not for me.
Strangely enough, he is living a vanilla life too.
I loved him in a way but many is the time I thought of ending it because of his behaviour. It hurts because he ended it not me. It hurts because of the baby. It hurts because I still have to pass his house to get to work. It hurts because I feel like I'm in the wrong as he won't communicate. It hurts because L gloats. It hurts because he lied and said it would be over soon and he is still with her. It hurts because of the harsh look he had on his face as if to say 'so what? you never meant anything to me anyway.'
But now it is over, long over, never to be repeated and I have to put him in that box. I don't know what label to put on it. 'Mistake' seems harsh, 'experience' is probably more appropriate.
Remember the saying, people enter your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, so which one was he. I think his reason must have been to open my eyes to who I am. It is now up to me to follow the path or not.
Monday, March 05, 2007
Who am I?
I had a nudge from someone on here today that has set me thinking. Who am I?
I am daughter, sister, ex-wife (twice), ex-girlfriend (too many to mention), girlfriend, aunty, god-mother many times over, ex -sub, or am I, just because I don't have a Sir in my life at the moment does that make me an ex-sub? hmmm no, and perhaps that is the problem.
I am so many things to so many people but the essence of me is someone who wants to please, so I have all of these relationships where I am trying to please everyone, not always succeeding but leaving myself essentially unfulfilled because I am not pleasing the One. This may sound odd but when Sir was in my life I strove to please Him and only Him. This in turn left me fulfilled and happy. I feel really lost at the minute. When I pleased Him He rewarded me, whether it was with a kind word or a touch or even just a smile and it meant the world to me. I feel at the moment that I am just expected to please everyone and get no recognition at all. God I sound like a spoiled brat. But when I pleased Him it seemed easy to please everone else too. Everyone was happy.
I said that I thought it was time for a break from Coffee Man last week and he said he wanted to try again, but at the moment it feels like the same old same old. I am walking on eggshells emotionally. One minute I'm up one minute I'm down. I need some order in my life. To know my boundaries, where I stand, I thought at one point he was interested in learning more but that has been swept away and not mentioned again. He is a nilla and I know it. He always was and probably always will be. The question is can I go back to that? I lived that life though 2 marriages and only felt like I was me when I was introduced to the lifestyle. With submission came freedom - does that make sense?
I need to make some big decisions. I am in danger of losing me again and I hadn't even realised it.
I am daughter, sister, ex-wife (twice), ex-girlfriend (too many to mention), girlfriend, aunty, god-mother many times over, ex -sub, or am I, just because I don't have a Sir in my life at the moment does that make me an ex-sub? hmmm no, and perhaps that is the problem.
I am so many things to so many people but the essence of me is someone who wants to please, so I have all of these relationships where I am trying to please everyone, not always succeeding but leaving myself essentially unfulfilled because I am not pleasing the One. This may sound odd but when Sir was in my life I strove to please Him and only Him. This in turn left me fulfilled and happy. I feel really lost at the minute. When I pleased Him He rewarded me, whether it was with a kind word or a touch or even just a smile and it meant the world to me. I feel at the moment that I am just expected to please everyone and get no recognition at all. God I sound like a spoiled brat. But when I pleased Him it seemed easy to please everone else too. Everyone was happy.
I said that I thought it was time for a break from Coffee Man last week and he said he wanted to try again, but at the moment it feels like the same old same old. I am walking on eggshells emotionally. One minute I'm up one minute I'm down. I need some order in my life. To know my boundaries, where I stand, I thought at one point he was interested in learning more but that has been swept away and not mentioned again. He is a nilla and I know it. He always was and probably always will be. The question is can I go back to that? I lived that life though 2 marriages and only felt like I was me when I was introduced to the lifestyle. With submission came freedom - does that make sense?
I need to make some big decisions. I am in danger of losing me again and I hadn't even realised it.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
A day of contemplation
Well, what can I say. Coffee Man arrived last night with a huge bouquet of deep red velvet roses. We went to the cinema and out for dinner where a most interesting conversation ensued.
My previous relationship was although mentally painful at the end, a turning point in my life. My ex was not only boyfriend, lover, partner, friend, he was also Master. Coffee Man has never experienced that type of a relationship before. I'm not entirely sure how it happended but the conversation came up over dinner. Although discrete, I did think the woman at the next table was going to choke at one point.
The outcome of this discussion is that he is interested in learning more. Where on earth do I go from here? I was the student, and here I am being cast in the role of tutor. I have friends in the scene over here but it somehow does not seem right to bring others in at this point. He wants to know what the scene is about but not too directly if that makes sense and I don't want to scare him. Sounds daft, scaring a potential Dom? I am probably hugely underestimating the way he would react but it is an odd situation for me and him.
He even had access to my toy box for the first time, it has been very carefully underwraps until now. He knew about my former relationship but it is the first time he has expressed an interest. His expressions were a picture. should have had my camera handy.
My mind has certainly not been on my study today though. Must do better tomorrow!
My previous relationship was although mentally painful at the end, a turning point in my life. My ex was not only boyfriend, lover, partner, friend, he was also Master. Coffee Man has never experienced that type of a relationship before. I'm not entirely sure how it happended but the conversation came up over dinner. Although discrete, I did think the woman at the next table was going to choke at one point.
The outcome of this discussion is that he is interested in learning more. Where on earth do I go from here? I was the student, and here I am being cast in the role of tutor. I have friends in the scene over here but it somehow does not seem right to bring others in at this point. He wants to know what the scene is about but not too directly if that makes sense and I don't want to scare him. Sounds daft, scaring a potential Dom? I am probably hugely underestimating the way he would react but it is an odd situation for me and him.
He even had access to my toy box for the first time, it has been very carefully underwraps until now. He knew about my former relationship but it is the first time he has expressed an interest. His expressions were a picture. should have had my camera handy.
My mind has certainly not been on my study today though. Must do better tomorrow!
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