End of a beautiful summer

All good things come to an end, and it was good. Undeniably good.

The time we spent together will remain forever in my heart. But it was not meant to last. Time and distance made it impossible. Our lives are too disparate. Although a 7 hour time difference should not make a difference, His working schedule and mine cut into available time too much. I was unable to cope with the separation. I need His presence.

Here, tangible, I need to feel His warmth and His arms. His voice close to my ears. His love in my heart.

So with sadness we have parted, with love and fond memories. I hope He finds His one, He hopes I find mine.

Weight

I hit a really high number on those horrid scales on Monday, and after a grizzle signed up for Weight Watchers. It was weigh in day today and I lost 6lbs!!!! Go me!

I know that is not sustainable, but it really cheered me up today.

Fingers crossed I can keep it up!

Slack

Yes I know I have been slack but life has been hectic. Work is flat out and horrendous and any spare moment is taken up with the American so am I forgiven?

His visit has only made the feelings more intense, the need to be in contact, the happiness when the phone goes or the computer pings.

He is away for the weekend so I have a little time today, I had been working on the garden but then the most huge thunder and lightening storm hit and rendered that impossible so I retreated for a coffee and a catch up.

Smiles, life is good,

So, tell me again, why was I nervous?

Well, He has gone to work today, ostensibly the purpose of His visit - of course with the reliablility of English public transport He had to arrive much earlier than required....

I cannot believe that He is due to go home tomorrow, these 5 days are just flying past. We have spent much of the time talking, getting to know each other RT and He is just so much more than I could ever have dreamed of.

I feel like I may have known Him a lifetime, perhaps not in this one but the last.

Just watching the clock now until He comes home...

Ok, I wasn't nervous...

It's Sunday, that means it's nearly next Saturday and the American that I have 'known' for years will become more than just words on a screen and a voice on the phone.

He will be here, all 6' of Him. I wasn't at all nervous, but then I read Rosie's post. I have so much to do! Waxing, washing, polishing, tidying, mowing, and that's just the house!

He has booked into a hotel, (safety first Rosie - His idea) and will be here for 5 days, He has some work to do in the City whilst He is here but that will not take long, He added some extra days to a business trip.

I am so looking forward to it but likewise, what if He hates me? I can be so darn annoying, I am feeling really chubby and He is tall and slim and oh I don't know.

Nerves have struck.

Sexy Blogger

Hmmm, ok, well thank you for my award Rosie...and I've been trying to think for days what I have done to deserve it? ...

So, 5 reasons huh?

I am the most unsexy girl I know but here goes.

1) Apparently my voice can lure a man 5,500 miles, (yes!!!) and I've had clients ring just to talk to me because they love my voice and my laugh?

2) Erm....My eyes, although naturally greyish, flash green when aroused and are lovely? (This is so not sexy!)

3) My smile is impish and cheeky and holds promise of wild nights?

4) My deportment is correct and despite being short I can create a 'presence' in a room that has guys rushing to open doors. (Even when they get told off by their wives as they never do it for them..sorry K :0) )

5) And lastly, because He has claimed me for His own and He is gorgeous so i must have something right?

In common with Rupert, everyone i normally read has already completed this, so as i wouldn't get away with sending it to my not quite so open minded and BDSM friendly friends (who don't have a clue, of either this side or that i even blog) I shall pray forgiveness and leave it there.

Counting down the days until the American visits....did I mention that He's coming over? 10 days and counting!

Unnaturally happy

Well, things are going marvellously. We are getting to know each other, likes and dislikes, hopes and fears, there is even a tentative discussion of a trip across the pond....

I am waiting for the bubble to burst and praying it doesn't. When He sends me off to bed at night i positively skip upstairs safe in the knowledge that He is caring for me and there for me.

He leaves little messages through His day for me to find on a morning, just to let me know i am in His thoughts.

I am finding the time difference hard, i am not accustomed to having to count hours to work out whether He is awake or asleep.

But, i am gloriously happy!

Hotels and Internet Connections

So, here we are, in a long distance relationship with a fabulous American. Hmm, is that what I shall call Him? The American...

He works in a similar manner to me, lives His life on the road and travels from hotel to hotel. This week saw the first interactions with both of us in hotels. Aaaaargh!

If it wasn't my connection dropping out it was His. How frustrating was that, we did get some unexpected time together today though. He has set me a task, I am to write a story for Him for His return. So, where do I start...

Answers on a postcard please!

Long distance relationships?

No, no way not me.... never....with a long distance Dom?? No!

Ok, so how many times have I said to myself that I could never do an online relationship? I have seen friends struggle, some succeed, some fail.

I have chatted with this Dom for years now, one of the first I spoke to when researching what was going on in my life and what these feelings were. He is an honest, funny, intelligent man. He has seen me go through peaks and troughs and always been there. And He is 3,500 miles away.

Recently, we started talking away from others, and it just clicked. We talked about my recent attempts at vanilla relationships and He just smiled and waited for me to come to the conclusion that He knew all along.

We have discussed visits, this will be difficult on both sides. But.....oh, this is mad. He is 3,500 miles away.

There are so many things, ideas, opinions and such like that we have in common, however there are 3,500 miles between us...damn damn damn damn damn.

He makes me laugh, I look forward to getting home from work to see a message or two from Him. He looks forward to mine too.

But He is 3,500 miles away.

Have I mentioned He is 3,500 miles away!

What on earth am I doing?

the date...

Well, he was intelligent, funny and a perfect gentleman. Very good company indeed....

but....no sparks, no violins....sighs

But at least he will make a very good friend.

Still searching...

Here we go again....wish me luck

Ok, let's get back on the horse, I'm going on a date tonight. We've been texting and talking on the phone for a week, he seems to have the same sense of humour as me. He's local. Good job, well educated (I really missed that with the last one - no verbal sparring or discussions on the big things in the world) and................younger than me....and a tri-athlete. Oh shit! So, what is he going to see in the older woman with more than a few spare pounds on her?

Ah well, nothing ventured nothing gained!

If nothing else we can hold a good conversation.

Mixed emotions

I saw some photos today of SR. The witch was also in the photos. She looked as chubby and (especially as they were at a party) looked as if no effort at all had been made. And no that's not me being bitchy. My hair assumes both a life and a personality of its own, yet if I am out with my man at a party it is tamed into submission. (Deliberate choice of words!) He has grown a double chin and a paunch too. He looked happy enough but even in photos where they were together he wasn't looking at her.
Am I just reading into these pics what I want to see? Probably....

You know, people are in your past for a reason, there is a damned good set of reasons he didn't make it into my future. When I am being logical, he has anger management issues and can be violent (uncontrolled anger is not good in a Dom) he was selfish. He cheated. He made his kids lie to me. (I am still great friends with one of them) My family hated him. He ruined my mother's birthday party that my sister held for her. He insulted their guests. So, why the hell do I still think of him?

I am so very cross with myself!

Making sense of the non-sensical

Maybe i am naive, but how many more innocents have to die? Each day from the comfort of our safe lives we hear of slaughter and destruction, deaths of children by fire and shell.

This piece from the Guardian describes the situation well.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2009/jan/07/gaza-israel-palestine

So it is outside of our monkey sphere but even so how can we let it go on?

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to one and all!

A Christmas Wish

Now, obviously, world peace and an end to all suffering is top of the real list but I thought I would compile a just for fun list to aid my shattered love life...

Dear Santa,

Please may I have a man to appreciate my stockings, can he be:

Tall
Blond
Have a quirky smile
A big nose - I don't know I just do!!!
Be rugged
Be assertive
Be over 35....
Be under 60...
Be genuine
Be honest
Be able to be taken home to my parents
Be interesting
Have lived a life
Have no baggage!
Have the capacity to love and be loved
Be tender
Be accepting of my life
Be caring

Have I missed anything?

Hmm, I don't think he exists, maybe I should keep believing in Santa....

Another one bites the dust....wanted a real man!

We went away for the weekend, I was home by midday Sunday.

I can't deal with a man who can't even decide whether he wants tea or coffee without me choosing. For the whole weekend I have asked 'what would you like to do?' The weekend was supposed to be a treat for his birthday. Every time I asked he said ' I don't know' what do you think?

I took him away to a beautiful part of the country, it's near the sea, near an area of outstanding natural beauty, near a bustling city, near an old medieval city, so many choices, galleries, theatres, museums, wildlife, zoos, country walks, river walks, and yet he still said...it's a bit limited.

Is there no such thing as real men any more? Are they so emasculated that they cannot just be anymore?

Sighs sadly..........

Snuffle!

And now I have a cold! Grump!

Emotionally retarded

I was listening to this song on the radio today, it's an old one I've known all my life, and it served to remind me how emotionally retarded I am.

I'm still dating but can feel myself pulling back, finding reasons to bolt, running scared

If You Could Read My Mind

If you could read my mind love
What a tale my thoughts could tell.

Just like an old time movie'
Bout a ghost from a wishing well.
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet.
You know that ghost is me.

And I will never be set free
As long as I'm a ghost that you can't see.

If I could read your mind love
What a tale your thoughts could tell.

Just like a paper back novel
The kind the drugstores sell.
Then you reached the part
Where the heartaches come
The hero would be me.
But heros often fail

And you won't read that book again
Because the ending 's just too hard to take!

I'd walk away like a movie star
Who gets burned in a three way script.
Enter number two:
A movie queen to play the scene
Of bringing all the good things out of me.

But for now love let's be real;

I never thought I could feel this way
And I've got to say that I just don't get it.

I don't know where we went wrong
But the feelin's gone
And I just can't get it back.

If you could read my mind love
What a tale my thoughts could tell.
Just like an old time movie
'Bout a ghost from a wishing well.
In a castle dark or a fortress strong
With chains upon my feet.

But stories always end
And if you read between the lines
You'd know that I'm just
Tryin' to understand the feelin's that you (I) lack.

I never thought I could feel this way
And I've got to say that I just don't get it.
I don't know where we went wrong
But the feelin's gone
And I just can't get it back!

Freedom

Well, at last the exams are over, so providing I passed that's it. I just have to wait for the results now in 10 weeks time. How can it take so long to mark? I know that there were 14 sides of handwritten A4 (my hand hurts!) but even so, that's like 1 and a quarter a week (ish)!

So, apart from the dissertation which I will try and do as much at work as I can, my free time is now just that....freeeeeeeeeeeeee! Yippee!!!!!

Things are going well on the dating front too, we are going away for a few days next week so wish me luck!

Right, time to do the housework, so much for free time eh?

Saturday night!

Well, owing to a change of plans, number 5 was preceded by number 4.5. This lasted all night after an innocent invitation to 'coffee' after he walked me home....

He makes me smile, he has a twinkle in his eye and doesn't give a jot about the lumpy bits that wobble.

Time for a gallon of coffee and some revision!