End of a beautiful summer

All good things come to an end, and it was good. Undeniably good.

The time we spent together will remain forever in my heart. But it was not meant to last. Time and distance made it impossible. Our lives are too disparate. Although a 7 hour time difference should not make a difference, His working schedule and mine cut into available time too much. I was unable to cope with the separation. I need His presence.

Here, tangible, I need to feel His warmth and His arms. His voice close to my ears. His love in my heart.

So with sadness we have parted, with love and fond memories. I hope He finds His one, He hopes I find mine.

Another one bites the dust....wanted a real man!

We went away for the weekend, I was home by midday Sunday.

I can't deal with a man who can't even decide whether he wants tea or coffee without me choosing. For the whole weekend I have asked 'what would you like to do?' The weekend was supposed to be a treat for his birthday. Every time I asked he said ' I don't know' what do you think?

I took him away to a beautiful part of the country, it's near the sea, near an area of outstanding natural beauty, near a bustling city, near an old medieval city, so many choices, galleries, theatres, museums, wildlife, zoos, country walks, river walks, and yet he still said...it's a bit limited.

Is there no such thing as real men any more? Are they so emasculated that they cannot just be anymore?

Sighs sadly..........

The calm after the storm

Well Christmas and new year now seem like distant memories. They went in a whirl of family stuff. Did the traditional 'single daughter' thing over the festivities with the family. They never mention it but you can always see the equilibrium upset. The animals go by 2 by 2 and then oh, here comes the single daughter. The family don't know about E, so all I get are the pitying looks and , well, patronising comments I suppose. There were a few questioning looks as my phone beeped regularly though the day.

E is away right now, he has family connections 200 miles away that will keep him there for a while so I'm feeling a little lost. Strange huh?

We are talking daily, texting hourly, MSNing in between and I'm still missing him.

I've been working hard at college, more exams coming up soon and he is being exceptionally supportive. The weight which was starting to come off has come back on. I feel upside down and back to front and round the wrong way.

I'm not sure if he is going to be able to come back home, things are a little complicated and his youngest needs him.

Only time will tell.

Friday

I went to the gym for the first time this week, I only did half what I normally do and the sweat was just pouring out of me. I guess the bug is still with me.

I only have one part of my assignment left to do but I just could not get motivated today. I had a look at the assessment for next week though and put some thoughts together.

I did get the grass cut and the edges strimmed in the garden though. I thought I would get out there in the brief dry interlude.

I keep thinking of SR again today, I don't know why, probably the thought of the weekend looming in front and the knowledge she is there. I wish I could just get over this, it is so annoying. How long does it take for goodness sake???? I get so annoyed with myself. His daughter has asked me to visit her in her new home on Sunday. Be nice to catch up with her and her boyfriend.

The wanderer returns!

It has been such a busy week. I've been working in the south west most of last week and then returned home via foot and mouth country.

Work went well though, got everything done that needed to be done.

Had my mother's birthday party yesterday, as usual I was on my best behaviour. Always the way with my family get togethers. I am designated driver and there for everyone else to be smug about. The single daughter - the failure!

The man on the periphery turned out to be a dork. Nothing ever works out in my love life. I should have known better.

Got an owie!

The weather was quite blustery this morning and as I loaded up the car the boot lid came down and hit me on the forehead :-(

I've already got a bruise formed, it's a good job I have a fringe!

So now I'm sat here listening to Olivia NJ's 'hopelessly devoted to you', Abba's 'one of us', Air Supply's 'all out of love' not to mention Damien Rice's 'cheer's darling' see what a bump on the head does to you?

I'm feeling guilty for my arseholes to the lot of em statement, in case something has indeed happened so just in case.

JB, Ik hou heel veel van je en mis je ontzettend

(hopefully I got the spelling right...I took it from an old text)

Exhausted!

I was in the gym early this morning and did my full circuit with some increased weight and I stepped up the cardio too, I was absolutely dripping by the time I had finished (nice visual huh?)

I came home and started work here, I laid a 40sq ft patio, restacked the 10 20kg bags of sand I still have left over - ready to lay slabs on the other side of the garden, and mowed the lawn.

Oh I lost one pound too! :)

I've probably put it back on though as I was starving after all that and cooked a Chinese. Less fattening than a takeaway but still not salad!


I'm still thinking about SR, or more truthfully about His current girlfriend, the one He told me would not be around for long. She is there this weekend again. Like she is every weekend.

I suppose I'm feeling lonely, all my friends are hooked up and doing activities with partners and kids, and yes there is an open invitation but I feel the odd one out.

What did I do so wrong that I am still on my own. Even the bastard has her.

shrugs

Welsh Wales

I had a great weekend with my parents, Cumbria and Yorkshire are beautiful places, so rugged and unspoilt. I love seeing my parents together, they have a wonderful relationship but it just emphasised the fact that I felt really lonely this weekend. I've still not heard fom the Dutchman.

I'm scared something has happened.

I'm in Wales, the connection here is awful, very frustrating but I feel that way about everything today, like PMT but not.

The place is lovely though, very wet and wild.

Busy day

The day started very unsettled, I woke with a start, I had been dreaming that I was at some form of a dinner party in the middle of the street, I'm not sure where it was but the architecture was fabulous. Next thing I know I'm reading a letter or an e-mail, I'm not sure which, it was from the Dutchman saying that he had met someone and he was not coming back - ever, I ran away in tears and that's when I woke, still upset.

I pulled myself together and the workmen arrived. The conservatory is all finished now. It looks good. I brought the big desk downstairs (all by myself!) and laid the flooring too. It's really taken shape now.

I then went to the gym and did a couple of classes. I did bodybalance, bodyattack and bodypump. I now feel body weary!

I'm away with my parents at a family do this weekend then straight to Wales so I may be a while!

Still no word, I'm off to bed.

Disjointed day

I had a lie in this morning, I was so tired and didn't get up until 8.30, very late! Then I went to the gym to my new class.

I picked up some glazing stuff for the shed, the window cracked in bad weather a couple of weeks ago. Then I popped down to see my parents.

I came home and put the new window in, feeling qite proud that I managed it all by myself.

And that was my day, boring huh?

Still no word!

Coming out the other side

It's been a hard few days. But, resilience is key. I have two options, cope or don't. And as I am little miss fixit, the one to whom everyone turns when life falls apart, well, I have to cope don't I?

So I've spent a couple of days sulking, brooding, snivelling and feeling sorry for myself and now I need to pick myself up and sort myself out.

Brave words huh? Now I've just got to get on with it!

Still no word from the Dutchman

Breaking my heart

SR hasn't rung, or text, or e-mailed. Nothing to say I or the baby ever existed in His life. In fact He took my replacement - the one He was screwing around with out for dinner.

I'm sure they had a lovely time.

Why the hell can I not move on. I hate what He did to me. I hate the way He made me feel, I hate the fact that I let Him treat me that way. I never really really loved Him. But there is a string there I cannot cut. More than once I was going to leave Him, but He got in first. He hurt me so badly and yet I still crave His attention.

You must think I'm mad.

He is half the man (in all ways) that the Dutchman is. Don't get me wrong , I still love the Dutchman, I always have and probably always will, whatever happens. We had something magical. But there is some evil thread linking me to Him but not the other way round. If I died tomorrow He would just shrug.

I don't know if it was just the baby that makes me feel this way about Him? So many times over the last two days I have picked up the phone to call Him, I am so proud of myself that I haven't though.

Still no word from the Dutchman either. I had a really odd feeling this morning too at 7.15 that there had been a death somewhere, I'm just waiting to hear whose though. I wish he would just let me know he is ok. He's a bugger for doing this!

Miserable

Yet again my thoughts have been with SR today, thinking this time last year I was doing x,y,z.

The reason it is so fresh in my mind is that tomorrow is the anniversary of my last miscarriage. I remember that weekend so very well, He was so tender and caring, we had to make the decision whether to have an abortion (His preference) or trying to proceed with the pregnancy. Owing to a medical complication it would be an extremely problematical pregnancy. The decision was taken away. He bought me a plant on the day, a really unusual one, as a memorial, this was even before I lost the baby as the sensible thing to do was to have a termination. But we went out to the Royal Horticultural Gardens for the day and ended up in their nursery. He bought 2 identical plants, one for me and one for Him. I lost the baby at 1 am the following day. The funny thing is the plant is just coming into flower, it didn't flower for a couple of weeks last year but it is going to be at its height tomorrow. I wonder how His is doing?

Other than that I have spent the weekend doing chores around the house and garden, and lots of study. I had planned for 4 hours but I have done nearer 7.


I've still not heard from the Dutchman.

Chapter closed

It's over, confirmed it with him today. He got all defensive and could not see what I was meaning. He is after all perfect (aren't we all?) I tried to tell him what I meant but he had an answer for everything. None of which was his fault. He is after all such a busy man, he is always at work, works nights, has his daughter, has the dog etc etc, I tried to point out that he is 4 days (or nights) on and then either 7 or 4 days off, he has his daughter a maximum of 2 nights a week and then not every week but still he doesn't have time to come to mine. I always have to go there.

He has only once told me he loved me and that was after prompting. (He denied this and said that he says it all the time but believe me I would know!) The dog gets more affection. I'm allergic to the dog - gives me asthma problems but he just laughs when the dog gets onto the bed and sleeps on my pillow.

So, I'm on my own again. I'm tearful but I know it's for the best. I think it's frustration at yet another failed relationship.

A cathartic exercise?

Ok. Let's get the brain emptied so I can move on. This is going to be the equivalent of the letter that is written but never sent.

Ignore it, it will make no sense but it may help to straighten my brain. Anyone reading this will think I'm mad, schizophrenic, obsessed and odd but it's only the internal thoughts most people have (I hope) but don't ever externalise.

Most people view me as cool, logical, 'the sensible one' if only they knew the turmoil in the brain. A typical Gemini, can see all sides at once. That brings it own chaos though.

But I digress.

I met SR at the airport I fly from in August 2005. He was there on his bike looking cool and sexy. Not handsome but with an air of control and command. He knew what he wanted and was going to get it. We flirted and verbally sparred and agreed to meet up that evening and go to the beach. I drove as I wanted to be in control of what happened. (sensible see!)

We went to the beach - it rained, we got soaked and I have probably not laughed as much before or since. I resisted his physical advances for all of 3 weeks! When we did get together it was fantastic! The best lover I have ever had, ok I admit it, he was the best.

The next few months were magical. New Year in particular, I will always smile when I hear Dr Hook's 'love you a little bit more' we danced all night and it was just - magical.

Things started to get cooler in the March. At the end of the month he said that he needed more and it was not fair on me to continue as he wanted to experience 'other women'.

We remained close friends and still had an occasional physical relationship but I knew he was seeing other women. I tried to be 'adult' about it but it hurt. I didn't want to lose him altogether.

I even arranged dates. One of which I cancelled as I was going out of the door as he needed me to help with a problem with his daughter who was being a spoilt brat. He controlled everything I did still.

We went to a bank holiday garden show together and he boasted of how he was 'shagging a Thai girl' it broke my heart as I knew something. I was pregnant.


Because of a pre-existent condition I knew I could not carry the baby. I had a decision to make, try, and risk us both or have an abortion. He favoured the abortion as he did not want more kids. He also would rather have me alive than dead. We still spent a lot of time together.

We had a beautiful day out on the Sunday, we went to a horticultural society, even got erm, interesting in the reeds :)

That night after I went home, I got pains in my stomach and lost the baby at 1am. To the strains of Elvis Presley's 'in the ghetto'. SR loved Elvis. I told him in the morning and he was very caring. I just dealt with everything myself.

Within 3 weeks he had met and was dating L. He told me she was just a fling nothing serious. We continued seeing each other and having sex but not as often.

In the August he helped me landscape my garden. That's when our relationship turned. He had had previous D/s relationships and one balmy afternoon it happened. I realised what had been missing in my life and why my relationships had been somehow wrong. We explored this for the next few months. I still got frustrated when he was seeing her. He always said she was not permanent. I was his no 1. I won every time. He said.

I knew there were other too but ignored it. I did get jealous.


In the November L found out about me and gave him an ultimatum. He chose her. She had threatened all sorts and was going through lots of shit at home. He came - told me and walked away.

The baby was due in December and i really needed him. I hadn't told anyone because of his kids. He thought it best they didn't know. At that point I needed someone though. He ignored me. I went through it alone and felt myself going into depression again. I was seeing a new guy, rebound! I couldn't and indeed have not told him. His daughter rang me again, again she was in trouble, I dropped everything and sorted her out, again he said he was grateful but that was it, we haven't spoken since. I wished him a happy new year and L replied on his phone (he is not even allowed to carry his mobile now!) They are still together. I saw him and her a few weeks ago, he was bellowing at her. He really does have anger problems.

He tried to hit me twice, once when I told him I was pregnant and once when I got upset when he told me it was over. His ex-wife had warned me about this.

He was a very selfish man at times. He always said that he had been married for 20 years and so now would do what he wanted when he wanted. This meant that I could never plan and he often let me down at the last minute. L is as selfish as he is. She is even always flirting with a friend of mine. So really they deserve each other.
I think my current confusion stems from the fact that he awoke something in me that I did not previously know, and as soon as I discovered it it was taken away. So I'm back living a 'normal' lifestyle having realised that it was not for me.

Strangely enough, he is living a vanilla life too.

I loved him in a way but many is the time I thought of ending it because of his behaviour. It hurts because he ended it not me. It hurts because of the baby. It hurts because I still have to pass his house to get to work. It hurts because I feel like I'm in the wrong as he won't communicate. It hurts because L gloats. It hurts because he lied and said it would be over soon and he is still with her. It hurts because of the harsh look he had on his face as if to say 'so what? you never meant anything to me anyway.'

But now it is over, long over, never to be repeated and I have to put him in that box. I don't know what label to put on it. 'Mistake' seems harsh, 'experience' is probably more appropriate.

Remember the saying, people enter your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime, so which one was he. I think his reason must have been to open my eyes to who I am. It is now up to me to follow the path or not.

Sunday

Where do I start, last weekend I felt really relaxed and comfortable with him. Now I don't know what to think or feel.

Thursday evening he knew I was upset but left it 4 hours before he rang. I didn't pick up. He then rang my mobile and then text me. He then rang the home phone again. I left it an hour and text him to say that I would drop his things off on Friday, if he was out i would leave them with the builders.

He text back saying we should talk so I bathed and went to bed. He text Friday morning to say that he still wanted me to come for the weekend. I said I wasn't sure.

I didn't leave work until late and when I got to his he was hoe. And guess what. So was she!!! She was at his house as she has loaned him a bed. She then told him to put the kettle on. Whilst he was in the kitchen she asked if we had had a tiff as the atmosphere was frosty. I didn't elaborate to much, she was there for ages.

When she eventually left she whispered that she would leave us alone for a 'team talk'. I'm struggling for words here.

The patronising bitch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111

Sorry, I looked for a politically correct way of explaining my feelings and couldn't. We sat for a couple of hours and talked. I told him exactly what was troubling me, about how she was always there and he always spoke of her. He explained that over the last few years they had leaned on each other and he found it hard to stop now. I explained that I hated the way he told her everything and he has promised not to. He admitted that he had told her about the current tiff. So her 'detecting a frosty atmosphere' was a load of rubbish. I had done my best to cover it and be light and easy in her presence.

He even told me he loved me, something that is rarely said, indeed never unless I bring up the conversation. He did not realise how upset I was.

I dried my eyes and we went to his friends' who were getting married. It was the first time I had met them. They were so welcoming and friendly towards me.

The wedding yesterday went well and again I was made welcome by his friends and he was very attentive despite his duties as best man. He kept me near all day. Today was finishing off those duties and seeing them all again, taking the presents over and the suits to the hire shop.

I couldn't let him touch me though. I was still too fraught. No doubt I shall be back where I was last week by next week but... oh I don't know......

Am I flogging a dead horse? I believe he does genuinely care but he finds it hard to express his feelings. I find this hard as I get so insecure. History has made me this way and however hard I try to break the Pavlovian conditioning it still lurks there in the back.

Still thinking

I had a busy day today trying to combine work with the builders.

still thinking, still confused, he has been attentive today,

Speak of the devil, he's just text and is about to ring

*shrugs*

Home again

I was really really positive on Friday. I was going to work really hard with Coffee Man to put all the stress and problems behind us and it worked until about 6pm.

We decided to go to the pictures, and then he said 'why don't we invite my friend - it's up to you, but she is home this weekend and she's had a heavy week'

Well, put like that I couldn't say no. But we were going to see the film that I have wanted to see for ages so ok. When we got there she queried the film but Coffee Man was firm and said 'no, we are seeing this one'. The pair of them crunched and slurped their way through the film then afterwards said it wasn't really their cup of tea.

We went to a pizza place afterwards as we had not had time for dinner, I felt like a gooseberry. Then I picked up the tab. Coffee Man had paid for the cinema, I paid for their drinks and popcorn). This sounds really churlish and mean and it is not meant that way. Usually whichever of us pays for the film and nibbles - the other does the meal. His friend just took it as read that I would pick up the bills. Not even an offer or a contribution.

Things had been normal on Friday night, we had a great evening, it was loving and sensual. Last night though when we went to bed I could not even bear him to touch me.

I had made the decision to try and make this work but three people in the equation doesn't work. She knew every detail of the row we had had the week before when I told him it was over. Back where I was before.

Grossed out on digestives

I am really cross with myself, I went into the exam this afternoon quite confident, but then sat down, read the compulsory question and my mind left the building. I could not remember the most basic of things. The minute I left the room it came flooding back. So resits here we come.

I spoke to a colleague who I had entrusted a piece of equipment too before I went on study leave and he called me today to tell me he had put it down somewhere and it had been stolen.

So a really good day!

The one bright part was that on my return home I checked my e-mail and I got a credit for the last assignment I posted, funnily enough the one I had the exam in today.

Not spoken to Coffee Man at all although he did text to wish me luck. Back to the inconsistency.

Exams tomorrow

Mini blog.


I'm stressed, very stressed.

Can't remember anything for the exams.

Feeling very unloved - he has been with her all weekend. I didn't get a goodnight - he was out partying. He said hello by text from her place today at 2pm.

So, I'm going for an early night.