Breaking my heart

SR hasn't rung, or text, or e-mailed. Nothing to say I or the baby ever existed in His life. In fact He took my replacement - the one He was screwing around with out for dinner.

I'm sure they had a lovely time.

Why the hell can I not move on. I hate what He did to me. I hate the way He made me feel, I hate the fact that I let Him treat me that way. I never really really loved Him. But there is a string there I cannot cut. More than once I was going to leave Him, but He got in first. He hurt me so badly and yet I still crave His attention.

You must think I'm mad.

He is half the man (in all ways) that the Dutchman is. Don't get me wrong , I still love the Dutchman, I always have and probably always will, whatever happens. We had something magical. But there is some evil thread linking me to Him but not the other way round. If I died tomorrow He would just shrug.

I don't know if it was just the baby that makes me feel this way about Him? So many times over the last two days I have picked up the phone to call Him, I am so proud of myself that I haven't though.

Still no word from the Dutchman either. I had a really odd feeling this morning too at 7.15 that there had been a death somewhere, I'm just waiting to hear whose though. I wish he would just let me know he is ok. He's a bugger for doing this!