Tired

I don't know if it is because of broken sleep or if I'm just working too hard right no but I am so darn tired.

I've been keeping up the chirpy alway happy to help out persona for months now hoping nobody will notice that it is just an empty shell and the essence of me that used to be there is not present.

Nobody has said anything, I guess the shell is performing adequately, should I be worried? I still feel as if I am in some strange out of body experience, I hear the words that come out of my mouth, see the expressions changing on my face, smiling politely, looking concerned when required, laughing at jokes but I'm not present inside. Ever since E made the decision that He had to go back to look after His daughter and consequently the marital home I have been in this alternate universe where nothing reaches me.

Still lax

Yes I know I know, I read another post today and it commented on how sometimes there is just no compulsion to blog.

One of the reasons I started my blog was to empty my brain of all those thoughts that clutter it up and cloud your judgement. Borne of sadness and confusion. Even when I was seeing Coffee Man I continued to blog, there was still something missing, since meeting E life seems more complete. I feel relaxed and comfortable, the feelings that SR stirred have been fulfilled.

I was skating on the extremes of a secret world, now I have been given the key. I feel like I have been given the most wondrous gift in the world.

Work is busy, frantic even and yet I feel calm, I know that the minute I clock off I am His and have just one responsibility and that is Him.

I never expected to feel this treasured, like a piece of fragile crystal does that seem strange? It is a wonderful feeling.

Sunday night

The weekend went very quickly. Why is it that 2 weekend days go quicker than 2 work days?

Yesterday I woke early and spent most of the day gardening, I have to admit that I regret that today as I am aching in places I didn't know I had.

Today I went to pilates this morning. It was so funny, the whole class seemed to have done the same as we were all walking stiff and aching badly. There was more giggling going on as we all fell off our balances and failed to maintain the grace and dignity demanded by the exercises. Teacher was despairing of us!

After I left I went to the supermarket to get some fresh veg as Coffee Man was coming for dinner. As I left SR was driving in, he had her and her kids with him. It looked as if he was having a stressy fit in the car. I don't know if he saw me but it gave me a jolt. I still miss him. Well I do and I don't. He was a liar and a cheat. He has treated me abominably. He has a terrible angry streak, uncontrolled rage, the anger management classes he took whilst he was married did not work. My family disliked him. There are so many things that I am glad I don't have to put up with any more, but I can still remember the tender times. Only yesterday I was looking at the plant he bought me, I knew that I couldn't carry the baby to term, and whilst he was still alive inside me we went to the Royal Horticultural Society garden at Wisley. He bought a pair of identical plants, black Acers, very unusual, they were as a memorial I suppose to the baby. We chose them together knowing that the child I carried would be possibly terminated that week. I had been sent home by the doctor to consider the options. It may have come down to my life or the baby's, not both. Anyway I'm straying, the plant is just starting to bud. I was looking at it yesterday as I did the garden. It is coming back to life.

Coffee Man came over, I'm starting to shrink from his touch. He is making plans, there is a wedding we are going to in a fortnight, then another one in June. He watched the rugby whilst I made dinner. I was very conscious of the neighbours each time he cheered when England scored, or his frustration when France did. He complained that I had put too much garlic in the meat. He has just left to go and sort his sister's car out that has broken down. I actually felt relieved. This will sound dreadfully snobby, but sometimes I just long for an intelligent conversation, a debate, a spirited discussion on a topic. There's a guy I chat with on MSN and we often verbally and mentally spar. We have never met and probably never will but I just love our chats. I think it is the Gemini in me. My mind needs stimulation and it is just not getting it.

I had a dream last night, I was kneeling in a corner, I could hear a voice behind me giving me instructions but I don't know who it was. I felt a mixture of love and desire. My hands were bound, He had control. I was at peace and ready to obey instructions. He told me to kiss Him then take Him fully in my mouth until He came. It was definitely not Coffee Man, It may have been SR, it may have been the Dutchman, it may have been an amalgam of both. I awoke feeling very needy. But as ever, I was on my own.

I'm feeling a little trapped at the minute. I started off being more emotionally involved than Coffee Man was and I hated his inability to express any emotion towards me. He still isn't that attentive very often but I'm feeling smothered and unfulfilled. I think where he did not show emotion I have mentally backed off to the point where I am not involved at all now.